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“Never show weakness.” Is a phrase Lae’zel memorizes by the time she is five years old. Her teachers constantly remind her of it.
She does not falter when she spars, no matter who is in front of her. It does not matter if it’s Trydan, the boy her age who shared some of his breakfast with her. There is no room for feelings on the battlefield.
She does not flinch when she is berated by her teachers for poor form or reaction time. She suppresses any grunt that leaves her if she is punished.
She does not say she is cold when night comes on a particularly cold year and she’s left shivering in her bed when it’s time to sleep. She does not ask for another blanket. The weak do not survive the cold but Lae’zel is not weak. She will prove herself. To everyone.
But it does not stop it from being cold and it does not stop Lae’zel from curling tightly in her blanket in an effort to conserve warmth. Come morning, she will be exhausted.
Alive, but exhausted. And she will learn to hate the cold almost as much as she hates the ghaik.
—
With the Shadowlands comes a noticeable drop in morale and overall mood. Lae’zel rarely likes to count herself among them, but even she feels unusually subdued as they travel.
The Shadowlands are draining, dreary, and cold. There is no sun to fight it off. Lae’zel manages well enough while they are moving but when it’s time to lay down in their tents, her teeth clench. She shivers, even under the covers.
Winter was not supposed to come for another few months. Lae’zel saw no use in buying extra blankets when it was plenty warm before, but now she regrets it. They have yet to come across any merchants to buy from and any extra bedding they had has been stolen by the others.
But Lae’zel is not weak. She has survived worse and she will survive this. So despite the chill, she sleeps and she survives.
When she awakens, it’s to someone saying her name. Her body feels heavier than usual as she quickly pulls the entrance to her tent open and peers with weary eyes at Gale.
“Why have you disturbed my rest?” Lae’zel grits out. Morning is somehow colder. She clenches her jaw, refusing to let her teeth audibly chatter.
Gale holds his hands up placatingly. Submissive, some part of her mind thinks. Yielding to who he knows is the stronger. “Apologies, Lae’zel, you simply worried me. You’re usually starting your morning exercises by the time I start cooking. When I finished up and still saw no sign of you, I wanted to make sure all was alright.”
It takes a minute for her to process his words. Then, she feels slightly off balance. “Is it morning already?”
“It is. I suspect, at least. Rather hard to tell in these lands, isn’t it?” Gale glances at the sky. “It’s marginally brighter than before, not that that’s saying much.”
Lae’zel glances and finds he’s right. This is likely as close to morning as it gets.
It’s morning and Lae’zel did not awaken at dawn as she has been every day for the past few tendays.
“Tsk’va.” Lae’zel hisses to herself. “These shadowed lands have interfered with my schedule. I am behind!”
“If it’s any consolation, it hasn’t been easy on any of us. Karlach got up first, can you believe that?”
Lae’zel eyes dart to the fire. There, Karlach is happily gulping down a plate of whatever Gale has put together. She can’t quite tell from here but it does make her stare. Karlach is often one of the last people in their camp to rise. She sleeps for hours on end, until nearly half the day is gone.
Lae’zel has thought about waking her up for training more than once. But she does not. Because Karlach had said once that she missed being able to sleep in and how hard it was to get a proper night’s sleep in Avernus when everyone is trying to backstab you.
And Karlach is a good warrior. A good ally. If this is something she was deprived of, Lae’zel would not take it from her. She has earned it.
Lae’zel has not. She gets up to train every day at dawn without fail. Gale was normally after her, followed by Wyll. Gale would make breakfast and Lae’zel would be the first to receive a bowl.
She likes the Wizard’s food. Her creche was more concerned about ensuring all food gave you exactly what you needed. Very nutritious and filling, but flavor was not a priority. Gale however, always makes it taste good. She finds herself looking forward to his meals, more so than any she’s had before.
Right now however, there is still dread. Because her schedule is wrong now and despite sleeping in, she’s still tired. And cold.
So infuriatingly cold.
“Why not save the training for later?” Gale suggests. Lae’zel scrunches up her face at the idea. “Blasphemy, I know. But these are extenuating circumstances! You’ll need to keep your strength up to fight the effects of the Shadow Curse.”
Begrudgingly, Lae’zel gives in. She follows Gale back to the fire and takes a seat beside Karlach. Gale hands her a bowl, already pre-prepared, and Karlach perks up upon seeing her.
“Morning, Lae! Absolutely dreadful day we’re having but nothing like a little breakfast to pick it up, huh?”
Lae’zel hums, noncommittal. “You are especially chipper this morning. Why?”
Karlach shrugs. “One step closer to finding Dammon again and hoping he can fix my engine. Slept pretty alright too! I was exhausted yesterday and passed out pretty quickly. Now I feel alright.”
Heat radiates off of her, not unlike the fire Gale uses to keep his food warm. Lae’zel almost finds herself envious. Karlach does not need to worry about the cold. She could sleep uninterrupted.
All at the cost of being untouchable. If they could swap their situations, Lae’zel would do so eagerly. She could be strong and warm, and Karlach could have all the touch she pleases.
If Lae’zel finds it more appealing for the latter reason rather than the former, then it doesn’t matter. That doesn’t mean anything.
She sits down, eats, and doesn’t examine further.
—
It is not a one-day incident. Lae’zel finds that in the few days it takes to find the Last Light Inn, she is drained. Exhausted. Weak.
Gale has started waking her up if she’s still sleeping by the time breakfast is done. She keeps encouraging him to do so because frustratingly, it keeps happening. She sleeps for hours and yet, it barely seems to feel like rest at all.
Her body is sluggish and she finds herself missing more of the strikes she takes than ever. Fortunately, Lae’zel is not alone in this as they all seem to be doing worse in battle, but it gets to her. That all that training is amounting to nothing— all because of a little change in environment.
The night is cold. Her hatred for it only grows but without the proper energy, it feels more icy and bitter than her usual fire.
She feels as though she is dragging herself along as they travel. Not lagging, she’s not that affected, but she no longer leads alongside Wyll and Halsin. She falls behind somewhere in the middle of the group.
Lae’zel almost expects Shadowheart to remark about her lack of energy, but she’s been oddly silent about it. There’s none of the usual banter when she needs to be healed post-battle. Shadowheart simply asks where the worst of it is and gets to work.
Pity. Lae’zel grits her teeth at the thought of it. Even Shadowheart is going easy on her. Never would she think that she would miss the way Shadowheart pushes back and challenges her at every turn, but now that it’s missing, she feels well and truly weak for it.
Thankfully, it takes a little bit less than half a tenday to finally reach the Last Light Inn. Whatever barrier protects the place banishes some of the chill, and Lae’zel feels herself relax a fraction for it.
Wyll works out getting Jaheira to trust them when they’re stopped at the entrance. Then, the second they have time, they track down Dammon and hand over the infernal metal.
The upgrade is installed. The flames on Karlach’s skin die down. She glances from Dammon to the rest of them, radiating nervous energy.
“Did it work?” Karlach asks, more on edge than Lae’zel has ever seen her.
Wyll is the first to take a step forward, wrapping his arms around her. Karlach seems to freeze in shock before her arms close around him too, resting her forehead against his.
A minute ticks by without either letting go. Tears stream down Karlach’s face, dissolving into steam as they do. Then, she seems to gasp, eyes searching the rest of them and asks, in a wobbly voice, “Would any of you mind if I finally hugged you all real quick? Because I’ve been waiting ages to do that.”
Not a single soul among them turns her down. Wyll releases her carefully and once Karlach pats him on the shoulder, she turns and surges forward. Gale, the closest and with his arms open already, is the one she scoops up first, swinging him around as if he weighs nothing to her, laughing as she does.
She puts him down, murmuring something in his ear before she releases him. Wyll lays a steadying hand on Gale so he doesn’t tip over from all the swinging, but the smile on Gale’s face is undeniably happy.
Shadowheart is next to welcome her and Karlach gladly scoops her up too, tilting back to lift her off the ground. The hug Karlach gives Astarion is bone crushing— Lae’zel hears him wheeze in surprise and say something along the lines of “Gentler, darling!” which gets an apology and a laugh out of Karlach.
Finally, Karlach locks onto her. “Hey, soldier.” She greets, a little nervous. “Alright if I hug you too?”
“You have earned it.” Lae’zel tells her honestly. “Allow me to help you indulge with what you need.”
That’s all the permission Karlach needs. She bounds forward and wraps around Lae’zel tightly.
It’s there, engulfed by everything that is Karlach, that Lae’zel realizes that she’s never actually been hugged before.
It’s a strange experience. Lae’zel knows other close touch from battle and sex, but this is different. It’s warm for one— even cooled down, the warmth from Karlach’s engine seems to surround her comfortably. Better than any fire or blanket has before.
It’s also… A lot more comfortable than Lae’zel thought it would be. Karlach holds her tightly but it’s not suffocating. She’s tall, something Lae’zel has always known, but it’s in a whole new perspective like this. Now Karlach is holding her and surrounding her and Lae’zel feels as though Karlach has suddenly become a shield. One for the cold, if nothing else, but the metaphor stands.
It makes her feel… More at ease. Maybe more than she’s ever been.
Lae’zel wonders if this is what it’s like for ice or metal when it is melted down. How strangely pliable she feels all of a sudden. The urge to sink down and collapse. The desire to never let go.
Lae’zel carefully mirrors her, wrapping her arms around Karlach and squeezes back as tightly as she can manage. Karlach makes a noise that’s half a laugh and half a sob, and Lae’zel reasons that she needs to expel this part of her. Get it all out in order to make room for more greatness.
This is why Lae’zel does not let go, even as a minute ticks by. Karlach makes no move to leave either.
For what feels like an eternity, there is no cold. There’s no Vlaakith or ghaik or reasons to stay on guard. There’s nothing at all, and Lae’zel feels off balance all of a sudden.
Then Dammon says, “Karlach? There’s one more thing I have to tell you.”
Karlach pulls away. Dammon tells her the bad news.
The cold returns in full force and Lae’zel’s shoulders go rigid with tension.
—
Karlach insists she doesn’t want to think about what Dammon said but her tail is dragging behind her. Lae’zel doesn’t think she’s ever seen it do that outside of whenever she's too exhausted to lift it.
Nonetheless, Karlach celebrates her newfound freedom by giving and getting as many hugs as she can get from the Last Light Inn. Halsin for one is all too happy to oblige.
Lae’zel sits at the bar with a pint of the strongest thing they had to offer— because Githyanki alcohol is much stronger, courtesy of the Astral Plane— and watches Karlach. How she greets the other tieflings, how she laughs with them and promises they’ll do what they can do help, and how she fawns over Jaheira.
She chases everything she has been deprived over for a decade. She deserves to have it again.
Lae’zel can’t stop thinking about the warmth of her embrace.
“You’ve been rather quiet all evening.” Lae’zel doesn’t startle when Shadowheart takes the empty seat beside her but she curses the fact that she didn’t see her coming. “I don’t think you’ve stopped looking at her once.”
“I’m merely ensuring she has nothing more to worry about. We were attacked earlier. Someone should keep watch.” Lae’zel argues, sending Shadowheart a look.
“There’s Flaming Fist for that.”
“Was it not a Flaming Fist that betrayed us?”
“Harpers, then.” Shadowheart doesn’t take her eyes off of Lae’zel’s face, studying it. “I’m just curious why you’re so fixated on Karlach.”
“This is her night. I wish to ensure it’s not disturbed.”
Shadowheart gives her a pointed look. Lae’zel narrows her eyes. “Speak plainly, I will not cooperate with your mind games.”
“Fine. Do you have an interest in her?”
“Is there anyone among us who does not?”
“Fair point.” Shadowheart hums. “Yours however seems a little deeper than the rest.”
“Hardly. Wyll—”
“—has been unable to stop making lovey-eyes at Astarion since we took out the goblins.” Shadowheart reminds her. Lae’zel grunts— she prefers not to think about that. It’s sickeningly saccharine.
“But if you’re keen on ignoring the obvious, then I won’t stop you.” Shadowheart stands. “I just figured I would point it out.”
“It was unnecessary.”
“Not entirely.” Shadowheart smirks. Lae’zel watches her walk away, rejoining with Astarion in the corner, who seems to immediately ask her something eagerly.
Lae’zel scowls.
Istiks and their ‘gossip’.
—
There are extra blankets in the Last Light Inn. When it’s time to lay down and rest for the night, Lae’zel is no longer cold.
…But she’s not warm either, and for some reason, that bothers her.
She’s a perfectly acceptable temperature. She shouldn’t waste any more time when she needs to rest for the day. This is far from the worst place she’s slept, and it’s a drastic improvement from what it was a few days earlier.
But Lae’zel remembers the warmth. It haunts her to be without it.
It haunts her that she could lose it forever.
A frustrated growl escapes her. Lae’zel throws her blankets off of her and marches out of her tent and directly to another.
Karlach, fortunately, is still up. She’s resting, staring watching the stars just outside her tent, but perks up when she notices her approaching. “Hey, Lae! You need something?”
“Yes.” Lae’zel stops in front of her, tilting her head up. “You.”
Karlach blinks. Her engine stutters, flames licking her body for a brief moment before they die down. “Come again?”
Lae’zel crosses her arms, frowning. “I thought the mechanic fixed your engine. Why is it still having issues?”
“Ignore that, it’s fine— could you repeat that last thing again?”
“I need you.” Lae’zel repeats for her dutifully. “The Shadowlands are colder than I would like. I can function just fine without it, but… Fine is not exceptional. I need to be better.” She nods at Karlach. “You have plenty of heat to spare. I ask that you share it.”
“What, like cuddling?”
“I am not familiar.”
“It’s like hugging but lying down.” Karlach explains, then backtracks, “Hold on, have you never cuddled before? Not even after sex?”
“Never.” Lae’zel tells her. Karlach looks at her in a way that has her feeling strangely unsure of herself. Lae’zel quickly buries this feeling.
“Well— we gotta fix that!” Karlach gestures towards herself. She sits up and scooches herself to the bedding inside her tent before lying down again. “C’mon, let Mama K be your guide!”
Lae’zel hesitates only for a second, then ducks her head as she steps into the tent and seats herself beside Karlach. Karlach reaches out but pauses just before touching her.
“This alright?” She asks, slowly putting her arm around Lae’zel, watching her face for a reaction. Lae’zel pauses and nods. “Okay, good, good.” Karlach nudges her closer and Lae’zel finds herself following her lead. “Lay down with me, it’ll be more comfortable.”
Lae’zel does and ends up with her head lying on Karlach’s upper arm. Karlach shuffles to lie on her side, the other arm coming to pull her a little closer until Karlach is loosely wrapped around her. She smiles at last.
“How about that? Nice and toasty? Comfortable?”
Lae’zel nods. “Should I be holding you as well?”
“You don’t have to but you can.”
With her free arm, Lae’zel drapes her arm down Karlach’s back. Karlach’s smile becomes a little brighter and she laughs.
“Never thought I’d get to cuddle with you, Lae! It’s nice.”
Lae’zel hums. She can feel the heat radiating off of Karlach, banishing every inch of the cold. Once again, that peace comes with it, and Lae’zel finds it suddenly much more appealing to sleep.
“It’s practical.” Lae’zel insists. “I sleep better when I am not cold and you have been deprived of contact for a decade. This way, we kill two ghaik with a single swing.”
“Yeah.” Karlach doesn’t stop smiling. “You’re sweet, you know?” When Lae’zel scrunches up her face, she quickly adds, “Don’t get me wrong, you’re tough as nails and scary when you wanna be and I love it. But you’re sweet too. And I love that too.”
“Kindness is reserved to those who deserve it.” Lae’zel says simply.
“Awe— see? That’s what I’m talking about.” Karlach laughs.
Lae’zel commits that laugh to memory.
—
Lae’zel is right— with Karlach’s warmth, it’s easy to sleep. Though, perhaps it helps to know that her strength means if anything attacks them in the night, Lae'zel is well protected should she be caught off guard.
Lae’zel could survive an ambush. That’s never been a question. But it is a nice thought, to know she has reliable backup should the need arise.
Lae’zel sleeps peacefully with Karlach in her arms. When she awakens, it’s to a soft voice saying, “Uh— Lae’zel?”
Her eyes snap open and glare at Gale. He recoils quickly. “Gods— if looks could kill, I would've dropped dead on the spot.”
Lae’zel opens her mouth, then hears Karlach's soft snoring and thinks better of it. Damn the fact that Karlach’s tent has no walls or this would not be an issue. She connects to Gale’s tadpole instead.
“Why have you disturbed us?” She demands.
Gale holds his hands up, looking sheepish. “My sincerest apologies! You looked rather comfortable but I wasn’t sure if you still wanted me to wake you up if you slept in past the usual time. Shall I assume you wish to stay in bed with Karlach a little longer?”
Lae’zel pauses to think about that. Truthfully, she is reluctant to leave Karlach’s embrace at all. However, there is some part of her that does not want anyone else to see. Gale gets a pass— Lae’zel knows he will not speak of her vulnerabilities so flippantly, or at all for that matter— but she knows how the high elves gossip.
Her lip curls at the thought. As if either of them would have the room to talk, considering Lae’zel knows Astarion has snuck off to Wyll’s tent to be held by him throughout the night, and how Shadowheart has been stealing Gale away for whatever ‘Wine and Worship’ is.
Gale was not clear what they did. Lae’zel did not care enough to ask.
Lae’zel spares one last look at Karlach before mournfully, she detaches herself from her side. She follows Gale to the fire and accepts the bowl when it is handed to her.
“So.” Gale says, in a voice that Lae’zel has come to know as curious. “You and Karlach?”
“We cuddled.” Lae’zel informs him. He makes a surprised ‘Oh!’. “I sleep best when I am warm, and Karlach has plenty of warmth to spare.”
“I see! Very practical.” Gale nods along. He hesitates and Lae’zel gives him a look. “Say what I want to say, right. Is that— was that all it was? Just practicality?”
“You spend too much time with Shadowheart and her gossip.”
“Not like that!” Gale says, then pauses. “Well, maybe. But I’ve noticed you’ve always seemed rather… Fixated on her in particular.”
“I find her very physically attractive, if that’s what you mean. But I fail to see why this is out of the ordinary. Anyone who says differently is a liar.”
“That— is also true.” Gale shakes himself. “I’m trying to ask if there’s a more emotional connection with her. Because I suspect there is.”
Lae’zel opens her mouth to respond but finds words fail her. She closes it. Waits for them to return, but answers elude her still.
“I am… Unsure.” She hates to say it. Gale however does not look at her with pity or disdain for it.
“And there’s nothing wrong with that!” He tells her. “But, perhaps you should think about it? Because I do not wish to put words in your mouth but you seem rather fond of her.”
Lae’zel hums— this, she cannot deny. She wishes for Karlach to get what she wants above all else.
“Then I will think on it.” She vows at last, and eats her breakfast.
—
Karlach sits by her when she wakes up but there’s an air of uncertainty when she does. Lae’zel frowns a bit but does not address it yet. And when Wyll brings up all the things they need to do that day, they quickly all become busy.
The day’s events pass by in a blur— fighting shadows and creatures in the dark takes up much of their time. When they return to the Last Light’s Inn to rest, Lae’zel finds herself in front of Karlach’s tent again.
Karlach almost looks surprised but she smiles with relief. “Hey, soldier! Up for round two?”
“Yes.” Lae’zel nods firmly. “Last night was pleasant. I wish to repeat it.”
“No arguments from me!” Karlach gestures her forward and when Lae’zel lies beside her, Karlach wraps her up again. “It was good then? No regrets?”
“None.” Lae’zel scoffs at the idea. Then, she cannot help but flip the question. “And what about you?”
“I haven’t cuddled with anyone in a decade, mate. It was downright heavenly.” Karlach’s smile proves the genuineness in her words. “And uh, I liked that it was you. I mean I would be happy to cuddle with just about anyone but I’m really glad it was you, y’know?”
“Yes.” Lae’zel voice comes out softer than she means it to be. She swallows silently, feeling a little warmer than usual, even with Karlach’s embrace. “I know exactly what you mean.”
There’s a drawn out pause. While Lae’zel finds it easy to sleep in Karlach’s presence, it eludes her now. Her thoughts are a little too loud.
“…Lae?” Karlach whispers. Lae’zel hums as a response. “I uh. I don’t want to make this weird if it isn’t like that for you but— you know that I like you, right? Like, really like you?”
“Do you?” Lae’zel feels oddly breathless by the question. Karlach laughs, louder than before.
“Gods, I thought I was obvious. I kept blurting shit out after battles— did you not catch that?”
“I did.” Lae’zel tells her. “I understood it— the sweat and blood that covered you— I thought I might be driven mad. Watching you fight— I could scarcely take my eyes off of you, at times. Your power is unmatched.” She pauses, then adds, “As is your beauty.”
“You’re beautiful too.” Karlach tells her. Her eyes have softened greatly. Lae’zel stares into them for so long that she temporarily forgets about all else until Karlach speaks up again. “I just— I think I just like everything about you, you know? And I wasn’t sure if you were into me but— Wyll kept saying that Astarion was convinced you were infatuated with me and Shadowheart kept trying to get me to make a move—”
Istiks and their gossip, Lae’zel thinks again, but with a lot less fire.
Lae’zel throws words out into the wind and makes her move. She moves closer to Karlach to kiss her, and is rewarded when Karlach kisses back just as eagerly as her.
Kissing Karlach is warm and passionate, but it’s better than any other time she’s done it too. Because Karlach cups her face and laughs in delight and her flames get a little higher but Lae’zel can stand the heat. She embraces it, in fact.
She’s always hated the cold anyways.
“Fuck!” Karlach yells, laughing loudly and happily. “Fuck— you’re fantastic— gods, I’ve wanted to kiss you for ages. Do you know how hard it is to look at your cute little face and not be able to kiss it?”
“I have an idea, yes.” Lae’zel pulls back and drinks in every inch of the happy, almost drunk look in Karlach’s eyes. Like she can’t quite believe it’s real and happening. Lae’zel kisses her again just to prove it is. “Zhak vo’n’fynh duj.” She tells her when she pulls back. “Source of my joy. I do not say this lightly.”
Tears well up in Karlach’s eyes. “That is so fucking sweet. Gods, I’m going to explode.”
A snarl rips from her throat. “You will not!”
“Bad metaphor, sorry.” Karlach laughs. “Just— I’m so happy, you know? You make me so happy.”
“And I will continue to do so for as long as you will let me.” Lae’zel promises. “I am yours. And you will not be exploding. Not now, not ever. I will make sure of it.”
“I believe you.” Karlach grins.
Lae’zel wants to see that grin a thousand times over.
—
In the morning, Lae’zel gets up when Gale wakes her, but not without leaving a kiss on Karlach’s cheek. Gale’s eyes widen and he grins like a madman.
“I knew there was something there!” He tells her, handing over a portion of breakfast like usual. “You look like you’re positively glowing, might I add. Have a good night?”
“The best. For now.” Lae’zel allows herself to smile. “I intend to beat it.”
“I have no doubts that you will. And let me be the first to say that I am very happy for you.” Gale tells her.
“It is appreciated.” She tells him. The good mood lasts all throughout breakfast.
Karlach is the last to join the fire for breakfast, still half asleep when she does, but she gravitates towards Lae’zel and wraps her arms around her side. From across the fire, Shadowheart snaps to attention. Astarion half-chokes on what is either red wine, or a goblet of Wyll’s blood.
Lae’zel pointedly ignores both of them and leans into Karlach’s embrace. Karlach chuckles giddily and mumbles a sleepy, “Morning, Lae.”
“Good morning, lover.” The word sounds a bit awkward on her tongue but she delights in watching the faces of her companions lose their minds. And the way Karlach’s flames get a little higher for it.
This arrangement will do them both good, Lae’zel thinks. She will always be warm, Karlach has someone to touch, and both of them will be very happy in each other’s presence. Not to mention, they will be a very powerful couple in battle indeed.
Very practical, Lae’zel thinks, pleased with herself. She looks forward to returning to Karlach’s tent tonight. And every night after that.