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Ayato is lost. Not literally, he knows exactly where he is, standing outside of Himami’s new dorm. He’s here to help her move in, he wouldn’t do this for any other person, but Hinami, he loves her.
He loves her right? He wants to hit himself, of course he loves her, it’s a love that’s forged in the flames of war and loss. They’d been so close back in their Aogiri days, together braving the winter nights in abandoned buildings and risking their lives in their war with the CCG forged a bond that can’t be broken.
That’s what he’d think anyway, but in the years afterwards it’s almost like she’s left him behind. She got to go to school, an opportunity Ayato didn’t take, he’s stupid, everyone knows that, it's like, a truth of the universe. Hinami though, Hinami is amazing.
Hinami had been accepted into a nationally acclaimed university, on the path to become one of the elites, while he’s stuck down at the bottom, barely a grade school education to his name. The gap between them keeps widening. Ayato doesn’t understand why Hina even still gives him the time of day.
She has access to so many better friends, better people. She can find a good man to spend her life with. Not with Ayato, he’s pretty much the opposite of what she deserves. He’s an uneducated loser of a ghoul, working at a corner store just to make it by.
He curses to himself, imagining his shoddy one room apartment in a shit part of Tokyo, Hina’s escaped this hell of poverty in Japan. She’s got her own room now, a leisure she’s never had the privilege of having before. It may not be great but it’s better than he’ll ever be able to give her.
“Ayato?” Hinami asks the young man.
“Wha” Ayato panics, that’s all he manages to get out. He hadn't noticed that Hina was standing there, she’s taken him off guard, he was too deep in thought about how she deserved better than him, of course she comes into the picture as soon as his thoughts turn that way.
“Hey Hina.” He mutters, internally cursing at himself for being so bad at this, he can’t even make eye contact. What's wrong with him?. “You wanted help right?” He asks awkwardly, “I just got off work sorry for being so late.”
“No it’s fine.” Hinami waves him off cheerily, “I was able to do everything myself anyway, don’t you worry.” She laughs to herself, “Come on in, I’ll show you around.”
Ayato reluctantly follows, she didn’t need him, he should probably leave before he does anything wrong and makes the girl upset. The old him wouldn’t have cared about this, he’s grown, but it’s times like this where he wishes he was still the same angry teenager who’d fallen in love with Hinami in Aogiri. Now he’s 20, a whole fucking adult, he should be able to do this, but he’s paralyzed like a damn schoolgirl at the thought of messing something up with the girl he’s in love with. It’s never felt this way before. Why now?
“Are you okay Ayato,” Hinami asks.
Ayato curses himself, she’s already picked up on what’s going on, she’s always been like this, so damn perceptive. With how emotionally incapable he is she always ends up figuring what or how he’s feeling even before he does.
“I’m fine.” Ayato says, internally screaming at himself for how nervous his voice sounds. “I should probably get going then if you don’t need my help.” He mutters, turning away to exit her apartment.
Hinami grabs his wrist. “Ayato, something's wrong, tell me.” She asks? Commands? Ayato isn’t quite sure, but he could never disobey Hinami, not when she asks like that.
“It’s,” he cuts himself off, “It’s nothing, I'm just feeling sick.” He tells her.
“Ayato.” Hinami says firmly, “I’ve never seen you get sick don’t lie to me.” She tells him evenly, “What’s going on?”
“It’s just.” He pauses, cursing to himself, “It’s, it’s-“ he lowers his voice, “I’m sorry, you deserve so much better than me, I should just get out of here.”
“What do you mean by that,” Hinami asks, his attempt at running away obviously hadn’t worked on her. “Stop pushing me away, it won’t help anything.”
He sighs, “You’re just so much better than me, you deserve so much more than I can give you. you’re like a nationally amazing student, and I’m just a like, barely literate ghoul that’s working a shit low level job just to pay for my shitty one room apartment.” The words spill out his mouth, if he were to be completely honest he wasn’t quite sure what he’s saying, but it’s too late to stop.
“Oh,” Hinami says, not quite sure how to respond.
Ayato continues after catching his breath. “And you, you’ve got all these new friends who are like normal, good members of society. Why the fuck do you even give me the time of day Hina? There has to be some other guy you can find that’s better than me.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way Ayato.” Hinami says kindly. “You know, maybe you’re right,” Ayato’s chest sinks and Hinami continues, “But that doesn’t change how I feel about you, we went through hell together, you know me better than anyone else in this world I can’t let you leave me.” Tears well up in her eyes.
Ayato hates to admit it but seeing her like this has made him feel a bit better, he hates to see the girl cry, but her sobs mean he isn’t alone feeling like this. “I’m sorry Hina.”
“Don’t be,” She tells him, “You may not deserve me and I probably don’t deserve you either, but we need each other don’t we Ayato.”
“Yeah,” Ayato says to himself, “Yeah we do.”