Work Text:
399 days.
That's how long it had been since Qi Rong ate his last therapist.
He got bored quickly with no therapist to pester, causing chaos in his own home, (really, it was just him and Gu Zi) which Gu Zi did NOT appreciate one bit. So, after over a year of dealing with Qi Rong's immature antics, he sought out a therapist qualified to take care of Qi Rong.
...
This time, the beeping of an alarm didn't wake Qi Rong up.
No, this time, the incessant knocking on his door woke him up. He groaned and whined, cursing at whoever was knocking on his door.
"C'mon, Dad! You need to meet with your new therapist!" A familiar childish voice called out. Oh man, fuck this. Qi Rong was not in the mood to deal with children and therapists that would end up in his stomach anyway.
"Fuck off!!" Qi Rong called back. But Gu Zi was determined. He managed to break into Qi Rong's room, and dragged him out despite the yelling of curses in languages Gu Zi didn't even recognize.
Eventually, Qi Rong was ready to go to therapy once again! (No he wasn't. Fuck his life.)
Gu Zi walked alongside Qi Rong on the way to the therapist's office, skipping along happily. Qi Rong kept an eye out for any unfortunate bystanders who would become Qi Rong's breakfast. Unfortunately, it was just him and Gu Zi until they arrived at the building.
A small bell ringed as they walked in. A serious looking receptionist stared at Qi Rong with one eye. His name tag revealed his name was 'Hua Cheng.'
"Welcome. You must be Qi Rong. Dr. Dazai is eagerly waiting for you." Hua Cheng mumbled, glaring at Qi Rong. Qi Rong growled and ate Hua Cheng in 0.5 seconds. (New record!)
Gu Zi waved goodbye at Qi Rong as they found the door labeled 'Dr. Osamu Dazai.' Qi Rong brattily refused to go in, wanting to go back home and maybe eat a person or two. Gu Zi ignored Qi Rong, and Qi Rong tried his very best not to lash out and eat Gu Zi. He somehow succeeded at this, but now he was left alone outside a therapist's office.
Qi Rong mumbled a few (many) curses under his breath, and walked into the office.
First of all-- it smelled horrendous. It was like a mix of burnt crab and wet fish. Qi Rong was suddenly not hungry anymore. And the guy sitting in the therapist's chair looked like he smelled even worse. His hair was greasy and stuck up in weird angles, and he wore bandages that Qi Rong swore were moldy.
"Welcome!~" A chirpy voice welcomed Qi Rong. Qi Rong stared at the guy-- Dr. Dazai-- with a blank, "are-you-fucking-serious" look. Qi Rong slammed the door shut and began yelling of how unfair his life was that he was stuck with moldy bandage dude.
"Calm down, my job isn't to make you even more miserable. Come on, sit!" Dr. Dazai grinned. His teeth were yellow. Qi Rong reluctantly sat on the chair in front of Dazai.
"Why must this happen to me? Why must I, the fucking glorious Qi Rong, one of the four calamities, be stuck with this shitty nobody!!!" Qi Rong wailed. Dazai smiled.
"Well, we certainly have a lot to work on. Tell me Qi Rong, how come you're so... like... this?" Dazai made a gesture of waving his hands in Qi Rong's general direction. Qi Rong had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from swallowing Dazai whole.
"Well, my fucking shitty ass life began when I was 0. My stupid ass mother and father abused the living shit out of m--" Dazai suddenly interrupted, "Wait, when?"
"...since I was born?"
"No, when did I ask."
...silence.
"You're a fucking cunt and you have approximately 6.2 seconds to redeem yourself before my ass goes over there and eats your fatass whole." Qi Rong threatened, emitting an ominous green light.
"Holy shit, why are you green? Did you fart? Are your farts radioactive?" Dazai's eyes widened with curiosity.
Qi Rong was caught off guard, he couldn't even eat Dazai. "...what????"
"What?"
"I don't fart. I'm a dangerous ghost."
"It's okay man, everyone farts from time to time."
"I didn't fucking fart, dipshit."
"Okay buddy. Whatever helps you sleep at night."
Qi Rong didn't even know what to say after that. They stared at each other's eyes in a very intimate way before Dazai spoke up.
"Anyways, tell me more about your past." Dazai chided with a smile.
"Oh, well, after I was abused, I became cooler and I bullied everyone in town so they knew how it felt." Qi Rong stated proudly.
"Woah, me too!" Dazai beamed. Qi Rong gasped. Dazai gasped. Qi Rong twirled his hair. Dazai wiggled his eyebrows.
"...are we about to kiss?" Dazai asked passionately.
"...maybe..." Qi Rong whispered as they leaned into eachother.
When Dazai expected to feel Qi Rong's lips on his, he got eaten by Qi Rong. Qi Rong grinned proudly and licked his lips. Humans were so stupid.
He skipped out of the building, happier than ever. Hell, maybe therapy really did work!
Gu Zi was not amused.