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Remus Lupin was a pathetic weak man when it came to Sirius Black. The year after the summer Sirius had been disowned he had forgiven Sirius immediately. Of course Lilly, Marlene, Peter and even James thought he shouldn't have. It was too soon and the hurt was too fresh. But they didn't know Sirius like he did, they didn’t know how bad it could get. That’s why he had forgiven Sirius so fast.
But wounds scar and even though he could hold casual conversation with Sirius just fine, their relationship was never going to happen again. Remus had told him that the very first day when Sirius had leaned in for a kiss
“A relationship is built on trust Padfoot,” He had said, “And I don't know if I could ever trust you again the way I did. We’re still friends Pads, just not that anymore.”
If Remus thought talking to Sirius would lessen the pain of being disowned, Sirius Black disagreed. It would be far far better for Remus to just not even look his way than talk to him, laugh with him and then turn around and kiss someone right in front of him.
Remus was the casanova of Gryffindor house, hell, even the entire school. Sirius was sure that almost the entirety of their year or even the years below them had kissed Remus at least once. But then they had gotten together and all of it had stopped, the girls, the boys and others all disappeared. But it seemed that this year he was back to his old ways because there he was. The first ever gryffindor party of the year with his tongue down a Ravenclaws throat.
Sirius looked at her. She was not that different to him, she had a leather jacket on and too many piercings and he also thought he saw a tattoo when Remus slid his hand under her shirt. The only difference between them was that she was a blonde.
“Mary? You remember in 4th year when you’d changed your hair to be pink in colour and you said it was some muggle thing called dying? Do you think you could do that to me ?”
And that's how Sirius Black, well known for his black locks strolled into the great hall for dinner with his hair exceptionally blond except for the roots. He sat down at their spot.
“Merlin Sirius”, James sputtered, “what’ve done to yer hair?”
“It's called dying your hair James.” Sirius replied not even looking at him he was looking at another curly haired bloke fishing for his reaction. Remus was bent over his book and didn't even spare a glance at him.
“Moony”
“Ye-WHat in Merlin's sake have you done to your hair?”
“Dyed it, whatcha think?”
“With actual hair dye? Merlin.”
“Why? Don’t you think it looks good?”
“Don't get me wrong you could pull off anything. Hell, I'm sure you'd even look good with all your hair shaved off except in the center like one of those muggle rockstars.”
Pleased, Sirius sat back down.
Except it seemed that hair dyeing hadn’t worked because just the next party Remus was kissing a bloke with hair long enough to be mistaken for Sirius, except for the makeup all over his face. His eyeliner was so long it almost went into his hairline and he looked a twat but Remus must have liked it, because he had the bloke's lipstick all over his own lips. So Sirius took out his makeup box that had collected dust over the summer and got back to work. Then there was the girl in the sheer blouse and a skirt so short it could be a belt so Sirius stole clothes out of Marlene's closet too.
And then on the day that Gryffindor won a match against Slytherin. James had a blowout party in the common room. He was finally ready. He had it all: the hair, the makeup, the shirt. There is no way that Moony wouldn’t finally take him back.
Remus Lupin was a weak man. Sirius Black had just walked into the party, with his new blonde hair, a short skirt and a lipstick that Remus so badly wanted to mess up but no. This was his own self-inflicted punishment. The day he'd decided he would keep Sirius close, but not as close as they had been, was the worst decision he had ever taken in his life. Sirius made a beeline to where they were sitting. He popped down on the seat near Remus.
“Hiya”
“Woah pads, If I didn’t have my lady love in my lap right now”, James winked at him. Lilly punched him in the arm. Sirius smiled but it wasn't his full smile.
“Are those Marlene's shoes?” Remus asked. Thrilled to have some type of attention from him Sirius nodded. Remus just took another drag of his cigarette, then he got up
“Anyone want another drink I'm going to get some”
“I’ll come with”
“No need pads i've got it” and he left
Remus needed some weird mixture of Firewisky and some cheap muggle alcohol to get his mind away from the literal sex on a stick that had just waltzed right in without a care for poor Remus's mental health. As Kingsley was making another decoction for him a head of blonde appeared to his right.
“I said I got it Sirius”
“Not Sirius”, the voice replied. Remus looked down to see a girl with the same blond hair as Sirius that could easily be confused for him except the face and the eyes. “But it seems like the rumors are true, Gryffindors casanova is the love with the disowned black heir”
“Don't call him that.”, Remus growled
“Sorry I didn't mean offence,” she holds out her hand, “Pandora rosier.”
“Remus lupin”
“ I know. So let's see if the rumours that Remus Lupin will kiss anyone if they ask nicely enough are true, yeah?”
“Has my reputation gotten that bad?”
“No, but I'm trying to get over a black brother, your trying to get over a black brother, I don't see why not”
Remus laughed, this is exactly what he needed to get Sirius off his mind. It's what he’d been doing these past months anyways. Using people as momentary distraction before he went back to thinking of stormy gray eyes.
Sirius thinks he is dying. That is the only explanation for how all the air seemed to woosh out of his chest when he saw Remus with Pandora rosier. He’d been laughing with James and the sight had stopped him. He was not concentrating on anything else right now. Except for the way Remus's hand was travelling down her back, how he was holding her up. In His spot, Their spot.
He couldn't hear a word James was saying. His feet moved as if they were moving on their own accord. They felt like they would barely carry his weight. He dragged his body up to their room, passing by people and not hearing anything except for the way that Remus was giggling as he kissed her.
Sirius wondered why it couldn't be him. They were nearly alike. Maybe he wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough. Maybe Remus only likes natural blondes, not fake ones like Sirius. Maybe Sirius is too ugly now for him to kiss.
The second he enters their dorm his knees give out. He falls to the ground and his chest starts heaving. He hears painful howls and realised a beat too late that its coming from him. He sounds like a wounded animal, crying for help. He doesn't know how long he cried for or how long it's been all he knows that it eventually becomes painful for his tear glands to produce tears, and that his eyes burn and his chest hurts like he's swallowed needles.
“Hey, who's in here?” Remus's voice comes in from the door. Sirius is too late to hide and the door opens and he comes face to face with Remus. Remus had thought he'd seen the worst of Sirius, but nothing beat what he looked like now. His eyes were bloodshot and mascara was running down his pink cheeks. He was swaying unsteadily on his feet and his chest was heaving like he was struggling to breathe.
“Padfoot.” he whispers
“GO AWAY.”, Sirius screams, his voice is rough.
“Padfoot what happened.”
“I SAID LEAVE.”
“Padfoot please”
“WHY DO YOU CARE, YOU DIDN’T CARE WHEN YOU WERE DOWN THERE SO YOU CAN GO BACK DOWN AND IGNORE THIS.”
“Sirius, what are you talking about?”
“Go shove your tongue into Pandora Rosiers throat some more. Leave me be.”, Sirius says seethingly and turns to walk into the washroom. Remus follows him.
“I don't see what me shoving my tongue anywhere has anything to do with you?”Remus says, his tone defensive,“Especially considering that we've broken up.”
It was a low blow, Remus knew. Sirius is splashing water onto his face making his makeup run more.
“Yeah we have,” he looks at Remus through the mirror, “What are you doing here then? You don't have to care about me.”
“We are still friends, Sirius.”
“Really? When did you decide that? Before or after I got disowned. I don't need your pity Remus.”
“I don't pity you”
Sirius turns around in anger. “Then why tell me you forgive me when you know you haven't really?”. He crowds into Remus. “Or is this some sick way of punishing me for it?”
“Sirius no.”
“Then why moony”. His voice becomes small. “Then why do this to me, knowing that you are killing me on the inside. Knowing just how much I still feel for you. Why are you hurting me?”
There are tears in his eyes. Remus can see his reflection in them. And god even like this, even a mess with makeup running down his face, Sirius Black is a masterpiece.
“I don't want to hurt you Sirius,'' Remus gulps.
And Sirius breaks down. He falls to his knees in front of Remus, chest heaving erratically. Remus immediately crouches down and tries to touch him. Sirius flinches away and begins to cry harder.
“Hey...Hey I’m sorry, I’m sorry ok I didn't mean for this to happen.”
“I just want to know why,” Sirius cries,“I tried everything to make you look at me at least for a second.”
“What?”
“I changed my hair and my face and my clothes and looked like the people you look at now. But you still wouldn't even look at me,” Sirius grabs Remus's jumper, shaking him. “Why wasn't I pretty enough, good enough for you to look at? to kiss?”
“Sirius”, Remus's voice is panicked as he called him but it felt like Sirius didn't hear him, he just continued.
“I wore their clothes, I changed my hair but you still won't. Am I that repulsive to look at now moons?”
And if that didn't shatter Remus's heart. In this twisted game of trying to get over him, Remus had let his star, his prettiest star believe that he was repulsed by him. His star,the one that shone the brightest,was now dull.Remus was an asshole.
Immediately Remus moved to cup Sirius's face in his hands, he wiped away his tears and he whispered urgently to him, “ You are beautiful, do you hear me? Even now when your makeup is running and even before you changed anything. I have always found you beautiful. From the moment you stepped into that train compartment until now I have been enthralled by your beauty.”
“I was an idiot Pads,a complete idiot. I was going to those other people in the hope that at least one of them would be able to erase you from my mind,but no one even came close to you. I can't believe you thought that I could ever not fancy you, I fancied you even when I hated you”
Remus pulled Sirius into his chest, “I’m sorry I’m so sorry angel, for making you cry.”
“Moony”, Sirius whimpers. “Don't cry, please, I'm sorry.”
Remus hadn't realized he had been crying. He wipes his tears,“Don't apologize Sirius. I've forgiven you. Now it's my turn to make apologies. I’m sorry my love,for not being there to tell you how pretty you are, how much I love you and how much I miss you”
“You love me?”, Sirius asks in a meek voice
“Of course I do, you don't have to say it back. I just had to let you know”
“Not say it back, are you crazy?”,Sirius throws his arms around Remus's neck,“ I love you, I love you,I love you” he whispers into Remus's neck. Remus whispers back the sentiment. He lifts Sirius up and places him on the sink top.
He pulls away slightly to look at Sirius. He's perfect. He starts placing kisses all over his face. Starting at his temple, his eyelid, under his eyes, his cheekbone, his nose. He keeps trailing kisses and whispering sweet nothings until Sirius giggles. Remus smiles at him. He grabs a small washcloth wets it and starts dabbing it on Sirius's face, wiping away the makeup and soothing his puffed face.
When he's done he lifts Sirius up and carries him to his bed. Sirius trailed kisses behind his ear and down his throat. He slowly places Sirius on the bed and goes to his trunk to get some clothes for them. He gets his jumper and a hairbrush and climbs into bed. He pulls Sirius into him and Sirius puts his head on Remus's bare chest. Hearing his heartbeat and tracing his scars. Remus begins brushing the knots out of his hair. He braids it and ties it off. Then he lifts Sirius's face to meet his. He places a kiss on his forehead.
“Perfect”
“Do I look pretty Moony?”
“The prettiest.The prettiest star in the sky.”
