Work Text:
Lauren was mystified that guilt wasn’t one of the stages of grief. Because now that she was alone in her empty apartment two days after her mother’s funeral, all she could think about were her past mistakes.
Most notably, she needed someone special, but she’d probably never see that person again. And she had nobody to blame but herself.
It started off innocently enough: she saw Leyla save someone’s life in the ER (although she was confused and angry at first, not realizing that Leyla was a Pakistani-trained doctor) and offered her a place to stay. She still remembered the day Leyla kissed her after finding out she passed her boards and could become a doctor in the U.S. Lauren, taken by surprise at first, realized later that she did feel good and could be comfortable in her new skin. From then on, it felt like she had everything she could ask for: a rewarding career, a cozy apartment, and now, a beautiful girlfriend. She was fulfilled for the first time since coming back from rehab.
Until, that was, she became so afraid of losing Leyla that she made a substantial donation to get her a spot in New Amsterdam’s ER residency. At the time, she believed she did it because Leyla truly earned her place. Now, she wished she hadn’t given into questionable ethics. And today, all she had to show for it was loneliness. She and Vanessa were at odds because she had worked after her mother’s passing, and then she found out she wasn’t getting any of the estate because her mom believed she hated her.
Now what?
She decided this was a real test of her recovery, how much she was made of. Could she really stay sober when she felt unsupported during one of the darkest times of her life? Sure, she didn’t have the best relationship with her mother, but she knew from NA meetings that any stressful life event could cause a downward spiral.
Things would probably be so much different today if she also hadn’t outed hers and Leyla’s relationship in front of the other ER residents. That only made things more difficult for Leyla, who just wanted to fit in and start her career over in America.
If only, if only, if only, Lauren thought. There were a million different actions she could have taken, and she chose the most destructive ones. Why she was thinking about it now when she knew there wasn't anything she could do about the past was a mystery, so she decided to go lie down and try to space out.
The next day, Lauren was surprised to hear a knock at the door, and she stopped in her tracks. She couldn’t imagine who would possibly be stopping by. Maybe it was Floyd, who was one of her only friends left these days. Although she hadn’t seen him in a while, she knew he was still just the person to check in on her when she needed a shoulder to lean on. She also held out some hope that it could be Helen, although she was busy with married life and trying to start a family with Max. She probably didn’t have time to stop by; however, she had called to offer her condolences and she and Max had sent food.
She was still frozen in place when the visitor announced themselves with two more knocks.
“Coming!” she answered, taking the chain off the door. “Sorry about that…” She stopped when she opened the door and saw Leyla in the hallway, and they awkwardly looked at each other, not even saying hello.
“Can I…come in?’ Leyla asked slowly.
“Uh, yeah. I’m not doing anything.” Lauren stepped aside, and Leyla walked in. Lauren was surprised to see her holding a small potted plant, reminiscent of the large tree that used to be in the center of the living room in her old apartment.
“I heard about your mom,” Leyla said, trying to get right to the point of her visit. “I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. So…how did you know exactly?”
“I ran into Floyd the other day and he told me. I thought about just calling or texting or something, but when someone’s loved one dies, I believe in-person visits offer the most comfort. And I know you don’t have the best relationship with your sister, so I was worried you didn’t have a lot of support otherwise.”
“Yeah, let’s not go there.” Lauren agreed. “I’m pretty sure she’s using. I stayed with her as long as I could, but it was starting to threaten my own recovery. This whole thing has made me wonder why my family had to be such a mess.
“And funny enough, you came at a time where I actually couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
“Really?” Leyla asked. “Although, I’m sure you didn’t have any good thoughts given where we ended things.”
“Nope. You know, it’s just that losing a parent is so difficult. Mom and I didn’t get along for the longest time, but even then, it’s been so overwhelming. I went to work so I didn’t have to think about it. It’s doubly hard because just when I believed things were getting better, she’s gone. Now I don’t have more chances and can’t try to get in touch with her again.
“I’m sure you’re wondering what that has to do with you. I guess it’s because I keep thinking of how much easier this could be if you were by my side. If you had been able to come to the funeral. You were the one who diagnosed her and convinced me I was wrong. It was like you indirectly started our reconciliation.”
“Well, I’m here now.” Leyla set down the plant and smiled. “I know this won’t take away your loss, but having a living thing to take care of could be a nice distraction. All it needs is some water every other day.”
“I know. Look, are you sure you really want to be here? I feel like with everything I unnecessarily put you through and the fact that I ruined your career, I’m wondering why you even want to be here.”
“You didn’t ruin my career. I just had to start over somewhere else and get a clean break. But stop thinking about what you did wrong. I want to take care of you today, right now. So, yes, I do want to stick around, if you can stop time traveling long enough to let me.” Leyla leaned in and gave Lauren a kiss, and Lauren briefly closed her eyes to take in the moment. It was nothing like the steamy, passion-filled kisses they used to share at night; it was just a quick peck on the lips. Even so, it took her back to a happier time where everything was falling into place.
“Yeah. You are back in my life, at least for now.” She reached for Leyla’s hand. “Thank you for coming. I really could use the help.”
“Are you hungry?”
“I don’t know about that. Maybe we could catch up. I’ll tell you how work has been going and what you’ve missed. I want to feel normal.”
“We can do that.” They moved to the couch, where once again, they held hands and tried to get comfortable with each other as if they’d never left in the first place.