Chapter Text
It was one of those quiet days where André knew that, when he went downstairs, he would find Oscar's serene gaze accompanied by a smile. She knew exactly what would happen: she would suggest going riding and they would go as far as possible so they could talk calmly. It's what they used to do for a few years since they realized that other servants were spying on them. Not knowing what intentions they might have, they began to go away.
Yes, surely that day would be the same so André went down with great confidence.
“André!” The shout, totally unexpected, took him by surprise. It wasn't the wake-up call he usually received when he was late or had forgotten something important. It was different. It was weird.
“What…what's wrong?” Oscar was frowning and André was almost sure that it had to do with him.
He first checked to have his clothes. Yes, he had them in perfect condition, but that didn't seem to be the problem and, since his master's sapphire gaze was fixed on his face, he decided to almost run to the first mirror that was near him. His hair was fine, well, “fine.” Acceptable. His face had nothing strange at first glance but, when André wanted to get closer to see if he had washed his face well, Oscar's determined hand grabbed him by his arm tightly to turn him around and make him face her. The sudden movement surprised him.
“You're taller,” she said with her brow completely furrowed, her lips in a disapproving grimace and with the intention of getting closer to him.
Because that was it: André was taller, so much that Oscar had to raise her head to look into his eyes, so much so that it seemed to have happened suddenly, so much that Oscar was bothered.
“Ah, that was it…”
André didn't know what else he could say, was it wrong? Not that he could change it. Yes, it was true that, for a long time, they had been approximately the same height, but what was happening was more than natural, it was normal for him to be taller. Maybe that was what bothered Oscar, that the difference between them was more noticeable, more than what they already had.
“It's strange…” she said, now with her face relaxed but without moving her face away from his. “I hadn't realized before”
Oscar could be very impulsive at times, he assumes that she suddenly realized it and, most likely, saw him even taller than he actually is.
“It's not that important, is it?” emphasizing the word 'that', because obviously it had some importance for her, enough to disturb the calm of a normal day.
“No… that's right, it's not important,” for some reason, Oscar looked at him for a few more seconds, as if something was still bothering her. André found it strange and was grateful that it was only for a few moments, he was afraid of blushing and getting nervous.
After that, he noticed Oscar seemed insecure, and odd. As if that impulsiveness had suddenly vanished. André didn't like that, he loved that impulsiveness, that passion...
In reality, he loved everything about her.
“What do you want to do?” he asked her to completely change the subject.
“Let's go for a ride.”
André just nodded. After all, he always did whatever she wanted.
When they left, he noticed that Oscar was going faster than normal, so much so that at first, he had a hard time keeping up with her. Every once in a while Oscar did that, she usually did it for a few meters; she says that it relaxed her, and that she liked feeling the coolness on her face. He then felt the horse's trot slowing down, just when André was about to yell at her to be more careful with the white horse. Sometimes they thought alike.
They always do the same thing (when they were younger, every day) but they have never tired of traveling with their horses to the same places, spending time together...
Well, that's what he wants to believe.
Oscar never made him feel otherwise and he knows her more than anyone, he should have noticed if his constant presence bothered her.
I mean, his job is basically that and he can't imagine any other life than that but... what about Oscar? What does she think? André never thought about the possibility that they would no longer be together every day, it seemed automatic to him. What if one day she tells him that she doesn't need him anymore? André doesn't know if he can survive that, not after so much time but he knows very well that possibility would always be there.
When they got off the horses, she looked at him again, still with that strange look. Was there something wrong with him? Was there something she wanted to tell him but she couldn't bring herself to? Was it something else?
Oscar, you don't trust me enough?
If things were different, if he were a nobleman, if he were braver... he could court her, tell her what he feels, ask her bluntly what she feels, if she ever saw him in any other way. But André can't always be thinking about alternative situations, situations that will never happen because they are just silly fantasies.
And although those 'what ifs' reign in his head, he also loves the present and the past. Because in that past, André knew Oscar from a very young age, because they shared so many things, things that she would not share and will not share with anyone, they grew up together. He is who he is because of Oscar and Oscar is who she is because of him.
But André feels that he can no longer live with that alone. He needs more. He has become greedy without realizing it.
“You liked me better before?”
They decided (well, Oscar decided) to rest in the shade of a tree, while their horses could relax a little. André was sitting while Oscar was lying next to him. They felt the calm in the atmosphere, the wind moved their hair and everything seemed to stop there.
“André, what are you saying? No matter how much you change your appearance, I will always like you. André will always be André,” it made him so happy to hear her say that… it's not that he was worried that she sees him differently but what she told him meant so much to him. “It doesn't matter if you cut your hair, lose an arm, or... I don't know... lose an eye,” they both laughed thinking about the possibility. “To me, you will always be the same because I know that to you I will always be the same.”
Well, it was a lie that he didn't care about it. In fact, André was terrified of the idea that Oscar would stop considering him an important person in her life. Stop loving him. Stop appreciating him. He really feared that.
It was nice to know that wasn't the case.
"It's true. Oscar will always be Oscar. It doesn't matter if you start wearing dresses or if… I don't know, you get married,” André wanted to sound funny like she had just been, but he failed when he noticed seriousness on his friend's face.
“I highly doubt that will happen.”
"Why?"
“Men are usually interested in other types of women…damn, many don't even see me as a woman,” she said flatly. André never really knew if it was something that hurt her, that bothered her, but he didn't feel in a position to ask either.
“I think there are many men interested in you that way,” yes, and he was the first in line.
“How do you know that?” André noticed genuine curiosity in her question, which made him feel… jealous?
“I’ve heard some comments…” It wasn't a lie, it hurt him so much to say it but it wasn't a lie, André knew very well what she caused in other men (and women, of course), he didn't understand why she couldn't see it.
“You must have heard wrong or they were talking about one of my sisters,” she refused to believe it, so much that she even laughed, a lifeless laugh.
Oscar wasn't just pretty. No, because there are many pretty women but she was different, unique. She was gorgeous and maybe the fact that she doesn't even notice is what makes her so gorgeous, so irresistible in his eyes. Oscar doesn't know that and doesn't know so many things.
She doesn’t know…
“I'm sure of what I heard.”
She doesn't know that he is dying of love, that he couldn't help but fall in love with her. He tried not to but every time he did, he fell even harder. Every day it becomes unbearable, André doesn't know how long he can continue like this.
For a few seconds, he watched her. No, rather he observed her lips. Those thin, pink lips that were always there but lately took his breath away. André wondered every night what would happen if he dared to try them, even a little... Oscar probably wouldn't be amused at all and, if anyone found out, he would be in trouble. Big trouble.
He noticed that Oscar's eyes looked at him with some concern. Did she notice that he was looking at her lips? God, he wishes she hadn't noticed. It would be very uncomfortable, he didn't want her to have the wrong idea of him. André would do whatever it took to stay by her side, even if that meant giving up on his feelings, even if that meant that he would stop wanting her, worshiping her. Someday, he hopes, he will be calm with his feelings.
It will pass.
But it didn’t. It only grew more and more.
That night and those that followed he would only think of her, of her and everything she represents.
In Oscar, no other than Oscar.
“Let's go back, André,” she indicated after spending a few minutes in silence. He was the first to get up from the ground and, when he looked to where Oscar was, he saw her arm raised, in a clear gesture that she wanted him to help her. Of course, André didn't hesitate for a second and grabbed her hand so she could get up from the ground. Then they continued their usual route. Neither of them made a comment but André couldn't help but look at the palm of his hands a few times.
A simple touch but it got on his nerves. André sighed all the way thinking about that…
He has fallen. Deep.
And there is no return.