Archive of Our Own

“Then maybe we should break up,” Yoichi snaps, fire in his veins and heart in his throat. “That’s what you want isn’t it?” 

“No!” Kaiser steps forward, voice raised in both alarm and annoyance. “It’s always like this with you.” He holds both of Yoichi’s wrists in his hands with a vice-like grip. It’s a little painful, a little too close. 

Yoichi tries to focus on Kaiser’s eyes but he knows if he finds even an ounce of vulnerability in them, he’ll fold and take back everything he said in the past half hour. “What do you mean always like this?” 

“I just wondered,” Kaiser says, his voice light like he’s trying to find the humour in the situation, “if you’re trying to go for a new record.”

“A new record for what?” 

“For how many times we’re going to break up and get back together.” Kaiser tries for a smile and something in Yoichi breaks. Kaiser’s face snaps to the side with a resounding slap and for a second, Yoichi regrets— he regrets and wants to kiss the blond boy’s cheek better and to burrow his face in his neck and apologise over and over and over. 

But then Kaiser opens his mouth again and he remembers why this time they have to be done for good. “So,” his voice is calm and even, but the tightened grip on Yoichi’s wrists give away his anger. “Are you done yet?” 

“Am I done yet?” Now Yoichi is furious. He pulls his hands out of Kaiser’s grasp. “Are you fucking serious? Fuck off, Michael. Fuck. Off. ” There’s so much venom in his words that Kaiser actually flinches back a little, and is that anguish Yoichi sees written all over his face? Well, too little, too late. 

“Wait, I’m sorry. Please. I didn’t mean— can we rewind? I didn’t mean to—”

Yoichi scoffs, and he’s on a roll now. He injects every tiny ounce of vexation, of irritation and rage that has accumulated over the last three years and says, “I don’t care what you meant. I don’t care if you’re sorry about what you said. You’re always saying these things. And then you’re always sorry about them a day later. We can’t keep doing this— I can’t keep waiting for you to grow up because you never do!”

“Yoichi—”

“You also snark at my friends all the time!” Yoichi streams on, like he didn’t hear Kaiser interrupt. “You keep telling me that you’ll stop and be nice for once in your fucking life but it never happens. Can you imagine how tired I am?” 

“Your friends are asking for it with the way they pick fights with me! You’re not the only one tired in this fucking relationship, Yoichi, so don’t go making it all about yourself again.” 

“So these are your true feelings then,” and now Yoichi’s the one who feels like he’s been slapped. How is it that Kaiser always manages to hurt him so easily? 

Kaiser’s face freezes and he runs a hand through his hair. “I— No,” he pauses. Breathes. “No, of course not. Come back in and we—”

“Stop.” Yoichi's voice drops and he struggles to get the words out. “There’s not going to be a next time for us, Michael.” 

“You don’t mean that.” Kaiser is reaching out for him again, both palms open like he’s asking for an embrace. “Let’s talk about this properly tomorrow, Yoichi.”

Yoichi takes a second to sort through his thoughts. His eyes hurt. “You and I,” he gestures between the two of them as he takes a step back, “you and I are well and truly over.” 

And then he walks away. 

The record is nine. 

Yoichi and Michael have broken up nine times. 

And each time, they forgive and forget the next day. 

This time, the tenth time, it’s different. 

Yoichi is sitting on the sofa of his shared living room when he unmutes his phone.

A barrage of notifications attacks his screen, a mixture of messages and voicemails, all from Kaiser. He gives in to the squeezing in his chest and clicks on the first voicemail that pops up. 

Yoichi, Yoichi I’m so sorry —

He hangs up immediately. 

He can’t do it. He can’t listen to Kaiser’s voice without wanting to cry. And if he cries — if he cries first, he loses. They’ve always been competitive (unhealthily so) and this is just another thing that Yoichi needs to win between them. 

So he resolves to turn his phone off completely. 

Nagi comes into the room, balancing six snacks in one hand and two bowls in another. They’re the only ones currently in the house at the moment, which makes Nagi the only one of Yoichi’s friends that has been briefed on the breakup. 

It’s become routine for one or more of Yoichi’s roommates (Nagi, Chigiri and Bachira) to gather up the remaining junk food in the house, put on a gory action movie where the leads both die at the end and cuddle through the night.  

“Sorry, Nagi,” Yoichi says as he tears open a packet of crisps. He’s getting tired of hearing and saying that word, but sometimes there are certain needs. Nagi would probably prefer to stay in his room playing video games for the entire weekend instead of sitting here and watching people’s heads get blown off with him, Yoichi thinks numbly. Michael would enjoy it. Michael would be laughing at the screen and making fun of the protagonist’s stupidity with him. 

The roommate in question finishes setting up the movie on his laptop and sinks into the sofa next to Yoichi, pulling the blanket over both of their legs. “I don’t mind,” Nagi says. “You know if I really did then I wouldn’t move an inch from my bed.” 

Yoichi laughs shortly. “That’s true.” 

“This also means I can hang out with you without Kaiser trying to bite my head off for sitting too close.” 

The mention of Kaiser — and his jealousy — makes Yoichi focus on the fact that they’re supposed to be done for good this time. Because Kaiser is possessive in all the right and wrong ways and Yoichi has to be done with him. For the sake of his friends, for the sake of Kaiser and for himself. It’s like they constantly bring out the worst in each other. Kaiser is certainly egotistical and arrogant but he’s not innately possessive; when he’s with Yoichi though, the lattermost quality rears its head and takes hold. 

Yoichi ruffles Nagi’s head fondly, and the taller boy bows into his touch, resting his head on Yoichi’s shoulder. “You're such a tactile person,” he says, “he never understood that.” 

“He was only ever interested in understanding you,” Nagi’s voice is muffled against his hair.

Somebody gets shot on-screen, but Yoichi’s eyes don’t move from the top of Nagi’s head. He speaks so quietly he doesn’t know whether Nagi can hear him, but really, Yoichi is talking to himself. “Yeah, I guess he was.” 

Bachira gets back home with twigs in his hair and mud all over his clothes. It’s 5am. 

He finds Nagi and Yoichi snuggled together on the couch, snacks strewn around them and Nagi’s laptop still open on the table in front. He comes to a depressingly accurate conclusion about the events a day prior. 

“Isagi,” he says, tweaking the foot that sticks out from under the blanket. “Isagi, I’m back.” 

Nagi wakes up first, his eyes bleary with sleep. “Dirty,” is his only comment as he looks Bachira up and down. 

Bachira sticks his tongue out but concentrates on Yoichi. “Isagi, wake up.” 

“Don’t,” Nagi says, annoyance leaking into his voice. “He’s tired and you can imagine what happened yesterday. Let him be.” He’s rearranging the blankets over the two of them, preparing to doze off again himself when Yoichi grabs his hand to stop him. 

“It’s okay,” Yoichi mutters, voice scratchy. It’s not okay, really, if he thinks about it. Five o’clock in the morning is the worst possible time to wake up, especially if one has spent the entire evening staring at moving pictures on a screen. “I’m up.”

“You guys broke up again?” Bachira asks, concerned. “Isn’t it about time for you to call him and get back together now?” He looks around for Yoichi’s phone and spots it hiding under the table where the laptop sits. “Oh, it’s been switched off,” so he proceeds to turn it on. 

Yoichi knows Bachira means well and only wants the best for him but there’s something about how Bachira had said it was about time to phone Kaiser and make up. He feels more irritable than usual with his friends, and just wants to duck his head under the throw and disappear from sight. Nagi isn’t saying anything but he can feel him thinking about what Yoichi told him yesterday: that they aren’t getting back together. 

“No,” he says as Bachira hands him his phone. His heart sinks into the pit of his stomach as he sees even more missed calls from Kaiser. He closes his eyes, “It’s done between us for good.” 

“Oh, for real?” Bachira says, sitting down on Yoichi’s other side. “Are you okay?” 

How can I possibly be okay, Yoichi thinks, when a part of me feels missing. It’s true he feels like this every time but he hasn’t muted or shut his phone off before. He hadn’t ever ignored Kaiser before and he always replied to a text as quickly as he could. This time, he’s broken all his rules to push Kaiser away. You and I are well and truly over, he had said the last time they spoke. It looks like Yoichi was telling the truth. 

“I’m not very good at this,” Nagi adds, “but I also hope that you’re okay.” 

Yoichi feels a little bit lighter. It’s always funny to see Nagi so awkward about comforting him but eager to try his best anyway. And with Bachira, Yoichi knows that he would beat Kaiser to a pulp if he ever asked. 

He gives them his best smile, which doesn’t stretch to his eyes, but is still as genuine as he can manage. “I’m glad that you guys are here. I gave myself last night to gorge my face with junk food, so I feel better already.” 

“Don’t worry,” Nagi says as he empties the crumbs of a biscuit tin in his mouth, “you can live vicariously through all the sweets that I’ll be eating.” 

“Thanks, I’m counting on you,” Yoichi teases, dipping his head in a little bow. “Bachira, what are your offerings for the cause?” 

His shorter friend is busy cracking his knuckles as he looks up, which is at odds with the adorable puppy-eyes he gazes at Yoichi with. “I really want to beat him up, Isagi, can I please?” 

“I’ve slapped him already,” he says quietly and Bachira cheers loudly at that. What he doesn’t say is I wish I didn’t I wish I didn’t I wish I wish—

Bachira jumps forward to wrap the two of them sitting on the sofa in a hug but Yoichi holds out a hand to stop him immediately. If there’s one thing Bachira is also very proficient at, it’s making others wonder what he’s been up to and why he always looks like he’s been rolling in the haystack (and Yoichi means that literally, not metaphorically). So he tells him to go take a shower, because the house is currently very clean, and Yoichi would prefer it to stay that way for as long as possible. 

Luckily for Yoichi, he’s the only person Bachira ever listens to. As soon as Bachira disappears up the stairs with the promise that he’ll scrub himself so clean he’ll be sparkling like Edward Cullen, Yoichi turns to Nagi. 

“What do you think?”

“The mud and dirt?” Nagi asks, cracking open an eye. “Definitely that cultish club of his.”

Yoichi snaps his fingers in recognition. “The one where they bang pots and pans and then dance around a bonfire.”

Nagi nods.

“Maybe I should ask Bachira for an invite.” He thinks about how Kaiser would never be caught dead in that kind of scene. “That would cheer me up.” 

Nagi looks at him strangely. “I don’t really think it’s your thing.” 

Nagi’s right, he needs to stop trying to find an escape for all the feelings bubbling up and threatening to spill over. Maybe facing them means he needs to let them envelope him, let them overwhelm him and then finally let them go. (But his heart never wants to forget the feeling of loving Kaiser. How can he possibly say goodbye?)

Chigiri arrives at the house after midday with Rin in tow. The former’s hair is perfectly styled in a plait with a silky sort of quality that Yoichi sometimes wishes would rub off on his own hair. The latter looks more pissed off than usual which has to be a genuine record even for him. 

Yoichi is sitting alone by the kitchen counter when Chigiri and Rin both slam their phones down onto the surface with ground-shaking force. Yoichi, who had been staring at his noodles forlornly, is shaken out of his stupor and looks up at both of them with some level of surprise. “What’s wrong?” Is the first thing he asks, eyes flicking between their faces to gauge any particular expression.

“Why is your boyfriend calling me to whine and cry about you?” Chigiri asks, tapping the screen of his mobile. He pitches his voice up in an awful mockery of Kaiser’s voice, “ Is Yoichi okay? How is he doing? Let me speak to him!”

Yoichi is frozen, but his vision is spinning and he’s seeing two of both Chigiri and Rin. He had forgotten— he forgot that Kaiser had his friends’ numbers. Of course he’d try to reach Yoichi through them; Kaiser is nothing if not determined to see things through. 

“Fuck,” Rin spits when he sees Yoichi’s reaction, fist thumping onto the counter again. Yoichi is going to have to check the structural integrity of his entire kitchen after this conversation. “You guys fought.” 

Yoichi can’t breathe. His throat is locked together tightly and his windpipe feels compressed from every angle. Kaiser is still asking for him, still begging to talk after Yoichi told him to never speak to him again. There’s a pressure building behind his eyes, and he does his best to expel this by looking at the hanging light above their heads. Yoichi inhales through his nose like he’s trying to suck every ounce of oxygen from the room into his body and blinks back the spots dancing behind his eyelids. 

Breathe, he thinks, Breathe. 

But it’s Kaiser’s soft voice he hears in his head, which would normally succeed in soothing his soul but now only makes his breathing sequence quicken. Kaiser, don’t leave, he thinks, trying to grab ahold of the voice as it peters out his head. Stay. 

There’s someone shaking his shoulders and Yoichi opens his eyes to see Rin’s face, lips calling his name. There’s no sound coming out though; Yoichi’s ears can only hear the ringing echo of Kaiser telling him to breathe. He thinks if he tries hard enough, he’ll hear it again— 

“—YOICHI!” Rin’s hands are cupping his face now and he looks furious. “Look at me— no, look at me!”

The room stops spinning, and Yoichi can see Rin’s stupidly long lashes with clarity. He tries for a smile. “Hi Rin, you look angry.” 

“I’m fucking furious, you dumbass,” Rin squeezes his shoulders tightly. “I’ll knock his head in.”

Yoichi thinks that at some level he should feel entertained about how many of his friends have suggested they knock Kaiser around after their breakup but it only makes him feel worse. He touches his eyes hesitantly, and when he finds them dry, Yoichi feels oddly triumphant. He hasn’t cried yet. He’s still coming out on top. 

“So he broke your heart just to beg for you back?” There are two irate patches of red on Chigiri’s cheeks. “Is that what happened?”

Yoichi shakes his head. “I said that I wasn’t going to do this with him anymore.” 

“No more on-and-off?” Chigiri asks. 

“No more on-and-off,” Yoichi confirms. 

Chigiri slaps him on the back. “Good for you.” 

Rin hasn’t said anything yet, which is usually a bad sign. “Are you sure it’s over?” Yoichi flinches. Leave it to Rin not to mince his words. 

“Hasn’t the pattern been broken?” Yoichi asks right back. “I’m normally back in his bed before 8am the next day, aren’t I? It’s lunchtime now.” He mixes his noodles half-heartedly, voice cold. “Have I passed your test?” 

“Hey,” Rin starts, “I didn’t mean it like that—”

“I know,” Yoichi interrupts. “So let’s just leave it.”

Rin is quiet for a moment before he unlocks his phone and pushes it towards Yoichi. “This is what he sent me this morning.”

It’s a short text. 

make sure you keep your sticky mitts away from Yoichi

also, please make sure he’s okay

Yoichi doesn’t think he can feel any worse, but there’s a sharp ache in his chest that proves him wrong. It’s no secret that Kaiser is jealous and possessive over Yoichi. It’s also no secret that he hates Rin because before the two exes met, Rin and Yoichi had kissed a couple of times during freshers week. 

And yet, there is evidence that sits right in front of him that Kaiser is saying please to someone other than Yoichi, that he cares and that he would rather Rin be around to make sure Yoichi is surrounded by friends than suffering alone. 

It’s never been harder to stay mad at Kaiser. 

(He loves him he loves him he loves him.)

But when Yoichi opens his mouth, he says, “I can’t do this.” His voice is small. “Help me stay mad at him. Please, Rin.”

“You don’t need to stay mad at him to let him go,” Rin says, tugging the phone away from Yoichi’s hands.

“It would be easier though, wouldn’t it?” Yoichi turns to Chigiri. “It would hurt less.”  

He shrugs. “I think,” Chigiri murmurs, “it would hurt either way.” 

It had been some random day of a random month in a random upperclassman’s house party when Yoichi and Kaiser spoke to each other for the first time. 

It wasn’t Yoichi’s scene. The loud music, the obnoxious singing and dancing and most of all, the number of people getting in his space. He had spotted Chigiri in the kitchen but before he could hurry over to demand they get going, he saw a mass of spiky orange hair and ah— yes. The princess was wrapped around Kunigami’s arms, almost disappearing from view. Yoichi resigned himself to another few hours in this damn house and decided that getting air would make him feel less nauseous about seeing two of his friends eat each other’s faces. 

Thankfully, there hadn’t been anyone outside. It was too cold, with Yoichi’s breath frosting in the air like smoke every time he opened his mouth. He sat down on the ledge by the door and jumped when he realised that there was someone there, just shrouded in the darkness of night. 

The first thing Yoichi noticed was his eyes. They were crystal-like. Hard, assessing and impossibly bright. And he was staring straight at him. “Hi,” Yoichi said shortly, for lack of a better conversation starter as he sat down next to this mystery man. (There was something about those eyes that made him feel brave.)

“You look familiar.” He had a slight accent, but Yoichi couldn’t place it. It was too subtle, too ingrained in his voice for Yoichi to take it apart and inspect every tone and pitch variation. “I feel like I’ve seen you before.” Upon closer inspection, he had blond hair, long enough that Yoichi could reach around and twirl the ends (that were dyed blue!) around his finger. 

He wanted to ask about his hair but what came out of his mouth instead was, “Is that a pick-up line?” 

The man laughed. “No, but it should’ve been,” he said, leaning lazily against the patio’s pillar with his legs crossed languidly. “I’m Michael Kaiser. And you are…?”

“Isagi Yoichi,” he replied, feeling his heartbeat quicken. Michael Kaiser was hot and Yoichi wanted to drag him to an empty room, throw him on the bed and divest him of his clothing. There was something electric about Michael Kaiser— in his eyes, his smile, his figure and the way he looked at Yoichi like he was tasty enough to eat. 

The look he received after introducing himself promised trouble. “Yoichi, then.” The person in question flushed at the use of his first name. “What brings you outside? Is it the beautiful scenery?” Kaiser wiggled his eyebrows in a way that was supposed to be sexy, but came across incredibly dorky. 

God, Yoichi was already falling for this man. 

“It was suffocating in there,” Yoichi answered honestly, “and everyone is an eyesore.” He had sounded harsh but really, something in his gut told him Kaiser would like that very much. “The view out here is top tier though,” he plucked up his courage to lean very close to the other man. “Would you agree?”

Kaiser licked his lips, eyes on Yoichi’s lips. “Fuck yes.” 

They were rudely interrupted by the front door bursting open and someone emptying their entire stomach onto the porch. Well, that was one way to kill any sort of mood. Yoichi thought he might recognise the face of the vomiter as Oliver Aiku but he wasn’t certain and he didn’t want to call out and go help if it meant leaving the press of Kaiser’s warmth against his shoulder. 

Eventually, Oliver Aiku left and Yoichi turned to ask Kaiser what he was doing out here since he didn’t seem particularly inebriated.

“Shall I let you into a little secret?” Kaiser had asked and Yoichi had felt the entire world fade away. It was just him and Kaiser and his low lilting voice. “I’m actually an introvert. People don’t agree with me and I don’t agree with people.” 

Yoichi wanted to kiss him. “I wouldn’t have guessed that.”

“I seem like the life of the party don’t I?” Kaiser winked, arms stretching out behind him. 

“You do,” Yoichi agreed, trying to read his eyes. “It’s the bad boy image you’ve curated nicely for yourself.” 

Kaiser looked absolutely delighted at Yoichi’s comment. “Looks can be deceiving.” He paused for a beat and then stood up, taking Yoichi’s hand. “Let’s leave that behind,” he pointed at the pile of vomit and nodded towards the house, “and find somewhere else quiet for us.”

So they scoured the entire house for an empty room and after walking into two salaciously occupied bedrooms, they took another spin around the ground floor and found the kitchen devoid of people. 

Kaiser and Isagi both sat against opposite sides of the wall in the back of the kitchen where they’d have the smallest chance of being interrupted. The space was narrow though, and their knees knocked together continuously until Kaiser stilled them both by locking their legs. The message was clear, powerful: stop fidgeting. (Yoichi was seconds away from jumping into the taller boy’s lap.)

So they spent the evening like that — legs pressed together, facing each other — and talked each other’s ears off. It turned out that Kaiser and Yoichi had met prior to the house party, but only from afar. Kaiser often played football in the large park down the road to Yoichi’s house and Yoichi had seen him there when he had been doing some volunteering for the primary school in the area. Yoichi’s volunteering (of course) had been football coaching for the five and six year old boys and girls at that school. Apparently, Kaiser had stared at him often when he taught the little ones which meant his cheesy pick-up line had been genuine, and Yoichi was the one who had just assumed Kaiser’s intentions. 

Time passed quickly, and Kaiser was talking about his favourite foods from home when Chigiri had turned up at the kitchen doorway, swaying on his feet with Kunigami’s hand steadying his waist. “There you are!” Chigiri giggled, his hair tangled in seven different directions. “The party’s over, time to go!” 

They were both clearly intoxicated and Yoichi, as designated driver, meant that he had to make sure they got back to their dorms in one piece — which meant leaving Kaiser. But he didn’t want to get up. He wanted to stay in this corner of the kitchen with Kaiser’s face a few centimetres away from his own. Yoichi hadn’t ever felt this way about someone so quickly— Kaiser was a planet, and Yoichi a mere moon, destined to be pulled into that impossibly charismatic orbit. He was made of contradictions, of anomalies and of secrets. Yoichi wanted to discover them all.   

“Isagi, I don’t know who’s going to be sick first,” Kunigami broke in, looking very dour about the news, “me or Chigiri.” If there were any magic words, those would be it. 

“Just give me a second,” Yoichi nodded. “Can you both wait by the car?” He was lucky they were both too drunk to question him about the tall blond-haired, blue-eyed god in front of him. When they had shuffled out, Kaiser spoke first. 

“Yoichi,” he tangled their hands together, “don’t go. You still owe me a secret for the one that I gave you.” Kaiser looked collected as usual, but there was something intense underlying his tone, something needy. 

It made Yoichi feel. 

“I want to,” he murmured. “I really want to but I promised I’d make sure my friends got home in one piece.” His thumb stroked Kaiser’s hand gently, consolingly. “You understand, don’t you?”

“I do,” Kaiser said, “but I wish I didn’t.” Yoichi blinked but Kaiser pressed on. “Give me your phone.” 

So when he buckled both Chigiri and Kunigami safely under the seatbelts and finally settled in the seat of his car, he allowed himself to freak out. Michael Kaiser Michael Kaiser Michael Kaiser. His mind was ringing. His pocket felt twice as heavy as usual with the knowledge of a new number saved in his contacts. 

But the party ended without a kiss. 

Yoichi needed to rectify this immediately, so he had called Kaiser the very next day. 

And the next. And the next. 

And the next. 

It started off very innocent and casual. Yoichi said there was a new cafe in town on his radar that he hadn’t been to yet, and asked whether Kaiser would be interested in coming with him to try their delicacies. Kaiser had said yes. The next day Yoichi had asked Kaiser whether he wanted to see this new movie in the cinema that had a 93% rating on rotten tomatoes. Kaiser had said yes. Then they would kiss a lot. 

Kaiser had followed up and asked Yoichi out to do things too, receiving identical answers to the ones he would’ve given. They frequented the bookstore, the jazz club — where they didn’t have to interact with other people — and the library for study dates. Yoichi also met Ness. When Kaiser said he didn’t like people or interacting with them much, he was being completely truthful. Yoichi had discovered that Ness was Kaiser’s one friend (and friend was putting it nicely). 

Neither one of them wanted to rock the boat by asking first, but eventually Kaiser caved and invited Yoichi to his dorm. Yoichi had screamed on the inside and then replied yes with a level of suave that he hoped was passable.

“I like your room,” Yoichi had said when he stepped into it. 

Kaiser had wrapped his arms around Yoichi’s back and kissed the square of skin right under his ear. “Good, because you’ll be spending a lot of time in it.” 

Shivering, Yoichi whispered, “I like your bed best, so that sounds like a plan to me.” 

The next thing he knew, he had been thrown onto the bed with Kaiser’s tongue down his throat. Hands were pulling his shirt off and stroking the planes of his stomach carefully — reverently — and Yoichi was begging to be touched even more. And well, dot dot dot. 

During the first week of the break-up, loneliness is determined to drive a hole through his heart. 

Yoichi thinks his friends have probably conspired behind his back to try and make him feel less alone; yesterday, Kunigami had been prowling around the house, a scowl adorning his face and looking to be in a very bad mood altogether which actually succeeded in cheering Yoichi up a bit. 

To be honest, it makes him feel like he’s being babysat. But that’s still better than moping, Yoichi resolves. 

Hiori had arrived in the afternoon, and they were now playing cards in the living room after stuffing themselves with the extra spicy tofu stir fry he had brought with him as a cheer up gift. Yoichi had wanted to deny any need for a pick-me-up, but after smelling Hiori’s cooking, there were very few complaints.

“So what did he say to you this time?”

Yoichi casts his mind back to what had started their whole argument in the first place. “That I revelled in other people’s attention so much I should let them take turns to fuck me.”

“Shit,” Hiori blinks. “That’s foul, even for him.” 

Yoichi doesn’t say anything, but he thinks of Kaiser’s lips twisting as he spat out those words. He thinks of Kaiser’s eyes that looked like cracked glass, broken and desperate. 

“What did you say back?” Hiori asks, face coming back into focus. 

“I told him he had such an ugly heart sometimes,” Yoichi whispers. God, he feels sick.

“Fuck,” Hiori swears, with feeling. 

Fuck, indeed.

Yoichi tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, feeling the need to defend himself. “He’s the one that gets jealous, possessive and insecure and then proceeds to take it out on me every fucking time!” 

“I know,” Hiori says, eyes on his cards. “Go fish.” 

“Fuck you too,” Yoichi mutters. 

Hiori smiles, the picture of serenity. “You’ve got a potty mouth today, Isagi-kun.” 

Yoichi flushes a little at that, but puts another card down primly, “Try me on a day that doesn’t end in y.”

The conversation lulls for a bit before Hiori opens his mouth, avoiding Yoichi’s eyes. “You know that you guys weren’t good for each other, don’t you?” They’re playing rummy now. 

“Are you calling me or him the bad influence?” Yoichi asks absently, chewing at his lip. 

“I’m not saying either of you were bad influences per se,” Hiori says as he matches another set. “Sometimes people don’t fit together. You guys were like puzzle pieces that belonged on opposite ends of the image.” 

Yoichi stretches his arms over his head, focusing on the crack in his ceiling. “Mismatched puzzle pieces, huh?” He’s not sure about that one. When they were happy together, there was nothing mismatched about them. 

“Tenth breakup,” Hiori says under his breath.

Yoichi forces a laugh out loud. “I get it, I get it.” 

Three years ago, Yoichi fell in love for the first time in his life. 

He had been waiting for Kaiser outside the bookstore that they frequented, dressed nicely in a long overcoat and loose-collared shirt. It was their nth date, but Yoichi still wanted to look nice— and if Kaiser found him delectable enough to undress later on that day, well, all the better. 

It was fifteen minutes past the hour that they were supposed to meet. Kaiser was never late though, he was always early and loved to rub it in whenever Yoichi was the one to turn up 30 seconds after their agreed upon time. 

Concerned, Yoichi rang Kaiser’s phone. It rang and rang until Yoichi was directed to voicemail and he felt his stomach turn. Tempted to hail a cab but ultimately deciding against it when he saw how slow the traffic was moving, Yoichi took off at a sprint towards Kaiser’s dorm.  

When he got there, Yoichi had banged on Kaiser’s door with such worry that he was afraid he would break it down. Was he okay? Was he sick? There wasn’t any immediate answer so Yoichi took out his phone again and rang Kaiser’s phone. A second later, he heard the ringing through the door. 

“Michael, I’m coming in!” He called, praying the door was unlocked. It was, which only served to worry him further.

Kaiser was sprawled on the floor next to his bed, his eyes shut and his breathing laboured. His hair was in a complete disarray, and his side parting made his bangs flop over his eyes. His face and neck were flushed red with fever and he was shaking in a robe. He was also wearing glasses, which made Yoichi stop for a second in astonishment, feeling strangely feverish himself before jumping into action. He didn’t know Kaiser wore glasses. 

(It was unfair how handsome Kaiser was.) 

“Michael,” Yoichi whispered, shutting the door behind him and gathering Kaiser up in his arms. “Michael, I’m here.” 

His eyes opened, and Yoichi could see Kaiser panic for a second. “I’m sorry, Yoichi. I tried to come out to meet you but I must’ve passed out,” he gripped Yoichi’s arm. “Forgive me.” 

Yoichi shushed him, then manoeuvred him so he sat on his bed, his back resting against the headboard. “Don’t worry about it. I want you to rest.” He said softly, tucking loose strands behind Kaiser’s ear. “You’ve caught a fever.” 

“I’m fine. We can—” Kaiser started coughing into his fist. “We can still go. I don’t want to ruin this day for you.” 

“No,” Yoichi responded firmly, pressing the back of his hand against Kaiser’s forehead. Hot, his mind supplies unhelpfully. “Have you taken any meds?” 

“I’m not weak!” Kaiser whined, trying to roll out of bed. God, he was so adorable, Yoichi wanted to kiss this man silly. “Let’s go out, Yoichi, let me treat you to dinner.” 

“What a gentleman,” Yoich hummed, “but it’s time for me to give you the princess treatment.” He fluffed all of Kaiser’s pillows and rearranged them behind his neck so that he could look around without straining it. “I’m guessing that’s a no to the meds then,” he added with a knowing look at Kaiser who hid behind the curtain of his hair. 

“I’m sorry, Yoichi,” Kaiser mumbled, his voice getting weaker. He was clutching Yoichi’s hand like he was afraid the latter would want to let go. Why on earth would he let go? Yoichi wanted Kaiser’s touch on him just as much as Kaiser wanted his. 

Patting his head with his free hand, Yoichi murmured, “Shhhhh, nothing to be sorry for, Michael.  I’m going to take care of you.” He slid his hand down to wrap around the frame of his glasses. “As much as I love these on you, shall we take them off?” 

Kaiser was startled. “Shit, am I wearing my glasses? Fuck. I look like a mess, don’t I?” It was rare to see him so shy about his appearance, when normally Kaiser had enough ego for both of them and then some, but Yoichi supposed that fever-driven Kaiser was a different breed of cute and therefore had some capacity to feel awkward about things.

“You don’t,” Yoichi rolled his eyes. “You are still a drama queen about things though.” 

“You love that about me,” Kaiser whispered, his eyes fluttering shut. As much as they hung out together and fucked and kissed and said they liked each other, neither Kaiser nor Isagi had talked about love yet. He was barely lucid, and Yoichi had no doubt that he wouldn’t remember a single thing by the time his temperature dipped back down but it didn’t change the fact that Kaiser was right. He did love that about him. 

He was in love, he just hadn’t realised it. 

By the time he had nipped to the pharmacy to grab some painkillers, returned home to warm up his emergency chicken soup and ran back to Kaiser’s room, he was sweating up a storm but still doing his best to appear collected. Yoichi’s biggest regret was wearing his massive overcoat that made him feel ten pounds heavier. 

Kaiser had dozed off, and was lying flat on his bed divested of his glasses so that he could rest comfortably. Setting down the meds, Yoichi poured the soup in a bowl and gently woke the other boy up. 

Kaiser blinked awake. “You came back.” 

“Of course I did.” Yoichi stirred the broth around with a spoon so that the chicken bits weren’t stuck at the bottom. Kaiser opened his mouth— no doubt to say something else inane— but Yoichi slipped the spoon in and urged him to swallow. “Stop trying to think. When you’re ill, you get to take the day off.” 

It was like Kaiser was unused to being taken care of, which upset Yoichi to his core. He was someone who took responsibility for himself instead of choosing to rely on others and maybe that’s why people liked to call him arrogant. And he was— Yoichi wasn’t going to deny it, but was it such a bad thing to be so self-assured? Kaiser wore it well and Yoichi really wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Yoichi, are you an angel?” Kaiser asked as his nurse blew on his soup to cool it down. “You’re sort of glowing in this light.” 

“Such a sweet-talker,” Yoichi rolled his eyes, trying to hide his amusement. Kaiser was sick, he had to be serious about this. 

Kaiser smiled then, impossibly soft. “Only to you.”

Yoichi set down the soup and reached out to wipe some of the sweat from the back of Kaiser’s neck with a fresh towel. He then pressed a kiss to Kaiser’s blue rose. 

“You’ll get sick,” Kaiser protested, but it was half-hearted like he was hoping for another reward. 

“I’ve got the constitution of a horse,” Yoichi replied, “I’ll be fine.” He kissed the crown on Kaiser’s hand to prove his point, lacing their fingers together afterwards as if to say, see? I’m not going anywhere. 

“WIll you stay with me tonight?”

“Of course,” Yoichi agreed readily. He wasn’t sure he trusted Kaiser to take any painkillers or eat properly without him. “I’ll be here.”

“Thank you, Yoichi.” Kaiser’s voice was so genuine, without a trace of snark. His eyes were a deeper shade of blue than usual, fathomless and hiding a plethora of secrets, each one begging for Yoichi to read and understand them. 

Thank you, Kaiser said. 

I love you, is what he meant. 

When Kaiser recovered, the postponed bookshop date was back in business. (They both showed up an hour early.)

“Where are your glasses?” Yoichi teased and Kaiser blushed red like a rose blooming in springtime. 

Yoichi had known right then and there that he wanted Kaiser more than anything he’d ever wanted in the world. 

“Be my boyfriend,” Yoichi said, eyes alight. “Say you’ll be my boyfriend.” 

Yoichi hadn’t even finished speaking before he was enveloped in the warmest hug, Kaiser peppering him with a thousand kisses per second on his face, his neck and finally bringing Yoichi’s hands together and kissing the pads of his fingers like a worshipper. “Yes,” he breathed, grinning openly in a manner that was so unlike Kaiser. “I’ll be your boyfriend, of course I’ll be your boyfriend.” 

Yoichi felt so happy, so genuinely ecstatic. “Good. I think we might be stuck together then.” 

“Marry me,” Kaiser said into Yoichi’s hair. “Marry me now.” 

And Yoichi had felt electric — unstoppable — in Kaiser’s arms then. He giggled, tugging at the tail-end of Kaiser’s mullet playfully. “Okay, but since we’ll need lots of practice for our wedding night, we should spend the rest of today in your bedroom.” 

“I like the way you think.” Kaiser’s smile was downright wicked. 

And they had left the bookstore without any books (a cardinal sin!) because there were more important things to take care of. 

The perfection had lasted for a while. Yoichi and Ness still didn’t get along, Kaiser and the rest of Yoichi’s friends were always butting heads and yet the two of them were more in love with each other than ever before. But time was a thorny friend, and more often than not, it turned its back on people. 

The end of their honeymoon phase marked the day Yoichi and Kaiser started picking fights with each other. It started off small, but snowballed into bigger arguments and longer fights— and they always centred around similar things each time. Kaiser complained about Yoichi’s closeness with certain people (read: Rin) and wanted Yoichi to be more respectful about boundaries and to consider his boyfriend’s feelings for once. Yoichi shouted right back that Kaiser wasn’t allowed to control his life and that it wasn’t his fault Kaiser was an insecure prick about people Yoichi chose to hang out with. 

That was the reason for their first breakup. 

It took five hours for them to have make up sex. 

The second time they broke up, the reasons were of a similar vein, but Yoichi had started the yelling by implying Kaiser was too needy, too clingy and why didn’t he have his own life to live? Kaiser had snapped back that Yoichi was clearly obsessed with the idea of hurting him, of wanting to make him jealous by surrounding himself with people that weren’t Kaiser. 

Rinse. 

Repeat. 

They’re nothing if not consistent about being inconsistent. 

Until breakup number ten. 

It’s the second week after the breakup, and Yoichi finds himself more often in Rin’s company than not. He doesn’t know how he feels about it. 

He goes running with Rin every morning, which is something he used to do with Kaiser. He goes to the nearby park to dog-watch with Rin, which he also used to do with Kaiser. They have every spare meal together. 

Yoichi suspects that Rin has taken it upon himself to stop him from running back to his ex; he’s being treated like an errant dog. 

“It’s like you don’t even live in your own house anymore,” Yoichi observes one afternoon when Rin shoulders his way into his room. 

“Sae- nii’ s away right now,” Rin shrugs, “and the house is completely empty. It’s not like I’m neglecting anyone.” 

Yoichi looks up from his book. “I would have thought you would prefer to enjoy an empty house all to yourself. Peace and quiet right?” He definitely appreciates the company, but it feels like Rin’s trying to replace Kaiser in his memory and that leaves a sour taste in his mouth. 

“Peace and quiet is nice,” Rin agrees, “but I don’t trust you not to try and torture yourself emotionally when I’m not around.” 

“Torture myself?” Yoichi scoffs. 

“You think you need to suffer alone so that you can go through what he’s going through.” Rin says calmly, like he’s spelling something out. “You think it’s unfair that you get to use your friends to forget about your breakup when he doesn’t rely on anyone.” 

Yoich is quiet. It’s been a week or so since he’s discussed Kaiser with Rin. Last time it had nearly ended in tears which made Yoichi want to avoid the topic like the plague, but clearly Rin has more unsolicited opinions he had been waiting to share. 

“I’m not wrong.” Rin says, firm. “You know that.” 

“What’s your point?” Yoichi snaps his book shut completely. “That I want to suffer in tandem, in resonance with my b— Kaiser so that it feels fair? Otherwise I’ll be guilty that he’s struggling through this alone, without a shoulder to cry on because Ness doesn’t count— because he would never talk to Ness about this?” He feels bile rising up his throat and he fights to swallow it down. 

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. It’s nice to see you’re not completely unaware.” Rin tilts his head to the side. “Don’t you feel like you’ve made progress over the past week? Don’t you think you’re getting over him?”

Rin is looking at him the way he looks expectantly at a dog when he asks for its hand. To him, there’s only one right answer, so Yoichi gives it. 

“Yes,” Yoichi lies. 

Nobody is more surprised than he is when Ness texts him. 

see you at the coffee shop closest to your place 

now 

come alone

Yoichi snorts water through his nose when he first reads it. Come alone? Why is Ness texting like he’s a government spy with a target on his back? Maybe he wants to challenge Yoichi to a fight for breaking up with Kaiser. No— that’s not Ness’ style: he’d prefer to beat Yoichi to a bloody pulp. A straightforward fist fight. 

His text also isn’t phrased as a question. Yoichi isn’t being invited anywhere, his presence is demanded. He rolls his shoulders, thanking the stars that he doesn’t have a personality like Rin’s, otherwise he would’ve crushed his phone in a fit of fury. 

He dresses sloppier than he usually would, but he suspects that this meeting will be rather short and concise. He’s not scared of Ness, but just in case, he shares his location with Rin. One can never be too careful. 

When he arrives at the cafe, Ness is already there. He’s sitting at a table closest to the entrance, sipping a cup of coffee. Yoichi drops into the seat opposite him without ceremony, foregoing a drink. “Ness.”

“Yoichi.” 

Neither of them speak for a moment. The moment is punctured periodically by Ness loudly slurping his coffee. It’s obnoxious, but what else is he expecting?  

“Yoichi, it’s been a while.” 

Oh, he thinks. Ness is going to do the whole Bond villain routine. Yoichi decides to rise above it, and take the high road. “You look well, Ness.” 

“When do I not,” he answers snootily. If Yoichi rolls his eyes any farther back, they’re going to get stuck rattling around somewhere in his head. 

“Is—” He hesitates. He’s dying to know how Kaiser is doing but he doesn’t know whether asking Ness will get him a proper answer. “Is Michael okay?” Yoichi’s voice is hushed, and he prays that the crack he heard was a figment of his imagination and a product of stress. 

Ness’ eyes narrow. “Of course he’s okay,” he snaps. “Why wouldn’t he be okay?” 

“I just want him to be doing well,” Yoichi says. Having a real conversation with Ness is impossible so he redirects. “Is there anything you wanted to talk about in particular?” 

“Anything in particular?” Ness laughs and it’s loud— much louder than the volume at which they were previously conducting their conversation. “You’ve got to be fucking joking.” 

“Ness—”

“I’ve been trying not to shout,” he continues, tone biting, “because we’re in public and I don’t want to cause a scene but—”

Yoichi looks up and around, alarmed. There are a considerable number of people at the cafe, and since it’s the closest coffee shop to his house, he knows a number of the regulars. “Ness—” 

“YOU BROKE HIS HEART!” Ness screams, eyes ablaze. He’s standing now, his chair is pushed back and his hands grip the edge of the table like vice. “You broke his heart and you dare ask me how he is? Fuck you, Yoichi! Fuck you!” 

Yoichi’s stomach drops. 

Everyone stares as Ness storms out of the shop. Yoichi would’ve heard a pin drop. He gets up too and apologises to the baristas and the customers in the shop profusely, feeling his face flame under probing eyes from every corner of the cafe. He needs to get out of here. 

Ness has crossed the road and when he sees Yoichi exit, he points at the park down the street. He doesn’t know why he follows, but Ness clearly has a litany of things he wants to say. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Yoichi crosses his arms when they find a quiet area behind a line of shrubbery. Luckily, it’s still early morning and there aren’t many people out and about except for the runners who all have their earphones in. 

“That felt good,” Ness says, leaning against the trunk of a tree. 

Yoichi’s fingers twitch. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He repeats. Maybe Ness needs to hear it twice for anything to penetrate his thick skull. 

“Nothing.” Ness spits. “You hurt Michael though, so there’s a hell of a lot wrong with you.”

Yoichi is going to be the one to scream this time. “You don’t think we both hurt? You don’t think I’m feeling his absence just as much as he feels mine?” Speaking to Ness was a bad idea; he wants to cry, to sob, to let out every single emotion he’s been bottling. 

Ness shrugs. “News flash, I don’t fucking care about you, Yoichi.” 

“I know,” Yoichi says, trying to control his tone. “But I agreed to come see you, didn’t I? Because I care about Michael and I want to know how he’s doing.” 

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Ness sneers. “Oh wait, you’re ignoring his calls.” 

“It’s not like that.” Yoichi is already tired. “We’re not doing the on-again off-again thing. We can’t. It’ll make both of us miserable.” 

Ness makes a noise, his brows furrowed so aggressively that they touch. “I know that.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Yoichi asks, increasingly desperate. “Do you want us to get back together?”

“Fuck no. Michael is better off without you.” This hurts, especially coming from Ness. Maybe he is the problem in their relationship. Maybe he’s hurt Kaiser so much that he found it painful to be with Yoichi. He shuts his eyes, willing his head to stay clear. 

“Why did you have a go at me in the cafe then?” 

“Because I wanted to shout at you so badly .” The smile that stretches across Ness’ mouth is ugly. “I’ve been dreaming about it for more than a week.” 

Yoichi’s patience thins as he watches another runner pass by the corner where they stand, giving them a curious look. “What?” 

“I was angry. I’m still angry,” Ness corrects, “but it’s not my relationship. You guys had a thing going, and then it became fucked. But it was an okay thing, wasn’t it?” 

Yoichi closes his eyes. This kind of incongruity in speech is common for Ness, and Yoichi’s head swims with the effort to figure out what he means, what he wants from this interaction. He said he’s glad Yoichi’s out of Kaiser’s life, but now he’s validating their relationship. It’s not like Ness’ opinion matters at all — in fact, he would be so much better without it — but there’s a tiny piece of flickering hope buried under a mountain of frustration that maybe someone else thought they were good together. “You’re giving me whiplash, Ness.” 

“Good,” he says callously, and leaves.

Bachira’s interference comes when the third week after the breakup rolls around. 

“We’re going to Rin-chan’s place for a party tonight.” He announces to Nagi, Chigiri and Yoichi. He points at Yoichi first. “You need to get out. You,” he looks at Nagi, “never leave your room.” He spins around to face Chigiri, faltering. “And you, well, you’re actually doing great Chigiri.” 

The princess in question snorts. “Thanks, Bachira, I appreciate your assessment.” 

“No worries,” he says, beaming. “Okay, the dress code for tonight…I’m thinking slutty but not too slutty?” 

“My favourite style,” Chigiri grins. 

Bachira presses on. “Reo will be there!” Nagi perks up at this. Encouraged, he checks more of the invitees off using his fingers, “I’m pretty sure Karasu and Otoya are coming and Yukki too.” 

Nagi and Yoichi don’t say a word from where they’re sitting on the sofa. “I’ll wear clothes,” Yoichi promises. “There will be fabric on my body, you can count on that.” 

“I’m going like this,” Nagi yawns. “The hoodie is a strategic thing in case it rains when we get back.”

Bachira sighs. “I don’t know why I even try anymore.” 

They’re the last ones to arrive. Rin opens the door for them grumpily and mutters something about not wanting to host a stupid party and if Bachira was going to insist, he should’ve been the first to arrive so that he could help set up. 

Yoichi doesn’t know if Bachira catches any of that, but the latter jumps onto Rin’s shoulders and apologises for being late. “Rin-chan! I’m sorry, do you know how hard it is to drag people out of the house?” 

“Get off!” He tries to elbow Bachira but it’s not very successful. “Just talk to the people you invited. I’m going to make sure they don’t break anything.” 

“Boooo,” Bachira pouts as he slips off to face Yoichi again. “He sure is a downer, isn’t he? I think he probably misses Sae-chan very much but won’t admit it.” 

They hear Rin hiss at them from afar for this comment but Bachira is already dragging Yoichi away to do the rounds. There’s a total of about twenty people here, but Yoichi loses track after greeting Karasu and Hiori (who are sitting very close to each other). He feels like an accessory by Bachira’s side, pulling a tight smile across his face and waving at people across the room. 

He wishes he had the energy to interact and actually hold a conversation with someone, but there’s a dead feeling in his chest as he remembers the last time he was at a party. 

Kaiser was with him, of course, and they were spinning each other around and dancing to the music for once, instead of skipping out into the night. I love you, Kaiser had said, his arms wrapped around Yoichi’s waist. I love you so much I wouldn’t be surprised if it destroyed me. Yoichi had laughed and kissed him in the middle of the room, but now he wonders about those words. Hadn’t their love destroyed and eroded their relationship? 

Yoichi excuses himself from Bachira and settles for an unoccupied armchair in the corner of the living room. He’s going to take a small nap— the longer he stays awake, the less he seems to be able to think. His thoughts are clouding every nook and cranny of his brain, his body and his mind, and he needs to take a break from it all. 

Going to a party just to sleep. Yoichi smiles, thinking about Kaiser. He would certainly laugh himself silly. 

Yoichi feels a gentle pressure against his scalp, the feeling of fingers brushing through his hair. Michael, he thinks, Michael has come home. He’s still hazy with sleep but he lifts his hand up, hoping for the comfort of touch. Someone catches his hand and pats it gently, but it’s not Michael’s hand— none of the calluses are in the right place, the skin is too soft and delicate. 

“Yoichi,” a soft voice calls, “are you up?” 

Oh, he knows that voice. “Sae- nii ?” His eyes flutter open to see Rin’s brother leaning over the armchair to peer into his eyes. 

“You look exhausted,” Sae mutters, his gaze darkening as he assesses the seriousness of Yoichi’s eyebags. “Everyone else has gone home. I think Meguru forced Rin to give everyone a ride since he was the sober one out of the entire motley crew.” 

Yoichi blinks, still disorientated. There’s enough exhaustion in both his body and his mind that he could go straight back to sleep easily. He doesn’t want to bother Sae though, so he gets up unsteadily on his feet. 

“Rin said you were away?” 

“I was,” Sae comments, “but I’m back now. A bit earlier than anticipated to be sure.” 

Yoichi manages a small smile. “That’s good. I think he was missing you very much.” 

“I’m sure he wasn’t,” Sae glances at him drily. “You know how Rin is. But it’s nice of you to extend that sentiment.” 

Yoichi looks around for his phone and finds it on the armchair he just vacated. Unlocking it, he sees a text from Bachira explaining how he wanted Yoichi to get some sleep. If Rin had been his roommate, he probably wouldn’t have received the same thoughtful care. 

“It’s awfully late,” Sae adds. “I’m not letting you walk home by yourself. I’ve already made some arrangements for you.”

“Arrangements?” Yoichi always feels a step behind Sae. It’s like the latter is playing chess with every interaction. 

“I’ve called your boyfriend,” are the damning words that leave Sae’s mouth as he bustles to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. “He should be here any second now.”

Yoichi takes a while to comprehend the words coming out of Sae’s mouth. The word boyfriend isn’t so much foreign as it is something he’s banished from his mind; it lives as an outlaw, waiting at the gates of Yoichi’s head to be let back in but he has to stand strong and solid otherwise the floodgates will open and he’ll end up back in a loop. Rationally, this has to be a dream. Or a nightmare, depending on perspective. Yoichi feels his heartbeat quicken— maybe he’s misunderstood the situation, maybe Sae is joking. Maybe Sae and Kaiser are in on the same joke and they’re expecting Yoichi to laugh like he finds this entertaining. He doesn’t. But it makes sense that Rin’s brother doesn’t know what’s been happening while he was gone; Rin, after all, is not a big sharer. 

“Boyfriend?” He’s got to say something, Sae has to understand he’s made a big mistake. “No, I don’t—”

The doorbell rings. 

Yoichi, still half-asleep, barely registers what that means for him before he sees Kaiser standing at the door.

His heart aches.

It’s been 27 days since he’s seen Kaiser in person. His back is ramrod straight and his shoulders look uncomfortably drawn back like he’s fighting the instinct to slouch and curl in on himself. Yoichi wants to look away, but he can’t. He’s retained the ability to read all the intimate details in Kaiser’s body language and the familiarity of being in his presence is sending an itch to his fingers and up his forearm. He wants to close the distance between them and stroke the length of Kaiser’s neck, he wants to knead his shoulders so that they relax and press a kiss to the small of his back to soften his stance. It’s me, he wants to say. Why are you on guard? 

But there’s a horrible feeling bubbling up in Yoichi’s chest where he realises that he can’t — it’s not his position to soothe Kaiser and play with the ends of his hair and thumb across the crown tattoo on the back of his hand. He gave up those privileges; he’s not allowed to cross that boundary. 

Kaiser is just as pretty as the day they properly met, but there are circles around his eyes, his complexion is terribly pale and he mirrors the look of misery that Yoichi has been wearing himself. 

There are a hundred things Yoichi wants to say. He doesn’t say any of it. 

“Hi,” Yoichi whispers, his heart in his throat. 

Kaiser’s smile is so very soft. “Hi.”

They’re both rooted to the spot, and Yoichi is looking at Kaiser like he’s a ghostly apparition. Something from his wildest dreams and deepest fantasies. He’s out of his depth. There has never been such a deep chasm of unspoken things between the two of them. 

Yoichi feels an urge to make Kaiser tell him about everything that’s happened since the last time they saw each other. It feels like he’s an amnesiac — like Kaiser has been by his side for these past three weeks but his brain has forcefully rubbed these events clean, leaving a hole in his memory. He feels violated like he’s been robbed of something precious.

“Well, this is atrociously awkward,” Sae announces. His eyes are trained on Kaiser as he walks past them, gaze assessing. “I’m going to my room.” There’s something meaningful in his tone that Yoichi would normally pick up on, but his attention is elsewhere and his fatigue, combined with his consternation, makes him feel like he’s wading through honey. He barely registers Sae’s footsteps fading up the stairs; Kaiser and Yoichi are still stuck staring at each other. 

Kaiser sways forward like he’s about to take a step towards Yoichi but ultimately decides against it. Three weeks ago, Yoichi would have laughed if someone had suggested there would be this hesitation, this tension hanging in the air like a thick miasma between the two of them.  

It turns out that everything is less funny in hindsight. 

Kaiser clears his throat. “I’ll walk you home.”

“Thanks,” Yoichi says faintly. 

When they step out of the house, Yoichi almost slips his hand into Kaiser’s. It stops his heart. The ease at which he had fallen into step next to him, the naturalness in which Kaiser had slipped around him to walk closer to the road (like he always did), the intimacy in the way Yoichi has to tilt his head up in that exact angle to look at Kaiser makes it feel like no time has passed whatsoever. But time did march on without them. Without waiting for them to reconcile. And nearly a month had passed in agony for them both. 

The silence isn’t uncomfortable, but it’s ridden with forgotten promises. Kaiser breaks it first. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” The lilt in his voice is so musical, so homey. It feels like the coming of spring. 

A lot of things threaten to spill out of Yoichi’s mouth at that moment. Forgiveness, apologies, love (so much love) but he holds himself back. He can barely walk straight — now is certainly not the time for any proper conversation to happen. He feels intoxicated, but he hasn’t touched a single drink. 

So he settles for the truth, however short and unfulfilling it may be. 

“Me too, Michael. Me too.” 

The walk isn’t long but it’s the cold of the night that bites into the apples of Yoichi’s cheeks, making him shiver. He cups his hands towards his face and attempts to warm them up with his breath, but it only succeeds in crystallising his fingertips. 

A warmth blankets his shoulders and Yoichi looks up to see Kaiser settling his massively long woollen coat — that probably costs an arm and a leg — over him. Kaiser is wearing a short sleeved t-shirt underneath because he clearly has a death wish (never underestimate the month of January!) and wants to contract hypothermia. 

Yoichi makes a noise of protest and tries to shrug the jacket off, but Kaiser is already slipping Yoichi’s arms through the sleeves and buttoning the whole length of the coat up to his neck. He’s not drunk, but he’s tired and exhausted and opening his mouth to argue about something as tedious as a winter coat seems very far away. He does want to argue because he cares about Kaiser’s poor arms, but also he feels toasty and tingly as he absorbs the remnants of Kaiser’s heat. He feels so safe, so cared for, that it’s hard to not collapse into Kaiser’s arms like there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. He wants a hug, and he’s about to demand to be carried home—  

His fatigue is making him delirious. 

He should say something. Yoichi opens his mouth to point out the goosebumps he can see on the Kaiser’s arms but he gets interrupted before he can say anything. 

“I’m okay,” Kaiser insists, “my blood runs hot.” 

“I know.” Yoichi’s voice sounds very tinny in his own ears. 

The rest of the walk is short and they don’t talk until reaching Yoichi’s door. 

I miss you I miss you I miss you 

“Goodnight,” Yoichi whispers instead, coughing into his fist. 

It’s too dark to distinguish any of Kaiser’s features except for his eyes— they shine like a beacon, forcing Yoichi to look into them. “I’ll see you around,” Kaiser says but his voice is lost in the wind and he’s stepping away before Yoichi can call for him back. 

Yoichi wakes up with a mission. He’s spent the last month sitting in his depression room feeling very sullen, and frankly — there’s no other way to say this — he’s been down in the dumps. Today, he’s going to show everyone just how healed he is since the entire breakup debacle. 

He feels like he’s hit a milestone. He saw Kaiser yesterday and he didn’t even break down— no tears were shed! He also didn’t throw himself at Kaiser like some hapless maiden. He thinks he deserves a prize for staying so strong. 

There’s only one thing on his mind today. To say thank you to Kaiser for walking him home and lending him his coat. He hopes that Kaiser will let him keep the jacket (it has gold plated buttons) as a final souvenir of sorts, but he’s afraid he’ll sound desperate and suspicious (he’s the former, not the latter). Anyway, Yoichi's manners were drilled into him from a young age and it’s the least he can possibly do. 

He knocks on Kaiser’s door which wrenches open so quickly that Yoichi suspects he was spotted from the window before his arrival. Kaiser is standing there, his eyes blown wide with surprise, clearly just finished with a shower. His hair is dripping wet onto a bathrobe, a towel rests around his shoulders and— and his glasses are perched on his nose.

Fuck. 

Yoichi starts crying. 

Kaiser rushes towards him, gently placing a hand behind his back to bring him into the house. “Yoichi, what’s the matter?” This makes him cry harder, tears rolling down his face uncontrollably. “Talk to me.” 

“Where did we go wrong?” His voice cracks.

“I don’t know,” Kaiser murmurs as he sets Yoichi down on the chair. His vision blurs. There’s a warm mug of water being pressed into his hands. Kaiser takes such good care of him— he always has. 

Yoichi brings the mug to his lips and drinks. The water tastes salty from his tears. “I miss you.” Kaiser's eyes widen and the perfect painted veneer he had assembled across his face collapses and he looks at Yoichi brokenly. Yoichi presses on, “I want you, I will never stop wanting you.”

He blinks — breathes — and Kaiser’s arms are around him, his face pressed against the crook of Yoichi’s neck. They’re both shaking, and Yoichi isn’t sure who’s breathing harder. The little puffs of air expelling from Kaiser’s nose warm up the expanse of his neck; this is the heat he craves. 

“I miss us…”  Yoichi hiccups, squeezing his arms around Kaiser so tightly he’s sure that his circulation is at risk. “Come back to me.”

Yoichi’s heart isn’t made of marzipan, he cannot reshape it however he pleases. But Kaiser has the power to staunch the internal bleeding and to stitch the skin protecting it back together. 

Kaiser strokes his hair. “I never left.”

And finally, Yoichi’s heart heals. 

It’s been a while so they touch each other frantically, trying to make up for lost time. Kaiser touches Yoichi like he is made of glass — like he’s the blue rose in a room full of red ones — with such worship and devotion that tears slip from his eyes again. Yoichi’s eyes are already swollen, and he feels so overstimulated, with every inch of his body responding to Kaiser’s touch like a flower blooming in the sun. He cries out when Kaiser catches his bottom lip in his teeth and the latter pulls back, thumbing over the bite with infinite tenderness. 

“Is this too much?” Kaiser asks, concern dripping from his voice. 

Yoichi shakes his head, arms pressing him closer so that their noses touch. “No. Never,” he breathes, running his hands up and down Kaiser’s spine. “For this, I would come undone.” 

Kaiser exhales, bending his arms and letting his weight sprawl against his boyfriend’s stomach. He presses a feathery kiss to Yoichi’s sternum. “I love you.”

Yoichi’s hands move up Kaiser’s body and interlace in his hair. “I love you,” he says, and it’s a relief to be able to say it again. To be allowed to say it again without feeling guilty, remorseful or desperate. “I love you,” he repeats, because he needs Kaiser to know, to never doubt the strength and constancy of his feelings. “I love you,” he reiterates for the third time, giddy. 

Kaiser draws himself up and captures Yoichi’s lips with his own. They’re not so much kissing as they are trying to mould their bodies together in a frenetic attempt to feel closer. And when Yoichi sees tears pooling onto Kaiser’s eyelashes, he catches them with his knuckles and whispers I love you again and again until it resonates with the beat of their hearts. 

The daylight wanes, the night passes and a sunrise heralding a new day waves in greeting when Yoichi rests a hand on Kaiser’s chest to still him. 

“I want to kiss you senseless,” Yoichi clarifies at the disappointed frown adorning Kaiser’s face. “But I also want to say now that I’m sorry for hurting you.” 

Kaiser sits up, cracking his neck as he leans against his arm. “No, I’m sorry for being a jealous bitch all the time. I’m sort of an asshole,” he flashes Yoichi a criminally attractive smile, “if you hadn’t noticed.” 

“Not to me you’re not,” Yoichi murmurs, affectionately tracing Kaiser’s collarbones.

“That’s because the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you’d give me so much shit for it,” Kaiser teases, “but also because I looked in your eyes and it turned me into a tongue-tied fool.”

“I need to write this down,” Yoichi says. “Michael Kaiser admits that he’s been in love with me since day one,” he mimes the motion of scribbling in a diary. Yoichi coos, “Did you have a crush on me too?”

Kaiser’s grin is feral. “Does it count as a crush if I got you into bed with me a week after we met?” 

Yoichi flushes darkly, untangling their bodies so that he can grab a pillow and wack Kaiser repeatedly with it. 

They’re both huffing when Kaiser interjects, his eyes serious. “I can’t do perfection. I get jealous easily and I say awful things all the time—” He interlaces their fingers together, “but I’ll try my best to rein it in and to understand where you’re coming from.”

Yoichi shakes his head. “I snap back too, and I give you a hard time when I know you always want the best for me.” He pauses to hold Kaiser’s gaze. “But I would go through all the arguments in the world if it still meant you stayed.” 

Kaiser smiles and Yoichi’s heart swells. He feels happy, happier than he’s felt in a while. There’s nobody that can bring a smile to his face in the same way. There’s a change that had been wrought in his genetic makeup since their first meeting three years ago, and now Kaiser has become a cornucopia that feeds Yoichi joy. And it's endless. He needs Kaiser in his life like he needs oxygen; it’s easier to breathe by his side. 

So what if they yell and scream at each other? They’ve promised to grow and adapt and to be the best possible versions of themselves. It’ll be hard but Yoichi and Kaiser have always been able to endure for the sake of the other. And that feels like enough. They'll make sure it's enough. 

“I think ten is a nice round number to stop at, don't you?” Yoichi says, sitting up so that he’s straddling Kaiser. 

“I agree,” Kaiser kisses the palm of Yoichi’s hand. “Anymore and people will think we’re crazy.” 

Yoichi shakes his head, amused. “People already think that.” He plays with the ends of Kaiser’s hair, where the blond turns blue, wrapping it around his fingers playfully. He missed this stupid hair and his stupid tattoos and his stupidly pretty face. 

“Yoichi,” Kaiser exhales, and it feels like coming home.