Chapter Text
Dazai was beginning to grow worried
Usually, he couldn’t give less then two shits where the miserable slug could be at any given moment. Though, currently, it had been three weeks since dazai seen him. As much as he hated to admit it, he was concerned.
He’d already texted chuuya probably around 13 times, embarrassing, trust me he’s aware. The other had replied to, NONE of the messages, of course, making dazais worry get even deeper.
No matter how much dazai had tried to bury the feeling deep in his gut, it kept just getting worse, like a scalding knife slowly twisting deeper into his stomach.
Begrudgingly, he had asked mori about it. As a last resort, of course, he would never see the man on his own accord. Honestly though, at that point he was beginning to believe chuuya may be dead, or kidnapped.
Mori had simply given him that ugly Cheshire smile and grinned, saying something along the lines of “oh don’t worry too much dear dazai, he’s taken a mandated leave, you do nothing but complain about mr.nakahara, im sure this is nice for the both of you” and dazai had rolled his eyes, feigning indifference, claiming he was just getting bored without someone to annoy.
But it wasn’t true, at this point, he decided what he needed to do.
He needed to go see the boy himself.
//~~~~—~~~~\\
“Bitchass slug, open the door, I know you’re in there!”
Dazai had yelled, banging on the front door and screaming like an idiot, but whatever, he didn’t care how much of a fool he probably appeared to be in the moment. He’d been out here for 20 minutes at this point, he wasn’t gonna give up now.
Not to mention, it was also cold as FUCK out here! There was at least 2 inches of snow coating the ground, and it felt like dazai was gonna freeze to death pretty soon.
Chuuya just needed to come open the stupid door, so that he could know that the boy wasn’t dead.
He suddenly imagined coming in and seeing chuuya laying in his bath tub, wrists slit and bleeding out, the water still warm and his body still slightly colorful, but his pulse gone, dazai just being a few minutes too late to save him.
It made him feel cold to the bone, like his heart had stopped even at the thought of it, then he shook his head and decided it was stupid. Chuuya was not dead.
Dazai attempted the take the scene out of his mind, banging on the door again just to fall forward right into chuuya as he swings it open, dazais hands landing right into the other boys chest.
It takes them both a second to process, just squished together in a weird hug until chuuya pushes him off.
“Woah, get offa me you mackerel” chuuya grunts out, stepping back and letting dazai step away.
Dazai spills out an awkward apology and stares at the ground in the doorframe, not wantning to make the situation any stranger. He feels a warmth starting to grow in his chest.
The tallers eyes wander towards chuuya after a few more seconds, finally peeking at the other, and to be frank, he looked like hell.
Chuuya seemed to have not slept in days, wearing a sweaty, dirty, blue sweatshirt, with a strange leather-jacket overtop, grey sweatpants, and pink fuzzy socks. He had greasy hair tied back in a make-shift pony tail (not really, his hair not being long enough) and a bandage on the side his neck.
“Why are you here?” Chuuya sighs, staring at dazai with his eyebrows raised in annoyance.
“I- uhm” dazai stutters out, not having a stupid remark, because honestly, the only reason he could give was the truth. That he was worried.
Chuuya just lets out an even bigger, more obnoxious sigh, then pulls dazai in by the collar and shuts the door behind him.
“It’s cold…just, come talk to me on the couch, I guess” he says slowly, and dazai just nods his head in agreement
Dazai knows where to go, having been here before in the past when chuuyas been injured. He grabs his arm and leads them to the living space, sitting down and pulling the ginger down with him.
They just sit like that for a while, dazai wants to say about 1000 different things but they all seem to not be quite right, chuuya just sits beside him and stares at the tv, playing some stupid cartoon. He’s definitely not paying attention, just needs something to put his focus on.
Eventually though, chuuya speaks up .
“Did boss not tell you…? Im taking a leave for a while” chuuya says slowly, almost robot-like.
“Yeah and i don’t believe his bullshit, something’s…wrong, with you that is, I wanted to…make sure you were okay” dazai finally chokes out after a while, while it should’ve hurt his pride, he had accepted chuuya was not okay at the moment, so it really didn’t matter what was normally acceptable to say around him.
Chuuya stays silent after that for a increasingly concerning time, yet again just staring at the tv, occasionally reaching up to scratch the bandage at his neck.
“This is the yearly anniversary of all my friends…deaths” he finally says, his voice quivers like he’s about to cry.
Dazai is in shock in the moment, when he normally thinks of chuuya…his mind supplies an almost stone-like statue of strength and…humanity. It sounds stupid, but to him, chuuya was the most human thing he’d ever met. He was lively and angry, and unlike every other person he’d ever met….he treated dazai like a normal teenage boy, he wasn’t afraid of dazai like everyone else was.
To see him like this, exhausted and fragile, it felt weird. Dazai had a strange pull in his chest to reach over and hug him.
“What happened to your neck?” He asks instead of doing something stupid like that, looking at the bloody bandage.
“I scratched myself real bad…just, it gets too much sometimes” chuuya says with a groan.
Dazai hums, either agreeing or understanding, chuuya wasn’t sure which.
“Could you let me check it out?” He asks, leaning forward to look at chuuyas face
The other boy doesn’t respond, just makes a sound of compliance and let’s dazai grab his arm and take him to the bathroom
There’s a sort of intimate peace that is exchanged as dazai removes the bandage, and begins to disinfect the scratch, it looked like a deep cut with red irritation around it, probably from further scratching
“Can you shower?” Dazai asks after, staring at chuuya in the eyes, and suddenly the warmth in his chest is back, even more so this time. He decides right then he’s going to help chuuya feel better, no matter how long it may take
Chuuya simply nods, and dazai smiles at him softly, the ginger was never gonna let him forget this once it was over, dazai inwardly sighed
“Okay, I’m gonna bring you a towel and some new clothes so let me know once your in there and the curtains closed alright?” He instructed, chuuya just nods again, looking at the ground
Dazai runs off to the laundry room, grabs a soft grey towel that he knows chuuya will like (he doesn’t like the normal rougher towels texture) and then goes to chuuyas room and gets a red sweatshirt as well as a pair of black sweats. He walks back, hearing the sound of the shower water.
“Are you in there yet?” Dazai yells out, knocking on the door of the bathroom.
“Yes, come in” chuuya speaks back faintly from behind the layers between them.
So he enters, setting the towel and clothes onto the counter beside the sink.
“Okay, you take your time…I’ll be out here when your done” dazai says, then walks out again, shutting the door behind him.
His mind starts buzzing again with thoughts, he can’t believe chuuya is being so…vulnerable around him, usually he would rather die than have dazai bandage him and bring him a towel, but he supposed it made sense. Chuuya wasn’t himself, he needed someone, and dazai wasn’t going to leave him to rot…he’d been left to rot his whole life, he knew how it felt .
He decided the next course of action was probably food, chuuya most likely hadn’t been eaten in a while, and while dazai wasn’t the best cook…he could do some easy stuff, so with that he walked to the kitchen and began to make dumplings.
//~~~~—~~~~\\
45 minutes later, chuuya walked out with clean hair, a clean outfit, and smelling a shit ton better. He had been on autopilot the past few weeks, just barely keeping himself alive, so dazai forcing him to get up and take care of himself had definitely helped.
He did feel very pathetic for this, like a little baby who needs his fucking mom to get him to shower. It was gross and unnerving, he’d been all by himself his whole life, having someone care felt…weird, unnatural, but at the same time, he couldn’t help but to crave the affection.
He first smelled the food, then noticed dazai was in the kitchen making him…dumplings? He had half expected the other to just dip after, even if he had said he was going to stay, but cooking for him? He yet again felt that gut wrenching pitiful emotion in his gut, letting dazai do things for him healed his inner self, but was slowly tearing apart his current person.
“Oh, chibi! Your finally done…I uh- I got hungry so I figured I could make us some food…not that it’s a big deal or anything” dazai speaks, stuttering over his words and serving the food into bowls for the both of them.
Chuuya just sits at the kitchen table, he feels slightly better eating now, knowing dazai only cooked because he was hungry himself.
“Thanks dude” he says once dazai sets the bowls down and sits across from him, they start to eat, both quite slowly. Chuuya noticed dazai had never been much of an eater…barely consuming enough to keep him alive, maybe he was just doing this to make chuuya feel better…nonetheless, it was nice…
No more words were exchanged as the meal went on, they just ate, then took the plates to the sink, and sat back onto the couch.
Dazai turned on a random movie, probably fight club? He wasn’t really paying attention.
Chuuyas belly was full, and he was clean. He felt tremendously better than he had the past 3 weeks, but still felt on the verge of tears. How weak he was, a little bitch if you asked him.
“If you want to tell me about it, I’d like to listen” dazai says suddenly “I know what’s going on, but, it can still feel better to let it out.”
Chuuya stays still for a while after that, until his body starts to give out, his eyes start to leak tears, his face scrunches up, his throat feels like there’s a huge lump inside, and eventually he’s full on crying.
“I- I just…its so stupid…it happened a while ago, I shouldn’t even get like this anymore…but I still fuckin do” he spits out, body still racking with sobs, it felt unnatural, he’d never been this vulnerable with anyone
Dazai doesn’t say anything for a moment, and chuuya thinks he may have fucked up, until he speaks.
“Can I…can I hug you?” Dazai asks slowly, the words feel strange coming out of his mouth, he’d never wanted to hug anyone but here he was, craving it, and wanting to give it to chuuya.
Chuuya, still crying like a pathetic whiny dog, whispers out a “yes, please” and suddenly dazais warm embrace is around him.
“There’s nothing wrong, or pathetic with you, chuuya” dazai whispers into his ear, it sounds like how chocolate tastes, a reassuring and melancholy sensation.
They both feel a strange warm in their chests in that moment, dazai holds the back of chuuyas head and begin to stroke his hair, and chuuya only starts to cry harder, hiccuping and sobbing all over dazais jacket.
This lasts for god knows how long, just laying there on the couch together, like it was only them in the whole world, together, like interlocked pieces of a puzzle.
Eventually, it seems they both doze off together, the emotional exhaustion getting to them, they hug in their sleep, like two small kittens, a bit of warmth in the cold of each others lives.
//~~~~—~~~~\\
Dazai wakes up the next morning and immediately feels something’s wrong in his gut, other than the fact he awoke curled up next to his so called “enemy” and couldn’t get rid of the strange ache in his gut, he looked out the window to see nothing but white, white, snow.
They’re fucked.
Dazai shakes chuuya gently, trying to stay nice, recalling the events of the day before.
“hey, dude, wake up, cmon chuuya you gotta see this it’s not good.”
“Hm? Whats wrong you shithead?” Chuuya asks with a yawn, sitting up beside dazai and rubbing his eyes.
“We’re snowed in, like, fully” dazai says with a groan, signaling towards the window and sighing.
“Your fucking with me!” chuuya yells, shooting up and immediately running to try and push open the door.
“Doesn’t matter how hard you push…we’re stuck” dazai says without a trace of emotion in his voice, clearly still miffed though.
Chuuya simply groans and kicks the door in defiance, then walks back and plops himself onto the couch next to dazai.
“Well…your stuck here then, you can have the couch, I guess” chuuya offers as if he’s annoyed, but dazai hears something more than that…yet he can’t quite place it.
They sit like that for a little longer, dazai half expects chuuya to stay like that for hours, probably sinking right back into his depressive episode, before the other boy asks him something surprising.
“Would you…like to play Mario kart?” Chuuya asks , making dazai raise his eyebrows in surprise, and his face get warmer
Dazai then just grins, remembering the many wins he’d taken at the arcade in their times together.
“I’m gonna beat your ass, slug” dazai announces matter-of-factually, standing up to set up the switch he sees sitting on the coffee table in front of them.
It takes some trial and error, but eventually they connect the switch to the TV and begin to play. It’s what you’d expect, dazai winning almost every round by multiple laps, chuuya yelling insults at him and claiming he “must be cheating! Your controller is faster than mine!” but then, weirdly enough, he finds himself letting chuuya win a few as well. Perhaps he’s still just wanting to make the other feel better, but…why?
Dazai had never cared this much about another person, a year ago, if you told him he’d be letting someone else win in order to let them feel better…he’d have laughed in your face, tell you something emo like “I’d never get close enough to someone to care.”
Yet here he is
“Take that you stupid mackerel! I win!” Chuuya yells out exitedly, and dazai is yet again in awe, just looking at chuuyas alive face yet again makes his chest ache …but this time it’s not in a way that makes him want to rip his insides out.
It feels warmly and gooey…if he were able to feel emotion, he’d probably describe it to be love.
But that’s nonsense.
So he just rolls his eyes and conjures up another insult.
“Whatever, asshole.”
They spend the next few hours playing an array of different games that chuuya owned, and eventually switching to watching a few episodes of breaking bad before their stomachs begin growling.
Chuuya grins at dazai as he lets out another loud grumble, then stands up from his place on the couch and announces it’s time for food.
“Food? Are you sure we can’t just rot here for a little longer” dazai sighs in defeat, his head resting on his cushions arm rest, curled up like a corpse.
“Yes, you fucking weirdo, usually when your hungry…you eat” chuuya says with a fake shocked reaction, then he does something that yet again surprises dazai. He grabs the sides of dazais waist and hoists him up, throwing him over his shoulder and walking to the kitchen, giggling at how dazai squirms and attempts to get away .
Dazai has butterfly’s swarming in his chest the whole time, but yet again excuses it as just not being used to being touched
Stupid chibi, being so strong and picking him up unannounced…what a jerk
Eventually, chuuya does set him down, only after laughing a bit longer about how pathetic dazai was
“Okay, okay, sorry” he says with a wheeze, still cracking himself up
“Ugh, your so mature, stupid ginger” dazai reprimands, crossing his arms and looking away, he’s not that upset…honestly, if it makes chuuya feel better, dazais fine with anything
He was alive for chuuya, anyway
“Says you, emo ass” chuuya replies, still grinning as he takes out ingredients from the fridge
“What are you making, anyway?” Dazai asks, he was very picky, if it wasn’t one of the 4 foods he eats…dazai was gonna go lay back down on the couch
“Crab fried rice…without the mushroom” chuuya replies sheepishly, starting up the pan and pouring some old rice from a chinese restaurant onto it
Dazai is shocked, chuuya had not only remembered that his favorite food…but also that he doesn’t like mushrooms, it feels strange to realize chuuya truly perceives him every day, and not only that but notes things about dazai
Almost…intimate
He shakes the thought from his head stupid stupid stupid
“Well? Are you gonna come help me out not?” Chuuya asks, eyebrows raised as he signals towards the eggs
Dazai just playfully grins and begin cracking some eggs into a bowl, then whisking them until a smooth yellow mixture
He watches in awe as chuuya does something as simple as to stir the rice around with a wooden spatula, adding soy sauce, Siracha, curry powder, thyme, and pepper, then grabbing the cutting board he had used and throwing carrots, onion, peas, and corn along with it. He then waits until it simmers a bit, putting the top on, before talking it back off the add some shredded crab legs into the mix
Dazai looks at chuuya the whole time like a toddler looks at the world for the first time, he stares at chuuyas hands as they work, the way his body moves, the small blinks of his eyelashes…everything is just so human, so domestic, so beautiful
“You done with this eggs yet? cus I need them right about now!” Chuuya yells, and dazai immediately walks over to the stove where chuuya is, handing him the bowl of whisked eggs
“Thanks, you can do something useful every so often, I guess” chuuya says with a laugh, dazai kicks him in the back of the knees for that one and chuckles as he falls forward slightly
“Maybe if chibi wasn’t so short…I wouldn’t be able to kick his knees” dazai says devilishly
“Oh fuck off” chuuya responds, sighing in annoyance, but still finding himself smiling…dazai simply coming to his house and helping slightly had made him feel better than he had in…years, he guessed. Honestly, just being dazais partner made his stomach get warm and exited to be around him, he wondered why. Dazai wasn’t someone he could imagine himself being friends with…no matter feeling something…deeper for, it was interesting
Chuuya then adds the eggs onto the left side of the pan, letting them cook for a little before combining them into the fried rice, and mixing it all together, finishing with garlic salt and onion powder
Dazai was sat back at the kitchen table eagerly, he was eating his favorite meal, a warm one at that, with no mushrooms in it
He was actually looking forward to food…something he thought couldn’t happen in a million years
Perhaps, it wasn’t the food itself…maybe it was chuuya
His thoughts are yet again interrupted as chuuya walks in with two large servings of crab fried rice, putting one in front of dazai and sitting across from him again at the small, discolored, green kitchen table with three chairs at it, one of them mostly broken and unable to be sat in
It felt like a children’s book, them sitting together like an old married couple, snowed into the cold house, eating a meal they prepared together
Dazai actually compliments the food, he grins as chuuyas face heats up and spews something like “well, yknow…it was easy”
For the first time since he was probably 5 years old, dazai feels an indescribable warmth in his whole body, the constant thoughts of pain and death in his mind are silenced, his arms stop stinging, he just…feels…
Dazai realizes something right then he should have seen months before this, all the butterfly’s and aches in his gut had not been for no reason
Dazai osamu, demon prodigy, self proclaimed non-human, incapable of love….was in love….with chuuya nakahara
//~~~~—~~~~\\
They spend the rest of the evening together, sitting on the couch and watching different movies, dazai claims he’s never seen “The Perks of being a Wallflower” and chuuya shouts that he must watch it, and he’s right, dazai loved it.
Then dazai says he needs to get even and forces chuuya to watch “The Lorax” with him, saying he probably knows the fellow ginger man. Dazaiegets a slap across the back of the head for that, which was probably deserved
Chuuya can feel himself falling tired at around 12:30, and tells dazai he’s going to turn in for the night, getting up and shutting himself back into his bedroom
Dazai agrees, but as soon as chuuya leaves it’s like the cold comes rushing back to him…the fuzzy feeling in his body is gone and dazai finds himself curled up on the couch, binder still on, in smelly clothes and a thin blanket
20 minutes later, just as dazai is considering simply killing himself right then and there…the heating shuts off in the living room, he can immediately feel that the vent stops producing warmth, and soon enough the whole rest of the house seems to shut off
Getting up silently, dazai scurries over to chuuyas room, silently opening the door to find that the heat is still working in this room
Not wanting to wake the other up, dazai attempts to quietly change out of his binder, deciding he’ll just sleep on the floor and explain what happened the next morning when chuuya sits up slowly, turning on his side lamp and looking at dazai, shirt off, only in his small white black binder and sweatpants, frozen in fear
Dazai had not yet come out. This is awful. What if chuuya hates him. Nonononono he’s just finally found a reason to live, this can’t behappeningthiscantbehappeningthiscantbehappebingnonnonononononono
Before he even sees chuuya get up, hes already being embraced by him. chuuya just hugs dazai like the small damaged child he is, rubbing circles into his back and repeating the same phrase “it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay” they stay like that for a while, dazai had not even realized he was crying until after he had stopped
Eventually, he comes back to reality and chuuya pulls away, looking at him with a small smile
“Y-you don’t mind, right?” Dazai says weakly, he hated himself for this, he wanted to stay strong, to depend on nobody, to not care about what chuuya thought in the first place….but he couldn’t
Chuuya seems as if he’s about to say something, but instead he simply walks to his closet, and pulls out a similar piece of cloth, the only difference is it being in white, and perhaps a different brand
But there it is, a binder. Chuuya was the same as him, he had finally met another trans person
“Your…also trans?” Dazai finally says after a millennium, smiling right back at chuuya softly
“Yes…I find it comforting your the same” chuuya says with a confident grin
“Oh, why are you in here in the first place? I don’t exactly mind…Is there something wrong with the couch?” Chuuya asks, putting the binder back and turning around to face dazai again
“Oh, right, the heating shut off everywhere but in here…I was just gonna sleep on the floor” dazai replies, scratching his side and yawning
Chuuya pales in a realization, before slapping himself in the face dramatically and groaning
“Im a total ass, sorry, I forgot the heating does that whenever it snows too much, it gets so cold that it overworks itself into not working” chuuya explains with a sigh
Dazai simply chuckles back
“It’s okay jerk, you just owe me now” dazai says with a light tone, obviously not actually that mad
“Okay well, get that binder off, god knows how long you’ve had it on…and you can borrow some of my clothes, no offense, you stink. Shower tomorrow…and to make it up to you, we can share my bed tonight, it’s a queen anyhow” chuuya lists, grabbing dazai some new clothes and facing away from him
Dazai agrees, then begins changing as he sees chuuya turn around, taking off the old stinky clothes, as well as his binder, and putting on chuuyas soft sweatpants and t-shirt
Once dazais changed, they get into chuuyas bed together, facing away from one another as they both fall asleep, the warmth of one another radiating off and
helping let them drift into a peaceful night
//—~~~~—\\