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Chapter Text

When Cheng Xiaoshi used to live in this apartment by himself, he didn’t cook nearly as much. Sure he would do so sometimes, but it always seemed a little lonely eating by himself. He’d eat prepped food, order in, or Qiao Ling would bring him leftovers. He’d always get by, never did he find as much joy in it as he did today.

Nowadays he found himself in grocery aisles turning vegetables in his hands. He’s inspecting as if he ever cared how ripe an avocado was before.

I need to be able to use this tomorrow… Here he was pondering recipes Lu Guang might find enjoyable, and thinking of meals during the week. Subtracting how much money he has left of the budget Lu Guang had given him. 

After he spent their funds recklessly one week, Lu Guang decided he’d take care of it. Cheng Xiaoshi hardly protested. He didn’t want to be in more debt than he already was. At the time he didn’t think much of it, but having to ask Lu Guang how much money he could reasonably spend at the grocery store did make him feel a bit like…

“So domestic Cheng Xiaoshi,” He nearly jumped in surprise. Qiao Ling was leaning over the counter, eyeing him with barely-contained amusement. He didn’t hear the doorbell ring at all. Which didn’t mean it hadn’t, it meant he was so focused on what he was doing. He did get like that occasionally, tuning everything else out, singularly focused on a single task. 

She looked at him and Cheng Xiaoshi could practically read her thoughts like they were painted on the air in front of him. 

Meal prepping? Really?! Since when!

Right now he was labeling the containers with permanent marker on a post-it. It’s good for the next three days. If he was only one person, it’d be good for six, but he never did this when it was just one person anyway. 

“It just makes things easier,” He comments, trying to downplay how much he’s actually worked today. First it was shopping, then putting everything away, cutting, chopping, cooking, tasting, storing, and now labeling. 

Lu Guang was smart and not irresponsible, but sometimes he spent too much of his energy thinking of something else or putting off doing actually important things like eating. So he figured he would make things easier by making meals that his roommate could easily heat up with minimal effort. 

This was the way he showed he appreciated Lu Guang, and although they disagreed sometimes, he really wouldn’t want anyone else to be with him.

That sounded so…

“Right. If you cared so much about making things easier for yourself maybe you’d listen to Lu Guang a little bit more.” She says, pushing herself off the counter now, to inspect the glass containers. 

“Smells good,” She notes, and adds half-jokingly, or maybe it wasn’t jokingly, “Mind if I take one for quality control?” 

“Yes.” He says, a bit too strongly to come off as completely unserious.

“So defensive,” Now she cares way less about eating Cheng Xiaoshi’s food and more about why he suddenly decided to act like he liked eating the same thing for six days in a row. “No way you’re eating all this by yourself right? Even if it’ll take you a week, you hate even ordering from the same place twice in two weeks.” 

“Because I don’t want the restaurants to think I never cook!” 

“They don’t care! They’re just happy to have customers.”

“You don’t get it,” He shakes his head, unwilling to explain further. Whatever his explanation, it was stupid she decides.

“And for your information, half of it is for Lu Guang. So I only have to eat the same thing for three days.”

Which was enough of a sacrifice, he could definitely stomach it.

He finds himself explaining further, unprompted, “Lu Guang just hasn’t been having the best week lately. I don’t know what it is, and he’s not telling me. So I figured I’d make it easier for him and just…”

“…Why are you looking at me like that?!”

“Nothing! Nothing!” She waves off, this smile across her face was unreadable to him.

“What!” He pushes, finally getting all his containers in the fridge, putting the pot into the sink. 

“Qiao Ling, are you making fun of me right now? I’m just trying to be useful.”

“I know I know, and I’m not making fun of you Cheng Xiaoshi. I promise.”

He isn’t sure if he believes her. But she can make fun of him all she wanted, they were more than best friends at this point. She was practically his sister.

“Here,” He says, handing her one of his meal prepped goods. “I don’t actually mind.”

She smiles even harder, “Thank you Xiaoshi!! Lu Guang is lucky to have you. See you both tomorrow if you’re up for another case.”

“Yeah—“ Before he can even really start his sentence, she’s out the door. Presumably before he can change his mind about giving her his food. He shakes his head, wondering what goes through her head sometimes.

After cleaning up the kitchen to nearly Lu Guang’s impossible standard, he goes upstairs. He was going to ask if Lu Guang was hungry, and see what his roommates’ up to.

When he left this morning for grocery shopping, Lu Guang had been pouring over some documents very intently, and answered Cheng Xiaoshi’s questions with limited reaction or thinking. Like it was automatic. It made him want to bother Lu Guang to just look at him, but he decided against it. After the years, Lu Guang’s language became easy to read and right now Cheng Xiaoshi got the hint he was anxious or stressed. So maybe he needed some time to himself.

Thus he wound up meal prepping, and keeping some distance between himself and Lu Guang but now…it’s been hours and his roommate still hasn’t come downstairs, or even bothered to eat anything all day. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little bit worried. 

If it was work that was stressing him out, he could communicate with him. If it was personal, then why not tell him? They’ve known each other for a long time now what made Lu Guang want to keep things from him? 

He opens the door, making his presence known with loud steps and slowly opening the door. Lu Guang is in the same exact spot Cheng Xiaoshi had left him. Just now there were documents piled neatly on their coffee table, and Lu Guang was resting, head craned back against the armrest of their sofa. 

I don’t typically see him fall asleep on the couch, he must have been exhausted. 

Cheng Xiaoshi can't bring himself to wake Lu Guang despite knowing he must be hungry. So he sits down on the same couch, wondering if he’ll get up now that it’s evident he’s not alone in the room.

He watches the rise and fall of his chest, and he takes in the way the fading sunlight hits his face and neck. He’s always in a plain t-shirt…he thinks absentmindedly, as his eyes finally move away from his sleeping friend. 

On the coffee table were likely the documents Lu Guang had been so focused on earlier. 

Something in him desired to take a look. Would that be wrong? If it was work related, he had a right to know didn’t he? 

The folder was unlabeled, and really anything could be in there. Wouldn’t that also mean this could be a violation of privacy? 

Lu Guang still seemed to be sleeping, and Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t like this feeling of not knowing what had his friend looking like that. It only took a minute but the desire to know won out, and his hand reached toward the folder slowly.

But it seemed Lu Guang wasn’t in nearly as deep a sleep as Cheng Xiaoshi thought he was, because before he can even get the folder open, a hand grabbed his wrist with a forceful tug.

“I wouldn’t advise you to do that Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang says, ever the leader, the guide. “I was just about to get rid of it anyway.”

He stands up, Cheng Xiaoshi can still feel where Lu Guang had grabbed him. It sent a shock up his body, likely due to surprise. He really thought Lu Guang had been deeply asleep. He should have known, Lu Guang was the lightest sleeper he knew.

“What is it? Why can’t I see it?”

“It doesn’t matter, it’s just another unsolvable case.”

“Well if it’s unsolvable, why can’t I know what it was?”

That seems to make him pause for a moment. Cheng Xiaoshi thinks he’s got him, and Lu Guang was going to hand it over. But looking directly in his eyes, Lu Guang takes the folder turning it in his hands, ripping it across the middle. 

“You always think there’s a way when there isn’t,” Lu Guang lectures, “I promise you there was no way I was going to let you take this case.”

Let me? 

God he was so—!!

Anger rises in him, and it slowly but surely dissipates upon seeing his partner’s expression. More than anything Lu Guang looked so so tired. It was hard to feel angry with an expression like that facing him. 

Cheng Xiaoshi sighs. He knew Lu Guang meant the best, he knew his judgment was usually correct, but sometimes he felt slightly controlling.

Like he needed to do it his way and there were no other solutions. Cheng Xiaoshi wanted to show him that there were other ways to do things. You could take a break, you didn’t have to worry so much. Things didn’t have to be meticulous, and they could be spontaneous sometimes too. 

Finally he just goes out and asks.

“What’s been bothering you lately Lu Guang?”

Lu Guang’s eyes widen in surprise. As if Cheng Xiaoshi wouldn’t notice this whole time. He shakes his head as if it’s nothing consequential.

“Nothing’s been bothering me,” He starts, but he knew Cheng Xiaoshi wouldn’t accept that answer. Not really. So he says only half-truths, “I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

“You never sleep well.”

“Neither do you,” He says dryly. 

But their reasons were totally different. Supposedly, anyway. It’s not like they talked about the why of things.

He remembers seeing scattered photos on the desk. They were too far away for Cheng Xiaoshi to discern them before, and Lu Guang had shuffled them under a book when he thought he’d come to close, it was a minute movement, so simple and done so automatically Cheng Xiaoshi had hardly noticed until the thought came to him right now.

“Have you been looking into photos a lot? You know just because you can look into a photo multiple times doesn’t mean you should, and I can help you know even if I don’t dive in, you can tell me things—“

“That’s not it Cheng Xiaoshi don’t get ahead of yourself.” Lu Guang answered, but he didn’t know if he believed him. Something in his gut told him he was right but he knew he was going to deny it anyway. 

Lu Guang…so worried about how I would take things and not even looking at yourself.

It would be funny if it weren’t so sad and irritating. Pushing aside his own feelings about it for now, he stands up abruptly pulling Lu Guang by his forearm.

The ripped documents fall to the floor, and Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t care so much about it now. He has a singular priority.

“What are you doing?” Lu Guang asks but doesn’t protest, as Cheng Xiaoshi drags him away.

“I made food and you’re eating it with me, come on.”

The soft subtle smile would have been neutral to anyone else, but Cheng Xiaoshi knows it’s there, and knows he’s happy he cooked for him.

It makes him happy to know Lu Guang enjoys his cooking, and it makes him happy to be able to cook for him. Something about it warmed his soul like food itself never could.

“Okay,” He says it like he’s placating him, but Lu Guang let’s himself be led gladly wherever Cheng Xiaoshi will take him.

Chapter Text

While Cheng Xiaoshi seemed to have a natural affinity for cooking, Lu Guang was not the most adventurous eater. He much preferred sticking to the same things he knew he liked, ordering from the same restaurants, and buying the same type of instant ramen. Whereas Cheng Xiaoshi was much more the opposite. But where the two met evenly was when Cheng Xiaoshi made food for him.

Lu Guang was taught to be polite, but he didn’t need to pretend he liked his roommates' food. He actually did and had yet to have something made by Cheng Xiaoshi that he didn’t enjoy. 

What his roommate kept from Lu Guang was that he did not have a natural affinity for cooking at all. He always practiced by himself, he watched videos, read cookbooks, blogs, and always always taste-tested before even daring to place a plate in front of anyone but himself. 

He’d much rather have them believe he was a natural than have them know just how much effort he put into it, and just how much time he spent doing everything. Qiao Ling and Xu Shanshan would make fun of him so hard. 

It was always “Pick on Cheng Xiaoshi,” when they were together. With Lu Guang being his only defendant when he deemed it unfair. Though really, Lu Guang thought he could handle the teasing. He could, he just didn’t want to give them any more reasons than they had already.

Though Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t want Lu Guang to know how much time and effort he put into his cooking, Lu Guang wasn’t blind nor unobservant so he found out quickly and never commented on it. 

It was endearing how much he wanted his friends to like his creations and Lu Guang would absolutely help if Cheng Xiaoshi so desired it. 

He found it…oddly uncharacteristic Cheng Xiaoshi put so much effort into this. Not that he didn’t put effort into things, it’s just that he was selective in what he chose to exert energy on, and cooking…just didn’t seem like it. Sometimes it was hard enough to get him to exert energy into anything at all. Which was fine, Lu Guang didn’t mind cleaning up the kitchen after him, or even doing his laundry from time to time because he understood the way his partner’s brain worked. 

It wasn’t that he was deliberately hoping Lu Guang would do those things for him if he neglected them. He just forgot sometimes, and Lu Guang didn’t mind picking up the slack. Cheng Xiaoshi usually had a lot on his mind. Which was completely understandable given his role in their work.

At the table, he watches as Lu Guang takes the first bite before indulging in it himself, and it makes his stomach slightly flutter at this gesture. It’s a little bit intimate to him, and he pushes that thought away.

Lu Guang reminded himself that Cheng Xiaoshi just liked to cook, all the effort he put into it surely wasn’t for him specifically. Even the mere thought of that was arrogant and misleading. He didn’t seem to cook for the praise he received, more so that see people eat what he made. To see they enjoyed his cooking.

Lu Guang didn’t realize just how hungry he was until he was finished. It occurs to him that he didn’t eat for an entire day, maybe more. When he took the first bite it was like his stomach needed to remember that it needed sustenance before he felt like a starved animal. 

“Thank you,” Lu Guang says, when he’s finished, he’s incredibly grateful his roommate bothered to cook for him, and considering how delicious it was, he’d like another serving. 

“No need to thank me Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi says, entirely faking aloofness, inside he’s beaming probably with how Lu Guang enjoyed his food, “Maybe instead of working yourself half to death, you’ll tell me what’s bothering you and how I can help.”

Lu Guang’s expression is usually straight-faced, but at Cheng Xiaoshi’s words, he seemed only slightly shocked. For all Lu Guang knew about him, Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t completely oblivious to Lu Guang in turn. He was also attentive in his own way, in tune to his partner’s emotions. 

Something was on his mind.

Lu Guang was back to his normal expression in an instant. 

“There isn’t anything bothering me, Cheng Xiaoshi.”

It’s the second time he’s said this, and Cheng Xiaoshi finds him still not believing. He just wished Lu Guang would let him share the burden of what was on his mind. He eyed Lu Guang curiously, trying to find a tell, but he lets it go. Taking his plate along with his partner’s to the sink. 

“I’ll clean up,” Lu Guang places a hand over his, and Cheng Xiaoshi looks up at him gratefully, but insists he do it considering Lu Guang looks like he hasn’t slept at all last night.

He would be correct in saying so. Lu Guang agrees but goes upstairs knowing that he likely won’t get rest today either.

What was up with him? Why is it that I find it so easy to open up to him, yet he doesn’t?

“Lu Guang?” Cheng Xiaoshi had finished with the kitchen and was heading up the stairs, the window was open and there was a light breeze coming into their shared room.

Lu Guang was in the shower, he usually liked to shower before bed. Cheng Xiaoshi got the feeling it let him decompress before sleeping. (Or attempting to) He waited, on the couch and thought about their previous dives. 

Cheng Xiaoshi has lived many lives for a short time. He knew what it felt like to hate, to feel shame, to be so angry that it engulfed your entire being, and to love someone with your entire heart too.

Sometimes strong emotions seemed to elude him, the feelings of despair from his childhood had long since left him but not entirely, leaving him feeling a slightly empty sort of. A sort of anxiety at the state of his relationships never ceased, he knew these issues must stem from that trauma of being left. But it was hard to know it still affected him after so much time. He knew his parents weren’t coming back, and he was always afraid of that being the case for Lu Guang. That one day he’d decide to leave.

Lu Guang didn’t have to stay, he had no obligation to do so. He said they were partners and he would stay as long as he could, but if Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t…support Lu Guang in the way he needed then, would he find someone else? Would he leave eventually? 

Cheng Xiaoshi would have to let him go, he knew that. But it was hard to even think about a scenario where Lu Guang wouldn’t be here right beside him. 

Lu Guang was his compass to guide the way, he knew he would have messed up so much more if not for him. That was certain, so what more could he do for him? He owed Lu Guang so much…sometimes he was upset with him but Lu Guang never did anything with bad intentions. 

Cheng Xiaoshi knew these feelings were not just friendship after a long time. It was a gradual realization and when he had come to, he knew he couldn’t ever say it. He would keep it to himself, and pretend like he didn’t know he was in love with his best friend.

He would do anything he could to support him and try his best not to stray from the path Lu Guang guided him on.

“Cheng Xiaoshi?” Lu Guang calls, finding him on the couch. His white hair was still wet, and his eyes looked so tired. 

Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart ached. 

“Please Lu Guang,” He says softly, “Why are you so closed off from me?”

“What do I need to do?” 

Lu Guang doesn’t answer and doesn’t move forward for a moment. There is a towel around his neck protecting his shirt from the moisture. He looks at Cheng Xiaoshi, and the other man can’t place the feeling that rises in him. Or maybe he’s choosing not to know.

“There’s nothing you need to do, Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang says as he sits down. Cheng Xiaoshi thinks Lu Guang will deny him an explanation again, in some way he does. 

“You carry enough burdens on your own. This is mine.”

“You listen to me constantly. You help when…” When I can’t sleep, you’re there for me, and you hold me and I know we haven’t said it aloud but without you I think—

“You’re there for me. Why won’t you let me do the same?” 

I try to make things easier for you. I do but you only let me do so much.

“Are you pushing me away?”

“No,” Lu Guang says, knowing what this was getting to. “I would never leave you. I wouldn’t think of it.”

“Okay.” Cheng Xiaoshi answers, “But will you ever…tell me what’s on your mind?”

To that, Lu Guang doesn’t respond.

“I wish you wouldn’t worry about me so much.” He says quietly instead after a moment. “There’s enough…on your mind.”

“You make it seem like your problems are not important. They are! You matter to me, I don’t care if you think knowing will burden me more, but it won’t. If it’s for you I can do anything.” 

I can be anyone, I can be whatever you want me to be if it means you will stay. If you will open up to me.

I love you Lu Guang. 

That feeling, he’s felt before in another’s body, this indignance, this anger this frustration at someone you love being so stubborn was now him. He felt it entirely in the way Lu Guang was acting. He wished he could just—he wished he could make Lu Guang see how much he cares. 

“I can too.” Lu Guang says expressly meaning it. “I will do anything for you as well.”

“Which means, I’ll get some rest, and you will too.”

Lu Guang says, beginning to stand. He looks at Cheng Xiaoshi, some part of it meaning some sort of finality. Some boundary being drawn up between them, and he feels constricted but also forced to move with the current Lu Guang provided.

“Please,” Lu Guang asks softly, and Cheng Xiaoshi gets up, and heads to bed, just as Lu Guang wanted him to.

It didn’t mean he slept very well though. He was also aware, that Lu Guang did not sleep very well either. He got out of bed at 2am to make himself a cup of tea, while Cheng Xiaoshi pretended to be asleep.

One day, Cheng Xiaoshi thinks, One day he will tell me everything. 

But that day is not today.