Work Text:
Of Valentine's Chocolate & Stupid Bets
“Senpai, I love you! Please, go out with me!” The girl said, head bowed deeply and brown hair bobbing at the motion.
Dazai could see her biting her lip, frame lightly trembling, nervous. Which was weird for her, the most popular girl in their school, with so many admirers almost constantly around her, Dazai was surprised she had even managed to sneak away for her confession.
He got closer and touched her elbows, gently lifting her up, smiled and looked at her with tenderness. Her eyes sparkled, hope clearly blossoming in her judging by the rosy colour of her cheeks and a little turn of her lips.
“I'm sorry, Kano-chan,” he said. The girl's eyes instantly started to shine. “But my heart is already taken by someone else.”
“Who is she?” she asked, voice cracking, tears streaming down her cheeks. My, thought Dazai, her feelings for him must've been really, really intense. She moved and leaned into him, forcing Dazai to take a half a step back, the pinch of her mouth stubborn. “Who is the girl you love, senpai? Who? She can't be more beautiful than me! And I'm going to make you a bento every day! Would she?!”
Dazai blinked, a little taken aback, then smiled.
“I'm sorry,” he repeated. “You're lovely, and beautiful, but no one can compare to my love. To my sweet, sweet and only Lady Death...”
“... And then she stared at me for a a few seconds, slapped me hard and stalked off like I had just asked her for a double-suicide.” Dazai, sitting on the floor between their desks, took a long gulp of his pink soda and twisted his nose. “Girls, really.”
“Well, did you? Ask her for a double-suicide?”
“Nope.” Ango stared at him with a deeply sceptic arch of his eyebrows. “... Not yet. She left before I could.”
“Good for her,” he said, turning his attention back to his book. “She has more brains than I thought, if she didn't let you spew more idiocy before coming to her senses.”
“Rude. Odasaku, Ango is being mean!”
Odasaku didn't even raise his eyes from his curry.
“Well, he does have a point though, doesn't he?”
Dazai loudly gasped, hand going to his chest.
“The betrayal, Odasaku. The. Betrayal.”
“It's still true,” Ango doubled-down.
“Okay, look-”
“Move away.” It hadn't been neither Ango nor Odasaku to speak, so he decided to ignore it. Then, the owner of the very miffed voice tched and kicked his leg. “Oi! I told you to move away! You're blocking the passage.”
Dazai blinked, and turned towards the other, meeting with two very annoyed blue eyes and a mouth turned in a twist.
“Do you mind? We're talking here.”
“Talk somewhere you're not bothering people, then.”
“I'm sorry, is this the only way for you to get to your desk? I don't think so. Just go around us.”
“My spot is literally on your other side. Move.”
“Eh, Odasaku, Ango, can you hear it too? A little fairy is trying to order me around~”
“Listen, you freak-”
“Let's us just- calm down, okay?” Odasaku chimed in, hands raised in a placating gesture. Chuuya still glared at Dazai like he was scum, but didn't say anything more. Dazai just stuck his tongue out at him.
“Good. Now, Dazai, you are in the way. And Kunikida-sensei is going to be here soon, so...”
“Betrayal! For a second time in less than five minutes, too! Odasaku, how could you?”
“Oh, for fuck's-” losing the last of his patience (which, with him being a little slug, really wasn't that much to begin with), Chuuya opted to just prompt his hands on the two desks Dazai was sat in-between and just hop over him. Automatically, he raised his hand, clutched the Chibi's blazer and pulled at it hard, making the other lose balance and sending him crashing into his lap.
“What the hell?!”
“That was so, so rude, Chibi. Shame. I get you are understandably jealous of my success with our lovely classmates, but it's not a good reason to be mean to me.”
“Jealous? Of what? You getting slapped?”
Scrunching up his nose, Dazai pinched the other's cheek, making him yelp.
“Tch, what an insolent chihuahua. I really should've put more time into your training.”
“I swear to fuck I'm going to end you-”
“Do that on your own time, please.” Kunikida-sensei entered the classroom and sighed, already massaging his temples, probably trying to ward off a headache. Somehow, he seemed to have had many since he had started teaching their class. “Now go to your seats and be quiet.”
Getting untangled took a second, and Chuuya moved to his desk in front of Dazai's, muttering and cursing under his breath. He just sniggered in response, and sat down ignoring Kunikida-sensei's glare.
When the man was well into his lecture about cotangents and secants, he leaned over his desk.
“You know you're jealous, Chibi~” he whispered in the other's ear. Chuuya's back stiffened slightly. He took a deep breath and tched.
“You wish, idiot.”
“I know so, hatrack.”
“Leave my hats alone, asshole.”
“Wanna bet?”
“Ah?”
“Valentine's is just around the corner. Who gets the most chocolates, wins.”
“And why would I bet on something so stupid?”
“Why? Scared?”
Chuuya immediately turned towards him, fire blazing in his eyes.
“Who do you think you're talking to, shithead! Oi!”
“Nakahara-kun! Language!”
Chuuya grimaced and blushed, bowing his head in apology to their teacher. Kunikida-sensei scoffed and took up his lesson to where he had left it at. Unseen, Dazai smirked: so predictable, the Chibi. Rose to the bait straight away.
“Usual wage? Whoever loses, pays for dinner?” Chuuya nodded, stiffly. He could see him flexing his hands into fists repeatedly, like he was trying to keep himself from strangling Dazai in front of witnesses. Supporting his cheeks with his palms, his smile just grew. “Ah, I can't wait to beat the Chibi again.” Another twitch of the other's fingers. “Crab is always so much tastier when it's bought with his money~”
Snap.
The pencil in Chuuya's hand loudly broke in half.
“I'm going to fucking end you, I swear to fu-”
Dazai couldn't avoid a quiet chuckle at the way the slug went on and on about what he was going to do to him after school, his voice just low enough to not set off Kunikida-sensei on him again. It was all bark and no bite anyway.
He and Chuuya had known each other for over a decade, since Dazai had moved to Yokohama with his family, and had ended up in the house next to the Nakahara family's. A happy coincidence, in his parents' books, since they had a child their son's age.
Chuuya hadn't been of the same opinion.
The first time the two children had met, Dazai had looked fascinated at the Chibi's flaming red hair and instinctively went to touch it. Chuuya had actually bit him. Hard. Like an untrained dog.
His parents had been mortified. Dazai's had been a little alarmed, even more so when their son had not cried, nor complained, nor otherwise react a part from glaring at Chuuya. They had locked eyes, either of them too stubborn to break contact first until they had to be physically removed from one another.
It had been the start of their very complicated, very peculiar relationship.
Dazai would plaster himself over Chuuya's back constantly, steal his food, complain about his stylistic choices and spend all their waking (and sleeping) time with him after the car accident that had killed some of his closest friends, and that the Chibi had barely escaped himself. Chuuya, on the other end, would try to punch him in the face, push him away when he got too clingy, insult him and everything he held dear, make him at least a seafood bento a week, help him with his bandages and kick the ass of anybody that tried to mess with Dazai. Which had prompted him to announce to the world how good of a guard dog Chuuya was, and had gained him a kick that he had swiftly avoided, even if barely.
It was, in Odasaku's words, surely intense. Dazai always just smiled and changed the subject: his relationship with Chuuya was far too complicated, and different, and special to be discussed with people outside of it. They wouldn't really understand the way the two of the worked, never really grasp how deeply their bond had grown after that first, disastrous meeting. Yes, they tried to subtly maim the other on a daily basis, but it was always half-hearted and fun, and they always ended up spending the rest of their time in each other's rooms, eating and playing video games and falling asleep on the floor to be found the following morning by either set of parents. It was them, and Dazai would never actually say it, but he'd never change it for anything else.
Staring at Chuuya's nape when Kunikida-sensei called him up to answer a question, Dazai smiled.
Then he reached out and pulled at his hair, just to be a bother. Chuuya didn't even swatted him away.
Valentine's day rolled around, and Dazai opened his locker to find at least fifteen chocolate hearts stacked around his indoor shoes.
Not quite the typical anime scene where the guy gets drowned in presents the moment he opened it, but still a pretty good start. He picked them up, smirk already wide on his face, and brought them to his classroom, where he dumped them on Chuuya's desk.
“Ooops,” he sniggered. “Wrong one.”
To his internal disappointment, Chuuya merely glanced at the bounty and then went back to read his book.
“It's okay, it doesn't surprise me. I know you're stupid.”
“And yet, still popular, uh?”
Chuuya shrugged and turned the page.
“Peacocks often are. Still not the smartest of the bunch.”
“He said, to Japan' second top scorer of their year.”
“Exactly. Second top.” He turned another page and snorted. “I need to send Edogawa a year's worth of sweets for putting you in your place.”
Oh, that was low.
“Tch. I'm going to enjoy winning this so damn much.”
“Sure.”
And he did enjoy it. Every time a girl called on him to shyly offer him her love (and the chocolate that came with it), Dazai thanked her profusely and even avoided his usual talks about his heart only belonging to Madame Death. The pile on his desk (that he put away nicely every time a teacher entered the room, to avoid them getting confiscated and thus giving Chuuya a chance at winning) steadily grew over the morning, and peaked around lunch time.
So, everything should've been okay, right?
“You can't really be that surprised about it,” Ango commented, watching Dazai silently fuming in his chair when Chuuya got called out of their class for the umpteenth time of the day. He went, a little unwillingly but he still went, and Dazai seethed.
“Since when is Chuuya this popular?”
“Since he's incredibly good at sports and is part of the football, kendo and jujutsu teams?”
“How would that even be relevant?”
Odasaku shrugged and took a bite of his omelette.
“He has, like, a fan club, Dazai. Which has both female and male members across all school's years. How you didn't see this coming?”
Dazai had seen it coming. He had thought that Chuuya might receive chocolate from a few people, and maybe some of them would confess, but this. This was not it. This was insane.
“It's not fair. Really, really not fair. He is cheating.” He ground his teeth too hard, and saw Ango unpleasantly shivering at the sound. “Or people have to have lost their minds. How can they like a slug like that?”
“Well, he is attractive- I'm just saying!” Ango raised his hands in a placating way when Dazai shot him a poisonous glare. “If it bothers you so much, why don't you give him some?”
“Ah? Why would I?”
“Really? I mean, I know that your relationship has always been- complicated, let's say, but even you should realise that being this jealous-”
“Jealous? I'm not jealous! Why would you think-”
“- And possessive-”
“Ah?!”
“You've been committing to memory every single person that is approaching him today. You must know it's not- normal.”
“I'm just making sure to remember people who have no taste and braincells so I can avoid them. And look them up to make sure they're not criminals in disguise.”
“Dazai. The last time something like this happened, the guy that confessed to Chuuya had his grades mysteriously changed, and got kicked out for it. And we're all aware he barely knew how to change his Socials' passwords.”
“A criminal mastermind that fooled everybody.”
“Dazai-”
“I have nothing else to say on the matter.”
Ango hanged his head and didn't insist. Tch, like he would ever get Dazai to confess anything, ever. Not that he ever did anything wrong. Or shady. At all.
He watched Chuuya coming back, a box of chocolate and a tired look in his eyes, and scoffed.
Whatever Ango and Odasaku kept saying, he just didn't want to lose this.
The end of the day saw Dazai standing at the back of the school, the last of his admirers offering him a handmade chocolate heart. He took it, and smiled at her.
“Sorry, I can't go out with you. After your gift, I officially have a date with a seafood hotpot tonight!” She blinked at him, speechless. Dazai winked at her and left, leaving her confused and probably upset under the big oak tree, but eh. Whatever.
He skipped back to his class, were Chuuya was surely waiting for him, and quite literally waltzed in. Everybody had already left for the day, the room empty saved from a lonely figure reading his book next to the window, the setting sun bathing him with its red and orange light. He looked like a painting, the Chibi, almost too perfect in his stillness. Stopping at the door, Dazai felt his cheeks warming up, a knot forming in his throat at the sight.
Maybe he was allergic to slugs. That was probably it.
He took a deep breath, and entered.
“Forty-eight, Chibi,” he announced, slamming the last addition to his bounty. “Forty-eight lovely ladies have confessed or otherwise given me chocolate. I supposed we know who won.”
“Sure,” Chuuya answered, putting his book down. He was far too composed for Dazai's taste. As much as the other loved to call him a mackerel, Dazai was the one smelling something fishy now.
He watched as Chuuya lowered himself to rummage through his bag, then took out a bag full of colourful packets and boxes.
“Forty-nine, fucker,” he said and pushed the bag in his direction.
“What?!”
“You can count them.”
“How...?”
Chuuya shrugged, like it wasn't a big deal. And excuse me, thought Dazai, it definitely fucking was. How could there be almost fifty people at their school with the nerve to get a crush on him? That had followed him with their eyes, shamelessly staring at him during school hours – maybe even during class, right under Dazai's nose, how dare they-
The corner of a little box hit him straight in the forehead.
“Oi, stop thinking stupid shit. It's not like I've accepted any of their feelings.”
That wasn't as reassuring as he thought it was. Dazai had never even considered that was possible, what the hell-
Chuuya rolled his eyes and shook his head, muttering something about idiotic waste of bandages, and got up. He walked up to him, took a deep, resigned breath. He bent down to pick up the box and glared at him a little, one hand firmly on his hip.
“Seriously, stop it, you're being ridiculous. It's not like I asked them to confess.”
“Chibi is popular. Maybe he should go spend time with his admirers-”
“Oh, for fucks'- you're so stupid, I swear.”
“Well, I'm sorry. Maybe I don't deserve the Chibi's attention then-”
“Just- shut up. You're giving me a headache.”
Dazai surely wasn't going to. Before he could reply anything, though, Chuuya had shoved the chocolate back under his nose.
“Here. Now we're even.”
Dazai sniffed.
“I don't want Chibi' sloppy seconds, thank you.”
“Oh, for fucks'- it's not somebody else's, idiot. I made it.”
“Ah? For whom?”
“Who the fuck am I giving it to?!”
“But- why?”
“Why- why would anybody make fucking chocolate on Valentine's? Are you stupid?!”
Dazai blinked at the other, confused. There had to be a mistake. Surely, Chuuya didn't mean to say-
But his eyes were unwavering, his shoulders set, his back straight and his chin jut out like he was daring Dazai to laugh at him. There was a light blush on his cheeks, though, that betrayed a certain amount of embarrassment.
Slowly, Dazai took the box, simply decorated with a dark red ribbon over paper of a lighter shade. He looked at it like it held all the answer to all the questions he had ever had about anything in life, ever, then raised his eyes back to Chuuya. He was still blushing, way more than before, but his eyes had not moved from Dazai's face the entire time.
They had known each other for more than ten years, and this was not the first time he had seen the Chibi flustered, nor that Dazai's heart stuttered while looking at him. It was definitely the first time any of them had dared to do something about it, though.
Their relationship was a delicate balance, and this... This could make or break it. Made sense that the Chibi would be the one taking the chance. He had always been the braver one between them.
“So?” Chuuya asked. He could see his hands flexing in his pockets, the only sign that he might be unsure. Which was ridiculous for so many reasons, thought Dazai. What did he think he was going to say? “Thank you, but no, thank you”? Ridiculous.
“Why now?”
The slug shrugged.
“Seemed a good year to do it. I don't know. Didn't want to listen to you complain about losing for the next six months.” A pause. “Shut up!”
“... I didn't say any-”
“Just- shut up!”
Dazai sniggered at that: as much as he could be bold with his actions and words, he really hoped the Chibi would never stop getting embarrassed by romantic stuff. It was far too enjoyable for him to lose it.
Dazai's entire face distended in a grin.
“Eh, Chibi owes me so much crab now~”
“Ah?!”
He dangled Chuuya's chocolate in front of his face.
“Somebody gave me the last piece I needed~”
“That makes us even at best, asshole!”
“But Chuuya gave it to me. It makes its value at least double the others'~”
That seemed to take him aback.
“What-”
“Actually, Chuuya made it for me. Its value is off the charts. At the very minimum, I win for the next thousand years easy~”
“Stop spewing nonsense!”
“It's not! I'm being very objective here!”
“You're just trying to cheat your way out of paying for my dinner!”
“Maybe~” He bent down until they were almost nose to nose. Chuuya's glare was way less effective than he probably thought it was, with the way his entire face turned to tomato red. “Or maybe Chibi should just give up and fold, because I clearly win.”
“Ah? No you don't-”
The kiss Dazai planted on the corner of the other's mouth was barely a quick peck, but it was enough to make Chuuya's brain short-circuit. Dazai, feeling weirdly giggly, could not not laugh at the way his blue eyes' widened comically, and his mouth opened and closed a few times like a fish's.
It lasted only a few seconds, but Dazai loved every single one of them. Then Chuuya shook his head, grabbed his arm and started to pull him towards the door.
“Fine. You win. I'll pay. But you better have something amazing for me for White Day.”
“Ugh, already trying to mooch off me? We haven't even had dinner yet.”
“I'm not even going to acknowledge that.”
“Oi, my chocolates! Let me grab them first?”
“Ah?” Chuuya stopped and glared at him for real, this time. “Didn't you just keep spewing nonsense about how my chocolate is invaluable?”
“Well, yes, but-”
“And how the others are not worth shit?”
“It's just such a waste...”
“Just give them to your friends. Or, even better, give them back. That should send the right message.”
“... That would be cruel though, Chibi.”
“That has never stopped you for a second-”
“Are you giving back yours, too, then?”
“Why should I? You haven't gotten me shit-”
“Eeeeh, naughty dog. Don't you know chocolate is poisonous for you anyway?”
They kept bickering all the way to Dazai's favourite restaurant, where Chuuya dutifully paid for their dinner. Dazai didn't pay for shit, but he did very enthusiastically kiss him before they went back to their homes that night.
All in all, not a bad first date, if he said so himself.
(They did end up giving back the chocolates they had received from their admirers the day before. To the boys and girls that had to have their hearts broken a second time, they both said:
“I'm sorry, I can't keep this. My boyfriend is a jerk and super-possessive.”
Dazai didn't stop smiling the entire time, enjoying seeing the disappointment in his once rivals very, very much. Chuuya mostly scoffed, but Dazai didn't missed the hint of a grin on his face when they were done and everybody in their school knew for a fact they were actually together, now.
Such a silly, silly hatrack his Chibi was.)