Work Text:
Feng Xin always visits Xie Lian when he can.
He doesn’t really know what else to do. He doesn’t really think he belongs here with Hua Cheng constantly staring over his shoulder, but Xie Lian always tries to reassure him that Feng Xin will always have a place here.
He’s not so sure he does.
He believes His Highness, of course. But the place he wants to have in Xie Lian’s life is already full. So, what can he do? Xie Lian always asks for Feng Xin’s company. The old bodyguard falls into his old habits and will always comply regardless of how he himself feels about the matter.
He can be useful to His Highness so what’s the harm in letting himself steal quick glances when both Xie Lian and his husband aren’t looking.
He looks at how Xie Lian has changed.
Physically there is no difference than when His Highness ascended. But that’s not what Feng Xin looks for. Xie Lian’s face may look no different than the one Feng Xin fell in love with, but he might as well be a stranger to him in the way he carries himself.
Xie Lian is always sure of himself. That is still true to this day. But nowadays he acts on it less. He asks less of Feng Xin as well. And Feng Xin can’t tell if it’s because he trusts his bodyguard less or because the world has simply beaten Xie Lian into compliance.
Feng Xin wants to beat up the world for him.
But Xie Lian never commands him to, so instead he stays for tea. Because that’s all His Highness ever requests.
“How are things?” Xie Lian asks, formulaically.
“Okay. Nothing really new. Answering prayers. Containing spirits.” Ah yes, when there’s nothing else to talk about the conversation always boils down to the same fucking topic. Work. Feng Xin could kick himself.
“How’s that going?”
Feng Xin shrugs and looks away. “You know how it is. I don’t typically enjoy it.”
Xie Lian giggles. “The women of the southeast are relentless, I take it?”
Feng Xin blushes a deep crimson at the implication. That’s another thing he’s noticed about Xie Lian. He speaks more. Not in volume, not in words, but in the breadth of the topics he now dares to address.
But of course he can, Feng Xin, reminds himself. He isn’t a crown prince anymore. He can say what’s on his mind. But regardless, it still perplexes Feng Xin that the Xie Lian in front of him even acknowledges the subject of sex to anyone. And especially to Feng Xin himself.
“I’m sorry,” Xie Lian shrinks in on himself like the petals of a flower missing light from the sun. “I know that’s a touchy subject for you. I apologize for poking fun.”
“No, no. It’s okay. I’ve actually gotten better at dealing with them.”
“Oh have you?”
Somehow Feng Xin’s blush deepens but he manages to squeeze out a laugh before clarifying. “If I’m honest…”
“And you always are,” Xie Lian smiles.
They share a playful look. Feng Xin is aware of the redundancy of that comment. But Xie Lian can never help himself to remind him of the obvious.
Feng Xin continues, “I used to ignore a lot of them and dismiss the more…” his stomach lurches, “intimate…” he shoves it down, “parts of the prayer. Though, after so long I’ve learned that those requests are usually tied to another unspoken wish.” Feng Xin’s eyes dare to flicker back to Xie Lian’s face.
The prince seems to bloom under his gaze.
“But sometimes it’s just easier to pray for something as mindless as a fantasy.”
Surprisingly, Xie Lian simply and sincerely nods. “People never say exactly what they mean, do they?”
As always, Xie Lian has understood him exactly. “Not in my experience. No.” Feng Xin is definitely only talking about his believers. But the sensation of that statement leaving his mouth makes him think of someone else.
“That’s why it’s our job to discover their true wish. It’s an art. And not one I was ever very good at myself…” Xie Lian trails off with another laugh. This one is less sure of itself.
Feng Xin pauses for a moment. “Actually…”
Xie Lian’s brows draw together in interest.
“I’ve had a lot of alone time to think about my role as a god. And in that time, I realized,” Feng Xin’s eyes habitually hit the floor, “for me at least, it matters less how well we answer one prayer but more about how we learn to better answer all of them.”
Xie Lian remains still as he is. Likely contemplating his response.
Feng Xin realizes how uncharacteristic his own words are to him. So much has changed. And Xie Lian isn’t the only one.
The reality of it should make Feng Xin giddy with hope. Though in actuality, the realization sinks into his stomach like a rock.
Feng Xin shakes his head as if it would retract his statement, “Sorry, I just…” his unsure eyes flicker around the room, “I had a lot of time to think when I was looking for…” you, “looking for a purpose to all this.”
“I thought about that too.” Xie Lian fidgets with something under his sleeve.
“Regrets?”
Xie Lian shakes his head. “Not exactly. More like…” Xie Lian cuts himself off.
Feng Xin sees the shadow of the words Xie Lian wants to say in his eyes, in the way he stares over Feng Xin’s own shoulder with an endless gaze. But with one punctuated blink of Xie Lian’s golden eyes, the mystery dies before making its way past his tongue.
“Fleeting thoughts from a long time ago.” Xie Lian smiles and waves it down. “It’s really not worth your time.”
Feng Xin doesn’t dare push him.
The two sit in silence for a few beats.
Before he can give himself time to reconsider, Feng Xin follows the urge to ask a question. “Can you help me with something?” This is such a bad fucking idea why would the crown prince of… well, former crown prince of Xianle help me with anything?
Xie Lian’s face then lights up brighter than the sun and Feng Xin wonders why he hesitated in the first place. “Of course!” Xie Lian recognizes his awkward and sudden enthusiasm, but he doesn’t change his mind. “How can I be of assistance?”
Fuck it. Why not? Feng Xin continues his train of thought without looking back. “Since we are on the topic of prayers, there is actually one that I’m having trouble figuring out how to approach…”
“A rogue fetus spirit who may or may not be your son?” Xie Lian playfully interjects.
Feng Xin gives him a side-eye before his ensuing laughter chokes out his intended following words.
He tries not to notice how his own positive response makes Xie Lian relax and smile. Almost like they were two kids playing in the Xianle Royal Garden again. Like those 800 years never passed at all.
But they have. That time is gone. And so are those kids.
Time heals, but time also changes.
Feng Xin composes himself.
“That’s the thing, I’m not sure what it is. These prayers are coming from both common folk and practicing cultivators. From everyone. Usually something like this would be a widespread naturally occurring qi corruption that’s affecting local residents, but I surveyed the area. If anything, it’s an optimal place to go into seclusion. Theres even a mountain nearby with a network of caves that would be perfect to do so.”
Xie Lian puts a finger to his chin. “Sounds like you have something more powerful on your hands.”
“Exactly.” Feng Xin pauses. “Which is why I wanted to ask you to accompany me.”
“Me?”
“Of course, you. You’ve always been better at detecting danger than I have. And now that you have your own spiritual energy back, there is no one better to ask than you. I saw you fight without your spiritual energy.” Many memories flood Feng Xin’s mind, and he can’t help the ensuing smile spread across his face while deep in his reflection. “You are nothing shy of a force of nature with it.” Feng Xin’s reels himself back and pauses. “Although I know you have prayers of your own to answer. I understand if you don’t have the time.”
“Don’t discount yourself. I believe you would be able to handle this on your own. But,” Xie Lian smiles again, "I’d love to accompany you if you think you need the help.”
“Thank you, Your Highness, I really appreciate the martial support.”
“And also,” Xie Lian looks him up and down. “You underestimate your own abilities.”
Huh? “But, compared to you I’m…”
“I’m not comparing you to me because that would be unfair. I kicked your ass every time we used to spar.”
“How do you know I didn’t let you kick my ass?”
Xie Lian tilts his head and with upturned brows of doubt.
“Okay okay.” Feng Xin giggles and waves at the air. A poor bluff even for him.
They both laugh. It’s a familiar feeling. It’s nice.
“Feng Xin, what I’m saying is you’re a very capable god. Strong, loyal and unapologetic. You’ve grown a lot. And I’m proud of you.”
“Unnecessary words. I wanted to get better for you.”
The words leave Feng Xin’s mouth before he has the chance to stop them. Curse his old habit of being impulsive. Xie Lian really did draw the truth out of him in a way no one else could.
That’s one thing that had never changed.
“I see you never stopped trying.” Xie Lian utters.
Yeah. He never stopped looking for His Highness. Even if most people thought he did. Even if people thought ascending was his own wish.
Feng Xin didn’t have wishes. Not ones that were his own anyway. They were always Xie Lian’s.
He stopped that train of thought in his mind before it reminded him of the 800 years where he failed the one person he swore to protect.
“Here’s what I know…”
***
“You were right to ask for my help. This is a tricky one.”
Feng Xin had given Xie Lian the details of what he discovered as they made their way between the collection of villages at the foot of the mountain. All of the residents they spoke with told the same story.
Something is sucking the qi from the area.
***
Tracking the footprint of this unique spiritual energy lead them deep within the network of caves in the mountain. Both gods held a torch of light in their palms during their endless hours of investigating. Xie Lian had suggested to Feng Xin that they split up to cover more ground. Feng Xin, unsurprisingly, but adamantly, rejected the proposal. Xie Lian couldn’t blame him.
Suddenly Xie Lian’s torch extinguishes itself, as if he had run out of spiritual energy.
Feng Xin thinks nothing of it, about to offer his own to Xie Lian but his highness puts his hand out to block Feng Xin from advancing in the cave.
Then Feng Xin’s own torch dies in the same manner. “What the fuck?”
“Something is wrong.” Xie Lian’s voice is dark.
As soon as he speaks, the cave collapses.
***
Feng Xin is conscious the whole time. He is almost certain Xie Lian isn’t so lucky. He tries to re-light his torch, but to no avail.
Someone or something is blocking their ability to use their powers.
But more importantly, because of this, Xie Lian could be hurt. And he isn’t responding to Feng Xin’s calls.
For the first time in 800 years, Feng Xin is terrified. He’d been scared during that time, sure. But nothing like the level of fear that came from imagining losing Xie Lian…
…again.
He screams Xie Lian’s name over and over until his voice goes hoarse. An image of 800 years ago flashes before him when he returned to the cabin to find all but nothing.
Terror.
Just like right now.
Not knowing if his prince was still alive.
Yes, they are gods now, but no amount of time will overwrite Feng Xin’s impulse to protect Xie Lian. No event will either.
He continues to scream his name.
Feng Xin frantically digs at the rock and dust that has fallen around him. Thankfully he feels mostly uninjured aside from the feeling of fresh cuts and scrapes on his hands and face and multiple places where he knows his skin will bruise.
Eventually Feng Xin unearths a patch of what feels to be fabric and his breath stops. If Xie Lian asks why, he’d say it’s because of the dust.
Terror.
Xie Lian is, as expected, unconscious, but alive. Feng Xin can’t see in the darkness of the cave, but he can feel the ever so slow rise and fall of Xie Lian’s chest.
He feels around Xie Lian’s body for injury. If he had an open wound the blood would be pooling around him by now. It isn’t. So at least that’s one positive.
But Xie Lian is still unconscious. Which likely means either the bleeding is internal, or he was hit in the head.
Feng Xin supportively wraps his arms around Xie Lian’s body and cards his fingers through his hair. He gasps as his fingertips feel a thick wetness at the crown of his prince’s head.
Feng Xin hates how well he recognizes the texture and temperature of fresh blood on his hands.
Then suddenly Xie Lian grunts. And Feng Xin thinks he could cry.
“Your Highness!”
“hhhm?” The weak sound of confusion Xie Lian makes is incredibly broken.
“Your Highness! You need to stay awake!” Feng Xin grabs his face.
Xie Lian makes a sound of displeasure. “mmm… but m‘tired. Wanna go back to sleep.”
“I’m sorry, Your Highness, but you need to stay awake. I think you were hit in the head.”
“oh…” a labored breath. “‘xplains the headache.”
“Do you know who you are?”
A pause. “nnnope.”
Feng Xin feels his heart drop into his stomach.
“who am I, A-xinnnn?” Xie Lian’s voice drawls on the old nickname. It’s not a sincere question. Xie Lian is baiting him.
Feng Xin now knows absolutely that he’s concussed. “You tell me.”
“I’unno… don’t ‘member.”
“Your Highness?”
“whaaat, ‘m just playing ‘round… whats… wh…” Xie Lian has likely now opened his eyes at this moment based on his hesitation. “why can’t I see?”
“The cave collapsed. I think you may have hit your head. You were out for a few minutes.”
Xie Lian’s body immediately tenses up. “cave? we’re in a cave? what cave?”
Feng Xin knows Xie Lian’s panic better than anyone, though it had been a while. But the panic itself isn’t what worries Feng Xin. It’s that Xie Lian never seems to panic anymore.
“It’s ok, Your Highness, I’ll get us out of here, I promise.”
“nnno no, you… have to go…”
What…?
Xie Lian attempts to sit up and shrink away from Feng Xin, but with little success.
“the… the flowers… they’re mean… I… don’t have control… where… where’s my sword?” Xie Lian’s voice shakes.
“Flowers? Your Highness, what are you talking about?”
“no, don’t make me think of them!” Xie Lian grabs his head and shrinks himself into a ball. “I can’t stop myself around them.”
“Xie Lian!” Feng Xin’s voice is loud within this small pocket of earth.
They both still.
“I’m sorry, Your Highness. I didn’t mean to use your name, it’s improper, but please, breathe, it will be okay. There are no flowers. And I don’t think you should be handling a sword in your current condition.”
“A-xin… ‘ts not fair.”
“It’s for your own safety.”
“no, not the sword. I can’t see.”
That’s a problem. It’s possible Xie Lian had hit his head so hard that his eyesight was temporarily gone. But it’s hard to tell in the darkness. He himself also can’t see shit.
“Don’t worry, Your Highness, it’s just dark in the cave. I also can’t see anything, and I didn’t hit my head.”
“m’gonna have to spell it out for ya, aren’t I?”
“Your Highness?”
“ssstop saying that…”
Feng Xin’s heart sinks.
Xie Lian really is done with him, isn’t he. He finally realized how useless Feng Xin is, and still decided to give him another chance but Feng Xin had gone and fucked it up again. He’s useless. Absolutely fucking useless.
“I’m sorry. I know I don’t deserve to call you that anymore.”
“good… sounds wrong from your mouth… you swear too much.” Xie Lian weakly laughs.
Feng Xin knows it’s well within Xie Lian’s right to laugh at him.
“mmmn… nowwww say m’name again.”
“Huh?”
“my name… say it ‘gain… couldn’t see your face the first time… ‘n a damn shame too… wanna see your face when you say m’name.”
Fucking, what?
Xie Lian reaches out in the general direction of Feng Xin’s voice. “…m’not a crown prince anymore anyway… not proper for you to use that title.”
Bullshit. You’ll always be my prince.
“‘n now I don’t have t’worry about bein’ proper either.”
“You should be.” I want people to see you like how I see you. But I also want you to be mine.
“Nnno! …fffuck being proper.” Xie Lian giggles once again.
“Your Highness!!!”
“Ssssstop callingggg mmmme thaaattt! m’not above you… you’re ‘bove me… you’ve been a god for longer… ‘m no one’s prince… please don’t remind me of that.”
Feng Xin doesn’t want to forget, but he can do anything for Xie Lian if he is asked to.
“don’t remind me of how I sent you away… all I wanted was for you to stay… don’t remind me that the universe thinks my life is a cruel joke ‘n just takes all the things I love from me…” Xie Lian’s voice makes a crackling noise like he’s holding back a sob.
“once ‘pon a time I knew what I wanted… I knew who I wanted with me… but ‘pparently I don’t know ssshit about what I actually want ‘cause I can never fucking ask for it.”
Feng Xin doesn’t know where Xie Lian is going with this, but he inquires anyway. “Well, start by asking now.”
“…too late.”
“Really?” Feng Xin deadpans. “A ghost king that you met as a child 800 years ago becomes your husband and you still think there’s such a thing as too late? He’d do anything for you if you ask him.” Feng Xin feels himself being bold for no reason. “Hell, for the sake of argument let’s say he can’t, ask me and I’ll try my best to help you.”
In defeat, Xie Lian slumps back onto his old bodyguard. The one that swore himself to his prince 800 years ago. But that kingdom is gone and there is no need to call upon that prince or his bodyguard. That’s only one facet of what they are anyway.
Things have changed.
“Feng Xin?”
“Yes, your hi…”
“Nnnooo…”
“But you can’t see my face.”
“don’t care.”
“Yes? …Xie Lian?”
“…wwwill you stay?”
“Of course. I’m not going anywhere. We will get out of this cave.”
“not just this cave… will y’stay with me?”
“I learned my lesson.” The words feel bitter on Feng Xin’s tongue, but they need to be said. “I will never leave you again.” Feng Xin wraps his arms around Xie Lian and holds him in his lap. One hand supporting his head, the other around his knees.
Xie Lian slowly relaxes into him and nuzzles closer. Little by little. Until he rests his head on Feng Xin’s shoulder.
Feng Xin softly rests his chin on Xie Lian’s head.
Xie Lian makes a small sound of contentment in reply.
Feng Xin could cry. “How are you feeling now, y… Xie Lian?” He had meant in terms of Xie Lian’s head injury.
Xie Lian mhm-s into Feng Xin’s neck. “…never wanna leave you either.”
Maybe Feng Xin did also have a head injury.
“…love when you make m’feel safe… ‘til San Lang, I only ever felt safe ‘round you.”
Feng Xin hesitates at the implication. “Does that mean you spent 800 years never feeling safe?”
“stop thinkin’ so fast… y’do that too much.”
“So do you.”
“shut up… tryna make y’feel better.”
“You’re the injured one.”
“yyyou’re the one who won’t stop blamin ‘mself for something I told you to do… ‘n I feel safe now… can pretend the last 800 years never happened when you’re around.”
“But they did.”
“would it kill you t’pretend?”
“I can’t pretend. You’re real. So were those 800 years.”
“fine… start over… y’already promised to stay now so forget ‘bout it… we can spend the next 800 years together starting now.” Xie Lian hesitates a moment. “or…”
“Or?”
“d’you want to spend forever… with me?”
“I already told you I’ll never stop protecting you.”
“Feng Xin… I could drive ‘n ice pick through your skull ‘n I don’t think you’d quiiite get the point.”
There he is. The Xie Lian he knew and lo… The Xie Lian he knew. “Try me.”
Xie Lian groans to adjust himself, hoping the new position will allow him to reign in his messy speech. Feng Xin can tell he isn’t used to being so casual with him even if that’s all he can currently manage.
“That plan I had all those years ago? I wanted to ascend with you. I wanted you to be by my side. I wanted you. All of you. With me. Forever.”
“I’m here now.”
Xie Lian jabs him in the sternum. Hard.
What the fuck?
“And I’m there. Under the strong bones that protect your stupidly thick heart. Or at least that’s where I want to be. Because yes, you’re here with me,” Xie Lian rubs his forehead on the side of Feng Xin’s neck, but then feels around in the darkness to find Feng Xin’s calloused hand and places it upon his own chest. He presses it down to his own sternum hard. Hard enough that he knows Feng Xin will feel his heart pound under his hand, “but you’re also in here.”
Feng Xin was always a little thick in the head. This, however, is a bit hard to miss.
“You never left me. I don’t think you ever could. Not all of you anyway.” Xie Lian shudders. “No one can ever forcibly take you from me. Even if they tried to carve you out with a hundred blades.”
“Your Highness, please let me call you that, I’m s…”
“Don’t you dare apologize. That’s not what I want to hear right now. Right now, my head just hurts, my heart feels like it’s going to explode, and I just want to sit in your lap and feel safe.”
“Xie Lian.”
“Mhm? A-xin?”
Feng Xin kisses him on the forehead. A peck as light as the brush a lost feather. “If it was just up to me… I’d never want to move from this spot with you in my arms where I know I can keep you safe…” Then Feng Xin mutters, “…where I can keep you to myself.”
“Feng Xin, you have me. You always have.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“And I didn’t deserve most of those 800 years alone. No one deserves anything. But we can still want. And I want you. I want you to stay. Until the gods and heaven fade. When time comes to an end and the universe rekindles itself. Maybe even past then.”
“For eternity.” Feng Xin confirms.
***
Feng Xin’s last minute distress call into the array, with the last waning bit of his spiritual energy, is the reason they are rescued. He thanks Xie Lian’s ability to detect danger for that.
Feng Xin’s ego may take a hit from allowing the other god of the south to dispatch this “qi-consuming monster” as it was explained for him, and subsequently dig them out of the collapsed rubble of the cave, but he quickly disregards it as he is more relieved to have a way to get Xie Lian out and to safety.
He leaves Xie Lian in Hua Cheng’s care and then immediately decides, to, quoting the crimson ghost himself, “fuck off.”
He does not reach out to Xie Lian until he is called upon.
Feng Xin just trusts that he will be.
***
Feng Xin again stands at the door to Puqi shrine about to join Xie Lian for tea once again. It should’ve been easier to stand at the door given the thoughts the two of them had shared in such a vulnerable state. But the reality is anything but.
“A-xin, don’t bother knocking, I know you’re out there.”
Not like he was trying to keep his presence a secret anyway. Feng Xin opens the door.
“Your highn…”
“Ah- ah-.” Xie Lian waves a finger in the air at him.
Right. “Xie Lian.”
“Much better.” Xie Lian rewards him with a smile.
“You remembered?”
“Did you assume I wouldn’t?”
The smallest part of Feng Xin that’s terrified of change hopes all of it is just a dream. But most of him is simply relieved to know he does not need to have that conversation ever again.
Xie Lian looks at Feng Xin’s face like anyone would at a face you’ve known for 800 years. “I want to ask you properly, now that I’m healed.”
“Yes, Xie Lian?”
“As gods, a long eternity awaits both of us. I would like to spend some of it making up the years I missed with you. Will you allow me?”
Feng Xin sighs to calm himself before he speaks. “I’ve had 800 years without you to think. I don’t need 800 more.” Feng Xin reaches forward and grabs Xie Lian’s hand in the same manner as he did back in the cave. He places it over his equally pounding chest. “My heart is tough and stubborn. It’s tactless and coarse. But never once in 800 years have I ever been able to let you go.”
“Then don’t.”
“But I left you.”
“I told you to go.”
“But I didn’t protect you.”
“I’m stronger than you and even I couldn’t protect myself.”
“But Hua Cheng is better than me.”
Xie Lian slaps him just hard enough for it to sting. “Stop it. A-xin. Just stop. Don’t compare yourself to him. I’m not talking about San Lang right now. I’m talking about you.”
Feng Xin soothes the red mark of Xie Lian’s hand on his cheek with his hand. He admits he deserved that.
Xie Lian puts his hand over Feng Xin’s own. “You believed in me before he did. And I believed in you too. And I was right to. Because you came back. I knew you would. And here you are.” Xie Lian closes the distance between them.
Feng Xin allows him.
“I’m not out of reach. I’m right here. We are here together. And that makes me happy. Truly very happy. Almost like we’re 17 again.” Their faces draw closer together.
“You’re happy?”
“Right now? Yes. Are you?”
The word hesitates to fall from Feng Xin’s tongue, like a dew drop from a leaf into a pond at dawn. But once the word gathers enough to lose its grip, it falls. “Very.”
The pair kisses slowly, ripples of their breaths propagating outward, but the focus remaining on each other, where the dew drop and the pond become one. A small seemingly insignificant release of energy with an infinite amount of potential.
And Feng Xin, for the first time in 800 years, is happy.
Very.