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“…what?” Sungho muttered, his air almost leaving his lungs.
Leehan sighed as if he couldn’t bear to repeat it. The florist just hoped that he must’ve misheard what Leehan had announced to him.
“Let’s.. end it here,” Leehan hesitated, looking away, refusing to look at Sungho in the eye. His hand awkwardly rubbed the back of his nape, waiting for a reaction from Sungho.
Sungho fluttered his eyes in disbelief. The words echoed in his ears like a devil’s whisper. This cannot be real. He wants someone to tell him that this was a joke. A sick fucking joke.
“B-but.., why?” Sungho stammered, it was all too much to take in all at once. It’s not like he didn’t see this coming, but he rather hoped to the universe his suspicions were wrong.
Tears were threatening to spill from his eye socket, his lips trembled each time he took a breath in, and his heart clenched painfully each time he got a glimpse at Leehan.
It wasn’t the same Leehan that he saw at the flower shop. It wasn’t the same Leehan that braided his hair with so much care with a small smile of joy. His usual sparkly eyes were dimmed like the streetlight at night.
“Donghyun.. did you lose your feelings for me?”
Why? Why now?
It’s almost the end of the winter, just before the start of the blooming spring, where the both of them had their very first meeting…
“I don’t think I can love you anymore,” Leehan muttered out, almost too quiet to be heard.
As those words left Leehan’s lips, Sungho felt his heart pierced with something as sharp as a rose’s thorns. A familiar feeling when he wasn’t being attentive while handling the roses, but this thorn tore his heart instead of his skin.
“Why not? You’ve done it before, you’ve loved me before, why stop now?” His thoughts were flowing out, his speech was slightly rushed, and little sobs were trying to break out as he uttered those words.
“Did I… bore you?” Sungho faintly whispered, or his voice was just getting weak. He unconsciously shrank himself, hunching his broad shoulders as he tried to make himself as small as possible.
Somehow, it was unbearable to be standing before Leehan.
“No.. nothing of the sort. Just, I don’t think we could go further than this, you know?”
Further than this?
“What do you mean?”
“Meeting each other’s family, getting married, having a family, getting old together.., I don’t… I don’t think we could.. or should. We’re both men, it’ll be hard for both of us. I think... I don’t deserve to be the person you say vows with, ”
Oh
So that’s what causes it.
.
.
.
It was around a month ago, the both of them tangled together for each other’s body warmth in the comfort of Sungho’s small apartment, the sound of falling snow faintly playing in the background.
Leehan was snug inside Sungho’s chest as he listened to the florist’s steady heartbeat, and felt the slow rise of the chest as the florist breathed. His hands that were wrapped around the lithe waist were stroking Sungho’s back comfortably from time to time.
Sungho was scrolling through social media as he played with the brunette’s strands of hair. His page is filled with silly cat videos, reminding him of Simba, his orange cat. He tried to minimize his laughter so as to not interrupt the sleepy figure in his arms.
It was fine until he saw a video of a same-sex couple, travelling the world to get married legally. Sungho can’t help but imagine it as him and Leehan.
Both of them in a fancy pair of suits, holding a bouquet that would be arranged by Sungho himself, and the first kiss they would share as husbands.
Sungho couldn’t help but share this thought of his with Leehan, unaware that he’d regret it later in the near future.
“Donghyun-ah, are you asleep?” He whispered, careful not to wake Leehan up if the latter was indeed sleeping.
“Hm?” Leehan hummed in acknowledgment, the sound vibrating on Sungho’s chest. He brightened up upon hearing it.
“Do you want to hear my thoughts?” He said giddily, more than excited to let Leehan know about their possible future outcome.
Possible.
He could hear the other’s grin as Sungho could tell a smile formed on Leehan’s lips.
“Go on, lovely. I’m listening,” He said softly, the nickname always made Sungho melt inside.
“Have you ever thought of getting married? I know we’re both men, and marriage would be illegal here, but in some parts of the world, it is allowed. Seeing people like us traveling the world to get married was so endearing. Don’t you think so?” He expressed, excitement clear in his voice.
Sungho felt Leehan slightly tensed up, but he brushed it off as him imagining it. There was a long pause from Leehan before he answered.
“Yeah, that sounds nice... Hmm, I’m going to sleep,” Leehan slurred as his voice lowly vibrated, falling asleep.
“Sleep well, cutie,” Sungho cooed, continuing to play with the brunette’s hair to lull him to sleep.
As the time went by, sleep consumed the both of them. Except, one of them wasn’t actually sleeping.
Leehan was up, thinking about what Sungho had said over and over again.
Ever since then, Leehan has grown distant.
The text replies were gradually getting ignored, when he would finally send a text, it would be followed by a sorry and that he was busy.
He quit his job at the flower shop, said that he finally found a part-time job that was more convenient for him.
Leehan rarely hangs out at Sungho’s apartment anymore, and when he did, his stuff is slowly disappearing. His clothes, toothbrush, perfume, and his random stuff that always scattered around the apartment.
Sungho was concerned, his head was filled with negative thoughts. But he chose to ignore them. He loves Leehan, and Leehan loves him too, if something was bothering Leehan, he would eventually tell him, right?
He just hoped that it was not the last thing he imagined it to be.
Well, the present said otherwise.
.
.
Small sobs and sniffles fill the silence, Leehan is still looking down while Sungho is trying to hold eye contact.
“But.., you said we’d love each other in every universe..,” He whispered between broken sobs.
“I said that?”
Sungho breath hitches, and he felt anger slowly building up inside, like a pre-eruption volcano. This is the first time he ever felt pure anger towards Leehan, his lover.
He tried to hold it in, he really did, but it was starting to flow out.
“You came to me first… why are you the one leaving?”
One, two…
“..I’m sorry,”
Three.
“Is that the only thing you can say to me? You’re sorry? YOU’RE SORRY?! Are you actually sorry, Kim Leehan? ,” He voiced out his anger as his entire body shook. His speech was said with a rushed and cracked voice from holding back cries.
Leehan winced from the outburst, but it went unnoticed by the older. He had never seen Sungho this angry before.
Strings of tears were falling, wetting Sungho’s red cheeks. His nails were digging into his skin as he painfully fisted his hands.
“I don’t deserve you, you’re an angel, and I’m sorry, I really am. Please, take care of yourself,” Leehan spared a glance at Sungho, who at any second would break down sobbing uncontrollably.
He couldn’t bear to watch this any longer, so he bowed for one last time, and took his leave, leaving Sungho, all alone.
As the door slammed closed, Sungho fell to his knees, broken sobs were filling his entire apartment. He curled up into a ball, hugging himself as he dug his nails into his shoulders.
Hurts. His heart hurts, so much. He didn’t know breakups would be this painful.
Then, he felt a fluff of a ball rubbed up against his legs. His wailing came to a stop, for now, he peeped up to see Simba, reaching out his little paws in an attempt to comfort him.
It brought a wobbly smile to his face. For a brief moment, he forgot about everything. His mind was now focused on the orange, fluffy creature in front. Gosh, what did he do to deserve Simba?
“Simbaaa, I’m sorry you had to see me like this..,” Sungho tried to speak, small hiccups escaping his lips. He let Simba get close to him as he tried to lick Sungho’s drying tears and boop his nose around Sungho’s face as kisses.
Sungho managed to let out small broken giggles, his heart was still clenching, but at least he felt a bit better. He should forget for a moment.
Simba would never leave him.
_ _ _ _ _ _
It’s been almost a week since the break-up, all he did for the past few days was laying in his bed idly, all day. He didn’t bother doing anything, except feeding Simba. The little cat shouldn’t be starving just because he got depressed. If he ever did that he should just be jailed.
But of course, he couldn’t just leave his shop be, the flowers would wither away just like his love life. And he got bills to pay.
Ting ting ting
The clinking of the bells played a harmony as the big glass door was pushed open.
“Donghyu-,” His words were cut off as his eyes laid upon a stranger. He sheepishly said a greeting before continuing his work.
Deep down, his heart selfishly wished it was Leehan instead that were pushing the door, ready to start his part-time work, or coming in to apologize and that he was out of his mind asking for a break-up.
He preferred the second option, though he knew it would never happen.
He missed Leehan, badly.
And he finds himself pathetic of it. Would Leehan be missing him?
The day went by in slow motion, an hour felt like he’d been working for a day. He rarely went out to get lunch, but today is an exception. He can’t stand working in the flower shop.
Leehan was everywhere. Whatever he did, it always reminded him of Leehan. Sweeping the floor, watering the flowers, restocking items; he was so used to watching Leehan while he managed the shop spending.
During lunchtime, they would go to the cafe from their previous date as it was quite near. They would eat their packed lunch first in the shop, then hurried to the cafe for sweet desserts.
Sungho had always enjoyed the days Leehan worked part-time. The warmth of each other’s hands, enveloping in a tangled lock while walking in the cold, biting winter.
Oh, he wished time could just turn itself.
Now, he’s all alone, walking in the cold weather without anyone to hold his freezing hands.
Somehow, his feet find himself at the cake cafe he and Leehan frequented to ever since their second date. His body moved itself as he entered the warm cafe and to the counter.
The barista was happy to see him, but he was quick to turn into a frown to see Sungho alone. But, he didn’t question it.
“Hello, good to see you again. Are you getting the usual?” The tone was cheery, it lifted his mood a little.
“..yea sure, I’ll get the usual,” Sungho hesitated before confirming his order. He decided that it’d be the last time he’d be coming here.
His body moved itself again as he found himself sitting at their usual seats. A couple seats, right by the window and a bit far back, so no one could ever disturb them.
He refused to look front, afraid that Leehan would be there too. Instead, he looks out the window, watching the falling of snow to pass the time.
After it was official between him and Leehan, he always thought that he’d never be alone ever again, since his other seat would always be seated by Leehan.
But now here he was, with his front seat empty, only the memories of it left.
He was so deep in his thought that he didn’t realize the waiter had placed his slice of strawberry cream cake and a cup of hot cappuccino in front.
He hurriedly gave his thanks to the waiter before staring at his cake intently, completely out of it to notice the eyes that were staring in his direction.
“Where is his boyfriend? Is he running late?”
“No that’s impossible, they always came here together, hand in hand,”
“Wait.. does that mean they’ve broken up?”
“No way.. I don’t believe in love anymore, I quit,”
“But they were my favourite couple…,”
The four of the staff were whispering to each other, careful to not let it get to Sungho’s hearing range.
They’ve been rooting for the couple ever since they were dating. It was a goner to find out this way that they’d broken up. Almost the entire cafe would be the witness of the couple doing stupidly cringy things for each other at that exact table.
However, the cafe usually lightened up whenever those two were around, emitting loving energy all over the place. It’s quite fond to see two people loving each other, but, now that they’ve separated ways, the mood in the cafe is gloomy.
“Get back to work guys let’s not pry into people’s private life,”
Sungho stared at the cake, eyeing the big strawberry on top for god knows how long.
He’s eating that alone.
Nobody to share another bite with.
He would have the first bite, the second bite would always be Leehan’s.
It had always been him.
He shut off the thoughts away, taking the strawberry and munching it in one bite. Let’s pretend he didn’t almost choke himself on it for a moment. Doing that much to not have the second bite.
He took the fork, stabbing it into his cake to have a spoonful of it. As he chewed on the cake, his eyes tingled with tears welling up.
It’s tasteless.
— — — — — — — —
He did it again.
He stared at the extra lunch box he packed.
It’s the twelfth time today, including breakfast and lunch. He’d always made an extra for Leehan, complete with a balanced diet because the younger often ate too many gummies. Too much sugar for a student to consume.
He wondered how Leehan was eating now.
Haha.. It’s funny how he still cared about the younger. Sungho should care about himself. He glanced at the sink, it was full of unwashed dishes that had been sitting for a week. His bed hasn’t been made. He didn’t find any reason to do so.
He glanced at the piling-up cinnamoroll plushies Leehan had gotten him. He didn’t have the heart to throw it. The plushies were like his children, a mother wouldn’t throw her children away if she was divorced.
Despite that, he hated his work desk the most. The paper flowers Leehan folded himself to give to Sungho when asking him out sat there neatly, untouched, and slowly collecting dust. How could he throw that away?
He felt like crying again.
Recollections of Leehan with the most charming smile that was for him to see were flooding in. Harmonic of vividly coloured flowers surrounded them, while Leehan gave his best to win Sungho’s heart.
Insane. Only people without a heart could’ve rejected that. How could anyone not fall in love if that happens?
Before he could shed the tears, he felt Simba rubbing up against his legs and meowing loudly.
Right, he hasn’t eaten yet.
Sungho quickly scooped Simba’s dry food to pour into his designated bowl and replaced some new water beside it.
He crouched beside Simba as he watched Simba munch on his food. Guilt rises in his guts.
“I’m sorry Simba.., I shouldn’t just neglect you just because I got my heart broken. Please forgive me..,” He stroked Simba’s soft fur as a way to say sorry.
“I’m so pathetic aren’t I..,”
Sigh..
He wished he could just skip work, but that would mean sleeping on the streets nonetheless. It would be a blessing to have a sugar daddy right now. Maybe he should find one..
Sungho shook his thoughts away. He might lose it one day.
Arranging a flower vase had never been so frustrating. The questions that Sungho had never wondered about swarming inside his head.
Why would someone buy flowers during winter? Do people give flowers as Christmas gifts ? This combination of flowers is so damn ugly, why would someone ordered this? What a waste of money. People nowadays have no taste.
He glanced at the list of orders, six orders remaining. It wasn’t even much for him, but in the state he was in, it was too much. He felt so stressed to the point of crying.
He was so caught up in his emotions that he didn’t realize his hands were bleeding. He looked down to see his hands were clenching the rose’s stalk, where the thorns were.
He watched as the blood dripped, staining the light brown floorboards with crimson red.
He couldn’t feel anything
Somehow, the urge to cry builds up again, except this time it’s soaring, overflowing his senses. His vision slowly got blurry as tears covered his eyes.
He felt numb.
He let himself be consumed with sorrow again, slowly falling as he sat on the wooden floor. Finally, he had a breakdown, after two weeks of breaking up. The tears were falling uncontrollably, but he still stubbornly tried to keep them down, only letting out weak whimpering sounds.
But he couldn’t.
He cradled his bleeding hands as he let himself go. He had been holding in for days, and he regretted it. He should’ve cried before, so he didn’t have to suffer these bottled-up emotions.
His ears were ringing, he couldn’t hear anything other than the sounds of his heartbeat. It was deafening as if it were planted inside of his eardrums, thumping and pounding. If a customer were to come in, he wouldn’t have noticed it.
It’s not like he’d care. The only thing he should be concerned about is himself, and this throbbing sensation all over his body. It was as if the stalks of the roses wrapped themselves around his heart, tightening the hold with every heartbeat.
He couldn’t breathe, it felt like his lungs had narrowed to something as small as the hole of a wasp’s nest, restricting any air passage for oxygen to articulate. He was starting to hyperventilate as he clutched his hand around his chest.
“-ho,”
A faint sound, someone calling him.
“Sungho!”
He remembered someone shouting his name, and a small pair of hands, gentle and soft, framing his face to lift his head before everything faded to black.
That was the last thing he could remember other than the gut-twisting pain.
.
.
A faint smell of umami reached his nose, causing him to stir in his sleep. The brightness of the light seeped through the crack of his eyelids, further sobering him up.
As he opened his eyes, he noticed that he wasn’t in the flower shop nor his apartment. He was in a bed and a new set of clothes. He felt like he could just melt into the mattress from how soft it was.
Did he shower? He felt so clean like a newborn baby fresh out of the womb, minus the blood. Smelt nice too.
The place looked all too familiar, and the scent too, like a warm laundry. He’d like to keep looking around, but keeping his eyes open hurt a lot. He could feel they were extremely swollen from the crying. Painfully swollen.
He raised his hand to his face to rub them, only to notice his injured hand was already bandaged up. It was slightly messy, but at least the bleeding had stopped.
His eye sockets hurt so much that he just wanted to rip it off. Rip it off so he couldn’t shed a single tear. He felt weak, crying for someone who he thought was his soulmate. He wanted to cry again out of anger and humiliation.
He was so caught up in his world he didn’t register the sound of the opening door and a set of footsteps.
“Stop rubbing them, you’ll hurt yourself,” A familiar voice said as he sat next to the bed. He knew damn well who that is.
“Sanghyeok-ah..,” Sungho pouted as he pursed his lips, a tear escaped his eye.
Riwoo gazed at him for a while, but Sungho couldn’t tell what was in his eyes that felt different.
“I heard about it. Why didn’t you tell me?” His stare was fierce, Sungho knew Riwoo was mad.
“How did you know..,” His voice was meek as he tried to shrink himself, felt bad that he didn’t tell his best friend right away.
“I have my ways. Now, tell me, why didn’t you tell me about this?”
Sungho was quiet for a while, honestly, he forgot about everything after the break-up, only his flower shop and Leehan were in mind. And Leehan mostly kept occupying his mind wherever he went.
“I.. I forgot to.. and I didn’t want you to worry,” He answered cautiously but still tried to keep his words true. He heard a sigh from Riwoo.
“Am I that untrustworthy?”
“No! no, Sanghyeok-ah you’re the only one I have right now,” Sungho scrambled to deny, holding the other’s small hands in his bandaged one.
Riwoo heard sniffles and whimpers escape those quivering lips as the florist tried to keep it in with his hands trembling uncontrollably, still holding on to Riwoo’s, afraid that he might leave.
“Please don’t leave me too..,” His voice was so close to breaking down as he managed those words out. Riwoo watched as those eyes were glossy with tears again, similar to the ones he saw in the flower shop.
His heart clenched excruciatingly. It pained him to see Sungho like this, so vulnerable and weak that he could break in any second.
“Shh.. shh... I won’t okay? Let it out, don’t hold back, you’ll be alright,” Riwoo cooed as he carefully brushed the strands of stray hair that stuck to the sweaty forehead of the florist gently.
Sungho hooked his arms around Riwoo’s neck to pull him down for a hug, which Riwoo immediately complied with. Sungho broke down again, sobbing into his hoodie as his weak hands tried to fist Riwoo’s shirt.
Riwoo gently patted the figure in his arm and stayed as long as needed. Every sob and cry felt like a punch in his guts.
How could he let this happen to someone he loves so dearly?
.
.
.
Sungho cried himself to sleep, causing Riwoo to end up with a tear-soaked hoodie. He tucked Sungho into bed before going back to the kitchen with the tray of cold porridge and a glass of water.
He’ll heat it again once Sungho is awake.
He changed out his hoodie to a new sweatshirt before going back to check up on Sungho.
He is still peacefully sleeping.
Those swollen eyes looked painful though, so Riwoo brought some ice to treat them with, hopefully, this won’t wake him up.
He sat beside the bed again, rolling up his sleeves before gently swiping the small block of ice on the swollen eyelid. Sungho frowned a bit but didn’t stir in his sleep.
Once the swelling had gone down a bit, he stopped to let it rest. He surveyed the slightly puffy eyes again, noting the short eyelashes that he hadn’t noticed before. He observed how clear and smooth Sungho’s skin was as he gently dabbed a soft towel to rid of the dried tears.
How could someone ever break such a fragile soul?
What led to this?
When Sungho first told him about his relationship with Leehan, his heart aches. There are times when he passed by the cake cafe near his neighbourhood, he would witness those two being cringy with hearty eyes for each other. It’s disgusting.
It’s disgusting how he wished that was him instead of Leehan sitting in that seat.
But, he is a good friend, nevertheless. He tried to bury his feelings away, dig a hole that was deeper than any grave, and placed it deep underground that even a single ray of sunlight couldn’t reach.
He could try however hard he wanted, but those so-called efforts would be fruitless anyway.
Those sun-like smiles always won him right over, each. fucking. time. He agreed that he is indeed a weak man to those smiles. When he thought they couldn’t get any brighter, Leehan had to show up and became the reason for his smiles to be brighter and much more radiant than Riwoo could ever make.
At one point, he decided to just accept it. Someone other than him could make Sungho a lot happier. At least he was happy, and that’s all that matters.
Until he found Sungho in the flower shop in the most gut-wrenching state Riwoo had ever seen him in, cradling his bloodied hand as he continued to cry his heart out.
Of course, Riwoo had to use whatever connections he had to know the cause. He asked Jaehyun, who is the boyfriend of Taesan, who was currently Leehan’s best buddy.
All he knows for now is that Leehan broke up with Sungho, he doesn’t know the reason for it yet.
Whatever the reason it is, Sungho is not the one to be blamed.
Anger slowly built up as Sungho’s cries echoed in his head and the face of pure gloom like that of a dark grey sky on a rainy day, flashed like a fresh memory.
He shook his head frantically. He should cool off.
Sungho might wake up soon, so he went to the kitchen to heat the porridge and placed it on the tray alongside a glass of warm water and meds.
When he entered the room, he found that Sungho was already awake, staring up at the ceiling. He didn’t bother to ask, so he placed the tray on the bedside table and waited for any demands.
“Sanghyeok-ah,” A weak voice called out to him as it vibrated. Throat dried out from the crying.
“Yes?”
“How do you keep your relationship?” Sungho asked as he turned his head towards Riwoo.
“Well, I don’t think you’re asking the right person. I had like a few exes before and now a single man,” Riwoo confessed as he watched Sungho’s face distort into a mix of confusion and shock.
Riwoo would crack a laugh if this situation wasn’t a serious one.
“But, I thought the last guy you dated was perfect,”
He wasn’t as perfect as you.
“I broke up with him five months ago,”
“..why?”
Because I’ve been in love with you for years and nobody could ever come close to replacing you.
“I don’t love him and it was mutual,”
“Aren’t you.. sad? I’ve never seen you cry because of them, so I thought that.., breakups wouldn’t be this painful,” Sungho searched Riwoo’s eyes, looking for any discomfort. He couldn’t find any.
“Well, I love someone else, but it was never requited,” Riwoo said as if life was drained out of him. It didn’t go unnoticed by Sungho.
“How do you know that? Have you ever confessed?”
“No, I was afraid, and I know he only sees me as a friend,” Riwoo’s voice was devastating. As if he was seconds away from shattering.
“Well, you could at least get it out of your chest, and let him go,”
Let him go.. as if
“I couldn’t let him go,” He looked up to meet Sungho’s gaze. Riwoo had this longing look on him, mixed with pain.
There’s a tension between them that Sungho couldn’t decipher of.
“Why..?”
Because it’s you.
Ding dong!
The rang of the doorbell interrupted them, startling them both. Riwoo let out a sigh before getting up.
“I’ll go get the door. Eat up okay? You’re losing weight,”
Sungho nodded as he watched Riwoo disappear behind the door. Sungho wondered who was visiting Riwoo at this time of the night..
“Why are you here,” Riwoo’s voice was stern, shooting the fiercest glare he could manage into Leehan’s desperate one.
Riwoo might not seem like one, but he could be intimidating if he needs to. He stood vigilant as he observed the taller figure in front of him.
Leehan was shivering from head to toe. He had no gloves, hat, or even a scarf to properly warm himself, only a puffer jacket, and untied boots that were put on in a hurry.
If Riwoo didn’t know any better, he would’ve let the younger in by looking at the reddening nose, head-covered snow, and frozen purple lips.
But those freezing lips still managed to voice out his yearning.
“Can I talk to Sungho?.., he’s here right?” Leehan uttered as his lips quivered from the chilly wind.
“So? What if he’s here? What does that have anything to do with you? He’s not yours,”
Leehan flinched from the hurtful words. It doesn’t feel right hearing those cruel realities.
Sungho isn’t his.
“L-look, I know you’re mad-“
“Mad? That was an understatement. I am beyond UPSET that I have to see Sungho in that state because of you . You don’t deserve him, Leehan, ” Riwoo snapped.
“I-I know, I know but, please, please just- let me talk to him- I, I made a mistake!” Leehan pleaded as this might be the last chance he’d ever get to see Sungho.
And Riwoo will make sure of that.
“And I won’t let you repeat it again,”
Riwoo slammed the door on Leehan’s face. A series of knockings filled his ears as mumbles of pleadings could be heard on the other side of the closed door.
The knocking had gone down after a while, only left with mutters of weeping. Leehan can sleep by the door all he wants, Riwoo wouldn’t open the door.
He went back to Sungho, a smile back on his face as he saw the other sat up on the bed, munching on the porridge.
“Who was at the door?” Sungho asked as he was aware of the other’s present.
“A random delivery guy, guess he got the wrong house,” Riwoo lied through his teeth. Sungho doesn’t have to know.
He sat back at the place beside the bed as he eyeballed Sungho who continued to enjoy the savoury porridge. It calms his temper down seeing those puffy cheeks moved as they chewed.
“Sungho,”
“Hm?” Sungho hummed as he finished his porridge, and cleaned his mouth with tissues.
“Is it okay if I ask you something? About you and Leehan,” Riwoo asked hesitantly, careful not to overstep.
Sungho tensed up for a moment, his hands were fiddling with the fabric of the pants on his lap. Before Riwoo could utter a word of reassurance, Sungho spoke.
“Marriage,”
Riwoo frowned as he tilted his head. Marriage? He was about to question it but Sungho continued.
“Well, he didn’t protest straight away. It was just after I told him my idea of marriage, he began to distance himself from me. My texts were getting ignored, he quit his job in the flower shop, his stuff was disappearing from my apartment, and.. avoiding skinship..,”
Sungho sighed, a longing and tired gust of breath. His eyes were shimmering with tears again, but he tried to hold it back.
“When was the last time we kissed..?” Sungho pondered as a drop of tear trailed down his cheek, glistening under the bright light of the room.
Riwoo felt sick to his stomach. How could someone leave their beloved for the sole reason of marriage? It could’ve been talked out instead of making the decision alone. He knew dating someone younger than him would be a drawback.
Sungho was zoning out, his gaze was blank, unlike his usual sunny eyes that always glimmer under the light and crinkled like the crescent moon.
Riwoo wanted to hold him, embrace him warmly as he whispered sweet nothings. Brushed away the tears that were caused by his misery, and stroked the clear skin around the cheeks that were getting pale.
But, he couldn’t. He is just a mere friend, someone to seek help and comfort during a break-up. It’s unfair.
It was getting late, Riwoo stayed beside Sungho as long as the other wanted him to, providing any form of comfort he could offer.
Sungho had always kept things to himself, no matter how many hardships he went through. Of course, things like this would burst eventually, but he’s persistent sometimes.
.
.
He almost forgot that Sungho was just staying here for a night; caused by an unfortunate occurrence. If Sungho just asked, Riwoo would let him stay for however long he wanted, however long he needed. He just need to ask.
If only Sungho was a bit more dependant..
Riwoo leaned against the door as he watched Sungho tie his boots. The puffer jacket Riwoo lent him was a bit small on him, especially around the shoulders.
Sungho is going back.. to his apartment..
Memories of last night flooding in, raising his anxiousness. What if Leehan went to Sungho’s apartment? What if he triggers another episode?
“Hey, Sungho?” Riwoo trailed off, hesitant.
Sungho hummed in acknowledgment, getting up from his sitting position to face Riwoo. Sungho was drowned in the expensive wool scarf that Riwoo wrapped him in, and a black beanie that was also from Riwoo’s closet. He was worried that Sungho might be too cold outside.
He looks mad adorable though.
“If.. Leehan were to come back, with an apology to get back together, would you accept him back in your life?”
The question hangs in the cold chilly air, as snowflakes land on Sungho’s raven hair. Riwoo prayed to the god above that Sungho wouldn’t give him the opposite of what he was anticipating.
“Well… I wouldn’t say I’d reject him..,” Sungho murmured but it was so loud for Riwoo.
He could hear the loud shatters of his heart as it disintegrated, mocking him. It felt like he was being ridiculed by the imaginary audience around him.
“Why? Even after the pain he caused you?” Riwoo reasoned.
“I don’t know.. maybe he deserves a second chance?”
Riwoo looked into Sungho’s eyes that was staring deep into the snow below them. His eyes were still full of yearning and love for Leehan. For Leehan.
Can’t you let me be your second chance at love?
Just like any other love letters he had mentally made, it all left unsaid.
What a coward.
——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Unpleasant.
He was overcome with the feeling of dread again as he observed the shambolic state of his apartment.
Piled up dirty dishes, rumpled bed with the same sheets that haven’t been changed for a month, withering plants, and scattering clothes on the floor.
He sat on the floor as he aggressively ruffled up his hair in frustration, causing the beanie to fall off.
He was so annoyed that he was so dispirited to spruce up his apartment despite being irritated by the mess. He hates being disorganized, but having to clean it himself is so annoying right now.
He’s too tired for this.
Sungho lay on the floor, right in front of the door, still in the puffer jacket and boots, feeling too lethargic. He stared into oblivion as Simba lay down with him, silently providing comfort.
He’ll do it later. Just a short nap, then he’ll get tidied up.
How long has it been? Three hours? Five?
Get up get up get up
He chants it inside his head, trying to trick his brain. With shaky legs, Sungho pushed himself up from the hard floor. He groaned as he stretched himself up. He unwrapped the scarf, picked up the beanie, slid off the jacket to hang it, and untied the boots.
He felt a bit better, but not enough that he’d clean the whole apartment. Maybe if he does it little by little, it’ll slowly motivate him. Well, it’s better than doing nothing.
He changed into his clothes first, randomly picking it from the floor, not caring if it was worn before, as long as it’ll warm him up, then it’s good to go.
Perhaps, he should start with his work desk, it’s the least dirty, so he won’t feel too overwhelmed.
But he forgot one disadvantage.
The paper flower bouquet that Leehan had folded himself, sat neatly in the bouquet stand on the wooden table. Leehan had given it to him when he was asking Sungho out, the start of their blossoming love.
Tears welled up again as he was reminded of the shy smile that Leehan had worn when handing him the paper flowers, and the soft kiss that was placed on the knuckles of his calloused hand.
He pursed his lips, refused to cry over Leehan again. He quickly wiped away the tears with the sleeve of his knitted sweater. The paper bouquet was snatched away from its place, as Sungho stomped his way over to the trash bin.
He held the bouquet above it as he thought it over. Why can’t he just throw it away?
Come on Sungho, just let go of the bouquet. It wasn’t so hard.
He couldn’t do it. But he doesn’t want to keep looking at it either. His heart aches every time he took a glimpse of the bouquet. He thinks for a moment, finding a solution to this.
What’s a better option other than giving it to Leehan instead?
Or maybe, he just wanted to see Leehan. For the last time.
.
.
The snow crunched below his feet with each step he took, cautiously trying not to slip over the icy pavement. A puff of breath released out of sheer cold as he watched the light turn red.
He walked across the road, and each step he took was getting heavier as he got closer to where Leehan is. He held the bouquet safely within his hold, closed to his chest, but still out of his sight.
Without even realizing it, he is already in front of the door that is begging to be knocked. Suddenly, he felt restless all over his body. Someone he loves is behind the door.
Shit, he hasn’t thought this through. It’s not too late to come up with something now, right? What is he going to say?
All of a sudden, the door opened to reveal.. Taesan?
Both of them are shocked upon seeing each other. One from panicked and the other is pure confusion.
“Shit, what are you doing here,” Taesan cursed, his eyes widen upon seeing Sungho. Seriously, what’s up with that?
“I-I umm, n-nevermind, pretend you never see me, I’ll get going now-“
“Wait, Sungho!” A new set of voice exclaimed that Sungho knew all too well. Leehan, the person he’s been waiting for.
“Donghyun…” Sungho murmured as his hands clenched, registering the bouquet and the reason he was here.
Focus Sungho, focus.
Leehan sprinted to the doorstep, pushing Taesan out of the way. He held the door’s frame, panting as he looked into Sungho’s eyes, both of them relieving each other’s longing.
From this distance, Sungho could see how puffy and red Leehan’s eyes were, the eye bags that seemed deeper than before, and the chapped, purple lips. He wanted to nurture the other, hold him close, and dress Leehan warmly with how he was shivering in this cold weather.
Fuck this, all of his pride and ego went out the window, his body moved itself as he lurched forward. He embraced Leehan’s cold body, Sungho squeezed a handful of Leehan’s knitted sweater from the back, afraid that Leehan might leave him.
Leehan was tense for a brief moment, before slowly enveloping back the florist, burying his face in the crook of the neck.
“I missed you.. so, so damn much. Can we put all of this behind us?” Leehan whispered, he held Sungho tighter, so he couldn’t run away.
..what?
Sungho pushed Leehan away with all of his strength, his senses were coming back. He glanced at the paper bouquet in hand as he straightened up himself.
Right, he was only here to give it back, not restart the relationship that Leehan doesn’t want to engage in.
Sungho’s face hardened, or at least he tried to, and shoved the bouquet into Leehan as the other scrambled to hold it.
“S-sungho?” Leehan stuttered, confused. His voice was meek and hoarse as if he had been crying. It made Sungho hesitate for a moment, but he shook it off.
So what, he had been crying too.
“You can keep it. I don’t want to see it anymore. I’ll get going now, goodbye Leehan. Sorry for disturbing you,” Sungho said in a rush while looking down the whole time, afraid that if he spared the other another glance, he might change his mind. Leehan winced from the name, but it went unnoticed by Sungho.
Sungho tried to turn away and leave before he was stopped by a pair of hands, grabbing him both by the wrist, the bouquet fell to the ground with a soft thud. Sungho was being twisted back around to face Leehan while Sungho struggled to break free from the hold.
Tears are flooding his vision again.
“Please, j-just spare me a moment, do you hate me that much, flower?” Leehan pleaded, grief clear in his tone.
Sungho was triggered upon hearing the nickname, how dare he call him flower, after crushing his heart to bits and leaving him all alone.
“Yes! Yes, I do hate you that much!” He snapped, breaking away from the strong grip. It left a faint mark as his skin was easily bruised.
He felt it again.
The burning anger fumes from the pit of his stomach. It was churning with pure, pure rage.
“Do you ever wonder why?” Sungho mocked with gritted teeth as if the answer wasn’t obvious enough.
Tears were streaming down as he dashed off to go back to his place. A place that he couldn’t call home anymore.
He wasn’t sure how far he ran off, but he was getting breathless and ended up at a park. An empty park that were cast with the white snow of winter along the grounds, nothing but trees and a few of wandering people could be seen.
He wasn’t expecting Leehan to chase him all the way here, with no proper clothing to protect himself from the cold too.
“No, please, please let me apologize to you, flower. Please, my flower,” Leehan begged, grabbing Sungho’s bandaged hands in his.
He held onto Sungho’s hands as if his life depended on it. Sungho grimaced from the pressure, the cut from before hadn’t fully healed. However, it was overlooked by Leehan as he was overwhelmed by the anxiety.
Leehan’s hands were frail and cold to the touch as if Sungho was holding a block of ice in hand. He would forget it all and just envelop the other to provide warmth, he would, if he wasn’t consumed with so much anger and hatred.
“Stop calling me that,” Sungho said between gritted teeth. He was getting tired of this. What’s the point of breaking up with him just to get back together again? After the pain he had to go through?
He wasn’t a pushover to be played around.
Sungho snatched his hands away from the icy touch, clenching his hands to his side firmly. The bandages were hanging off, barely holding on anymore. He was idle for a while, looking down while his teeth were trembling.
Leehan waited despite the lack of proper clothing during this cold weather. He was trembling from head to toe, but he could bear this much. He deserved this after the pain he put Sungho through.
“Why are you doing this to me, Leehan?” Sungho faintly whispered, almost went unheard if it weren’t for the silence of the unoccupied park.
“..Sungho? Will you please look at me? If you would be a dear to hear my apology, I promise you, I’ll welcome whatever decision you decide… be it.. bearing your hatred for the rest of my life,” Leehan choked out a sob at the end. That was tough to say out loud.
Sungho finally looked up, though with slight hesitation.
Oh, how long has it been since he last gazed into those eyes? However, he couldn’t bear to look. Those eyes were full of agony and longing.
Leehan looked like he was minutes away from turning into a block of ice. Sungho would be a heartless person to not hear Leehan out when the younger was sacrificing for him this much.
“Fine, make it quick, before I regret ever coming to see you,” Sungho said as he pulled his jacket closer to his body.
“R-right, thank you,” Leehan said with trembling lips. He just fully registered the bandages, giving it a quick, hesitant glance. But, he had limited time, so he just took a deep breath. Tons of words were rushing through his mind, one wrong step might turn his life into a completely different story.
“Sungho, I was so immature for not talking it out with you, keeping it to myself when we could’ve solved it together. We are- we were two, things like this should’ve been discussed together. All I think about was myself, and didn’t think about how would you ever feel. When I watched the videos, my heart sank seeing the couple break up after they just gotten married. I imagined, what if that was us..? I didn’t want to be the person who’ll leave you eventually, I… don’t think I deserved you..,” Leehan trailed off, embarrassed to hear it from himself out loud.
“But that was dumb! That was dumb of me! I realized that it was unfair, to the both of us for thinking that way. I don’t want to ever lose you. The only person that should be by your side is the person that would share mutual feelings with you, and I’d like that to be me, if you would allow me to, once again,”
“Sungho, I want to work at the flower shop with you again, I want to be the other person occupying your small single bed, I want to keep gifting you plushies that look like you, and I want to have the second bite of your strawberry, in the same cafe again,” Leehan poured out as he spared a glance at Sungho, who is a crying a river of tears, silently.
Leehan tried taking a step closer, leaving at least a meter of distance between them.
“So, will-.. will you please let me in your life again? I’ll be better for you,” He carefully proposed, picking the right words to say. He looked into Sungho’s eyes for the whole time, trying to show that he was being genuine.
Sungho wiped away the tears as a broken sob left his mouth. His expression was devastating to the eye as if Leehan was looking down at a stray kitten. He heard Sungho let out an exasperated gasp of breath, Leehan geared himself up.
“Your eyes can be so cruel sometimes... I hate it. I hate how those eyes can hold so much love and sorrow. At some point in your apology, I felt horrible that I was doing this to you. I felt nauseous, for thinking of not forgiving you,” Sungho said between sobs.
“Truth be told, I missed you. I miss you so damn much, Donghyun. Every time the bell of the shop rang, I was hoping that it was you. But.., I still found it hard to just forgive and forget about all of this just like that,” A few hiccups left his lips, and his cries slowly died down.
Every hiccup and sob was like a stab to Leehan’s gut. He felt like throwing up.
“.. I’m sorry, I deserved all of your hatred towards me. I made you cry, and wounded you deeply, how could I.. how could I do that to you..,” He whispered the last words, directing it to himself.
The silence was deafening, even if it was for a moment, it felt like an eternity had passed. It felt so unbearably uneasy. Leehan braced for the worst as Sungho finally broke the hush.
“Give me time,” Sungho’s voice sounded worn out.
“Give me time to ease off from all of this,” Sungho added, his glossy eyes were glistening with the icy snow of desert acting as the background. He looked unreal with the stray pieces of snowflakes stuck in his barely noticeable eyelashes.
“…yeah, take all the time you need, flower. I will be waiting for you. I will always be waiting, so please, don’t give up on me,” Leehan implored one last time, as this might be their last goodbye.
Sungho nodded with a low hum escaping his throat.
“Yeah.., I’ll try. I’ll meet you again, Donghyun,”
Leehan held on to the words. They’ll meet again, and hopefully, it will be blooming again.
Or would it be withering?