Work Text:
"Hiiiyah!" Piggy yelled, kicking the expensive vase off of her desk that Kermit had bought her last year. She punched his framed photo and smashed the glass onto the floor, her frustration getting the best of her.
She couldn't help but feel furious right now. Kermit had broken her heart yet again, and he had the nerve to act like he was innocent. What a joke he was! Piggy would show that frog how happy she could feel without him.
...That is, if she could feel happy without him. Right now, she felt a whirlwind of emotions. She was angry, she was devastated, she was jealous, she was sweating... that last part might have been from kicking the vase off her desk, but it still counted.
Huffing, she plopped into her office chair and kicked her feet around immaturely, contemplating what to do. Her life usually revolved around the frog, and it was genuinely hard to find anything else to think about but him. She looked over the guest stars for the show that night and groaned. No one special, like always. It was Kermit's fault for the Muppets falling out of the public eye. She didn't know how, but she knew it was true.
"I need a doughnut." She said aloud to herself, slumping out of the chair and making her way to the break room. She wasn't in the mood to really see anyone else right now, but Janice was standing in there, a mug in her hand.
"Ohhh, like hey Piggy. Your aura is totally bummed and blue right now." She stated, sipping at her drink.
Groaning, Piggy opened the Krispy Kreme box and pulled out a fat doughnut. "Yeah, well, Kermit broke up with me again. Right before Valentine's Day, too!"
"So I heard. His vibes have been totally changing color rapidly lately."
Piggy raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah..? What does that mean?"
"I think the little green frog is feeling blue, too."
"Good!" Piggy hmphed, satisfied with the answer. "Say, I know what will really grind his guts. Come with me to karaoke tonight, and I'll show him that I'm having an awesome time without him!"
"Like totally, I'll be there." Janice replied, and Piggy marched back to her office after grabbing a second doughnut.
That night, she glanced over the crowd in Rowlf's and spotted Kermit, sitting and moping next to Fozzie. They were having some deep conversation by the looks of it, and it only made Piggy's blood boil hotter. How dare he act upset, when he was the one who broke up with her! She did not cause this, and yet he was sucking sympathy out of people like a vampire?
Gritting her teeth, Piggy made her way to where the Electric Mayhem were preparing to sing a song on stage. "Hey, after your song, me and Janice are going to sing some karaoke! I wanna let the frog know that I'm happy without him!"
"Happy? You look like you're boilin' so hot you're gonna be steamed ham soon." Floyd joked, and Zoot looked around frantically.
"Whose boiling yams?"
"Hams, Zoot, HAMS." Floyd replied, and Animal joined in.
"HAM! HAM! WANT HAM!"
Piggy waved her first in the air. "You're gonna get a mouthful of ham if you don't shut your mouth!"
Animal obliged. Dr. Teeth snorted.
"Don't you worry, little pig, we're gonna let you in to sing with us after our first few tunes. We'll call you up."
Piggy nodded, staring at Janice. "Sound like a plan? I'm gonna need a girl supporting me through this."
Janice nodded, her head still in the clouds. "Oh, totally, Miss Piggy, we're gonna stick it to the man with our song."
"What man? What are we sticking him with?" Zoot questioned, and the rest of the band laughed or groaned and made their way back to their instruments. As the songs played on, Piggy found herself growing more and more worked up and angry as she watched Kermit and Fozzie talked.
Her frustration jumped into her chest as she watched Kermit lean on his shoulder, when she had asked several times to do that and he never wanted to with her. Piggy mumbled out her requested song to the Electric Mayhem members and they started to switch around until Dr. Teeth sat at the piano and Janice and Piggy stood at the mic. The music started and Kermit turned to look at the stage, and Piggy stared him down, just like the first night they met at that fair.
"Well, I heard that you're leaving." Piggy started singing, and Janice jumped in to back her up.
"Leaving.."
"Gonna leave me far behind.. 'cause you found a brand new lover. You've decided that I'm not your kind," She glared at how close Kermit and Fozzie were sitting, grinning as Kermit scrunched his face in discomfort.
"So I pulled your name out of my Rolodex, and I tore all your pictures in two.. and I burned down the malt shop where we used to go, all because it reminds me of you!"
Janice doo-waped to the tune, swaying her hair as Piggy continued to maliciously move the words out of her mouth.
"That's right! You ain't gonna see me crying. I'm glad, that you found somebody new. 'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass, than spend one more minute with you." Piggy's eyes grew dark as she stared Kermit down.
"I guess I might seem kinda bitter. You've got me feeling down in the dumps... 'cause I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self-service pumps!" Piggy belted out the words, and a few people in the crowd pulled out lighters. It was most likely sarcastic and she would pummel them later, but her focus for the moment stayed on Kermit.
"Oh so honey, let me help you with that suitcase. No you ain't, gonna break my heart in two... 'cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face...than spend one more minute with you. I'd rather rip out all my intestines with a fork than watch you go out with other men. I'd rather slam my fingers in a door..."
She raised her voice, shouting the next words, "AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!" She calmed down slightly. "Oh doncha see what I'm trying to say, darlin', I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches... slam an ice pick under a toe nail or two. I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue... than spend one more minute with you... yes I'd rather jump naked in a huge pile of thumbtacks, or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue. I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edge razor blades... than spend one more minute with you." She cleared her throat, continuing.
"I'd rather rip my heart right out of my rib cage with my bare hands and throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die.." She gasped dramatically, "than spend... one more minute... wiiiiith you." She sunk down to her knees as the crowd erupted into cheers. She stared right at Kermit, who seemed to already be focusing on something else. With a frustrated snort, she gazed out into the crowd. "HEY FROG!" She watched him turn his head and just as she did, she grabbed Janice's face and kissed her, flipping Kermit off.
She could practically hear him shaking his head and saying "Sheesh" from across the bar, and smiled at it.
"Piggy turned to Jance, still grinning. "Well, that was fun. Sorry for kissing you so suddenly."
"No problem, it's like totally fine. Love is free, Piggy, love is free." She stated calmly, nodding.
'You know what? Janice is right.' Piggy thought to herself as she wiped sweat off her brow and sat at the bar. 'Love is free.'
'And so is torturing your ex-frogfriend by serenading him with an intense breakup song. That's free, too.'