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ever since he was little, ricky never looked for anything more than a good and compatible personality when making friends or developing crushes. it didnt matter to him if they werent as attractive or tall. he didnt understand why his father always insisted that he HAD to be considering physical attractiveness when he wanted to date someone, but no matter how often he thought about it, ricky didnt care if his partner was ugly or attractive, or even if they were a boy or a girl.
now, in his late teens, he finds that dating people is a lot harder because of the expectations held around them. he had to be physically intimate with his partner, holding hands, cuddling, eventually doing the deed with them. but he wasnt looking for all that. i mean, yes, he would enjoy holding hands with his partner and hugging them, but he wanted someone to go on adventures with. he wanted to date someone who would take him out on romantic dates or lazy at-home dinners with takeout and a movie. and NOT netflix and chill. just… the two cuddled underneath ricky's blankets as they shared a bowl of popcorn and made silly jokes.
it isnt until ricky meets kim gyuvin that he decides to believe in dating again.
kim gyuvin, younger cousin to sung hanbin, was the human incarnate of a deer with his wide eyes and ridiculously long limbs. the man was slightly taller than himself, a benefit for ricky because hes never seen anyone as tall as him except gunwook. he was loud and outgoing but kind and empathetic. he has a cute dog named eumppapappa and takes care of his youngest friend like his own son.
he gets ricky to talk about all his favorite things, remembers all his go-to orders. hes learned all of ricky's little tells, when he needs quiet, when he needs to socially recharge, when he doesnt understand korean because his brain is tired. gyuvin takes care of ricky without ricky asking and it makes him feel warm.
"ge... how did you know you liked hanbin-hyung?" hao and ricky are sitting in the tiny living room of their shared apartment, the mean girls playing on the tv even though they've seen it about 30 times each.
"well, it definitely took me some time to admit it to myself, but all the signs were there," hao chuckles to himself, reminiscing those feelings from a couple years back. "he made me comfortable in a way that nobody else did and took the time to learn everything about me. i realized i liked him after watching him stand up for me and matthew at that one party and all the feelings and thoughts i had around him made so much more sense."
ricky thinks back to said party, something that mentally and emotionally affected his whole friend group, but it explains why hao was acting more weird than the rest. "is that why you were being so avoidant?"
"yeah," hao blushes and rubs his neck in a sheepish motion. "there were a lot of feelings to unpack and a lot of things i realized at the time that made it impossible for me to talk to anyone because i was trying to process everything. it wasn't until hanbin cornered me while you were with matthew at that art gallery that i was able to tell him everything."
the movie plays quietly in the background as the two sit in a comfortable silence, ricky playing with his fingers as hao keeps his focus on the tv. finally, he gets it out. "i think i like gyuvin."
"thats great, rui!" hao exclaims until he looks towards the other at the unexpected silence that follows the confession, apprehension clear in his body language. "...unless it's not?"
"ge, i haven't had a relationship since him , and we both know how that worked out," ricky says before he sighs and deflates against the couch. hao frowns, scooting closer to the younger and bringing him into a comforting embrace.
"rui, not everyone is like him," hao starts softly, running a hand through the other's hair. "gyuvin hasnt shown any signs of pushing your boundaries or even trying to. he always takes a step back when he can see that youre uncomfortable and has always let you initiate the skinship because he knows how hesitant you are about it, even if he doesnt know why. give him a chance."
hao says no more after that, opting to wrap the blanket around both of them and turning his full attention back to the movie. ricky falls asleep next to hao.
-----
currently, ricky is in hanbin's apartment, watching matthew and taerae down shots for their pregame. their whole group is heading to the end of the semester party that's hosted by the sorority that ricky is in. as always, jiwoong is their designated driver with hanbin promising to have a couple drinks before staying sober the rest of the night. gunwook is excited to go to his first big college party but after a lot of arguing, he has agreed to not drink more than two shots with both jiwoong and hanbin watching him the rest of the night. hao is also choosing not to drink this time, saying that he has to meet with hanbin's family in the morning for brunch and would rather not be hungover. gyuvin and ricky are both lounging on the couch as gyuvin doesn't drinks and ricky is just tired.
"we all remember the rules?" hanbin calls out, as usual for bring their group's quote-unquote leader. "hyung and i will be driving everyone home, or back here if you would like. watch your drinks and use your cup covers. if you need anything, call me, jiwoong-hyung or hao-hyung, okay? we'll all be checking our phones throughout the night. we leave at 2 am, 3 am at the latest and for god's sake dont let matthew get dragged away like he did last time."
except for a protesting statement from matthew, the rest of the group gave some form of acknowledgment before piling into the two separate cars. ricky, unlike the other times, felt anxious. his knee was shaking uncontrollably, he was fidgeting with his hands, his heart was beating faster than normal. but all of a sudden, gyuvin was there, placing one hand on his knee and he was brushing shoulders with him and using the other hand to intertwine his and ricky's together.
"take a couple deep breaths, ri," gyuvin whispered looking right at him and taking exagerrated, slow breaths. "i'll stick by you the whole time and i can ask hyung for his keys so we can sit in the car if you need to recharge."
"i'm fine, gyu," ricky retorted but neither believed it, not even ricky himself. gyuvin gave him a disbelieving look before ricky sighed. "i don't even know why i feel like this."
"i don't know why, either, but we'll get through it. the hyungs and gunwook will look after us," gyuvin reassured one last time before they arrived at the house. the two got out, one after the other and fixed their clothes. gyuvin gently grabbed ricky's wrist, making the other turn around. "if you need to step out, you let me know, no questions asked. got it?"
ricky smiled and nodded, pulling the other along into the house. everything would be fine.
-----
gyuvin was true to his word and he stuck to ricky like glue, never leaving his side for even a moment. he glared at anyone that came to close to ricky and pulled him away whenever some of the other party-goers began dancing around them a bit too hard. hao and hanbin had come by every once in a while to check up on them, jiwoong being in charge of watching matthew, taerae and gunwook. the two remained near the living room area, taking up a two-seater couch placed in the corner. between the two of them, only about 10 people have come to talk to them, making small conversation with the two before leaving to party once again.
"ri, i'm getting a bit thirsty," gyuvin yelled over the loud music. "i'll be right back, okay? do you want anything?"
"i'm okay, thanks gyu," gyuvin only smiled in response before making his way to the kitchen through the crowd. the nervous feeling returned without gyuvin to ground him. unconsciously, ricky began to fiddle with his rings as he forced himself to space out, arguing with his brain that spacing out would make gyuvin come back faster.
when he felt the couch dip, he turned to look at the person, only to recoil at the close proximity between them. "i see you're eager as ever, quanrui."
no no no. he wasn't supposed to be here. what was he doing here?
ricky froze when he felt the man press close to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to keep their bodies close. the other hand was placed on ricky's thigh, stroking up and down in an intimate motion. ricky wanted to leave, he didn't like, he didn't like the memories it brought back. "get off me."
the man smirked, leaning in closer to his ear. "i couldn't quite hear that."
ricky tried to pull away, but the man got on top of him, straddling his thighs and bracketing him in with arms on either side of him. the man leaned in closer. "i missed you, you know? after you moved away so suddenly, it took me forever to find you. and finally, i can claim what is mine after 2 years."
"i'm not yours, xiao," ricky replied, finally. "i was never yours and never will be."
"aw, look who finally got their own voice, no longer being spoken for by that guard dog of yours," xiao smiled condescendingly. he pressed in closer, noses almost touching.
before xiao could make any more moves, he was pulled off of ricky and thrown onto the ground, an angry gyuvin hovering on top of him. "who the fuck do you think you are? i thought i told you to stay the fuck away from my friends."
xiao smirked as he stood up, dusting off his clothes. "well, you didn't tell me quanrui was your friend as well."
gyuvin froze, looking between the two. he saw the fear prominent in ricky’s eyes, a kind of fear he had only seen once. his body was tensed, almost as if it was trying to make him seem smaller. he looked back at xiao, hating the look of satisfaction on his smug face as he took in ricky's state. "how the fuck do you know him? and what did you do to him?"
"aw, quanrui," xiao frowned, tilting his head in a taunting manner. "you couldn't even tell your friends about me? about how i was your first for everything?"
when xiao reached out a hand to pet ricky, gyuvin punched the side of his head, making him stumble back. the crowd that had formed around them exclaimed, phones out and surely recording what was about to go down. "don't fucking touch him asshole."
"i see one guard dog wasn't enough, so you got yourself another," ricky looked down. the silent submission only made gyuvin angrier. "does he know all about how fucking dirty you really are, quanrui? how fucked up your are?"
"shut the fuck up!" gyuvin lunged for another punch, hitting him square in the jaw. "you clearly don't fucking know him so get the fuck out of here before i beat the shit out of you."
"i'd like to see you try," xiao replied before the two engaged in a fight. they were throwing punches back and forth, gyuvin landing some before xiao landed a couple more. none of the other party-goers made any motion to stop the fight and ricky continued to look down, silent tears streaming down his face as he got stuck in a dissociative state.
just when gyuvin is about to throw another punch, a hand pulls him back before forcing him into and embrace. he looks around to see jiwoong holding him and hanbin holding his hand. "hyung! he-"
"i know, gyuvinnie. we have to leave right now and help our ricky," hanbin looked gyuvin straight in the eyes. "that guy has hurt ricky too but in a different way. it's not my story to tell."
"i figured he must've because he mentioned something about all ricky's firsts and how dirty he was, but none of those things are true, right, hyung?" gyuvin asks, but he gets his answer from hanbin's eyes. "that motherfucker-"
"gyuvin please!" hanbin cries out, blocking xiao from his view. "being here is only hurting ricky more. we need to get him away from xiao."
the three walk around xiao, who is being held by a couple of ricky's friends, letting the group walk by. "i'll fucking find you ricky and when i do, you won't-"
he was cut off by a hard uppercut given by jiwoong, knocking him out. gyuvin looks up at his hyung, smiling at him before they walk out of that house.
-----
by the time they all meet back at hanbin's apartment, ricky is still blank, emotions void form his eyes as he allows hao to guide him to the couch. he doesn't protest when hao feeds him the glass of water jiwoong gave him nor does he react when hao and hanbin sit on either side of him.
gunwook is staring worriedly between the three, unsure of what to do or what to say. even taerae and matthew have sobered up considerably after seeing xiao.
hao looks down at ricky, lightly shaking him to get his attention. ricky turns his head slightly, indicating that he was listening. he speaks in their mother tongue, "should we save this story for later or would you prefer to tell it now, rui? i don't think we should hide this from them."
ricky takes some time to respond, but eventually he says, "i want to tell them now, ge."
hao give him a tight-lipped smile, nodding at hanbin, who placed a comforting hand on ricky's shoulder. "we'll be here to help you ricky-ah, please let us if you need us to."
and so, he begins recounting one of the most traumatic events of his life, one that changed his whole perspective of the world in just a mere 10 minutes. hao and hanbin held his hands tightly, reassured him that he wasn’t with him in the moment and that he was safe. it took multiple pauses between the hard parts for ricky to finish his story, but he had finally done it.
the room was dead silent, hao and hanbin were looking at ricky sadly while the others just processed this with looks of shock, anger, and sadness ranging on their faces. ricky was staring ahead, no emotions seen on his face but his eyes portrayed something unreadable. gunwook looked like he was on the verge of tears while jiwoong looked like he was figuring out what to say next. finally, after a couple minutes of silence, jiwoong spoke up.
“first of all, i want to say that i’m so sorry about what you experienced,” jiwoong took one of ricky’s hands from hanbin, holding it tightly between his own. “you didn’t deserve that and it is not your fault. just know that we don’t think any differently about you and we will support you through this. i recognized a lot of people at that party and i can ask for videos to send to the police and perhaps help you get a restraining order against him.”
“we thought moving to a whole other country would have been enough,” hao says as he sighs, putting a hand over his forehead. “i had been planning to transfer here for university anyway after i graduated with my bachelor’s. i was saving up my money to pay for the flight and the fees and whatever costs i had, but then ricky had called me one night, asking if he could stay with me and in return, he would take care of all my expenses. he sounded completely monotone and it isn’t abnormal for him to speak that way but some other tone in his voice told me a different story. so i picked him up, drove him to my apartment at the time, we talked, and we both agreed to leave once we had both graduated. we avoided xiao and his brother as best we could because we only had two weeks left before our flight and then we just left entirely, no trace of where we went. one of my friends must have told xiao or his brother where i was going if they were able to track us here.”
“yeah, i think a restraining order at the very least is in need here,” hanbin said. he turned to look at ricky, whose eyes had begun drooping and how hao’s eyebrows hadn’t unfurrowed since the whole confrontation. they were all tired, stressed, maybe even completely sober with everything that had just happened in the past 3 hours. they needed rest more than anything right now. “okay, we’re all going to regroup in the morning. i’ll text anyone i remember seeing at the party if they have the videos of what went down so we can file for a restraining order if possible, or at the very least, get him blacklisted with security. it’s been a very long night and we all need to rest up. you all have your assigned overnight kits in my cabinet where they usually are but if you need extra blankets or pillows, i can go find some.”
“thanks hanbin-ah. i’ll help you set up everything,” jiwoong said, standing up. “gyuvin and ricky can room together, hanbin and hao of course, taerae and gunwook can share a room, and then matthew and i will take the last room.”
“okay, if anybody needs anything, you all know where my bedroom is, so feel free to knock on my door at any moment of the night,” hanbin gave one last hug to ricky before he helped hao stand up, the two slowly waddling down the hallway and into the main bathroom.
gyuvin and ricky waited for the rest of their friends to head to their shared rooms first, the others giving ricky their own form of physical affection and comfort before leaving the two on the couch together. gyuvin, for the first time since he had met ricky, didn’t know what to say in order to comfort his best friend. they sat in silence, staring ahead at nothing in particular, the silence not awkward but still quite tense from the aftermath of the events of that night as well as the conversation held just minutes prior. for once, neither of them were holding hands, hugging, or even brushing shoulders. there was a visible gap between the two of them but gyuvin wasnt used to this. he wanted to embrace ricky as tightly as he could, acting as a shield from the rest of the world. he would be the one to protect him from everything in this world, even if it was the last thing he would do.
but then all of a sudden, ricky was moving, slowly inching closer to gyuvin on the couch. the other was not even looking his way, still looking ahead, and yet gyuvin could feel how much ricky craved the closeness. like a good friend, he turned to the other and opened his arms wide to receive his best friend, just like he had always done and will always do.
“what do you need, ri? im here,” gyuvin says, his voice soft and gentle like it always was when he spoke to ricky when it was just the two of them.
and at that moment, ricky knew he had to rid himself of his ghosts, stop his fears from walking all over him. he had spent his whole relationship with gyuvin trying to put it into words, now its time to really let everything go.
“before i start, you need to promise to not say anything until im done,” and for the first time since the confrontation, ricky makes eye contact with gyuvin, searching for the comfort he so desperately needed but couldnt dare ask for in this moment. when he saw gyuvin nod his head, ricky took a breath before he began. “i already told my story with xiao, but nobody knows just how much that whole thing affected me. not even ge. both him and hanbin-hyung, and now probably jiwoong-hyung, probably know there’s more to all this than im letting on but i will not verbalize it to them yet. but i will to you because we’re dating and there are some questions i know you have that i have the answers to. and no, i’m not doing this because i think i have to, but i think the time is right. the biggest thing to get out of the way is that im asexual. i dont want any type of physical intimacy that goes beyond a make-out session. im fine with you holding my waist, kissing me, holding hands, cuddling, but nothing beyond that. doing that with xiao made me realize that i was asexual, or traumatized me enough to never want to have sex again. im scared of physical affection when its unexpected and uncommunicated because of that very situation. sometimes, when it happens on accident, its like my mind goes back to that night in his apartment. i kind of black out for the rest of the day and maybe a day or two afterwards. i dont know exactly what happens in my brain but i get really, like, numb and almost dissociative. i never said anything because i didn’t know how to cope with it or accept it in my head. i know you’re not like him but my brain sometimes doesn’t know how to differentiate everyone else with him.”
gyuvin doesn’t say anything for a moment. there’s no movement between them, just two people sitting in a dimly lit living room. there’s tension but it isn’t uncomfortable. nervous energy flies around the room and consumes gyuvin, but it isn’t overwhelming. it’s heart-warming.
because despite all his hardships, ricky has trusted in him to believe again. to date again. to tell him this very vulnerable piece of information about himself and he’s the first to have been told verbally. or maybe even ever. and that makes gyuvin love ricky even more.
he kneels on the ground in front of ricky, slightly startling the other, and grasps the other’s hands in his own, looking ricky in the eye and smiling at him. “thank you for trusting in me. thank you for giving me a chance despite being scared. nothing anybody else ever says will make me love you any less because i don’t care about opinions. i care about you. i care about our time together. i care about the memories we create together. us not having sex isn’t going to be a deal breaker to me. it wasn’t an option in my mind because you never initiated anything to make me believe it was an option. i love you because you’re you. not for any other reason. just you.”
all too suddenly, ricky is sobbing in gyuvin’s arms, clinging onto him tight as he basked in the comfort that the other offered. it had been such a relief to hear those words come straight form gyuvin’s mouth, even if ricky hadn’t outright said that he needed the reassurance. he had been holding onto this ghost for so long that letting it go made him feel free. the burden no longer weighed on his shoulders. the fear no longer haunted him because he knew that he had gyuvin.