Work Text:
I feel my life slowly fading away. My vision is blurry, and my body keeps getting weaker every second.
This is nothing, for I had not lived my life at all. I had been an empty shell for a long time. Dying now would not make any difference at all.
Looking around the room where I am spending these final moments, perfectly reflects how my life had been. It had one bed, a closet, a full-body mirror, a lamp, and a window. All of it was just the necessities provided to me by the nursing home. When I moved in here, I only had a bag of clothes and a few pictures of myself. The caretakers asked me several times if I did not have anything else.
“No, nothing. That is all.” I curtly replied to them.
I wished they would stop asking me about it. The more they ask about it, the more I would think that they just ask it to confirm with me once again that there was nothing else to me other than my wealth. That I had no memory to cherish, and that I will not have a memory to leave behind.
It pains me to say, but indeed that was all there was to it about me. When I retired, I moved into this nursing home so that someone would take care of me. I never married and have kids. I only have myself.
The moonlight enters the room, reflecting upon the frame of my windows. It is beautiful. Probably the last beautiful thing I would see in this world. As I think back on my life, there was nothing but loneliness. Ugly loneliness and regrets.
It’s not like I never tried to have someone in my life. Ever since I was young, I dreamed of having my own family and growing old together with someone I loved all my life. I tried dating but it did not work. When I think about him, I only feel sad because of how much I have hurt him. I knew he loved me but, my love for him was never the same kind as him. I only adored him and entered a relationship with him because I was lonely.
“Do you really love me?” He asked with calmness in his expression. He was asking but the sorrow in his eyes told me that he already knew my answer.
“I’m sorry” was all I could tell him.
I loved him. But it was never anything romantic. I knew he would take care of me and would do his best to make me happy. But I also knew that I would never be truly happy with him. There is a big hole in my heart that feels as if it's missing its other half. I knew that it was not him who held the missing other half of my heart. I had to let him go.
Now that I think about it, there was one person whom I thought if I had the chance, I could spend my entire life with. A woman. Even I was surprised with myself too. I did not think that I would have an interest in a woman. She was someone I always bumped into in one of the coffee shops I was a regular customer of. She doesn’t stand out, but what made me notice her was because of how tired and yet determined she always looked.
She must be one of those employees exploited by a black company.
And what made her completely unforgettable for me was when I saw her break down one time as she was exiting the coffee shop. She broke down crying after receiving a call from a friend. I found out later that it was because one of her dearest friends committed suicide. I felt my heart ached when I heard about it. Losing someone was never easy and I wished I had comforted her at the time. But I was like everyone else. I just stood there and watched her cry.
As I continued to watch over her from afar, my interest only grew stronger. I was glad when she was back to her normal self, which was, being a dedicated employee. I was shaken once again when I saw her full of emotions one time. She smiled oh so brightly, and her usual lifeless eyes were full of colors. I could almost hear her squeal as she fidgeted on her phone. I had no idea what it was that got her so lively, but my heart pounded so hard. Her happiness came across, and it was contagious. I felt happy seeing her like that. For the first time in my life, I felt more alive. I felt whole. And I knew, as the day passed, I was falling in love with her.
I thought to myself, that I should do something. If she was the one, I was looking for, I should make my move and try to get to know her. I was getting greedy. Watching from afar wasn’t enough for me anymore. But at the same time, I was afraid. What if she thinks I’m a freak blonde? Or even a stalker? I kept telling myself that tomorrow for sure I will try.
However, when the day finally came that I had gathered my courage to talk to her, it was already too late. At first, I thought she just didn’t drop by that day. It happens. It’s not like she comes to the coffee shop every day. But then, days became a week. A week became a month. She never showed up again. I asked the barista if they happened to know anything about her and it seems she hasn’t been coming to her workplace as well.
“Oh, the short-haired lady with glasses? I heard from another customer who was her coworker that she died of overwork.”
They found her sitting, lifeless, in front of her television which was still turned on when they arrived. She died while she was playing a game.
My heart was shattered completely that day. I was full of regrets, even to this day. Would it have turned out differently if I had tried talking to her? I keep asking myself that same question over the years.
Since then, I have completely accepted that the other half of my heart, of my life, would never be whole. From then on, I felt my soul dying little by little. I was nothing but an empty shell. I just lived for the sake of living. Nothing more.
As I slowly stretched out my trembling hands to the moonlight, thoughts flooded my mind once again. What if in my next life, I finally meet that person?
Ahh. How nice would that be?
If in my next life, I meet my other half, I wish to have a chance with her. Our relationship may start roughly given how difficult my personality is. But I hope that she will never give up on me. We will face challenges, and we will be able to overcome them as long as we stay together. We will have our own house and build a family. We will marry and have a kid or two. Oh, how adorable it would be if we could have a twin daughter. I don’t even mind adopting.
She would cook for me, as I am hopeless when it comes to cooking. In exchange, I will shower them with praise and love them more each day. I will give my life to protect them, and everything I can. I will make sure to not have any regrets this time.
Oh god. Please, I beg of you. If I get reborn, even if it is in another world, let me meet my other half this time around. I promise to love and protect them even after the end of my life.
As I drew my last breath, I prayed so hard hoping this one last wish to be granted.