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Wolfgang came home to an empty flat and felt an ache in his chest. The only sound was the hum of the fridge and the click of the air con as he flicked it on. He was alone.
‘It’s only for one night,’ said Kala, tantalisingly close in his mind, though in reality, she was halfway across the world. Her soft mouth whispered a kiss across his cheek. He could feel the warmth of her breath, just as though she were really there.
But she wasn’t.
He looked at her, his gaze gracing hers for just a moment. ‘Forty whole hours,’ he said and she laughed. His attention dropped to her mouth, the way it turned up as she chuckled softly and the merest suggestion of a dimple.
‘Nomi’s right. You’re such a drama queen.’
He shrugged. ‘It’s how I feel.’
Not wanting to give her a chance to probe his feelings further, he pushed his perspective into hers. He found himself in her hotel room. She was sitting at the vanity, looking in the mirror. He saw her with her own eyes, then he looked past her. He could see Rajan’s reflection. He looked not quite right, because it was a flipped image, but still the sight of his lover filled him with warmth, the way it always did. He could almost kid himself he could feel the warm, strong embrace that always made him feel safe. He could smell Rajan’s rich, familiar scent. It reminded him of the best red wine, the way the deep inhale before you drank would make your mouth water and your body anticipate the giddy lightness the alcohol would induce.
He wanted to feel Rajan in that moment in the same way he felt Kala but he felt so far away.
‘Rajan,’ he said, with Kala’s mouth.
Rajan, who was reading a book, glanced up. Puzzlement crossed his face for a moment, before it faded away, to be replaced by a crooked smile. ‘Is that Wolfgang?’ he asked, warmth filling his voice.
‘Ja, Liebling,’ Wolfgang said, in Kala’s voice.
Rajan grinned, put down his book, and got up. Wolfgang waited for him, lingering in Kala just for the chance to feel close with them both. Rajan stepped up behind them and wrapped his arms around Kala. Wolfgang leaned into the embrace, letting the presence of his lovers surround him.
‘We’ll be back soon,’ Rajan murmured, dropping a kiss into Kala’s hair. Wolfgang turned his head into the kiss, letting himself feel it through Kala.
He knew they would be home soon, that it wasn’t really that long to be apart. But he did miss them. He had never thought he would allow himself to get so attached to anyone. He had been determined to never need anyone but Felix. But they had captured his heart and he hadn’t been able to resist.
He still had to maintain his tough-guy image, even though they weren’t really fooled. ‘You’d better be,’ he said.
Rajan laughed and kissed him again. ‘Promise.’ He pulled back and perched on the edge of the vanity. ‘At least you can see me. I have to do without your gorgeous face for forty whole hours.’
Wolfgang laughed. Rajan always knew how to make him feel better.
‘We’re going to go out to eat,’ said Kala. ‘What are you going to have? Is Felix coming over?’
‘No, he’s working,’ said Wolfgang. He glanced around the living room, thinking how empty it felt without his two lovers there. Just one night. He’d spent hundreds of nights all alone. Why was this any different. ‘I’ll order a pizza or something,’ he said. ‘You go out and have fun.’ He kissed Kala’s cheek, allowing himself to feel the softness of her skin, to breathe in her scent of lavender.
Kala smiled, then pulled back and turned her attention to her vanity. She had been about to do her make up. Wolfgang watched her for a moment, as she cleaned her face with a wet wipe, then started to apply cold cream.
‘Is he still there?’ asked Rajan.
‘I’m going to have a shower,’ said Wolfgang, then watched as Kala told Rajan what he had said.
Rajan nodded, then smiled. ‘Come and sleep with us later,’ he said, then returned to sit on the bed with his book.
Wolfgang knew he would join them again later. He was never able to stay away for long. But first he wanted to show he could do without them when he needed to. He watched them without saying anything for a few moments, then pulled away and made himself return to the empty flat.
He went into the bathroom and started to strip off his clothes, chucking them into the laundry basket in the corner of the room. He had spent a long day at work, and he was ready to wash off the day and settle in the for evening.
He chuckled to himself. Once upon a time, his day would probably be beginning at this time. He’d go out on a job late at night, or go clubbing, to drink and dance, or to pick up someone hot. That life was gone now. In its place, was a life he wasn’t sure he understood. But there was happiness. There was more happiness than he could ever have imagined.
He turned on the shower and gave it a moment to heat up before he stepped inside. It was a large shower, perfect for three, though a little lonely with just him. He smiled a little as he stood beneath the hot spray. When they had moved in, anything that Rajan had deemed too small for three had been replaced. The shower had been one of the first things, just after the bed. He’d replaced the bath too and they had proven many times since then that it was now big enough for three.
He closed his eyes under the spray, feeling the water run down his face and soak his body. He reached out blindly for the soap and lathered it up. The scent of lavender hit him and it was immediately as though Kala was with him, without having to visit her. He could feel her touch, the warmth of her body close to his. The many hours he had spent in this shower with her, her naked body against him. She brought him so much pleasure, just by existing, just by being in his life. She had brought him love, both in herself and in Rajan.
More than that, she had brought him certainty. He wasn’t sure when exactly but, somehow, he now possessed inside him this peculiar certainty that he would not be alone. He would not be unloved. He had Kala. He had Rajan. He had his cluster.
He used the lavender soap and washed, basking in the scent of it, that scent which kept her so close.
When he stepped out of the shower, wrapped his robe around himself, and sloped into the kitchen to make sure there was beer in the fridge to go with his pizza, the scent of lavender came with him. He went into their bedroom to find some clothes to put on but then sat on the bed in just his boxers to order the pizza on his phone.
The scent of lavender was still with him.
He grinned at himself. Here he was mooning about his faraway lovers, not even contemplating going out and getting drunk. Sometimes, he thought he didn’t even recognise who he was anymore. But that was a good thing. Maybe he was the person he should have been, the person without all that pain in his life. Maybe now, he was the person who was wrapped in love. Maybe now he was a person enveloped in the scent of lavender.