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Soft blond hair, small hands, cold skin.
White silk, black lace, a red sash cinched tight around a slender waist.
Kaveh was everything. Alhaitham wished he was nothing.
It had been years since they’d last seen each other for reasons Alhaitham couldn’t explain, for it was one of the biggest regrets of his life and comprehending it in any capacity brought him unspeakable pain.
Kaveh had told everyone the separation had been amicable. Alhaitham didn’t agree. The only person left unhappy with the breakup was himself. He wasn’t one to shackle anybody to him, but he had thought that Kaveh of all people wouldn’t feel the need to break away in the first place. That’s what Kaveh had always promised anyway, in sweet tones under gentle silver starlight.
Everything had been right with the world then.
It had all since fallen apart.
But Kaveh was happier now. That’s what all his friends had said. He found himself not long after he let Alhaitham go.
And Alhaitham wished he could’ve considered it good news, but he was guilty of reading between the lines. He knew what that really meant. He’d been the one holding Kaveh back all along. The moment Alhaitham was out of the picture, Kaveh discovered the missing puzzle piece he needed to complete himself. As if Alhaitham was the one that had hidden it from him. As if he’d done it on purpose.
Alhaitham wasn’t expecting to see Kaveh that night either, though that’s not to say he wasn’t hoping to.
Ever since they’d broken up, Alhaitham swore Kaveh was everywhere. A ghostly apparition in the mirror Alhaitham never liked looking into anyway, a fleeting flash of golden hair in his peripheral vision that vanished the moment he turned his head to look, a slender shadow on the wall beckoning to him, taunting him… if Alhaitham didn’t know any better, he’d think Kaveh’s spirit was haunting him.
It was enough that Alhaitham couldn’t help craving for the real thing. If he laid eyes on Kaveh just one more time, even if only for a second, Alhaitham was certain it would frighten the ghost away.
But there was a part of Alhaitham that loathed the idea of seeing Kaveh again. Of seeing that pristine image that had once held Alhaitham’s fascinated attention so tenderly, fractured now by all the broken promises of love, solidarity, and eternity.
That was why Alhaitham didn’t know how to feel — or if he even felt anything at all — when he caught sight of that vengeful wraith that had been haunting his waking world for years now. Only this time, it didn’t disappear. It remained, flitting lightly across the ballroom in a flurry of colorful, expensive fabrics, drawing every eye in the room to its fluid elegance without much effort at all.
It… he… was so perfectly familiar in all the ways Alhaitham hated. Unblemished skin that never seemed to age, golden hair that shone like polished metal under the light cast over the vast space by crystal chandeliers, amber eyes that glimmered with the essence of an all-consuming wildfire… Kaveh had it all.
Alhaitham found himself painfully reminded of the bottomless pit that had opened up in his chest where his heart used to be before Kaveh ripped it out with his teeth.
Maybe Alhaitham didn’t really want to see Kaveh tonight.
But deep down, Alhaitham was aware that if he knew Kaveh would be attending this particular formal event, Alhaitham still would’ve gone anyway. It wouldn’t have kept him home.
Alhaitham’s eyes followed Kaveh with practiced ease as he drifted from one end of the grand ballroom to the other, beautiful as a walking reminder of lost love could ever be. As always, Kaveh was never content with staying in one place. He drifted from person to person in the assembled crowd weaving between and around each other, stopping only for a sparse few moments to engage in some meaningless small talk before moving on to the next individual that caught his eye.
Like a ship without an anchor, Kaveh never did settle for anybody even in the most casual of settings. Perhaps that was where things had gone wrong. Alhaitham had foolishly assumed that he would be Kaveh’s endgame. But if Kaveh was an anchorless ship at sea, Alhaitham was the ocean floor to which Kaveh would never be bound.
Watching Kaveh seemed to be doing Alhaitham much more harm than good, but he couldn’t pry his eyes away from that flighty creature that had once been the object that held all of his affection.
Even now, it seemed Kaveh was the focal point of Alhaitham’s undivided attention. How pathetic was that? Did Kaveh know just how much damage he’d done? Was he aware that he had managed to crack Alhaitham’s stone heart right down the middle?
It was so morbidly amusing to Alhaitham that the one thing that had made him feel whole was also the thing that had broken him. The most beautiful thing he had ever seen was the very thing that blinded him.
Maybe he would be better off looking at something else. The sight of Kaveh so idly chattering away with strangers was beginning to make Alhaitham feel nauseous, though he couldn’t tell if he was sick with disgust or sick with longing for that which once was but would never be again.
So, Alhaitham forced himself to look away.
He studied the ballroom instead, taking in the opulent setting that he felt distinctly out of place in. Everything fell under Alhaitham’s scrutiny from the polished marble floors rippling with distorted reflections of light and passersby to the shimmering outlines of vast crystal chandeliers dangling motionlessly from the ceiling. All of this was nearly drowned out by the sea of unfamiliar Sumerian faces decked out in their finest attire consisting of vividly colored fabrics and flashy jewelry. Their voices were high and jovial, sharp peals of laughter punctuating the buzz of conversation in the air. The smell of exotic spices pricked at Alhaitham’s nose; the source of which was likely the extensive array of steaming cuisine heaped on silver platters lining an intricately carved mahogany table that stretched nearly halfway across the wall it was propped against.
Alhaitham spotted Cyno in the crowd, awkwardly fumbling his way toward the buffet table with his hands jammed into the front pockets of the suit he was obviously very uncomfortable with wearing as it contrasted so heavily against his usual desert-friendly attire. The poor bastard looked dangerously close to ripping the long, thick sleeves of his suit clean off so he could have room to breathe in there.
Further examination of the crowd brought Alhaitham a fleeting glimpse of Tighnari’s long, pointed ears poking out above the handful of women clad in poofy ballroom gowns that were standing in front of him, blocking him from view.
In all honesty, Alhaitham couldn’t even remember what this formal event was all about. He’d been invited months ago and promptly ditched the invitation in the nearest wastebasket. From that point onward, he had forgotten it even existed until Tighnari reminded him the night before and very prudently told him that he was expected to make an appearance. Alhaitham couldn’t imagine why. He didn’t want to be seen, and he was certain the vast majority of people did not want to see him either.
Maybe this was all a big setup, Alhaitham found himself thinking as he glared daggers at Tighnari’s ears. Tighnari and Cyno had been incredibly distraught when they heard about the breakup a few years ago and had made it their personal mission to try and bring Kaveh and Alhaitham within close physical proximity of each other as often as possible from that point onward. It hadn’t worked. Alhaitham hadn’t seen Kaveh once since he’d sat Alhaitham down and whispered to him in a soft, tearful voice that the relationship Alhaitham had worked so hard to cultivate between the two of them was over.
Why? Kaveh had never truly given Alhaitham a straight answer.
Alhaitham’s eyes wandered back to Kaveh then, who had already moved on to yet another conversation partner. He was a little closer now to the little round table near the back of the room where Alhaitham had been containing himself for the last hour or so, rooted to his chair as if he’d gone and turned to stone, surveying the crowd in silence.
If Alhaitham strained his ears, he could hear Kaveh’s sweet, musical voice rising and falling effortlessly in silken tones. He wasn’t quite close enough that Alhaitham could make out any distinct words or phrases over the incessant roar of the crowd, but hearing his voice again for the first time in years was more than enough to shatter Alhaitham’s heart a thousand times over.
That same voice had spoken to Alhaitham so kindly once. That same voice had been omnipresent throughout his life. Appreciating him, comforting him, cherishing him, leaving him…
There was no point in mulling it over now, was there? It was already done. Kaveh was gone. He was never coming back.
But Alhaitham couldn’t pry his gaze away this time. Some selfish, utterly pathetic part of him was hoping against hope that Kaveh would turn his head just a little to the left, that those amber eyes of his would wander just so until they met Alhaitham’s.
Would anything change should their eyes meet? No. Alhaitham knew that. But he still wanted Kaveh to acknowledge his presence anyway.
Alhaitham had just managed to convince himself to look away from that blond-haired image of shattered trust when he heard rather than saw the moment Kaveh finally looked at him and realized he was there.
That crystalline voice stuttered just slightly between syllables, indicating that Kaveh had seen something rather unsettling that had interrupted his natural flow of conversation with the other unknown person. Alhaitham knew right away without having to be told that he was the anomaly that had appeared in Kaveh’s world. A world that was complete so long as Alhaitham wasn’t in it.
When their eyes met… nothing changed. As expected. But Alhaitham couldn’t help feeling a tinge of disappointment anyway. The fireworks that used to go off in his brain – filling him with color and light whenever he looked at that little piece of heaven that had once been his – simply weren’t there anymore.
Good, Alhaitham thought.
That was all the confirmation he needed to finally move on.
And then the music started, and whatever sense of reason had gripped Alhaitham for a moment was gone again. Just like that, he was lost.
It was a slow song, struck up by the band that had been huddled near the back half of the ballroom just out of Alhaitham’s line of sight. Through the skilled work of a violinist, a rather melancholic tune was being woven out into the air. Or at least Alhaitham thought it was melancholic. He soon came to learn that the opposite was true, as that same tune had spurred on every couple in the room to begin linking together and gravitating toward the space that had been cleared for dancing in the center of the massive room.
Maybe that was why Alhaitham thought it was melancholic. It was a love song. He associated love with loss and the madness of grief that had consumed his being.
All thanks to Kaveh, who was currently walking toward Alhaitham with his jaw set in a grimly determined line that spelled out trouble.
Alhaitham was sorely tempted to get up and walk out right there. Hadn’t he just concluded that he was ready to move on now? That he wanted nothing to do with the ghost of his past any longer? It had been years now, hadn’t it? He could live without Kaveh. The feeling was supposed to be mutual.
But, as always, Kaveh’s fiery, willful gaze had pinned Alhaitham in place, rooting him to his seat. He wanted – no, he needed to know what would happen next. The broken fragments that had once been his heart were begging him to let this moment play out rather than allowing it to slide through his fingers as he made a hasty escape.
Despite all the years of radio silence that had gone by, Alhaitham found he was still just as transfixed by Kaveh’s existence alone as he had been before.
How hopeless. How illogical. How pathetic.
When Kaveh took his stand just a foot or two away from the little round table – so close Alhaitham could just reach out and touch him if he wished, how daunting a concept that was – Alhaitham managed to gather his wits about himself enough to pry his eyes away and fix them on the wall to his right instead.
Kaveh didn’t speak a single word. Alhaitham couldn’t decide whether he was disappointed or relieved.
But as it turned out, Kaveh didn’t need to speak. He stretched out his hand toward the other in a silent invitation to dance, those piercing amber eyes of his burning holes into Alhaitham’s skin.
It would be so easy to say no, or to say nothing at all and let Kaveh walk away empty-handed. To reject him in the same way he’d rejected Alhaitham. It would also be closing the door on their past relationship forever. A door that Alhaitham selfishly wanted to keep open as if it would change anything.
He knew it wouldn’t.
He still took Kaveh’s hand anyway.
The next thing Alhaitham knew, he was on his feet, being pulled through the crowd to the center of the room where the other couples had already begun to sway together in gentle, rhythmic patterns. The light whispering swishes of fabric against fabric accentuated the silvery tones of music pulsating in the air as the dancers glided together, occasionally dipping their partners backward over a knee or spinning each other around.
Alhaitham had never been much of a dancer, though that wasn’t to say he didn’t know how. He had a basic idea of where to put his hands and how to move his feet. It wasn’t anywhere near as fancy as what some of the other people in the room were doing, but he knew that Kaveh never would’ve invited him to dance if he’d been expecting something flashy and complex.
How tragic that they knew each other so well despite the stone wall between them that was impossible to scale.
Alhaitham brought one hand to Kaveh’s hip, the bone sharply jutting out away from his skin. Ah, well. Alhaitham knew that Kaveh had always been on the bony side. The familiarity was still jarring nonetheless. Kaveh splayed his opposite hand over Alhaitham’s shoulder and joined their free hands together, interlacing their fingers. And just like that, they were off.
Alhaitham tried to move in the simple square dance pattern he knew, wanting to keep things simple so he wouldn’t trip over his own feet and make a fool of himself. He should’ve known Kaveh wouldn’t be content with this arrangement forever, as it was only a matter of seconds before Kaveh was spinning off to one side, taking the lead and guiding Alhaitham by the hand through a series of more complex steps that left him teetering on the edge of fumbling, never letting him settle for so much as a single second.
The melodic clicking of Kaveh’s heeled boots against the polished marble floor kept Alhaitham in a sort of dazed trance all the while. He swore he was dreaming. This had to be a dream.
It was all familiar, from the faint lavender scent wafting off of Kaveh’s hair to the fluid grace he possessed that allowed him to flit across the ballroom with enviable grace, drawing every eye to him and holding them captive there.
They moved together so easily as if there wasn’t a trail of gore dragging behind them from all the damage they’d done to each other. As Alhaitham lifted his arm and spun Kaveh around, watching as his silken top floated around his body like a pair of butterfly wings with his movement, Alhaitham felt as though the bottomless chasm where his heart used to be had shrunk a little.
All the questions Alhaitham wished he could ask were caught on his tongue.
How have you been? Where have you been?
Why did you disappear?
But deep down, Alhaitham knew that those questions would only serve to rip the stitches out of wounds that should’ve healed over and scarred by now yet were still incredibly fresh as though they’d just happened five minutes ago.
So, to preserve what was left of his sanity, he remained silent and resolved to just enjoy this fleeting moment while it lasted.
Kaveh didn’t seem interested in speaking either. They had reached a sort of unspoken agreement to remain silent for fear that any spoken words would shatter the incredibly thin ice they’d found themselves on. Beneath the ice, an inky blackness that embodied all the loneliness and pain Alhaitham had been left alone with was stirring. It was an ugly thing with sharp teeth. It was best to leave it beneath the ice where it belonged.
Around and around they went, weaving between the other couples in the ballroom, swaying together in time to the music.
Kaveh’s face was a whirlwind of emotion that Alhaitham didn’t recognize. There was something undeniably hopeless in those amber eyes of his, and that glimmer of fascination that used to be there whenever he looked at Alhaitham was gone. The corners of Kaveh’s mouth kept twitching upwards in something of a melancholic smile, then downwards in an almost-frown as he grappled with what never would be again.
And it was all Kaveh’s fault. He seemed to know that.
He didn’t apologize, and he never would because he didn’t regret it. He would do it again in an instant.
The music reached a rather deafening crescendo that had everyone in the ballroom whirling around like tops, spinning away from their dance partner. Kaveh spun away too, leaving Alhaitham with his arms outstretched in longing, watching as that blond beauty that had shown him what it meant to be loved for who he was vanished into the crowd.
Alhaitham couldn’t hear the music over the dull throbbing of his heart pounding in his ears.
Then Kaveh spun back, seeming to rematerialize out of thin air, and joined hands with Alhaitham again just as the music finally stopped.
There was a moment of silence. Alhaitham opened his mouth to speak. To ask all those questions burning his tongue and scorching the inside of his mouth.
But then the room was flooded with thunderous applause from the dancers and onlookers alike, and all the oxygen in Alhaitham’s body was sucked right out of him in an instant.
It was best to stay silent. He wouldn’t be heard anyway.
Kaveh offered Alhaitham a thin smile that flickered unsteadily like a lit candle in a windstorm, bringing one of Alhaitham’s large, calloused hands to his lips and pressing a feather-light kiss to the third knuckle.
Alhaitham’s breath caught in his throat.
Something in that bottomless pit gaping wide open in his chest began to flutter.
Then, Kaveh let go of Alhaitham’s hands, spun sharply on his heels, and walked right out of Alhaitham’s life again.