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he should have noticed sooner. that was all he could think. maybe if he’d noticed that suguru was getting worse after everything, then things wouldn’t have progressed the way they had. but he’d been blind, consumed by fine tuning his cursed energy that he’d let his best friend slip through the cracks. the moment that yaga had told him of what the man had done, he’d been in heavy denial. there was no way the suguru geto that he knew was to blame for what had occurred.
and yet he had been. the village had been destroyed, every resident killed, all by the hands of his best friend. it wasn’t right. that was when he realized how he’d fucked up.
suguru had clearly needed help after the death of riko amanai. looking back, he can see all the signs of someone spiraling. when they’d lost haibara, things had been so rough for all of them that he hadn’t seen just how much it broke the man as must as it did him. despite having the six eyes, he hadn’t even been able to see the way the man was falling apart until it was too late.
or was it?
there was hope, though only a small flicker of it, there was some. he could only believe in that as he set out to search for him. though finding him certainly proved to be difficult.
it isn’t until shoko gives him a call that he knows where the man is. when he arrives, there’s nothing but rage that filters through him. the anger burns through his veins, blazing a path beneath his skin that has him on edge.
‘ explain yourself, suguru. ’
it’s the first thing that escapes, eyes wide and brows furrowed as he stares at him. he wants to know why the man thought the way he did, why he felt the need to act upon the feelings that had been filtering through his mind. he wants to understand why he’d not asked for help.
‘ i’m not sure what you want me to say. surely you already know. ’
the answer does nothing to quell the burn inside. if anything it makes it hotter, makes satoru feel like his skin is ready to melt away from muscle and bone. he hates it, hates the whole situation. but deep down he knows he doesn’t hate him. never, could he hate him no matter what he did, even on such a large scale like this.
‘ that’s not an answer. c’mon, talk to me. ’
there’s a charge to the air between them. words unspoken, things kept buried. suguru hadn’t been the only one hiding things from people. when the other doesn’t answer, satoru takes a step forward, swallowing as he meets the man’s gaze.
‘ you once told me you were against killing with no meaning. what happened to that? ’
‘ but there is meaning, satoru. ’ even now the sound of his name from the man’s tongue soothed his soul. ‘ just because you don’t see my vision doesn’t mean that it’s not there. ’
‘ what meaning? there is no meaning to this! not to mention what you’re trying to do is impossible. ’
‘ that’s rather arrogant, don’t you think? after all, it’s possible for someone like you. ’
icy gaze widens, the warmth of his anger fading into the chill of fear. he was right, of course. if he wanted to wipe all of those people out and create a world where sorcerers were the only ones left, he could do it easily. but he didn’t. suguru was the reason that he’d even come around to believing that human lives were worth protecting at any cost. to see the very man stand before him now and say that they weren’t, it made his stomach twist.
‘ answer me this: are you the strongest because you’re gojo satoru? or are you gojo satoru because you’re the strongest? ’ a pause, the other’s fingers flexing at his sides as he stares at him. ‘ if i could become you, then even this foolish ideal would be perfectly plausible, don’t you think? ’
the anger bubbles again, but it’s brief. the flame starts and is blown out instantly. instead, he feels sadness. it overwhelms him as he stares at his best friend. it makes his heart hurt to know that he’d fallen into such a state of being that he saw all of this as okay, all of this as the only way to move forward. he takes another step forward, trying to close the gap that had long since been created between the two of them ever since the death of riko.
‘ suguru…i…i’m here now. i know i wasn’t before. but i should’ve been. and i’m not going anywhere. i’m not gonna let that happen again. so please. come with me. let’s make this right. ’
perhaps it is a futile effort, trying to appeal to him. but he needs to try. satoru watches the other step forward, watches as he closes the gap between them completely and looks up at him. a hand raises, gentle as it comes to rest against his cheek. eyes widen as he stands still. there is no move to pull away or try to move from the touch. in fact, it takes everything in him not to lean into it. they stare at each other, almost as if searching for something in one another. after a minute, suguru seems to have made a decision and lets his hand drop from his face, a chill left against the area it had once rested.
‘ i’m sorry, satoru. i’ve made my decision on how to live. i just have to do what i can for the sake of it. ’
he turns then and starts off into the crowd. on instinct, satoru readies himself to use his technique. sensing it, suguru calls over his shoulder:
‘ kill me if you want. there’s meaning to that. ’
but he can’t. there were many things that satoru gojo could do but kill the one he loved was not one of them. he watches as the other disappears into the crowd, as he fades completely from sight. it takes him a while to trudge back to the school, where he settles on the stairs and just stares into the distance, lost in thought. so lost, in fact, he doesn’t hear yaga approach.
‘ why did you not chase him? ’
he doesn’t even bother looking up. ‘ are you really asking me that? ’
the silence that follows is enough of an answer for him. yaga walks off and while satoru wishes to ask him things, he can’t bring himself to exert the energy. instead, he goes back at staring at nothing, allowing his mind to wander. except the only thing he can think of is suguru.
i’ll bring you back to my side, suguru. just you wait.
a silent promise to himself and to the one that meant everything to him.