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She wasn’t sure if it was a desire for drama or bile fascination that kept her watching the video, but in the end, Ash just felt more convinced about simulacrum superiority over mankind than she already had. She had to double check that this wasn’t a Black Friday video, which was already a sad state of affairs in her mind, but when she saw the date was a week ago, she shook her head with pity. People fighting over limited edition cups, and why? Because someone in the Apex Games had endorsed them? She was pretty sure Catalyst never even signed on to endorse Steel Pony cups and only found out she was endorsing them after the first ad aired. Such was how their endorsements worked, where half the time your agent made a deal and ‘forgot’ to tell you.
The cups previously held a niche with titan pilots and were marketed as being able to fit in a titan’s cupholder and being durable enough for active combat, so Ash was familiar with them. Honestly, she was never impressed. They had tacky patterns and they leaked, and if your titan ever got knocked over or went airborne for any reason, they’d fall out of the cupholder and get water all over the inside of your cockpit. She preferred the kind of cups with a magnetic bottom that stayed in place.
Catalyst herself had said they were overrated as she examined the promotional cup she’d been gifted. She demonstrated the infamous leakage by overturning it over the table until Caustic asked her to please stop pouring water all over his notes.
The tacky patterning on the Valentine’s Day special cups wasn’t even that cute. It was just a bunch of hearts in a color combination that looked like someone drank Pepto Bismol and threw up blood. At least the Catalyst edition one had a fairly cool looking design of a black cat sitting on a moon, but those sold out within an hour of the sale going live.
Speaking of Valentine’s Day, Revenant had been in the kitchen for quite a while now. He’d answered the door and carried a mysterious package in there, telling her not to come in until he called her because it was a surprise. Honestly, she was starting to wonder if the package contained drugs at this point and the surprise was that he started a meth empire.
She was in the middle of watching another particularly shameful video of a lady pepper spraying a security guard before hopping in a car with a bunch of stolen cups when Revenant finally reappeared.
“Ash! You can come in the kitchen now! I got your Valentine’s Day gift all set up!”
Ash shut the laptop and sat for a moment, having a feeling of dread over what she was about to walk into, and she didn’t know why. She pulled her hood back up and finally walked to the kitchen.
“It had better not be one of those stupid cups,” she said.
“No! It’s better!” he replied.
A second later, she saw what he got her and said, “Kaleb, what the hell?”
Valentine’s Day was truly a special time of the year. It was the day where new loves were forged, old loves were rekindled, and lost loves were mourned over tubs of ice cream. It was the day where Loba had to wear a hazmat suit to dispose of most of her fanmail. The next day would be when Mirage and Octane both bought discount chocolate in bulk, but today? Today was Valentine’s Day!
“You got me a little sausage hund?”
Fuse watched Bloodhound squeezing all of the stuffing out of it. “I’m glad that you seem to like it, Houndy,” he said with a smile.
Bloodhound was squeeing over the plush dachshund Fuse had given them. He clearly hadn’t forgotten that they still wanted one, ever since they’d seen that one weenie dog race. Unfortunately, Artur was quite a jealous creature, and he refused to share Bloodhound’s attention with another animal, so this would have to do.
“Wait. It gets better!” he said.
“What could be better than this?”
He pulled a second plush dachshund out from under the table. “This one’s mine!”
When he tapped its face against Bloodhound’s, they both magnetically locked in a kiss. Bloodhound started squeeing when they had adorable overload, and Artur flinched on the other end of the table from the noise.
Wraith must have shrank to half her size in her seat as a reaction to the sound. “I had no idea your voice could go that high,” she admitted.
“I did,” Fuse replied.
“Walter!” Bloodhound shouted.
Pathfinder sat at the table with a coloring book and the gift that Mirage had gotten him.
“What did you get for Valentine’s Day, Pathfinder?” Wraith asked.
“Crayons,” he replied before dumping them out on the table. “And a coloring book. It has dinosaurs in it!”
All Wraith could think of was how Revenant had ruined every single coloring book Pathfinder had by getting ahold of them and drawing penises and bondage gear on all the figures. One time he used Crayola Twistables to turn a whimsical depiction of teddy bears having a picnic into a gory, nightmarish hellscape inspired by Hieronymus Bosch. She just wondered how long it would take for Pathfinder to open his brand new dinosaur coloring book to find he recreated a scene from Jurassic Park.
Pathfinder looked up when he heard Caustic at the coffee maker. “What did you get for Valentine’s Day, Caustic?”
Caustic slowly turned around, his mood darkened by Pathfinder’s presence. “I don’t entertain such banal festivities.”
“You don’t what?” Pathfinder asked.
Fuse replied, “It means he doesn’t get any bitches.”
Caustic glared at him, but Bloodhound whipped out an axe before he could react.
“Do you wish to lose more fingers?” Bloodhound asked as they stared him down. Fuse had an innocent smile on his face.
Caustic just replied, “Your dog can’t protect you all the time, Fitzroy.”
Everyone else seemed to be having a rather good day until they heard Ash’s bitter, mechanical voice coming up the hallway. Pathfinder looked up from his coloring book and seemed far happier to hear her coming than everyone else did. Wherever Ash was, Revenant was sure to follow, and whenever Revenant was around, the mood always just seemed to sour.
Ash walked in, carrying a small fish tank with a worm swimming around inside of it. “I need a volunteer to help me feed my pet leech.”
Wraith quickly stood up and backed away. “Why do you even have a pet leech?”
Ash just looked at the leech swimming around in the tank and then looked at Revenant.
“What? I asked you what you wanted for Valentine’s Day, and you didn’t give me an answer!” Revenant said.
“I said ‘surprise me’!”
“And you looked pretty surprised when I gave you a leech, so I feel like I understood the assignment!”
Horizon waltzed in and tried to pay Ash no mind as she set her cup on the table. Ash’s gaze centered on her cup. Tacky little hearts…a pony-shaped logo…Horizon had one of those fugly Valentine’s Day Steel Pony cups. Ash must have been staring, because suddenly Horizon couldn’t ignore her anymore.
“Why are you looking at my cup like that?” she asked.
“You mean your chintzy little fad cup? That cup?” Ash asked, making sure that her voice sounded as bitter and judgmental about the cup as possible.
“I needed a new coffee mug because I accidentally sent my last one into orbit and can’t get it back, and I saw this one on sale, and I thought it was cute, so I bought it. I had no idea it was apparently a fad until after I bought it.”
“Sure you didn’t,” Ash replied.
“Really, I didn’t, at least not until Tressa said something about it.” Horizon looked at the aquarium that Ash had set on the table and looked disgusted when she saw what was swimming in it. “Is that a leech?”
Ash grabbed the aquarium and hissed, “Your blood is not good enough for her!” before she left to find someone else to feed her new pet.
Once she was gone, everyone turned to look at Revenant.
“I understood the assignment!” he insisted.
Between Horizon and another disappointing Valentine’s Day, Ash was seething. She was rather rough with Mirage when she grabbed his arm, pushed his sleeve up, and held it in place with an iron grip.
“Uh, Ash? What are you doing?” he asked.
She started complaining as she reached into the tank and grabbed the slippery worm inside it. “I don’t even know what I expected. I always keep my expectations low, and yet I’m still left disappointed.”
“Is…is that a leech?” he said before he felt it bite his arm.
Mirage instinctively tried to pull the leech off, but Ash slapped his hand away. “Don’t touch it. She won’t give you any diseases, she’s medical grade.” She heaved a huge sigh. “I’m not sure why I expect better. He’s never really been the romantic type. His idea of romance is texting me an eggplant and a donut emoji…”
Mirage started to feel woozy and the room started spinning as he watched the bloodsucking parasite feeding on him. “I…I don’t feel so good,” he said.
“She should be done soon. She’ll pop off on her own once she’s done feeding.” She tapped her fingers against the side of the aquarium as she pondered in thought. “Perhaps I shouldn’t let him pick my gifts out anymore. Clearly he cannot be trusted with such a simple decision.”
Mirage suddenly wavered and fell out of his chair. He was out like a light before he even hit the floor. Ash quickly grabbed his arm and turned it to look for her pet.
“You better not have squished my leech!” she said.
Revenant stepped out into traffic, ignoring the honking of horns and screeching of tires as he caused a fender bender. He crossed the street at his own pace, not even paying any mind to the people who were now shouting at him for walking into the street without even looking both ways first.
Fuse winced when he saw the car wrapped around the streetlight after swerving to avoid hitting him.
“It’s been that kinda day, eh?”
“Nah, I just didn’t feel like waiting for the light to change again,” Revenant admitted.
He spotted one half of the kissing dachshunds sticking out of Fuse’s pocket and suddenly his mood soured. Fuse realized what he was looking at and quickly pieced together the problem.
“She wasn’t really too keen on your gift, huh?”
“She never is. She has impossibly high standards, so no matter what I get her, it’s never good enough!”
“Or maybe she’s just upset because you got her a parasitic worm.”
“She likes parasites! She finds them fascinating! Why do you think she’s dating me?”
Fuse bit his tongue to avoid making an offensive comment. “Maybe you should find some way to make it up to her? Maybe watch her favorite movie with her, or take her somewhere she likes?”
Revenant barely heard him. He was checking his funds on his phone and realized that they were low again due to his poor impulse control when it came to spending on digital media and gifts for Ash’s rat.
“Dammit, I don’t even have enough leftover for a bus pass,” he grumbled.
“Need me to spot ya a couple dollars?” Fuse offered. He’d never see that money again, but a lot of legends learned a while ago that small favors could buy them some reprieve from Revenant’s behavior, at least only for a little while.
“Neh. I’ll just grab an Uber.”
“How are ya gonna afford-”
“And by Uber, I mean I’ll just steal a truck.”
Revenant stepped out into the road again and watched the truck screech on its breaks. Fuse watched in shock, half expecting to see Revenant exploding into a sparking pile of circuitry, and was amazed when the truck stopped at the right moment.
“Thanks for the advice. I’ll see you later,” he said before carjacking the driver and driving off.
Revenant tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. He looked into the cup holder and spotted a Steel Pony mug. He chuckled ironically. Those stupid mugs were everywhere, ever since Catalyst had unwittingly become their poster child. He was indifferent to them, but Ash seemed offended by anything that became a fad. He secretly watched videos by the retired titan pilot, Jack Cooper, behind his girlfriend’s back (she wouldn’t tell him why she hated that guy so much, but she’d kill him if she knew he was watching them), and he apparently rejected an endorsement because he didn’t like the cups and how they were always falling out of the cupholder in combat and easily cracked despite being marketed as incredibly durable, so he knew they weren’t really anything special.
That was when he looked in the side mirror and noticed something on the side of the truck. He stopped abruptly, causing three cars to pile up behind him, and looked out the window at the art painted on the side of the vehicle. He hadn’t stolen just any truck…he’d stolen a shipment of Steel Pony cups!
His optics lit up when he suddenly had an idea.
“Oh Ash-leigh! I have another gift for you!”
Ash sat on the couch petting her leech like it was a contented cat, her rat eating a pistachio on her shoulder.
“You’re late getting home,” she said without even sparing him a glance.
“On the contrary, I got back before you. I was just setting up your surprise!”
She looked at her leech and said, “No thank you, I think I’m all surprised out.”
He ran into the room with a small, rattling box and took the leech from her, depositing it back into the tank.
“Oh come on, I know you’re going to love this gift because I actually thought this one through!”
With the excited look of someone who genuinely thought he’d found the perfect gift for his girlfriend, Revenant sat on the couch beside her and shoved the box into her hands. She shook it, hearing something rattling around inside. Opening it, she saw what was in it and heaved a sigh.
It was a pastel Steel cup covered in tacky red hearts, with a pony-shaped logo on the front. She removed it from the box and looked annoyed as she examined it.
“Is this a Steel Pony cup?” she sighed.
“That’s not just any Steel Pony cup! That’s the super limited edition Valentine’s Day cup!”
“Kaleb, you know I think these things are tacky and worthless.”
“That’s not the only one I got you!” he replied excitedly.
“You…got me more Steel Pony cups?” she asked. She took it back. The leech was a perfect gift. She would never question the leech again.
Revenant took her by the hands and pulled her to her feet. He led her to the maintenance stairwell, which he had propped open with another Steel Pony cup, and dragged her up onto the apartment roof.
Ash was astounded by all the chintzy cups in a variety of colors and patterns. They were propped up on crates, hanging from wires, piled in pyramids, lined up, stacked up, and displayed every which way.
“How much did you pay for these?” she asked, dreading the answer.
“I borrowed a truck,” Revenant replied. “Then when I realized what was inside it, I knew the perfect, belated Valentine’s Day gift to give you!”
“So you gave me several dozen stolen garbage fad cups that have as much worth as Teenie Babies plush toys.” She spotted something propped up on a tripod. “Is that a camera?”
“I wanted to film this moment so we can put it on the internet!”
She looked around at the odd display when something occurred to her. The camera. The strategic placement of the cups. The idea that Revenant wanted to film this moment at all, while fully knowing damn well how little she thought of fads and Steel Pony cups in general.
“Kaleb, is this a shooting range?” she asked.
When she turned around, he was offering her a choice of guns.
“Kraber or Mastiff?” he asked.
If her eyes could tear up, they would. “You even brought out the good guns for me?”
“Only the best for you, Dolly,” he said as he nudged her. “I also got a Spitfire around here if you want something with a little more bite.”
“We’re going to make so many people angry when we post this online!”
“That’s the point! Also, I have a confession…that super limited edition Valentine’s Day cup?”
“Yes?”
“I stole it from Horizon’s locker.”
Ash’s optics flickered in a way that seemed to imitate wateriness as she made a sniffling sound. “I take everything I said about you back. You are the best boyfriend ever.” She snatched the shotgun. “I want the Mastiff.”
He tossed Horizon’s pilfered cup into the air like a skeet shoot and watched Ash take it out with a well placed shot. It exploded, sending pieces of its tacky patterning flying in all directions. So much for being durable enough to last through titan combat.
“So you managed to hit one. Think you can hit another?”
She scoffed at his challenge. “With the way you set up this shooting range? It will be all too easy to hit everything.”
He waited for her to pull the trigger and shouted, “Not if I do this first!” and grabbed her from behind, causing her to miss and shoot a bird.
“You’re really going to do that when I have a gun in my hand?”
“What’s the worst thing you could do, accidentally kill me?”
“No, I might kill you on purpose.”
He laughed and grabbed the Spitfire. “Step aside. I’m a better shot than you, anyway.”
“It’s a Spitfire. You don’t have to have good aim, you just have to have enough ammo.”
He took out a row of cups and gestured towards his girlfriend. “Now you.”
“You got a handgun in that arsenal? I bet I could take out more than you using only a P2020.”
“Ha! Well it just so happens that I have one right here, Ms. Perfect!”
“You’re not going to be so smug at the end of the night when I destroy way more cups than you, that’s for sure!” Ash said, loudly enough that it would be picked up by the camera.
At the sound of gunshots and laughter outside, the landlord’s wife did the exact opposite of what you should do in such a situation and looked out the window towards the apartment across the street.
“Honey, there’s a Steel Pony truck overturned on the lawn, and that simulacra couple you rent to are on the roof of the building, playing with guns.”
The landlord just flipped through the channels, trying to find something to watch that wasn’t romance themed, and said, “Just ignore it, honey. Eventually the police will take care of it.”