Archive of Our Own ^beta

you were basically getting dragged back to the TARDIS.

You could just feel the anger radiating off of the Doctor.

he slammed the doors closed behind him as he pushed the two of you inside the ship, walking straight to the console and leaning against it.

You were honestly…kind of scared.

You were scared you were going to get yelled at. You were always scared you were going to get yelled at. All your life, you could never stomach it. You’d break down and cry, cry and cry.

Except, no one was there to comfort you then. When you were young. When you were a child. No. No, they’d say that there was no reason for you to get upset, or that if you were crying then you must be lying.

So all your life you grew up in absolute fear of getting yelled at, or talked to in that specific tone of voice.

You looked up at the Doctor. It’d been a few minutes. He hasn’t said anything.

But you could feel the tension in the room.

The anger.

Finally, he spoke up.

“Y/N, what the hell was that?”

You froze. From your spot where you were standing, a few feet away from him, you froze.

“What were you thinking?! You could’ve gotten yourself hurt.”

You looked down at the floor.

You knew you had messed up with what you did, but hearing it from him…hearing it from the man you loved …

Stop it, please stop it.

“You could’ve gotten killed! For what? Why did you even do that in the first place?!”

And now he’s asked a question.

Questions were worst. They made it worse. It was always why, or what would you do. And you never had a “correct” answer for them.

You fought back tears.

“I asked you a question.”

You sucked in a shaky breath and crossed your arms over your chest.

“I…I d-don’t know.”

There was a moment of silence.

You were trying not to cry so hard your entire head hurt and your throat felt like it was going to collapse.

“You don’t…”

He paused for a minute.

“You don’t know? ! ”

The Doctors voice was loud and upset.

I don’t know. I’m sorry. I swear I’m sorry I didn’t mean for it to happen.

You wondered if he was looking at you. If he was, he was probably annoyed.

“How do you not know?! You were the one doing it!”

Of course he said that. They always said that. That “I don’t know” wasn’t a real answer and that you needed to “tell the truth” even though you were.

Now, the tears finally came. Broke through as you fought back a sob. Your throat felt like it was being ripped apart from the inside.

You assumed he wasn’t looking at you because he never said anything as the tears streamed down your face.

“Why would you do something like that? Did you not think about what couple happened? The thousand things that could’ve gone wrong? ”

Tears fell faster, dripping down your face and onto your neck.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.

“What? Do you just not care? Not care about what could happen to you?”

You inhaled a shaky breath and a sob a little too loud for your liking slipped out.

God, now look at you. He probably thinks your a wimp. He probably hates you. He’d probably be happy if you died. If he found you laying sprawled on the bathroom floor, he’d-

“Y/N?”

You didn’t dare look up.

“Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

Footsteps.

There were feet in front of you. Hands on your shoulders.

“Y/N, please. Why are you crying?”

You were too wrapped up in your own self pity and loathing to notice the heavy hint of concern in his voice.

You just wanted to get away.

So, you pried yourself from the grip of the Doctor and ran.

“Wait! Y/N, oh-“

You heard him calling out for you but giving up when he realized you weren’t listening.

You did what you always did. Ran off into the bathroom, locked the door behind you. Curled up on the floor and cried.

You heaved in and out shaking sobs and covered your face with your arms. You cried so hard your head hurt and your eyes were so red and puffy that when you saw them you knew when you woke up the next morning you’d look terrible.

You looked up and just happened to notice the razor perched on the shelf next to the shower.

No. I don’t want to. I can’t. I’ve been clean for so long.

But there it was, sitting right in front of you just asking to be taken apart.

Just asking for you to remove the thin blades, snap them in half, and-

Knock knock.

Your head snapped up.

“Y/N. Please open the door.”

The concern in his voice finally registered to you, and you thought back to when you ran away from him.

He was worried. He was worried about me and I just-I just left. Why am I like this? I’m being ungrateful. He’s probably mad right now, he’s just not showing it because he feels to bad about it.

“Please. Just let me talk to you. I won’t yell. I’m sorry I yelled.”

You covered your face in your forearms once again and bit back a sob.

There was a buzz.

No. Don’t. Leave me alone. Let me be alone. Stop. Stop it.

The door creaked open. The familiar face of the Doctor poked his head in.

You didn’t look up to meet his worried gaze.

He walked up to you, kneeling down to sit beside your curled up body, leaning against the edge of the bathtub.

“Oh, Y/N…”

His voice was soft. Kind, almost.

You were surprised for some reason.

There were arms wrapping around your mess of a figure. A chin resting on your head.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

You sniffled and tried to stop crying.

You wanted to say it’s okay, it’s not his fault. But every time you tried to speak a painful lump formed in your throat and you had to try and stop crying again.

“Shh. It’s okay. Take your time, love.”

Love. He’s never called you that before. You wondered why he’d say something like that.

He’s probably just being nice.

You finally adjusted your position to sit on your knees, you back had started to hurt. You leaned your head against the Doctor’s chest, your hands gripping the sides of his suit tightly.

His arms wrapped around you tighter, pulling you closer.

You squeezed your eyes shut, pulling in yet another shaky breath. You had finally stopped crying, for the most part.

It probably wouldn’t last long.

“It’s okay. I promise it’s going to be okay.”

There was a pause.

“I was only mad because I was scared for you. Because I care about you. You know that, right?”

You nodded and tightened your grip on his now rumpled suit.

“I mean it. I’m sorry for getting upset at you.”

You tried to speak again.

“It…it’s okay. It’s not your f-fault. I just…”

That lump formed in your throat.

Dammit. Why is this so hard for you? Why can’t you just be able to talk normally?

“Just what? You can tell me.”

You took a deep breath and swallowed.

“I get why you were mad at me.”

“Just what, then?”

The Doctor repeated, pulling away slightly to look at you. You missed his warmth almost immediately.

“I just don’t like getting yelled at.”

You kept your gaze angled down, staring at the floor as you finally wiped your eyes with the sleeves of your jacket.

“Oh.”

He paused for a moment.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have yelled if I had known…”

Tears started to well up in your eyes again. At this point it was just annoying.

“It’s not your…”

You swallowed the lump in your throat.

“It’s not your f-fault you didn’t know.”

Your voice cracked.

Is it that hard to stop crying?

“Oh, darling, I know. I just hate to see you like this.”

He paused. He looked down at you, carefully placing two fingers below your chin and tilting it upwards to face him.

He didn’t say anything for a few moments, but his hand gently cupped your cheek and his thumb wiped the tears from your cheeks.

“I care about you. You know that, right?”

You nodded. Where was this going?

“I might even…care about you a bit too much.”

You blinked. What is he saying?

The slightest glimmer of hope ran through you, but for some reason you doubted yourself.

“I think I…”

“No…wait.”

“I know I love you.”

You stiffened.

You were shocked, to say the least.

He looked down at your surprised expression and a look of anxiety crossed his face.

“I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I-“

You cut his nervous rambling off.

“Don’t be.”

The Doctor’s eyes widened slightly.

“I love you too.”

He smiled. He looked down at you, his other hand that had been resting in his lap came up to cup the other side of your face.

You smiled too. Your face finally lit up and you smiled after so long of tears and sadness. You finally felt happy.

“There we go. I love that smile.”

He paused for a moment, and his smile faded slightly.

“Can I kiss you?”

The question kind of threw you off. It wasn’t something you were expecting at all.

“Um..yeah. Yeah.”

He seemed kind of uncertain about your response.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

He smiled again, carefully leaning forward and pressing his lips against yours.

It was gentle. Gentle and kind and passionate and he was kissing you like you were the only thing that mattered in the word. Kissing you like you were everything. He held you like you were something precious. He held you like you could be lost in an instant.

You kissed him back, of course. Your hands still held his suit, but they were beginning to hurt to you released the grip and wrapped your arms around him.

He pulled back eventually. He seemed reluctant, honestly.

“How was that?”

You smiled. Your cheeks were a soft pink now.

“Great. It was great.”

You pulled him closer, pressing your head against his chest and letting out a soft laugh.

“Thank you.”

The Doctor hugged you back, holding you firmly.

“You’re welcome, my love.”

“I mean it. Thank you for making me feel better.”

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

“Two heartbeats?”

He laughed.

“No, just one.”

“But you have two hearts.”

“I’d still do it in one.”

Now, you laughed. You laughed and tightened your grip on him.

You’d stay like this forever.