Work Text:
Scene opens on a city street late at night. It’s definitely past midnight, and the cool air of early fall has fallen over the city. Two tall, dirty, and worse for wear guys in their mid twenties are slowly walking down the dimly lit street.
Enter Dan and Phil
Dan
That is the tenth demon summoning this week, holy shit! We’re going to run out of stakes and holy water at this rate, Phil.
Phil
I feel like at this rate we would be better off just investing in some sort of squirt gun that we could fill with holy water. I’d also say we should get a nail gun and fire it at some demons, but I’ve seen you walk, okay. Also I’ve seen myself walk. Neither of us needs a nail gun in our lives. Wait a second you’re limping! What’s wrong?
Dan
No, don’t worry about me. I mean I did twist my knee around a bit when that last demon decided that it was actually Satan reincarnated, but I’ll deal with it. Hopefully that damn Louise won’t summon any more demons until Saturday, I need a bit of a break already. Sometimes sleep is necessary!
Phil
Okay, but I’m going to get out the med kit when we get back to our flat, I’m still worried about the state of that leg. It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t hurt all that much now, I have a feeling it will later.
Dan throws his hand in front of Phil, effectively stopping both of them in their tracks.
Dan
Do you hear that? I swear to god that I heard more of that creepy whispering. Lets be real, it’s always creepy whispering. If a demon attacked you while not laughing maniacally or while it was saying something nice, it wouldn’t even be scary. God, I hate my job. Phil, why did we decide to become demon hunters again?
Phil
Oh my god Dan shut up! If that really is another demon, it means that Louise has learned more powerful summoning spells. She’s pretty good at Latin, considering that it’s a dead language.
Dan
What if we caught her mid incantation and just mumbled Latin sounding words? I’ve always wondered if that would change anything. Wouldn’t that be great though, managing to actually completely screw up her creepy demon summoning ceremony?
Phil
I do think she has to have some sort of creepy pentagram, although I’ve never been entirely sure. I would bet that there are bad smelling candles involved, which has never made any sense to me. If I was a demon, I would be attracted to all the Christmas and vanilla smelling candles.
Dan
Only you would be attracted to nice smelling candles. I think your candle, houseplant, and cereal addictions are really starting to impact our collective lives to be honest. Also, to be fair, your obsessions are truly messing with our ability to hunt these stupid demons as we’ve just been stood stock still in the middle of the street for the past five minutes. What if that whispering was a new demon?
Phil draws a stake from the inside of his coat, awkwardly holding it in front of him. Dan pulls out a silver flask full of holy water out of his hoodie, and both of them continue walking slowly down the dark street.
Phil
You have to admit that this night so far has been a bit crazy. I thought we were finally going to get some time off after the nine other summonings this week, but apparently Louise doesn’t rest. Seriously, when does that lady sleep? Because we’ve barely slept as it is.
Dan
If only we got paid like normal people for this. I have no problem with this weird stipend from whatever freaky-deaky council controls demons, but lets be real, sometimes it would be really nice to call in sick. We should unionize; maybe we could get better pay that way. Or even vacation days. I just realized, what if we want to go to Japan, or America?
Phil
Dan, we literally went to both of those places in the last two months, or do you not remember? They didn’t give up vacation days; they simply expect us to deal with the demons wherever we happen to be at any given time. How much attention have you even paid to this job? Literally only you could possibly not recognize the fact that – what was that?
Both freeze, listening intently. When they speak again, it is in whispers.
Dan
I think it’s found us. Do you have the stake ready? I’ll uncap the holy water and we could maybe try our typical formation. Unless of course it’s one of her more terrifying demons, so if you see red from anywhere please shout because we’ll have to rethink this plan. Does that work for you?
Phil
Copy that.
Dan
Did you just see that?
Phil
The blurred red and orange? Yeah, I saw it. Looks like a lower level demon as well as a high level one, so we have to be on alert. As long as you don’t fall on one of them and I don’t trip over another one again we might be able to do this easily. Just kidding. But seriously maybe we can do this efficiently because I really, really want some cereal about now.
Dan
Fine. I’m going to baby proof the entire flat without hesitation if you accidentally almost stab yourself with that stake again. Or next time I’ll force you to carry the holy water; maybe you’ll be less likely to die that way, although I doubt it.
Phil
While we’re waiting for these stupid things to finally show themselves, can we just briefly discuss how weird it is that our weapons for actual demons consist of things that should probably only kill vampires? Like, this isn’t Twilight.
Dan
I know it’s quite odd to be honest. I do think it has to do with the fact that demons are significantly more like fictional vampires than people realize? Also with Britain’s gun laws I don’t think it would really be possible for us to carry firearms.
Phil
Can you imagine us carrying guns? I might cry at that image, that’s hilarious. It would be like playing Russian roulette with our lives every time we came within 10 feet of them.
The two demons show themselves truly for the first time, running down the street towards Dan and Phil.
Dan
Oh my god, duck! Don’t be stupid, duck and ram that spear up, they’re coming too fast for us!
Phil
I’m too tall to properly crouch; if they jump over us they’ll hit my hair! Now that would make me mad. The demon fight earlier didn’t even mess with my hair that much, so if this one does I’m going to see red.
Dan
You can’t see me right now since we’re both awkwardly bent over, but I’m rolling my eyes so hard at you. But if we’re telling the truth here, if they mess with my hair I’ll be proper pissed. I only just got my fringe right, and it never seems to want to stay but it did tonight, so if they mess with it they will have literal hell to pay.
Phil, chuckling.
When the puns have already started you know it’s going to be a successful demon battle.
An intense(ish) battle commences. Dan and Phil mostly lay on the ground in various positions, Dan throwing holy water while Phil randomly stabs the air. After a few minutes, the water hits a demon in the face and it begins to melt, and Phil’s stake gets thrown and inexplicably hits the higher-level demon in the heart, and it also starts to melt. Dan and Phil sit up.
Dan
So…that could’ve gone significantly worse. They didn’t even have any creepy messages from Hell or Satan or anything. I’m actually so disappointed right now; sometimes the things they say make good Tumblr text posts.
Phil
Lets just go home so we can bathe and get some of this gross demon goo off of us. The fight against Louise and her never-ending demon summoning is going to start again tomorrow. But for tonight we can get clean and get this crap off, and then spend a few hours watching Buffy before bed.
Dan
That way I can get my endless Tumblr scrolling and internet browsing in before bed We could also go to that little 24 hour diner and get some cereal if you really want it. And maybe tomorrow we can buy a squirt gun for that holy water…thanks Phil. You know me so well.
They exit the street, heading home as the sun starts to rise.