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Kel, Neal, and their small entourage from New Hope had arrived at Steadfast only a few days before the wedding. Kel had taken it upon herself to attend to Lord Raoul as he prepared for his nuptials, and Dom had been equally busy helping Flyn wrangle the men of Third Company into preparing for the big day. He had hoped he would get some time to speak to Kel on her own—they hadn’t seen each other since she had departed Mastiff to re-establish her refugee camp—but, as always, there just hadn’t been any opportunity to pull her aside. There had been a moment that first day when it seemed like she was trying to get him alone, but then Yuki had swept in with tears and hugs and offers of tea, and that had been that.
Dom was delighted, then, when Kel pushed her way through the crowd of revelers at the wedding reception to sit beside him on a bench at the edge of the mess hall. The mess was the only building at Steadfast big enough to house the celebration, and Third Company had decorated it with ingenuity and pride. Kel looked resplendent in a dress of Mindelan blue and silver brocade over a silver underdress. It was in the fashionable, Yamani-inspired cut, with a v-shaped neckline, graceful trumpet sleeves, with a broad sash at the waist. Dom appreciated how the gown emphasized her height and her beautiful, broad shoulders, and showed a hint of cleavage.
Kel handed him a cup of wine and kept some cider for herself. She sat so close their thighs were touching. She clinked their goblets together decisively and said, “You have a look on your face. Are you quite all right?”
“You look beautiful,” he said, and enjoyed watching her blush as he took a sip of wine.
“Well,” she said, and sipped her own drink. She looked out over the dancers in the center of the room and refused to look at him.
Dom pressed his leg more firmly against hers. “I’m glad you came to sit with me,” he said. “I was beginning to think I’d never see you again,” he sighed like a player on a stage. Kel smiled and shook her head.
“I’ve been trying to find time to—“ she paused and gestured vaguely between them. “It would be nice to sit and talk without worrying about kidnapping or Kinslayers, or the like.”
“I have to agree, Lady Knight,” Dom said warmly. Kel still wouldn’t look at him, but focused her eyes on the celebration like she’d never seen a party before and was planning to write a treatise on the subject. He tried a different tactic: “How are things at New Hope?”
This got her to smile at him, as planned. “It is going as well as it could be, I think. We’ve had to fend off a few raids, but the men have taken to hanging the shields and banners of the enemies they’ve defeated on the walls. It looks…” her eyes unfocused for a moment as she saw it in her mind’s eye, “It’s fearsome.”
“You’ve taught them well,” Dom said, proud of her. He could tell she was proud of them, too, when she didn’t try to dodge the compliment.
“The refugees are doing so well, even the new folks. It gives them pride to defend their new home,” Kel was glowing, even if her face looked impassive. “And the new convict soldiers have integrated smoothly. We got assigned quite a few additional squads after Vanget saw how well they did with me in Scanra.”
“And I’m sure some were clamoring for the assignment once word got around about those Magemarks disappearing,” Dom said knowingly. Kel nodded, thoughtfully.
“I’m pleased they’ve been pardoned. They deserve it,” She took another sip and looked at him sidelong. “Not sure how you heard about it, though.”
“My dearest cousin is a sieve, Lady Knight. He cannot keep anything to himself,” Dom laughed. “Especially when I’m the one asking.”
Kel looked him up and down. “And what else has my second-in-command told you?” She asked.
“Oh, I’ve become very well-informed on how good the Lady Yukimi’s perfume smells,” he said solemnly, and Kel nearly choked on her cider.
“Crucial intelligence,” She said drily between her coughs.
“It may very well turn the tide in the war,” Dom said, conspiratorially. He rubbed her back gently to help her clear her cough. “We will just send hundreds of lovesick letters doused in her perfume to men across Scanra and they’ll all give up fighting and go home to their wives.” He withdrew his hand as she regained her composure, but his palm tingled with the contact.
“Perhaps we should spray it from the battlements when they attack,” Kel suggested.
“Yes, yes, brilliant,” Dom agreed. “If its effects are universal, it will turn them all into Meatheaded fools.”
Kel laughed in earnest this time, and her hair glinted golden in the torchlight as she shook her head at him. “You’re ridiculous,” she scolded him.
“Ah, but you like it, Lady Knight,” he told her, waving a finger chidingly. Dom took one last sip of his wine and set it on the bench. He plucked Kel’s cider from her hand, as well, and set her goblet next to his.
“Dom—“ she started to ask.
“Dance with me,” he interrupted, leaning in close so that his lips almost brushed her ear. He pulled back to watch her blush again, and then took her hands in his and pulled her upright. “Just one,” he said as he led her to the center of the room.
“If I dance with you, Dom, all the men will want a turn!” She protested, but she didn’t resist.
“That, my darling, is a risk I’m willing to take,” he winked at her, and swung her into position with the other dancers. There were not many women at Steadfast, even with the Rider groups that had arrived for the wedding, so many of the men waited patiently along the sides while a smaller group of couples danced.
The dance was one Dom liked and involved a lot of spinning and stomping. Each couple had to promenade up and down the row of dancers in turn as the music got faster and faster. Dom savored the feel of his hand on the small of Kel’s back and her fingers clasped in his, and smiled when even his reserved Lady Knight laughed as they skipped up the row and back to their place.
He managed to keep her for one more song, this one a little more sedate. She rested her hand on his collarbone, and her thumb idly stroked the side of his neck as he led her through a gentle two-step that was popular in the North. He pulled her just a little closer than was strictly proper and indulged himself in memorizing the patterns of green and gold in her hazel eyes.
“Dom,” she said so only he could hear.
“Hm?”
“We should talk,” she said, and swallowed hard. “Later.”
He felt a stir of anxiety in his chest. Perhaps she wanted to let him down, then. He’d had no letters from her since he’d last seen her. He had told himself she was too busy to write, but maybe she had wanted to disappoint him in person. But why dance with me? Why seek me out for company and flirt with me, just to turn me down? A bolder part of him asked. It was always hard to tell what was going on behind those dreamer’s eyes.
“As you like, Lady Knight,” he said, and bowed to her as the dance ended. She looked like she was going to say something else to him, her gaze soft, but they were interrupted.
“Begging your pardon, Sergeant,” Lerant, of all people, cut in to bow to Kel. “Lady Knight, may I ask you the favor of a dance?”
Kel gave Dom her “I told you so” look before she curtseyed elegantly to Lerant and let him spin her away. Dom danced a few more turns with some of the girls from the Riders, and once with Yuki, but eventually drifted away to lean against the wall with his wine and watch much of Third Company—including every man in Dom’s squad—dance with Kel. She was flushed and smiling and it was good to see her enjoy herself. He worried about her, sometimes, and her indefatigable sense of duty. She deserved a little fun. They all did.
Dom had finished his wine, spoken with Raoul and Buri, and had some more food by the time Kel broke away from the dancers. He watched her make her excuses to Wolset when he asked her for a second dance. She fanned herself with her handkerchief and gestured to the mess hall door. Wolset smiled and bowed, and Kel wove her way through the crowd to the door. Just as she was about to slip outside, she turned to look right at Dom. Their eyes met across the room—she hadn’t even searched for him, she had known where he was—and then she was gone.
Dom made himself make small talk with his Uncle Baird for a few moments before following her into the cool autumn night. It was a relief after the close press of bodies in the mess. The night was clear and the moon was bright. He scanned the inner bailey to see where his Lady Knight had gone to, and saw a tall figure in a gown leaning against the battlement at the top of the south wall. He took the steps slowly, nodding at the guard who was posted at the corner. The silver-blue of Kel’s gown shimmered in the moonlight, and he slowed his pace to take her in. She stood with her elbows braced against the battlement, her hands clasped. She looked perfectly at ease. He matched her pose, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with her, and looked out over the valley that Steadfast defended.
“I warned you about the consequences of dancing with me,” she said.
“You did,” he nodded. “Are you going to survive?”
“Hm,” she seemed to consider, “I’ve had worse.”
“Mithros,” he laughed, “that is an understatement.” She smiled, but kept her eyes on the valley. He waited for her to say something else, and when she didn’t, he asked: “Everything all right, Kel?”
She sighed. “I think so. I—“ she looked at the guards posted along the wall. They were both too far to overhear and were diligently looking out from the wall, not back at either of them. “We should talk about… what you said. At Mastiff.”
I don’t want to waste the time we have, however long that is, he had said the last time he had seen her. She had needed time to think, then, and he had given it to her. Now she had that determined look on her face that told him she was going to do what she thought was right, no matter what anyone else thought. His stomach twisted.
“I’m happy to talk,” Dom said.
“I can’t—“ Kel started, and then stopped. Dom frowned and took a shaky inhale, but didn’t interrupt her. She shook her head and started over. “I’ve thought about it a lot. And as much as I might want to, I don’t think I can give you what you want,” she said, and looked down at her hands.
That was not what he expected her to say.
“What do you mean?” He asked.
“I’m not—,” she said. “I’m sorry, Dom. I like you; I really do, and I have for a long time. But I don’t—” she paused to clear her throat. She wouldn't look at him, but stared up at the sky as though it might tell her what to say. “I think there’s something wrong with me. I don’t want the things that other people want. And I need to be honest with you about that.”
Dom looked at her while he waited for his mind to catch up to what she was saying. “What do other people want?” He asked her, gently.
Kel shook her head in frustration and gestured at the mess hall behind them. They could hear the noise of the party, even from here. “Weddings, and marriage and—“ she sighed, “love letters and… oh, I don’t know.”
“You don’t want to get married,” he said. She shook her head.
“No, I don’t. I’m a Knight and that comes first. It will always be first for me,” Kel said, and it sounded like she was fighting tears. “When I think about getting married someday, it feels like something I’m supposed to do because everyone expects it. But it’s not something I want, and I probably won’t ever want it. I’m sorry if that disappoints you. I know you want more from me. I just… need you to know that, as much as I like you, I—I’m just not that kind of girl, I think.” She stopped talking then, and clenched her hands together tightly, waiting for him to respond.
Dom looked at her in profile: her mouth was firm, and her gaze was steady and sure. He sighed. He wanted to hold her hand, but he was too aware of the guards along the wall and how visible they would be if anyone came looking. Instead, he matched her pose, and clasped his own hands together to stop himself from reaching for her.
“Part of why I joined The Own was because of the prohibition against marriage,” he said, carefully. Kel looked at him with her brow furrowed. “It’s not the only reason, mind, but it helped. It… answered a lot of questions that I didn’t want to have to answer myself,” he smiled and shrugged. “A lot of the men talk about leaving when they meet the right girl, or when the one they’ve got won’t wait for them anymore, but that’s never been for me. I've always planned to stay until I'm too old to serve. I guess I’m not that kind of boy, either.”
“Dom, do you really mean that?” Kel asked.
“Of course I do,” he said gently. “I’ve never actually said it out loud like that before, not even to myself, but hearing you say it made it feel like it was all right to admit it. At least to you.” He bumped his shoulder against hers companionably.
“Oh,” she said, and looked back down at her hands. “You’re not upset with me.”
Dom shook his head. “Kel, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you,” he said. He relented to his instincts, and put a comforting hand on her back. He could feel her ribs rise and fall with her breath. “I think you’re just built different. Maybe I’m different, too, I don’t know. But I like the way you’re built. I think you’re wonderful.” He stopped as he felt her breath hitch. She was crying. “Oh, Kel…”
“I’m all right,” she said and wiped her eyes. She fished her handkerchief out of her sash and pressed it to her mouth. “I thought that I would tell you the truth and you’d be upset, but I would know how to deal with that. And now you’re being so nice to me, and I wasn’t prepared. Now I don’t know what to do,” Kel laughed tearfully at herself.
“I’m always nice to you,” Dom teased, and wiped one of her tears away with his thumb.
“You are,” Kel said, and finally turned to face him fully. She wiped her eyes again and cleared the last of the tears from her cheeks. She stood up straight, her shoulders squared, and he met her gaze evenly. “I should have known better,” she said.
“I’m not sure what you think I want,” he ventured, gently, “but marriage isn’t in the cards for me, either. I don’t need you to be like other people, or want what other people want. I just want you, Kel.” Her lips parted, and he thought she looked down at his mouth for a moment before her eyes flicked back up to his.
“I—“ she swallowed and shook her head, “I don’t know, Dom. How would that work, exactly?”
He smiled and shook his head, too. “I don’t know, either,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Listen, I… care about you. A lot. And I think you care about me. And just because we don’t want a storybook romance with a chaste courtship and a wedding doesn’t mean we don’t deserve a little happiness. I don’t know exactly what that would look like, but I want to try. I want to figure it out with you.”
He stopped, feeling a little breathless. Kel had forced her face into stone, a sign that she was truly overwhelmed, and her eyes were searching his face for something. His heart was hammering in his chest; he wanted to know what she was looking for.
Dom tried again: “We’ve talked about what you don’t want, and I understand that part, but you haven’t said what you do want. And that’s important to me, too. So, tell me. Please, Kel... what do you want?”
Kel’s eyes locked onto his and the moment stretched between them. It must have been the wrong thing to say, because Kel looked over his shoulder and said, “We should be getting back.”
“Kel—“ Dom started, but she interrupted him.
“Not here, Dom. Please,” Kel said gently.
His heart sank, but he didn’t resist her when she took his arm and started leading him to the stair. The sensible part of him knew she was right to stop them, when anyone might see or overhear, or when someone at the party might notice how long they’d been gone. He also knew there was something inside of her that she was hiding; he would just have to be patient until she was ready to let it out. Dom took a breath to steady himself and let it out in a long, slow exhale.
“It was a beautiful ceremony,” she said blandly as they passed the soldier on duty.
“Yes, it was,” he heard himself agreeing. He nodded to the sentry, who nodded back at both of them before returning to his watch.
“I’m sure Tobe is starting to wonder where I’ve disappeared to,” she mused as they walked down the stair, as if they had just been discussing the weather.
“Tobe was very busy learning how to arm-wrestle from Sergeant Osbern when I left,” Dom told her.
“Well, I’m sure he won’t miss me if I stay away a little longer, then,” Kel said, and she pulled Dom into the space beneath the stair where the shadows were thickest.
“Kel, what—“ Dom started to ask.
“I want to kiss you,” she whispered fiercely, her hands gripped the front of his tunic as she pulled him towards her.
“Oh, good,” was all Dom could say before Kel was kissing him. Her mouth was soft but insistent, and she tasted like spiced cider and a sweetness that was purely Kel. Dom pressed their bodies together, feeling her breasts crush against him. Her strong hands slid up his chest and she threaded her fingers in his hair, pulling him even closer. His hands found her hips as he grazed his tongue along her bottom lip. She sighed beautifully and parted her lips to let him taste her.
He kissed her until he felt dizzy with it, and when she pulled back to catch her breath, he pressed more kisses along her jaw until he reached her ear. “Oh Kel,” he whispered, and kissed behind her earlobe. She gasped and he trailed more kisses down the side of her neck, finally tasting the skin he had only dreamed about. Kel tilted his face up to kiss him again, and she bit gently at his bottom lip before soothing the bite with her tongue. He chased her tongue with his own, and she let him catch her, sinking into him with a muffled sigh. One of her hands cupped the side of face, her thumb stroking the line of his cheekbone, and he leaned into her touch like a man starved.
Kel started to pull away, then, and he let her retreat. She ended the kiss, but didn’t go far. She leaned her forehead against his and brushed the tips of their noses together. “I liked what you said before,” she whispered.
“Well, I say a lot of excellent things,” Dom whispered back, a little dazed. She chuckled at him.
“I want to try,” Kel said, pulling back to look him in the eye. “I don’t know how any of this works. Can we figure it out?”
Dom beamed and kissed her again. “You’re a prodigiously talented tactician, Lady Knight, I’m sure you can help me solve this one.” She smiled and shook her head at him, stepping out of the circle of his arms. Kel checked to make sure no one was watching before leading him out of the shadows and across the inner bailey toward the mess.
“Well, I’ll be here until the end of the week,” she said evenly, as though she hadn’t just kissed the sense out of him. “Perhaps we can schedule another time to… discuss the matter.”
“Will later this evening suit? Perhaps after the party?” Dom’s voice was warm with suggestion, but he was not surprised when Kel shook her head.
“Tobe sleeps on a pallet in my room, and he’ll come looking for me if I’m gone,” she said with a rueful, but fond, smile.
“Ah,” Dom said, “A daytime engagement, then. That’s a little more challenging.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
“I’m sure you’re up to the task, Sergeant,” Kel said as they reached the mess hall door. The music hadn’t slowed at all, and the noise of the revelry washed over them as Kel pulled open the door. She smiled at him over her shoulder as she stepped inside.
“Oh, I certainly am,” Dom said, and followed.