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Lucy still hadn't managed to get all of Sava's makeup off.
She scowled into the bathroom mirror, scrubbing at it with the third wipe she'd had to use. "I swear, I'm not going to wear makeup for a full week after this." Maybe not a full week, but at least until the mere sight of her makeup kit didn't make her feel so exhausted. "I know the cultural contract thinks it's a requirement for women, but people are just going to have to deal."
She sensed Tim coming to stand in the bathroom doorway. "Not a problem," he said quietly. "You're beautiful with or without it."
Lucy heard the weight in his voice, knowing exactly what it was about. She let out a breath, finishing her task. "You heard about the offer."
"You could do it." He sounded utterly certain, but it was impossible not to hear the aching sadness underneath. "You're good at this."
"I'm good at a lot of things." She turned to look at him now, leaning back against the counter. "And you really don't want me to say yes."
His jaw tightened. "It's not about what I want." Taking his own deep breath, he met her eyes. "I promised myself when we started this that I would never hold you back. I'm not about to break it now."
She held his gaze, thinking about all the ways she could answer him. About everything she wanted from the future. "Then why do you sound like you're going to a funeral?"
He winced at that, closing his eyes. "I'm working on it."
She knew he meant it, but there were some things that needed to get said. "By 'working on it,' do you mean shoving it in a deep dark hole and soldiering on despite the internal bleeding? Because that's sure what it sounds like."
He opened his eyes again, the flare of exasperation exactly what she'd been looking for. "I'll talk to you about this, but you'll be gone enough I'll have to deal with most of this on my own."
Her chest clenched. "That's true." She crossed the little bit of distance between them, resting her hands lightly against his waist. "But I'll come back. Every single time."
She could see the pain in his eyes, just like she could see him take another breath and push it back down. "I'm not worried you'll end up an addict. You've got too much willpower for that."
"Tim." Her voice firmed as she tightened her grip on him. "I'll come back."
The muscles in his body were so tense they had to hurt. "That's not—"
He stopped when she moved her hands up to his face, holding it like the precious thing it was. "I'll come back. Every time."
Tim squeezed his eyes shut, curling down like a collapse to rest his forehead against hers. "I know."
Lucy's throat tightened. As glad as she was that Isabel was doing better, it was still very hard not to be furious at her for everything she'd done to Tim. "No, you don't."
That made him snap his eyes open, gaze intent. He watched her, protective instincts rising up. "I mostly do," he said finally, voice soft. His own hands came up to cradle her face. "And the rest of it's not on you. Love can't fix everything."
Lucy's eyes stung. "I know." She smoothed her thumb along his cheek. "But it's something to hold on to in the middle of everything else. And I am absolutely going to keep holding on to you."
Tim made a helpless sound, pulling her into his arms and holding on tight. Lucy held on just as tight as he was, thinking about his warm, solid strength behind her while she'd pretended to be someone else. That same warm, solid strength by her side while she figured out who she really was.
He pressed his face against her hair. "I'll keep holding onto you, too," he murmured, voice thick. "Even when you become the best undercover agent the LAPD has ever seen."
Lucy smiled against his shirt. "Oh, I'm not taking the job offer."
That made Tim pull back, staring at her. "What?"
She gave him an even look. "I don't want to do undercover full time. I'm pretty sure we're stuck with Sava and Jake, but I told them I'm not interested in more than that."
Tim immediately looked guilty. "If this is because of—"
She put her fingers over his lips. "If you're about to make my decision about you, I'd just like to point out that is somehow both incredibly arrogant and incredibly self-flagellating at the same time." The smile snuck back. "Which is very like you, actually."
His brow lowered as he took her hand away from his mouth, not letting go of it. "Then why aren't you going for it? You read those guys today like they were books."
Before they'd started this, Lucy had wondered if she'd fall in love with undercover work. She'd been completely surprised by all the best things in her life, and it felt fitting for it to happen again. And starting with a non-creepy case? With Tim by her side? There was no better introduction.
Now, after it was done, there was no better way to be sure.
She shrugged. "It turns out criminals' motivations aren't really that complicated. It's a lot more interesting trying to figure them out when they think you're the enemy."
Tim looked thoughtful now. "You get a wider range of motivations with regular people, too. They'll commit crime for all kinds of reasons."
"Exactly." It had actually been a little depressing. Patrol had exposed her to the full range of humanity's strangeness, but while she'd been Sava she'd practically heard her parents diagnosing people in her head. Textbook cases, for the most part. "If I had to do it all the time, I'd get bored. Even more importantly, there's no future in it."
He considered that. "There's a lot of turnover in UC."
Lucy nodded. "Everyone I've talked to, their lives didn't really start until they got out of undercover. And yes, I could close cases, but what's the point of being clever if no one who matters to you is there to appreciate it?"
That made him smile a little. "Which sounds very like you." He tucked an errant bit of hair behind her ear with his free hand. "Building personalities wouldn't be enough to fill the gap? You had a lot of touches I wouldn't have thought of."
Lucy sighed. It had been interesting, in some ways, reading Sava deep enough to play her. But actually being her... If Tim hadn't been there, she wouldn't have liked it at all. "I spent too much of my life pretending to be someone I wasn't." She leaned against him, knowing she could. "I don't want to do that anymore."
She'd been so good at pretending that she'd thought that's who she really was, and everything that didn't fit were things that needed to be fixed. She hadn't realized the truth until she'd found the places she really belonged. The people who saw her for who she really was. She had every right not to give that up.
Tim's arms came around her, steady as a mountain. "So what was all that before?" he asked finally, voice still a little thick.
She poked him in the side, not lifting her head. "It was a conversation we needed to have," she said gently. "And that seemed like the best time to do it."
She felt him smile as he kissed her hair. "When you make chief, I'm the only person who's going to be even slightly prepared."
Lucy laughed, holding on tight.