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Jen tries really very hard to not think about Alex when she gets home that night. Like, crazy hard. But no one has ever considered her a strong willed woman. She gives in three feet away from her front door, feeling frustrated and overwarm, trying her best to pretend that the Alex shaped figure she saw in her mind’s eye was anyone else but. And, yet, despite the long hours that she’s put into this endeavour over the years, Jen is still no good at convincing herself otherwise.
The Alex shaped figure in her mind’s eye is Alex. She’s attracted to Alex, and, to her great and complete shame, has been since the eleventh grade. Seven years, and this night is the first night Alex even began to toy with the notion that maybe, just maybe, he could have a nice time with Jen. Only because he’s desperate, though. Only because Jen is there, as she always is, and Serena, the one he really and truly wants, is completely intangible.
“God, I should kill myself,” Jen groans out loud, listening to her voice echo in the dim quiet of her apartment. “Probably,” she tacks on, suddenly self conscious, “I should stop standing aimlessly and uselessly at my front door. And talking to myself. And pining after Alex. And–okay.” Fed up with herself, Jen finally gets her legs to move.
His face was right there. Right in front of hers. Inches away. Oh, my god. Why did I let that go? The memory of him saying that she’s probably a really good kisser is gonna be stuck in her head for the rest of her life. Ingrained in bone and brain. Jesus Christ. Holy moly. Why did she let that go? He was right there.
He’s also her best friend. And, if she’s being completely honest, her only friend. If she were to fuck shit up with Alex, everyone would keep him and ditch her. Goat was Alex’s friend first, and Chaka’s his sister, so of course, she’s gonna ditch some evil annoying overly sarcastic bitch (re: Jen) for her brother . Fruity, Matt, and Mecca aren’t even really Jen’s friends. Or Alex’s, for that matter, but they are Chaka’s, and they’ll go wherever she goes. So, that leaves Jen with Leia as her only source of human interaction, if she were to fuck shit up with Alex. Which royally sucks. Leia is not a very good conversationalist.
If Jen and Alex were to date, the only conceivable conclusion, the only one she could possibly fathom, is shit hitting the fan. She rags on him too often. He’s too much of an overthinking spacecase. They know each other too well. They’re too used to each other, and, sometimes, Jen’s pretty certain that Alex would ditch her in a heartbeat if he could.
But, still. Logic and common sense are nothing in the face of how bad she wants Alex. Not that she’ll ever do anything about it, or anything.