Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It all started with a rooftop and rain.

It started with moving in with a girl who hurt him.

He never thought he would be like this. Dick didn't want to be like this.

Please. 

It was an endless cycle that Dick was trapped in.

Maybe he deserved to be like this.

—------

Dick had been staring blankly at his bedroom wall all day. It was Sunday dinner. They had to leave in a bit but he just couldn’t get up. It's like his body was filled with lead. He could barely lift himself, let alone think about what happened the night prior. He was sure there was broken glass littered on the floor and a dress thrown onto the floor. 

Dick prayed Cat cleaned it up because he could not bear any reminders of it. Not right now. He felt the bed shift as Cat sat next to him, her hand snaking up his side. If she noticed his flinch, she didn’t say. 

“Dick, honey…” Cat gently rubbed his back, a motion his mom used to do for him when he was sick or hurt. Back when he was like five, he had gotten the flu. Some kid is probably visiting the circus. He spent the whole night barfing and his mom had been there the whole night, right next to him. He puked his little guts out and his mom had rubbed his back for him.

“Hmm,” He said, his tone displeased. He didn't want to go out. Cat never made him go out after she was like that. “Sweetie, I’m… I’m sorry, but you know last night was your fault. You deserved it, Dickie. We’re discussing the gala for Saturday tonight, too, you know how important that is…”

He pulled the blankets up higher as guilt festered in his gut. He did know, he just… he wished she didn’t act like that all the time. “It wasn’t that big of a deal,” he mumbled, the words barely coherent. A slight fire in Catalinas eyes returned, one he was familiar with, before she spoke and honey slipped out of her words. “If you had just told me earlier you were going to be working late, it would’ve never happened. You know your… history… with cheating, honey, I shouldn’t have to tell you what I guessed.” 

Dick’s eyes flickered over to her. “Please, honey. You don't want your brothers to know, do you? You won't be such a golden boy if they ever found out, hm?” Dick knew that she wasn’t lying. He couldn’t let them know what happened in their relationship. They wouldn’t understand it at all. “No,” he said and his voice trailed off. He was still reluctant. He really couldn’t handle going today. It took so much out of him to have to perform. “What if I pick your clothes out, you could brush your teeth in here? Whatever makes it easier, mi amour.” 

Dick nodded. He began to push himself up out of the blankets as she got up. She yanked a dresser drawer open and threw a t- shirt at him. He inspected it closely. It had a graphic on it of Nightwing. He read the worn text, “Bludhaven’s Hero”, and sniffed it. He hadn’t worn it in awhile and it smelt dusty. Catalina had just finished putting all of his things around him he needed to get ready and a waterglass. “What? Not good enough for you?” 

He looked at her and threw the shirt on. “No, no, it's perfect. Its fine.” She smiled. “Good. I’ll be waiting on the street. Be quick, honey.” He nodded and got out of the bed. He put the blankets just as Cat liked them before throwing the rest of his clothes out. He still felt lethargic, but the need to please his girlfriend overpowered it. He brushed his teeth and quickly spat into that cup. His spit looked gross, but he knew Cat wouldn't mind cleaning up after him, at least not today. 

He quickly grabbed a granola bar from the pantry and headed out. Catalina had this lovely maxi dress on, her hairs falling down in waves. She’d styled it just right. She looked gorgeous. She had a bouquet of flowers she must’ve picked up when he was in bed. She never showed up empty handed.

She turned to him and frowned, adjusting her purse strap. “Babe… your jaw.” He frowned at her. What about it? 

“You have a bruise, sweetie. You can't let your family see that, now can you? They wouldn't understand why you got it, not one bit.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I forgot about it. I’m sorry.”
“It's alright, love. I have some concealer in my bag… It’ll match you.” She passed the concealer to him and he took it right as the Uber pulled up. He slid in and noticed the driver eyeing him curiously. He slipped back into his state of being numb and let the night pass him by.

—-----

(few days later) 

Dick smiled as Tim walked into his apartment. Popcorn kernels were bursting in the microwave and Netflix was pulled up on his TV. Damian had set himself up with a blanket, and Alfred the cat had been kidnapped for movie night. His purrs as Dami pet him were pretty loud.

“Move your blanket, brat. I’m sitting here.” Damian rolled his eyes. He placed it back over Tim’s lap as he sat. Alfred adjusted his position to be spread across the two and jealousy fired in Dami’s eyes. The door swung open with Jason’s arrival, his heavy boots tracking in mud. 

Dick just rolled his eyes. It was a good thing he would be cleaning before Cat came. She’d be very pissed if she saw.

Dick sat down and placed a bowl of popcorn next to him. Jason grabbed the bowl of chips left on the counter and plopped himself onto the arm chair. He took his boots off before resting his feet on the table. “What’re we watching?”

“Haven’t picked yet.” Dick picked up the remote and started scrolling through the options.

“How about Heartstopper?” Tim suggested.

“No. Heartstopper has been overplayed.” Damian said, annoyed.

“No it isn't!”
“You watch it too much. Something else.” Dick rolled his eyes and moved on. “How about Pride and Prejudice?” Jason asked, causing his brothers to all groan. He asked this every time they got down to watch something. “How about literally anything else?” Dick said in response. 

“Oh! Alfred recommended Greys Anatomy. What about that?” Dick’s eyes sparkled. Yes! He’d been trying to convince Jason to watch for so long. He just knew Jason would love it, no matter how much he protested. And two against two? Ooh, not hard at all.

“What's it about?” Tim asked. What the fuck. Is he mentally sane? “Are you on social media, like, at all? It's the most overplayed show of all time.” Jason told him. “No, we are not watching it.”
Damian sniffed. “Alfred recommended it.”

Jason looked at him. “So? Dick did too. I don't watch things Dick recommended.”
Dick clicked onto the show, letting Tim read what it's about. “Looks okay. Why not?”
Jason groaned. He knew it was hopeless. They all got sucked in as Meredith fell in love with McDreamy. Jason made jokes about Damian being a younger version of Alex, or Demon Spawn, and they all chuckled.

They got lost in the show for a good few hours until Dick got jolted back to reality. He looked at the clock quickly. Cat was supposed to be home around now.

Dick heard footsteps in the hallway, far away. But he knew who they were. His heart skipped a beat as he checked his watch.

Fuck.

Cat had wanted the boys gone and the apartment clean by the time she got home. She had a long day at work and didn’t want to wait for Dick to finish cleaning to spend time with him. “You guys need to go,” He said, getting the words out despite how much they hurt him. He didn't need his brothers to see Cat like this. 

Tim looked at him. “But it's just getting to the good part!” Jason was looking at him with scrutiny. “I told Cat you guys would be gone when she got back. You guys have to go.”

Damian grunted. “Please, it's just like, twenty more minutes! I’m sure she won't mind.” 

Dick felt like he was being put into a corner. The doorknob started to turn. “We have stuff planned, guys. Just go, please.” He said, his voice frantic for a moment. His brothers looked at him like he was crazy but Jason shot Tim a look when he tried to protest again.

Cat slipped her shoes off, sending a look to Dick before smiling at their guests. “My, what a surprise. I thought you guys wouldn’t be here when I got home.” Her eyes looked over the bowls of food, the wrappers on the floor.

“Sorry, Cat, they’re just leaving.”

Cat’s smile was wide while her eyes told another story. “That's good. Did you guys have a good time then?”

“Yes, Catalina. We enjoyed watching Greys Anatomy together.” Damian says, pleased by her presence. Cat rolled her eyes. “Did Dick rope you guys into watching that too? Pfft.” The three boys slipped their shoes on and Jason grabbed a stray bowl. He put wrappers into it and then placed it on the couch. “Here, clean up a bit for you, Dickiebird.” Dick sent a grateful smile towards him. He wasn’t sure how Cat would feel about it. “Come over to finish it sometime, Jay.” He knew that only Jay was really enjoying it.

“It's not that good, but once you get into it, you know? Lost track of time.” Jason said, his eyes flitting between the couple. “Yup. Well. I suppose we’ll see you three another time, alright?” Cat said as the three left. 

They shut the door behind themselves and Cat’s demeanor dropped. She paused, listening as their footsteps faded, before grabbing the vase next to her. 

The vase was thrown at Dick, the glass hitting his chest and breaking. “Cat, I’-”

“No! Cut it with that bullshit. I know you’re not sorry. I told you one thing, Dick. One thing! Have the house clean when I get home.”

Dick stood there silently. “What do I come home to? Wrappers! Bowls! Your brothers! I don't think they should be coming over all that often anymore. Clearly, you don’t deserve that.”

“But, Cat, please, my brot-”

“No! I make the money, not you! Maybe if you made money and actually pitched in for rent you would have a say, but Mr Lives on Daddy's Money just had to be a gymnastics teacher.” 

Dick was confused. “You wanted-”

“I SAID SHUT UP, DICK! I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR LITTLE EXCUSES ANY LONGER!” Cat’s voice was loud and it started a fight. Dick just let her hit him. 

—-----

“I didn’t mean that, Dickie, I’m so sorry.”

“You deserved it, I gave you one rule, baby. You’ll know for next time.”

“Why don't you invite Jason over? Please, honey. Just talk to me.”

“I love you. That's why I do this.” 

Cat’s hand brushed over the bruises she left. She straddled his hips, hand tracing down his chest. “Please, no, not now,”
“Shh. I know what you need.”

How can someone that means be this gentle? 

—-----

Dick woke up and looked at the clock. Saturday. 

Jay was going to come over, finish the last episode of Greys, and then they’d head on over to the Gala. They planned to meet Cat and the rest there. He stretched and got himself out of their bed. He pulled on a random shirt and some sweats, beginning to get ready. He looked at himself quickly in the mirror. He and Cat had a small fight in the middle of the night since he woke her up and all, it wasn’t anything worth getting upset over, but there was a bruise on his face.

He’d make sure to cover that before Jay came over and make sure she didn’t cut him or anything. He continued on his way and went into the kitchen, turning the stove on. He got out a pancake mix and turned his phone on, softly playing some Taylor Swift. He didn’t need Cat to wake up in a mood today, not after how mad she was last night.

He usually is upset after their fights, and he was, but… he's getting used to them. It doesn’t feel as life changing right now. Besides, he has things going on. He can't dwell on it all day.

He was pouring the batter onto the pan when Cat walked in. He looked at her for a moment before his eyes darted away. “I didn't expect to see you up so early,” she said, her voice sugary sweet.

“Yeah. Jays coming over lately.” 

Cat looked concerned about that. “Oh.. you sure? I know you don't like going out after things like last night..”

“I have to go to the gala anyway. Might as well see him.”

“That sounds nice. Look, I think you should apologize for last night, Dickie. I had a long day and you woke me up. I didn't want to hurt you but you made me. It's the only way you’ll learn.”

Dick felt stunned. Apologize? She always did. Not him. Even if it was accompanied with sex he didn’t want Cat to always apologize first. “Uh… yeah, I guess. I’m sorry.” he said, not wanting to make her anymore angry.

She sniffed the air. “What's that you're making?”

“Pancakes.”
Cat smiled. “Nice. Save me a few, honey.”
Dick looked at her as he flipped a pancake. It was perfectly brown. “Are you not having breakfast with me?”

“No, I’m going out with a few girls before tonight. Don't worry, I'm sure they’re great.”

Dick shrugged. “Alright. Whatever. See you tonight then.”

Cat nodded and began to leave. Just as she was about to walk out the door she turned back to him. “By the way, I’m pregnant, honey. It's finally happening.” 

Dicks vision went blurry. Catalina smiled at him, a look in her eyes. It was as if she knew how much he didn't want this. The door slammed shut and his thoughts were given the chance to finally consume him. How much he wishes he could get himself together and just leave,  be a man for once. His heart sped up. He leaned against the kitchen counter, placing his hand onto his heart and breathing in. He didn’t want to freak out. He had finally convinced Jason to come over so they could finish Grey's Anatomy and he didn’t want to ruin it. 

Pregnant, though. He knew how Catalina really wanted a baby. She made them every night try for a baby… he just never thought it would happen. Catalina had been trying for a baby ever since they moved in together and it had never worked. Why now? 

He turned the stove off and slipped the pan into the sink. The pancake batter began dripping down into the drain. He slipped down until he was sitting on the floor. The coldness of it shot through his body and was almost enough to calm him. His chest was so heavy as his mind was filled with what ifs.

What if the baby hates Dick?

What if he's a bad dad? It's not like he has any good role models. He goes out as a vigilante at night. He's going to give it abandonment issues. It's never going to know how much its dad loves it because he couldn’t even stay in the apartment for one night. He can barely do it now, how will he bear it with a baby? 

What if Cat hurts the baby? He knows what Catalina does to him isnt bad. She barely touches him, only a few bruises and some bad sex. But what if she hurts his baby? He can't stop it. He's powerless. He's just going to mess this baby up with all of his problems. 

Dick swiveled his head as the door opened. It creaked. He always meant to fix that. He always thought he would and he supposes he should now, because if he has a baby he can't have the door waking them up.

Jason slipped his shoes off and put his bag of snacks onto the floor. He began to walk into the living room, “Dick! Where the hell-?” Jason stopped short. His socks were flat on the ground, Dick noticed. His eyes trailed up to Jason’s face and he noticed how wide his eyes were, how white his face looked. He looked kind of scared. 

Fuck. Dick was breaking down in front of his brother. Fuck. Fuck. He cant have his family know. He can't let them know anything. They aren't allowed to know. Catalina told him to never tell anybody or things would be very bad. She would tell the news about them. She’d hurt them. She’d hurt Dick. She’d hurt Dick again and again, in any way possible.

“Get out, Jason! Get out!” He shouted at him. His heart panged at greenness swimming in Jason’s iris. The kid just stood there. “Dick, what happened? I’m not leaving you like this.”

“Go, Jason! You can't be here!” He knew that his jaw was still bruising. He hadn’t had time to go fix it, to cover it up before Jay came. He had wasted time worrying over something like this and lost precious minutes. It was going to be fine though. If Cat knew he was freaking out like this he would be in big trouble. He just had to convince Jason to leave and everything would be okay.

He had to pull himself together, now.

His shaky hands lifted him up from the tiles. He noticed his face was wet from tears and avoided looking at Jason. “Dick, what the hell? You invited me over.” 

“Look at it.. It's just not a good time, okay? Please.” 

“No! Dick, you can't just push us away all the time!” What does Jay even mean? He never pushes them away. He hangs out with them whenever Cats are okay with it and he answers any question they have. It's not like he's hiding anything from him. “Dick you haven’t even patrolled with Damian recently. You’re always with Cat now, you never have any time for us!”

Don't they understand? He's doing it for them. It's all for them. “Cat…. Cats pregnant.”

“Uh… congrats?” 

“No, no!” 

“Dick you two have been trying for so long… how are you not happy?” 

“I can't be… I can't have a baby right now, I don't want a baby, Jay.”

“Dude you should’ve thought about this before. I can't believe you would say that to me, too. You know how my dad was. He left me.”
Dick didn’t understand. Where was Jay going with this? “Why does that matter, Jay? Your dads not me.”

“Well, not wanting your kid and literally breaking down over it seems pretty fucking similar! Get your shit together. You're not a baby, I’m sure you can handle having one.”

“I’m stuck now, I can't… I can't get out, I need to get out, Jay.”

Jason looked confused, but his eyes were slightly green. He knew how he looked. Like he was going to desert his girlfriend and kid. He knew it was selfish. He knew how much Cat loved him but he just wanted to feel safe again. He thought he could feel safe again someday. 

“Dick, you’re going to have to step up. You can't change it now…”

“Jason, I know, I know, I just… I just… I thought I had more time, I didn’t…. I didn’t want my life to be over so soon, please Jay.” 

“You’re lifes not over. You two are both so young.”

Dick looked at his brother, confusion clouding the emotions he was consumed with. “I'm young. Cats not.”
“What? She's like, two years older. The fuck?”

Dick shook his head but didn’t elaborate. He never did tell his family their age gap. Weird.

“I just can't believe you would talk like that. You know what it was like for me without my dad. Here you are, been trying for a year, and wanting to bail? No. Fuck you, Dick.”
Dicks breathing picked up. He couldn't handle this. Nobody understood. It was all his fault and he knew it but he just wanted somebody to see him and say it was okay for once. He knew that now for sure that what Cat did was his fault he just… he had hope that it wasn't. But if even his brother thinks he's a bad person, then he must be.

Dick left the kitchen and walked into the bedroom, Jason following behind as he shut the door. Jason banged his fist on it, projecting his voice. “Of course you're just going to walk away! Classic Dick, acting just like Bruce. Of course.”

Dick had to fight back the tears in his eyes. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t break down with his brother so nearby. Cats would be so mad. “I’m sorry, Jay! Just go away!” his voice cracked with every word and tears slipped down into his mouth. 

He knew his brother was realizing something was not right. He wished his brother would just leave. He doesn't need to be saved. 

He heard swearing from behind the door. “Fuck. Dick, just tell me the whole story!” 

Dick looked at himself as he looked through his dresser drawers. He was panicking. He couldn’t leave Cat. He didn't understand why he was so upset. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. He should’ve told Jason to not come. He could’ve waited and talked to Cat again about his worries. She always knew what to do.

“Dick, open the door and talk to me! I’m not a little kid anymore.”

Dick looked through the dresser once again, hurriedly opening them until he found a bit of concealer. He looked blankly into the mirror at himself, letting Jason’s words wash over him. He knows he should ask for help. He's been acting like his and Cat’s relationship was healthy for quite some time now but the bruise painting his cheek says otherwise. He doesn't know what to do. He couldn’t leave. He doesn't have that much money, not since Cat told him to chase his dreams and become a gymnastic teacher instead of a cop. He relied on her. She knew everything. He was stuck. He was stuck.

“Dick, I’m coming in!” 

He hurriedly dotted the concealer onto his cheek and looked for a brush. If he could only cover this up before Jason came in maybe it’d be okay. He could lie and make him seem like the bad guy. Make this all go away. He heard Jason jiggling the doorknob until all of a sudden the door managed to burst open. The brush he held fell to the floor as Jason stood there, staring at the mirror. Their eyes met until Jason’s trailed downwards and stayed put on the bruise. It wasn’t that bad, not really. He's had worse. There were probably quite a few marks on his back from Cat’s nails and probably even a few scars. There were marks all under his hoodie from countless other nights. Maybe he could brush this off. 

“Jay, go away.” He bent and picked up the brush. He can't go back now. He saw. Somebody saw. But he doesn't know why it's there. Maybe he got it on patrol. They wouldn’t know. 

He began to blend the product in, watching as the purple colour faded. There was a cut that stinged as the product blended. He didn’t realize that Cat’s ring had managed to cut him. What a sight he was. 

“Please, Jay. We can’t… I got it on patrol, okay?” Jason's face was white and eyes wide. Dick could see that he was mad. It made him want to cower in a corner. He didn't used to be like this. He used to be able to handle people when they were angry, talk them down. He could be in the same room as Bruce after a bad patrol and feel safe. He could be around Alfred when he was cooking without being scared a plate was going to be thrown.

Dick understood that he and Cat were unhealthy but. But. But he can't fail anybody else. He can't fail Cat, his family. His baby.  

Jason wouldn’t understand why Cat does this. She does it because she loves him and Jason just doesn’t know her like he does. So he can't. He can’t fail him. Can't tell him what Cat does. He can't handle seeing him mad at him. 

“The hell you got it on patrol. The fuck? When do you ever let a criminal get close enough to your face to cut it without you knocking them out?” 

Dick had blended out the product but the bruise was still very visible. It was a few hours old. The black and blues on it we're going to be hard to cover. “I should call in tomorrow,” he mumbled, wondering if he even had enough sick days left.

“Dick! C’mon. Put that shit down and talk to me.”
He placed the brush down. He tried to ignore the way a panic attack was seeping back into his bones with every breath. 

“I cant… I can't do this right now, Jay. I need you to leave.”

“No! Something is very wrong. I can help you.”

Dick just shook his head furiously. “If… If somethings going on, Dick, please,”

“Oh, sure! When's the last time you actually tried to help me, Jay?” Jason took a step back as if Dick hit him. Dick put the brush back in the drawer and placed it neatly away. “I’m sorry, Lil Wing. I don't want to hurt you, just. Me and Cat are perfectly fine.” 

Jason looked mad but it started to melt away into confusion. “What do you mean? Why do you men-” Jason stopped. He looked closer at Dick, seeing the bags under his eyes. His messy hair and eyes that were once full of happiness. Jason takes a really good look at how Dick seems skinnier than usual, how he's favouring one side over the other. Dick watches as Jason tries to place Dick now with a younger one, the one before Cat.

“She hit you.”

Jason’s voice is loud and blunt. Dick feels like he's been hit again. He feels like somebody is pelting his chest with thousands of rocks as he slips down to his bedroom floor. His world that he's built for the past two years is coming crumbling down. Jason’s face has morphed into something terrible, something sick.

“Okay. Okay. Look, no, we can't stay here. Dick, you’re coming to the manor.” Dick furiously shakes his head. “No, no, please, I want to stay with Cat,” 

Jason’s already grabbed a bag from the closet. He's throwing Dick’s shirts and other shit into it, barely looking at what it is. “No, no, no, stop!” he tries to yell but all comes out is a whisper. He manages to get himself up from the floor. Jason barely pauses as he puts himself in between the bag and Jason. “No! I’m not going. Stop trying to make decisions for me!” 

Jason just went around and shoved more clothes away. “Do you want anything else? We can come back.”

“Jason, you’re not listening to me! I don't want to go. I love cats. I’m happy. I want to be there for my baby Jay. Please Jay let me stay.” It all felt so repetitive. But he needed to convince Jay. Jay just doesn’t realize that he can't leave, does not see how good he and Cat are for each other.

“Dick, please. Please just come.” 

“I dont… I dont, I don't need to go, Jay. I’m happy.” Jason looked at him for a moment, a duffel bag in one hand. He held the other out and looked at Dick expectantly. He wanted to cry. Was this life just going to be full of others making decisions for him?

Somewhere inside Dick, in the deepest part of his cells, he knew that his relationship wasn’t healthy. He was trained to see the warning signs of abuse. He knew that it was unhealthy. He just… as long as it was only him, he didn’t mind.

Maybe he should go. Maybe Dick should try to be better. Maybe he should let his family help him.

Dick took his brother's hand.