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“Do you think that the stars love us?” Kili is young, his legs short and his hair wild and always in his eyes. He sits out on the grass, his fingers pulling at blades mindlessly as he looks up at the night sky.
“I think that Varda fills the sky, I believe she watches down on all creatures and puts a star in the sky for each of us. When the sun sets she pulls up the dark, the shades of blue and black and litters the sky with silver so we can still find ourselves.” Fili is barely much older, just a little bit bigger, just big enough to pull Kili into his arms.
“Which one am I?”
“You, you’re that one there.” Fili lifts up his hand and points to the North Star. “The brightest one against the dark.”
Kili scrunches up his nose and looks at Fili. “Why that one?”
“Because she loves you the most.” And Fili hopes that Kili one day understands what he means.
“Ma! What is this mark?!” Kili exclaims as he comes running into the kitchen, tripping over his own feet and pointing to a small brown mark on his cheek.
Dis smiles as she grabs Kili and pulls him up into her arms. She squints her eyes at the tiny mark and smiles. “That is a kiss from the sun.”
“The sun kissed me?”
“Yes and he left you this mark to remind you.” She point to the freckles on Kili’s cheek and then gives him a kiss on the same spot right after.
Kili giggles then rests his head on her shoulder, wrapping his fingers in her dark curls. “I think I like being sun kissed.” When he says it his eyes rest on Fili’s who is sitting in a char with a book in his lap, their eyes focused on each other.
“Balin told me that the elves saw the stars first and that is why they love Varda.” Kili says as he runs up to Fili after a lesson with the older dwarf.
“That is true. Varda also created the paths for the sun and the moon.” Fili says as he picks up Kili and puts him in his lap. They’re both still small, barely reaching their uncle’s waist.
“Am I allowed to love her as well even though I am not of their kind?”
“I believe that you can love anyone that you want Kili.” When Fili say it he doesn’t understand the pang in his chest.
“I just don’t understand.” Kili lets out a sigh as he hangs his head.
Fili bounces his knee to get his brothers attention. “Don’t understand what?”
“Why do I like the stars so much?”
Fili laughs. “Nadad, you were born at night. You were born during a blood moon. The sky was filled with silver and red.”
“A blood moon?”
“Has no one told you?”
“No!”
“I remember it. I remember never seeing a color like it before. I remember as the moon was at it highest peak that night you were born.”
“Will I ever see a blood moon?”
“You will one day.”
“I hope you’re with me when it happens.”
“I hope so too.”
“Do you think that stars are cold?” They’re older now and Kili has almost caught up to Fili in height.
“No, I think that they burn bright. They burn and burn and burn until there is nothing left.”
“I like that.” Kili smiles and his eyes go soft as he looks out the window, moon and stars shining down on him.
Fili watches his movements, watches the way light pricks his eyes, watches his bird like hands and his untamable hair. He watches as his bones take on a new shape.
He watches as Kili grows and watches as his energy expands, and keeps expanding. Fili doesn’t say that he is afraid that one day there might be nothing left of him.
“If I’m a star then certainly you are the sun.” Kili slurs his words. It's the first night he has ever had ale. Fili knew that he should have stopped Kili at a certain point but he was having so much fun, and his joy was so bright that Fili could hardly stand to interrupt it.
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“It is!” Kili exclaims as he puts a hand on Fili’s shoulder, stepping into his space and putting their foreheads together. “It is the truest thing I have ever said.”
Fili closes his eyes and feels the sting of his exhale. “You have a wicked mouth Kee, please let’s just get you home.”
“Wicked for more than you think.” Kili breathes across Fili’s lips and Fili can taste the ghost of him.
“Alright, time to get you home.” Fili pulls away and positions himself to put an arm around Kili instead.
When Fili gets Kili in bed and gets him down to his small clothes he moves over to his bed to undress.
“Stay with me.” Kili whispers with closed eyes.
“We share a room Kee.” Fili says lightly as he finishes taking off his boots.
“You know what I mean.” Kili opens his eyes and moves back to give Fili room on his bed.
The bed is too small and has been for quite some time but when Kili asks him to stay he can never refuse. Fili gets in bed gently, slowly. Kili’s hand is on his wrist and pulling him down. Kili’s arms are already around Fili and his hair in Fili’s nose and his hands running down Fili’s back. Their chests are pressed together, Kili is pushing his knee between Fili’s thighs and Fili is parting his legs as Kili mumbles, “move your leg I need more room.” And Fili always obliges and lets Kili’s leg rest between his.
Kili places his mouth to the hollow of Fili’s throat, feels the pulse beneath. And Fili is grateful that he is not speaking because he is certain there would be a tremble in his voice. When Kili tugs him impossibly closer to where their bodies are pressed tightly together he tries to even his breathing. He feels Kili’s lips move against his neck, “you taste like the sun.”
Fili is afraid to speak. “Tell me then, what does the sun taste like?” His voice is quiet and low pitched, it comes out like it is being dragged against gravel.
“Like sun dried leaves, like honey and lemon.” The stubble of Kili’s not yet beard brushes against Fili’s skin sending a shiver down his spine. When his hips roll against Kili’s his eyes widen for a moment in shock but Kili is gripping him tightly and running his hands down Fili’s back and up under his undershirt.
“Can I taste you again?” Kili asks quietly and Fili does not trust his voice so instead he nods his head ‘yes’.
Kili’s tongue licks a stripe up Fili’s throat. His tongue explores, trailing down veins and pushing aside fabric to get to his collar bone. He licks dips and indentations of where bone and flesh meet on angular panes. Kili bites down, licks, and sucks a mark onto Fili’s throat. Fili bites the inside of his cheek until there is blood in his mouth.
Kili falls asleep like this, his arms wrapped around Fili and his lips to his skin.
They don’t speak about what happened and Fili thinks that perhaps Kili doesn’t remember. He doesn’t mention the mark on his neck and Fili uses furs to cover it.
“Fee!” Kili shouts as his pony goes running up the mountain side, wind blown hair and a smile on his face.
Fili smiles at Kili as his pony races to catch up.
“You have to come around this curve up here, then you’ll be able to see.” Kili’s grin is wild and full of life.
“See what?” Fili asks as he reaches up to Kili.
“A blood moon!” Kili exclaims as he picks up speed again.
It’s exactly how Fili remembers it, the color of an orange that was left too long in a fruit bowl. Darker but still bright enough to be seen.
“You were right, I got to see it.” Kili says quietly, a rare occasion from his normal voice that carries.
Kili looks at the moon and Fili looks at Kili and the soft illumination that the moon casts on his skin, basks him in orange and red lights. He thinks to himself that he wants it to be like this always.
During the quest they spend their nights together. They look up at stars when no one can hear and they teach each other new names. Kili makes up outlandish stories for each one and Fili laughs.
"That one there is a smug dwarf who likes to teach other people how to peel fruit." Kili says pointing his hand at a cluster of stars.
"Well then, that one there is a small dwarf who's hands are fast and want to crush things." Fili points to a cluster next to it.
"I wasn't going to crush it!" Kili exclaims as he rolls with laughter.
"Yes you were! There was juice leaking down your arms, you were such a messy eater. Still are really."
"I don't know if I should take offense to that. Besides, I have gotten much better with my hands." Kili wiggles his eyebrows at Fili and he tries not to think of the implications.
"You have. You're very good with your bow, good with kindling fires, and good with whittling wood."
"I'm sure they're good for other things as well." Kili doesn't say anything else but that night when they fall asleep Kili's hands are in his.
She comes to them with grace, with sharp eyes and hands made of stars. Kili speaks of blood moons, he makes comparisons of things he shouldn’t and tells her that her hair is the same color as the moon that has been in the sky. She smiles and it's brilliantly bright. She speaks of the stars as if it’s all she's ever known and Kili listens with mesmerized eyes.
Fili wants to say, ‘I was there too, I remember these things same as you’ but he cannot seem to find his voice. It feels weighed down and resting on his vocal chords trying to claw its way to get out.
When Kili is injured Fili keeps their hands together, keeps himself at Kili’s side and thinks of himself of as his tether. He feels the crushing weight of the possibility of loss.
She comes to them again wrapped in starlight, in the cover of night.
When Kili speaks to her of stars in his delirious state, when his hand reaches out to her all Fili can think of is years and years of watching Kili’s hand reach up for the night sky, reach and reach and reach as he tried to grasp at stars.
At least he’s finally getting his wish.
Fili has kissed away bruises and brushed off scraped knees but he can not kiss this away.
For a moment Fili thinks that he understands the word hate. He doesn’t hate Kili, he doesn’t even hate her. He can’t bring himself to do that. Instead he hates the sky and the things in it. He hates the moon and all of it’s shapes, full, waning, waxing, crescent, and all the colors it takes on. He hates the clouds and the day. He hates the sun and how it leaves marks to let you know that it was there, so your skin will always remember it's warmth. He hates the stars most of all, hates their distance and their depth. Hates the way they shine silver and bright. Hates the way that Kili looks standing underneath them and how they look reflected in his eyes.
He hates conversations that were held underneath them, conversations that were held about them. He hates every conversation he’s ever had, curses every word that has ever left his mouth and the ones that never did.
He thinks that the nights are meant for loneliness and that this is what betrayal looks like. It comes in the form of love, in the form of whispered secrets and conversations shared with ears that are not meant to hear.
When they make the trip up the mountain it is with Fili carrying his and Kili’s things. Kili is quiet and closed off.
Fili thinks it is because of her, because he finally walked amongst the stars and now he is left cold and out of the reach of their warmth. Fili doesn’t know that it is because there is still the ghost of weight from a stone in Kili’s pocket and a hazy mind that is trying to work through his poison filled veins.
“What is wrong with Thorin?” Kili asks and it's the first time he has spoken in hours.
“He is not himself.” Fili says as they sit in the gold room, their fingers aching from counting.
“I think I understand that.” He doesn’t ask Kili what he means by that.
He wants Kili to apologize for all the times he’s held his hand, all the times he pressed his lips too close, too dangerous. He wants Kili to apologize for all the times his words held too much meaning, how they weighed down and repeated themselves over and over in Fili’s mind until they were memorized.
He wants Kili to apologize for making Fili feel important, all the times he’s ever said his name. He wants to take them all back, wants to throw them out on the wind and let them carry so he won't be near them.
“Will you stand watch with me?” Kili asks and Fili still has not learned the word ‘no’.
They stand on guard, their bodies weighed down by old and heavy armor. Kili rests on the wall, his elbows pressed into the cold stone as he looks up at the sky. He lets out a sigh and Fili keeps his eyes straight ahead instead of up.
“Do you think that-” Kili starts to ask but Fili cuts him off.
“I do not want to talk about the stars or the sky or anything in it.” His voice is almost unrecognizable as he says it. Kili turns to look at him.
“Why?” Kili asks with tired features.
“Because I have heard enough talk about stars for a lifetime.” Fili squares his shoulders but cannot bring himself to look into Kili’s eyes.
Kili lets out a half choked laugh. “That’s fine because I realized that even though I thought I loved the stars, I really loved the sun more.” His eyes are full of intent as he looks at Fili and Fili finds himself wavering, finds himself turning to look at Kili.
“Why is that?”
“The sun never made me feel cold.”
“That’s because he’s always loved you.” Fili says it with such raw honesty and Kili smiles, smiles like Fili hasn’t seen in weeks.
Suddenly Kili is pulling him close and every smile Kili has ever smiled is pressed against Fili’s mouth.
Fili feels his cheeks turning red, the way that plums and raspberries stain. He is gasping into Kili’s mouth and Kili is whispering, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” between each press of lips.
When they return to the mountain after the battle Kili is all hands and blooming apologies and Fili is telling him that there is nothing to be sorry for. But Kili is gentle and soft at times, but he is never weak. He lives up to his mistakes and spends his days next to Fili and his nights wrapped between his legs.
And after months of rebuilding the mountain Kili comes running inside one day from the woods and Fili stops him as he notices a small bronze mark right beneath his eye.
“What is it?” Kili asks with a grin as he catches his breath.
“It seems that you’ve been sun kissed.” Fili says as he points to the new mark.
“Of course I have, I kiss the sun every morning and every night.” Kili leans forward and pressing their lips so tightly together that not even light could get between them.