Chapter Text
"Are you going to be okay?"
Felix doesn't answer right away. He's not sure that he knows how to.
So... "The most important thing is that he is," he puts forward instead. His friends all nod.
"Did they say when he can go home?" Chan asks.
"Tomorrow morning," he murmurs in response, heaving a heavy sigh as he drags a hand through the tangled mess that has become of his hair over the last few hours. "I should head there now, actually. Get everything in order. Separate our things and all that." He doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that he has to.
Jisung swallows. "You're not going to tell him?" He queries quietly.
Felix slowly blinks in reply. "He doesn't need me to on top of everything else," he eventually manages to get out before shaking his head. "What good would it do anyway? He's straight," he huffs a bit, attempting to joke, though completely humorlessly.
Minho elbows him lightly as soon as he does. "No, he just believes that he is."
"And he will until who knows when." Felix can't help that his tone comes out almost as hollow as he feels inside as he reminds him. "What's your point?"
"That you got him to realize that he wasn't once before?" The older is quick to shoot back, nonetheless, undeterred as he drawls in a manner that suggests he thinks Felix daft for even asking.
It has him smiling a little despite himself, and Changbin wastes no time humming his agreement as well. "And we're more than sure that you can do it again."
*
"Finals have just finished, at least. So you thankfully don't have to worry about classes for a bit. How are you feeling?"
Hyunjin doesn't answer right away. Felix isn't sure that he knows how to.
So... "Sorry, stupid question. Why would you want to even try to put that into words? Is there anything I can get for you?" he asks instead.
Hyunjin shakes his head. "It isn't all that different," he says.
Felix deduces that he's talking about their apartment after a minute, noting how the other's gaze is curiously flitting around all corners of it.
"From what I can remember, I mean," he continues. "I like the paintings hung up."
Felix smiles ruefully as he takes them in too. "I would hope so," he brings himself to lightly tease. "They're Hyunjin originals."
The wide-eyed look he's presented with at that revelation is priceless. "Mine?" He questions as if he can't quite believe it. (As is the way in which he's asked.) "What? How did I ever get –"
"So good?" He hazards a guess, amused. "You always have been, and you work to get better everyday, of course."
Hyunjin ducks his head at that, sways it a bit as the skin along his ear visibly pinks. "The courage," he corrects lowly. "To show you those, I mean? And to agree to have them displayed out here for everyone to see?" He gestures vaguely with his hands. "I don't even let anyone see my sketches."
Felix falters, contemplating how he should respond. "That's right, you didn't," he starts carefully, recalling how self-conscious and sensitive Hyunjin once was of his art.
And honestly, he still is to this day. They've spoken about how that's not something that one really grows out of, but Hyunjin has grown into himself enough over the last few years that things like his ever-present fear of not being good enough and worries of what other people may think don't really cripple him anymore, Felix thinks.
"You're just a lot more confident and self-assured now, I'd say," he tells him thoughtfully. "You're an inspiration, really."
Hyunjin doesn't seem convinced. "I feel like I've stepped into an alternate universe."
Felix's lips twitch with a smile. "That's one way of looking at things."
Internally, he thinks that maybe that way would be easier on both of them.
*
"So we're roommates."
"And they were roommates..."
"Since Jisungie moved out to live with Minho-hyung?"
"Correct."
"Because they're dating?"
"Also a fact."
"When did that happen?"
He shifts up to lean on his elbow, peering over at Hyunjin who's lying on own his bed across from his. "Towards the end of freshman year for us, give or take?"
"Didn't they hate each other?"
He slightly shrugs. "I got Minho-hyung to swallow his pride and ask Jisung to compose a song for him to use for his dance final, and you got Jisungie to swallow his pettiness of the highest spite and agree. The rest is, as they say, history."
"So they owe us their lives," Hyunjin concludes, jokingly sage, and out of Felix tumbles a snicker.
"Basically," he agrees. "Especially after we proposed to swap roommates midway through our second year. Jisung kept kicking you out when they'd be over here, and I kept exiling myself from the apartment when they'd get scarring-ly loud and I could hear them even through the walls over there, so the two of us ended up together most nights either way. It just made sense."
"And you didn't mind?" He's asked curiously. "Leaving that apartment with your own room only to have to share one space here? And with me at that?"
Felix snorts. "What's wrong with you?"
And Hyunjin answers without missing a beat. "The list is as long as I've let my hair grow out these past three years," he dramatically declares, and while Felix can't say that he agrees with that statement, he's so endeared at the moment that he doesn't interrupt to voice that. "But barring all that, you've known Minho-hyung since you were, like, kids, right? You'd known me a lot less. You didn't put up a fight to stay?"
Felix doesn't know how to tell him that the thought to had never even tiptoed into his mind, not when all he'd wanted (still wants, will probably always want) was to stay with Hyunjin.
*
"Has he remembered anything?"
"Not unless you count the fact that I used to have a crush on Changbin." Felix scrunches his face in faux-distaste, and the older chucks a fry at him from his spot adjacent to him in the diner booth.
"Ah, even as he is right now, Hyunnie knows that younger you was onto something," he claims, wiggling his eyebrows.
Felix fondly rolls his eyes but doesn't disagree.
"And you're sure that you don't wanna come stay with us?" Minho is asking him soon though, for at least the eighth time since the start of this whole... ordeal. "You know your old room's always ready for you."
"I know, but I'm sure," he answers on an exhale, for at least the tenth. "I don't wanna be away from him – even if it is strange sleeping and waking up in the same room sans him next to me."
His friends all grant him their own versions of a sympathetic look in a second. He glances down at his mostly untouched food to avoid them.
"Like I said, all that matters is that he's here, alive and well, even if our relationship isn't."
*
"Can I ask you something?"
He turns away from the movie playing on his laptop to take in Hyunjin curled up on the other end of their tiny couch. His head rests against the back of it, dark hair fanning out prettily against light grey as it does, and the familiarity that hits him at the sight is enough to make him ache.
"You can ask me anything," Felix is fast in softly saying in reply despite it.
Hyunjin acknowledges him with a grateful hum, and, "My parents," he begins just as silently. Felix has to brace himself at the unexpected mention of them. "They're in America right now but called earlier to ask how I've been since the accident."
"Oh," he mumbles weakly, fidgets while attempting to tread carefully when he goes on to ask, "What'd you tell them?"
"The truth." Hyunjin finally peels his gaze away from the ceiling above them to look over at him. "That you've been more than lovely and taking great care of me, that is."
His breath immediately hitches.
"They told me that they were glad that I'm okay but kinda skirted around me even bringing you up. It was weird." He absentmindedly tugs on his ear as he turns his head away again.
"But what was even weirder was this feeling that I got that we're not as close as we used to be?" He continues. "I mean, even over the phone, I could tell that our conversation was kinda strained? Like on their end? Like they weren't sure how to speak to me? I don't know," he states on a sigh. "I was just wondering if you know anything about that?"
Felix suddenly feels sick. He doesn't think that he can get into the extent to which he knows, actually, and certainly not the role that he played in creating all that unease between Hyunjin and his parents in the first place.
He coughs. "They've just never liked me very much, really, and you guys have had your share of issues since you chose to major in dance," he settles on saying as way of explanation instead... and all that's true, even if it doesn't come close to being the full story, and he thinks that counts.
Hyunjin slowly nods, appearing to think it over. "That makes sense."
"Did your talk with them bring up any memories though?"
He shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry."
And Felix's brow instantly furrows. "What are you apologizing for? I should be the one saying that to you."
Hyunjin huffs, glances his way again and wets his lips, hair still so stunningly spread around him. "It's just that... you look at me like you're sad, Lix." He reaches over and wraps his fingers around Felix's wrist, squeezes, once, twice, three times, and that ache hits him once again full force. "I don't want you to be sad anymore."
*
They're at Chan's for a night of barbecue and beers, and Felix finds it hard to be sad now that the eight of them are all together again for the first time since the accident.
"You can't be absolutely certain that I haven't fallen into a parallel world though. I mean, how could you even know if not?"
And it's unequivocally impossible to be with Hyunjin at his side.
"Your Hyunjin could be trapped in my world as we speak for all you know. Aren't you the least bit worried for him?"
And that fact doesn't budge in the slightest despite throwing the other's adorable drunken babbles as he leans most of his weight on Felix into the mix.
"As long as there's a Felix there too, I'm sure he's fine," he replies easily with an endeared smile, which only widens at the answer he's supplied:
"I hate that you're right. You're, like, my angel, Felix." (Even if it does slightly sting being called that like he's used to but not in the context that he is.)
In the background, Seungmin and Jeongin have busted out the karaoke machine and are beautifully belting out a ballad from their favorite drama (albeit in American accents, for some reason) as Chan and Changbin playfully fence with baguettes slash slow dance to it, and Minho and Jisung bicker over one thing or the other in the corner.
The latter of the last pair is telling the older to get lost – but, "Not in my eyes, dumbass," he's soon laughing out as he pushes his boyfriend away, who only stares more unblinkingly at him and holds onto him even tighter.
"I would hope the rest of these idiots are there with him as well," he adds with a giggle, moving a hand up to leisurely comb his fingers through Hyunjin's hair, making him sigh in content.
"Me too. Honestly, alternate universe or not, I'm so lucky to have found friends in all of you."
Felix presses a kiss to his temple to hide the way that his voice cracks a little upon hearing that as he mumbles into his skin, "And we're all lucky to have you. Whichever version that you may or may not be, you're still our Hyunjinnie. Always will be."
*
Classes start back up again after that, and things go on more of the same over the next few weeks.
They have meals and study together (though much more often now as Hyunjin attempts to catch up on the curriculum (read: curse the day they ever became seniors) and Felix attempts to help him).
They game and hang out with the others a lot and binge movies and shows that they've both already seen but Hyunjin has no memory of ever watching. (He'd bragged once about this being just about the best perk of getting amnesia.
"Best implies that there's more than one," Felix had been swift in pointing out. "And I'm equally concerned and curious about your thought process behind that."
Hyunjin had simply waved his hand dismissively. "You know how people always say they'd give anything to watch their favorite shows and movies again for the first time?"
And he'd almost laughed at the absurdity. "Yeah, I'm not sure that anything means all memory of the last three years of their lives, Hyun."
But the other had only winked back at him ostentatiously. "Point is, they wish they were me, my Lixie.")
They talk for hours on end at times and not at all at others, and it's seldom awkward between them, even when they fall asleep together – they do in their own separate beds mostly but have in the arms of each other on occasion. (On mornings following nights like these, with the curtains drawn and the rest of the world and Hyunjin still asleep, Felix can almost convince himself that everything is as it was before...
But Hyunjin's eyes will open eventually, and though they will regard him with warmth and fondness without hesitation, they won't immediately fill with the unbridled burning and reverential affection Felix had grown so accustomed to and fears he may never get back.
(And he's okay with that... a majority of the time, okay with simply having the title of Hyunjin's roommate and apparently best friend as long as he has him... But sometimes, he allows himself to be miserable and miss his boyfriend as well.))
*
Her name is Ayrin, and they meet in the library.
She's gorgeous and generous and kind of a genius, and her laugh sounds like what grapes taste like.
– Or at least, that's what he's gathered from all Hyunjin's gushing over the past week.
"She lives in my building and rides a cute little green bike to get around campus, from what I've seen. I could put a fat lock on it to keep her from going anywhere tomorrow if you wanted," Jisung suggests with a shrug, concurrently earning a considering nod from Changbin and a scolding smack on the shoulder from Chan in a second.
Felix finds it in himself to laugh. "As tempting as that offer and truly evil of a plan that is, I really don't think it'll be necessary, Ji. They're just... meeting up for coffee," he says, shrugging too. "That doesn't have to mean anything."
He tries to tamp down the slide show playing in his mind of Hyunjin's smile when he'd told Felix all about his and Ayrin's... whatever... that would argue otherwise.
It's as if Jisung is able to see it as well. He sighs. "Even so – I still don't get why you're doing this, Lix? Why you haven't just told him?"
Felix steadies his breath as he goes for a smile of his own. "You can't tell someone they love you, Jisungie."
The other frowns thoughtfully, puffing his cheeks out in the process. "Okay, I don't not agree with that... But can't you tell him that you love him instead?"
"I just don't think that's what he needs right now, you know?"
"Well, what about what you need?" Changbin poses gently.
He slumps against Chan's side after a minute has gone by without him being able to formulate a reply.
*
"Hey, have you seen my rings?"
He doesn't look up from the assignment he's racing to get in before midday, only hums absentmindedly in question.
And, "My rings," Hyunjin repeats, rifling through the jewelry box stationed atop his desk, seemingly to no avail. "They're white and brown? I wear them all the time? I got them online?"
His fingers freeze where they'd been flying over his keyboard without abandon just a moment before.
"What did you say?" It's unclear whether or not he actually manages to get the words out.
– Especially since Hyunjin merely states, "I only just realized that I don't think I've seen them in weeks," and fails to notice that though Felix has very much gone stock-still, he's also somehow shaking simultaneously. "Do you know if I lost them in the accident maybe?"
His breathing has picked up too, and, "I..." He has to swallow before forcing himself to start again properly. "No, it was before then actually. That you lost them. I mean."
Hyunjin halts in his search to glance over at him. "I did?"
And he exhales shakily, not daring to look back. "Don't you remember?"
The other huffs but doesn't sound upset when he replies, "You know I don't, Yongbokie." He's taken to calling him that a lot these days, like he did when he and Felix had first gotten closer.
"Then how do you know about the rings?"
"I'm sorry?"
His eyes slam shut on their own then. "How do you know about the rings, Hyunjin? Our rings?" He clarifies, reaching into the neckline of his shirt to pull into view the necklace he always keeps hidden lately, his pair of their Homaika rings attached to the end of it.
"You bought them a little more than a year ago, before we even –" He cuts himself off, stricken. "You lost yours, but I still have mine. I don't wear them on my finger much anymore, but I've never taken them off."
Hyunjin blinks back at him, eyes the rings, eyes clouded. "I... I don't know," he mumbles after a beat. "How I know about them," he elucidates after, shaking his head. "I just... It's like a picture of them popped up in my head, and I just really missed them all of a sudden?"
Felix ducks his head to prevent the other from seeing how tears prick at his own eyes at that. "Oh."
"I'm sorry."
He sways his head, scoffs. "Why do you keep apologizing?" A hand scrubs down his face before he peers back up and smiles in what is sure to be way too wobbly a manner. "Besides, that's a good sign, I think, yeah? You remembered something, even if you didn't realize it and there are still some blanks surrounding the subject."
"Yeah." Hyunjin sighs. "What if there always will be though?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if I never remember and there will always be blanks? About everything?"
Felix fights against his throat closing up, shakes his head again. "I thought I told you already. You'll still be Hyunjin," he gently reminds him. "No matter what."
"And you'll be Felix… my angel?"
He gulps with a nod.
"And we'll be Hyunjin and Felix? Felix and Hyunjin?"
"Always."
"Who apparently have couple rings?"
A giggle bubbles out of him unexpectedly. "Had, but yes."
"Will you tell me about them?"
Felix holds a hand out and squeezes once, twice, three times when Hyunjin unhesitatingly takes it in his own. "I'll tell you anything. All you ever need to do is ask. I promise."
*
"Hey, is it okay if I bring Ayrin tonight?"
He feels just about all eyes in the room land on him instantaneously.
Subtlety? His friends have never heard of her. He's glad that Hyunjin's eyes are glued to his phone, leaving him to miss the blatant display of their complete lack of it.
Chan, at least, tries to play it cool as he casually asks, "Like as your date?"
But it's as if Hyunjin can sense the tension that's emerged around him all of a sudden anyway. "Uh, I don't know? She and I are just kind of hanging out right now," he answers slowly. "Why? Is that not okay? I don't... really remember how these things go – obviously." He exhales nervously, running a hand through his hair. "Can we not bring people to the shows?"
"No. No, of course you can," Chan rushes to assure him, gesticulative. "We encourage that, in fact. Support's always sick, you know," he says a little awkwardly. "It's just that –"
His eyes dart to Felix for a moment, who minimally shakes his head at him and mentally tries to communicate that it's fine and not to say anything.
Chan seems to get the message. "I think we're all curious about how serious you two are, is all." ... More or less.
"Yeah, you've been spending a lot of time together lately," Jeongin decides to pipe up. "We're kind of jealous."
"So jealous," Seungmin jumps in.
"The most jealous," Changbin does too.
"We'd just feel better if we had you all to ourselves tonight, you know?" Minho slings an arm around Hyunjin's shoulder, while Jisung beams at him too widely from his other side.
"Yeah, what they all said."
Felix almost snorts.
And though a surge of admiration fills him up undoubtedly at what they're clearly trying to do for him, the sharp guilt he feels at Hyunjin being out of the loop outweighs any of it.
"Come on, don't guilt-trip him, you guys," he reproaches lightly before turning to Hyunjin with a small smile. "Of course you can bring her, Jinnie. It'll be fun."
"Are you sure? I wouldn't wanna make things weird."
He falters, shakes his head. "Wouldn't be your fault if anything was. Trust me."
Hyunjin's eyebrows furrow. "Then whose fault would it be?"
Mine.
*
No one faults him for leaving the bar early, slipping out as soon as 3Racha's set is over, sending the trio a text about how amazingly brilliant and cool they were, 'like always!', and informing them that he's off.
But he faults himself.
He's being stupid and unfair, he knows.
Hyunjin only brought his date to their friends' gig tonight like Felix encouraged him to. But while nothing has – and he doesn't think anything ever will – hurt as much as coming so close to losing Hyunjin for good, seeing the love of his life happy with someone else like he once was with him comes a close second.
And he can only blame himself for that for not telling Hyunjin about them in the first place.
"Why haven't you told me?" Felix imagines Hyunjin sitting cross-legged across from him right now and asking. "The real reason."
He folds in on himself, digging his face into his knees and almost whimpers. "It's just... You took so long to want me back in the way that I've always wanted you –" his words break off with a sob, and he furiously swipes at his eyes. "What if you never do again? What if the reason you can't remember me and us is because deep down you don't want to?"
*
He wakes to long fingers carding through his hair.
Felix isn't even sure when he fell asleep, but his back hurts, and his eyes feel puffy to the point that he can barely open them, especially against the light overhead.
"Oh, baby," he hears above him as he nuzzles further into the touch that roused him from slumber and lifts a hand to his face to shut out all the brightness.
"Hyunnie?" He grumbles groggily in reply, still not fully conscious.
"Yeah, it's me, angel."
"What're you doin' here?" He slurs, reaching upwards to draw his love into his arms without thought.
"I came for you, silly," he's answered back as his hug is returned just as readily. "Come on. Let's get you home, yeah? It's really late."
He sighs, shakes his head as much as he can in their position. "Don't wanna let go. Never wanna let go."
*
His head flies down to the table in front of him, and he groans against the wooden surface. "How do I ask him if I imagined or dreamed that whole thing up?"
Minho hums, thoughtful, then flicks his temple to make him look up at him. "Well, did he say anything the next day?" He quizzes simply, walking back into the kitchen.
Felix thinks back on it. The following morning, he'd anxiously stuttered out a thank you to Hyunjin for getting him home the previous night, and after the other had brushed it off as nothing, he'd asked how Hyunjin even knew where he was.
Because while neither of them are strangers to disappearing to the dance studio in times of distress, the particular room that he'd been in is located at the far end of the building and no more than a storage space at this point... but it's also where the two of them met in freshman year when it was still being used for classes.
He'd gotten a shrug in response to his inquiry. "You always go there when something's wrong, and you seemed off at the bar, so I figured. Do you wanna talk about it?" Hyunjin had offered sweetly.
But all Felix had wanted to know was whether Hyunjin knew that from experience or if Felix or one of the other guys had said something about it at some point over the last few weeks.
He didn't ask.
"Not anything indicating that either of us acted out of the ordinary –" he shook his head and clarified, "– ordinary for us since the accident anyway, or that any of his memories have come back."
Minho makes a noise of understanding from where he's plating their lunch. "Well, have you asked him if any have?"
He shakes his head. "Not recently. I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him," he says sincerely, suspiring, "and... I'll be okay if they never do."
"I know." The older nods a little and gifts him a small comforting smile. "But you should still talk to him, I think," he advises. "I know that you're scared. But he loves you, Lix. Even if he doesn't know just how much right now."
*
"Hey, is that me?"
"Hmm?" Hyunjin's pencil pauses in its path across a page of the book in his lap. "Oh. Yeah, it is." He shifts to face Felix, beams at him so beautifully. "Our prompt today was 'home.'"
He swallows thickly. "'Home?'"
Hyunjin shrugs, easy as anything. "I immediately thought of you."
And all wind is promptly punched out of him. "You... You think of me as home?"
The other blinks back at him as if confused by the question. "Aren't you?"
Felix doesn’t think crying would be an appropriate way to answer that, so he takes a seat instead, breathes deeply before starting, "Hey, so when you picked me up on Saturday –"
Hyunjin seems to immediately know what he wants to talk about. He closes his sketchbook, places it on the table in front of them, then shifts all his attention to Felix, who’s sat beside him. "Did I overstep?"
"No, no," he assures, swaying his head, unable to meet the eyes so focused on him currently. "I just… I wondered if you maybe..."
"Remember?" Hyunjin tries tenderly, trying to get him to look at him. "I don't. I'm sorry.”
Felix only humorlessly laughs. "You really should stop saying that.”
But Hyunjin isn’t finished. He shakes his head as well. "I don't remember exactly, but I think I've... figured it out?"
The words cause his eyebrows to pull together. "Figured what out?"
He isn’t given a response straight away, but Hyunjin is sure to maintain eye contact once he provides one. "That you and I – we're something more?" He whispers, and everything immediately collapses around him.
"Wh–What do you mean?"
Hyunjin wets his lips, appears to think over how it is that he wants to communicate what he wishes to. "Ayrin asked if she could kiss me,” he begins slowly, and Felix begins slowly withering from the inside out, “and all I could think about was how much it would probably make you sad if she did.”
Then his breath ceases completely. "You… What? I didn’t – I mean, it wasn’t my intention to make you feel that way.” He starts to panic. “I’m sorry. I–I didn't realize –"
Hyunjin doesn’t let him continue though, hurriedly enclosing his hand in his own, "It's not because of anything you've done since she and I started hanging out, Lix. You've been perfect," and squeezing, once, twice, three times to calm him down. "It was... something inside of me that let me know.”
He’s not exactly sure how to react to that. "And–And so?"
"And so I couldn't. Kiss her,” the other lets him know. “And she was cool about it, and we still had a good night, but all I could think about was how much better it'd have been if you hadn't left.”
Felix’s heart stutters in his chest. "Really?"
"Really, really.” Hyunjin starts caressing the skin in his grasp. "And so I came home to you. Only you weren't here.” He shakes his head. "But it was like my feet took me to the studio on their own.” In the present, it’s like his fingers tangle with Felix’s on their own.
“And you looked so miserable when I found you, Yongbokie, even in your sleep, and all I wanted was to somehow make it better... and you calling my name like that, like I was the only one who could –" He cuts off, voice thick, before peering up at Felix again, eyes wet. "Why didn't you tell me?"
He knows.
And Felix’s eyes aren’t any dryer at that realization, not by a long shot. He pulls them closed and trembles, holds onto Hyunjin’s hand tighter, as if he’ll evanesce right before him if he doesn’t. "So many reasons," he pushes against the sob obstructing his throat to tell him. "The accident was..." He attempts to get his breathing right for this. "We were all so thankful that you weren't affected much physically, and of course, you were too at first.
But finding out that you'd lost the last three years of your life? That was hard enough on you as it was, and I... I didn't want to make things even more difficult for you. I couldn’t,” he hangs his head as he cries. “And even if the sexuality crisis was by some means easy enough to work through, I didn't want you to feel guilty or like I expected something of you or that you owed me anything just because we..."
Hyunjin reaches up to brush his tears away, so gentle in his movements, like he always was, like he always has been. "Because we...?"
It makes him weep even harder. "You know.”
"I need you to say it, baby."
"Because we were together. In every sense of the word," he manages to choke out, leaning into the burning touch he’s missed so fucking much. "I also just... I didn't want to make it as if this was something that happened to me, you know?"
Hyunjin nods. "I understand.”
And Felix exhales unsteadily, because of course he does. He’s the angel. "Besides, I keep telling you. Memories or not, you're still my Hyunjin.” He means that. He means that with every fiber of his being.
"But?"
"But I'm scared," he confesses timidly, torn. He means that too.
"Scared?"
That you'll never love me again. Not like I love you.