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Jake has never been insecure.
Okay, maybe never is too strong of a word. Jake has felt things that could possibly be defined as insecurity (not that he would admit it), but he hasn’t in a long time. Not since he let Hangman take over his entire being, leaving Jake holed up behind a locked door he hasn’t tried to pry open in years.
But now… now that he’s saved Bradley’s life and rekindled things between them, Jake has begun banging on the metaphorical door that separates who he is from who he wishes he could be. And somehow, by some power he doesn’t know existed, Bradley’s managing to worm his way into the crevice beneath the door, not bothering to open it, but crawl into the space beside him.
Bradley sees him for who he really is, and maybe that’s why they’ve always had problems with each other. To Bradley, Hangman is nothing more than an act to hide how insecure Jake really is on the inside, and this x-ray vision got under Jake’s skin long before he understood he had feelings for the man. But now, Jake knows he has those feelings and they’re reciprocated, and it’s like nothing could ever get better because Bradley knows Jake -- he isn’t going to be scared away by Jake’s rollercoaster of emotions or his hatred of appearing vulnerable. Bradley won’t leave him to suffer alone when he has a nightmare because Bradley knows , and he was there for half of the fuel, anyway.
So it’s only fitting that something would happen, even if it’s only Jake’s mind playing tricks on him.
---
It’s several months after the mission when it happens.
On a rare day off, Jake’s in the bathroom getting ready despite having no reason to leave the house. Leave it up to all his years in the Navy for that; he hasn’t had a lazy day in forever, and he’s unlikely to start soon. Regardless, he’s brushing through his hair with the tips of his fingers when he spots it -- a gray hair. Or, a gray hair followed by the rest of its family. Sitting there. In the front of his hair.
“Oh my god,” he mumbles.
Jake leans in closer to the mirror and squints. It doesn’t look like there are any more besides that patch, but it’s noticeable enough that if someone looks close enough they’ll see it.
“Oh my god,” he repeats, albeit a bit louder.
“What’s wrong?” Bradley calls from the bedroom.
Bradley, unlike Jake, chose to stay in bed despite Jake’s protests to get up at the ass crack of dawn. He obviously didn’t go back to sleep if he’s responding so quickly and clearly to Jake’s horrified voice.
Jake could yell back a million different things: I’m getting old, Bradshaw ; I’m graying against my will ; I can never show my face to Maverick again after calling him old so much ; but he says nothing. There’s no way he can make a joke about this that doesn’t end in his greatest fears being spilled to Bradley within minutes of opening his mouth. God, he’s such a baby. It’s just hair and it doesn’t--
“Sweetheart?” Bradley’s husky voice sounds from behind him.
Jake startles, tearing his hands away from his hair.
“I thought you wanted to sleep in.” He knows he’s deflecting, but it’s better than the other option.
“I can’t sleep when you’re not with me,” Bradley says, his gaze traveling over Jake’s body. “It doesn’t look like anything’s wrong.” He frowns.
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“Then why did you sound upset?” Bradley’s never been imposing, even with his inch over Jake and brick shithouse build, but Jake’s questioning how much of an effect being raised by Admiral Kazansky had on him, especially with the way he’s watching Jake with a calculating gaze.
“I…” Fuck, he needs to come up with something quickly. “I ran out of hair gel.”
“The gel you basically buy in bulk so you’ll ‘always look good’?” Bradley raises an eyebrow.
“Yep. I must’ve forgotten to order some more.” He really hopes Bradley doesn’t look over and see the full container of hair gel sitting on the counter.
“Right…”
“Mm-hmm.”
They stand in silence for several seconds until it’s unbearably awkward and Jake looks away.
“Look, I gotta -- Oh, is that my phone ringing? I should probably get that.” Jake turns to leave the bathroom even though his phone is most definitely not ringing. He feels bad for lying to Bradley, but this is moving much closer to ‘feeling things’ territory than he’d like.
Bradley grabs his wrist and holds him in place. “What’s going on, Jake?”
“Nothing, I just need to get my--”
“We both know your phone isn’t ringing.” Bradley levels his gaze with Jake. “And I know you’re not out of hair gel. It’s sitting right there on the counter. So, tell me what’s really going on.”
Jake inhales a shaky breath. Bradley’s going to think it’s stupid if he tells him the reason he’s acting so weird; better yet, he’ll make fun of him for needing to ‘look perfect.’ He doesn’t think he could listen to that and make it out without another dagger in his heart (absolutely no pun intended).
“I told you, it’s nothing.”
Bradley sighs. “I thought we got over this, Jake.”
“There’s nothing going on! What do you want me to say? That I’m only good for one thing and when that’s gone you’re not going to want me anymore?”
…Well, fuck.
This is exactly why he didn’t want to open his mouth in the first place. Leave it to him to word vomit his feelings just when he’s trying not to.
“What?” Bradley’s voice has softened, barely above a whisper.
Jake bites his lip.
“What are you talking about, sweetheart?”
He looks down at the floor. “I… found some gray hairs, and I know it’s not a big deal to most people, but I’m not most people. I’m me. And if I’m going gray, it means I won’t be attractive anymore and you’ll have no reason to keep me around.”
Bradley laughs. It’s more of an amused chuckle than anything, but it still stings. Here it comes--
“Jake, baby, some gray hairs aren’t going to change the way I feel about you. You could go entirely gray by next month and I’d still think you’re the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen.”
The admission punches Jake in the stomach. He really -- Bradley really feels that way about him?
“But what if you didn’t?” He knows he’s grasping at straws, but he needs to hear it about a thousand times for it to stick.
Bradley caresses his cheek and lifts his head up until they’re making direct eye contact.
“Nothing will change my feelings for you. I’ve been in love with you too long to let something so trivial stop me from having what I want.”
“What’s that?”
“You,” Bradley whispers.
He presses a kiss to Jake’s temple, murmuring “I love you” against his skin.
Tears well up in Jake’s eyes. “I love you, too.”
They stand there for several minutes until Bradley pulls away. “Now let me see, sweetheart.”
“Promise me you won’t laugh.”
Bradley swats at him. “Did you not listen to a word I said?”
Jake cracks a smile. “You know I’ve never been good at listening.”
“You’re going to get it.” Bradley laughs.
Jake may have a lot left to overcome, but at least he knows Bradley will be there with him every step of the way.