Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Peridot POV.
Some time living at the barn together, Lapis always seems to look weird at me, her eyes are always staring and when we talk, she always mentions our old ways. I know she's traumatized but come on, we've been okay for months by now, she needs to move on!
Sometimes I hear her whispering, but I don't really understand what she's saying, tho, she's probably talking about how Jasper and I used her at the ship and all of that stuff. I'm really getting tired of that, it must've been hard but come on!
Sometimes I wonder if I could change the way we're living now, it makes me really uncomfortable to be honest, but, what if I ask her what's really going on? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she just wants me to leave and she was lying this whole time she's been living here with me..

Lapis POV.
I've been living with Peridot since steven brought me to the barn, she tries so hard to be with me but things just feel different, Peridot was tall, threatening, cool.. but now she's just.. her.
A lot of things have changed, but I didn't expect her to do so, I really felt something for her but now, she has just changed her whole personality just because she doesn't have her limb enhancers, I miss the old her but I don't want to say It, she may take it wrong.. What am I going to tell her if she asks? "Oh no, I just hate you now and want you to be rude and with fucking limb things to make you look less stupid." That would literally break her, and that doesn't really feel good to say.. I guess I'll just live with it.

Peridot POV.
Okay, I think I'm ready to ask her, I have it all planned now, I'll just go there and sit with her, then I'll talk to her, then I'll wait for her to say something about, you know, that, and If she doesn't I'll just bring it up! Easy, right?

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Peridot approaches Lapis as she waves. - Heyy Lapis! How are you today?

Lapis looks at Peridot sitting next to her. - Are you okay? You look we-

Peridot interrupts Lapis. - Good! I'm very glad, what are you doing?

Lapis looks directly at peridot staring right onto her eyes. - You didn't let me finish, you look weirder today.

Peridot starts sweating a little bit because of Lapis staring at her. - I.. um.. Wait, weirder?

Lapis covers her mouth with her hands quickly. - Sorry! I didn't mean that, really.

Lapis sights and moves a little away from Peridot. - Look.. it's really hard, okay? Everything is different now.. You are different, and it just feels different.. I liked you Peridot.

Peridot looks sad to lapis until she hears the last sentence, her face went slightly red but still sad, even more than before.

Lapis - Sorry!! I shouldn't have said that, I'm really really sorry peridot, you're not the problem, really.

Peridot slowly stood up and after looking at Lapis one last time she ran away out of the barn.

Peridot POV.
I knew it was something like that, I didn't know she liked me but I know what I have to do now.. If she doesn't want me like this, then, I'll just never come back like this.

I'm at Steven's house now, I told him everything and Amethyst overhead, such a sneaky clod. Anyway, Steven told me I just need to be myself, but Lapis doesn't want me to be myself, and I want to be with Lapis.. I love her. Amethyst said she'll help me but I don't trust her acts, really. I just hope this works..

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Peridot POV
So, Lapis likes me how I was before huh? Alright, she'll get it. Amethyst is helping me find my old limb enhancers. Those were my everything back then, if I don't find them, I'll just make new ones. I don't care how hard it'll be, I'll do anything to get Lapis back.

I don't know if I should back off, I mean, this whole thing is messed up. But I love her, and I want her to love me like I do. But what if I go back and she still doesn't want me? …

Lapis POV
My stars… what did I do.. Peridot ran away because of what I told her and she's been gone for a long time. She never does that, I'm scared that something happened to her. This is all my fault, I shouldn't have told her, I should've stayed quiet.

Some days went on and Lapis couldn't stop thinking about peridot. Has she been hurt? That was a possibility and lapis couldn't handle being there doing nothing.
She got out of the barn and when she was about to fly, she heard the warp pad that the crystal gems had placed near there.
Lapis ran over there, hoping that her Peridot would come back.
When she saw her, something was off. Peridot, she came back, but she was different, she was taller.

"How?" Lapis thought, but the answer was obvious.

– Peridot.. – Lapid spoke, with a clear tone of guilt.

– Lazuli. –

That nickname, that was the one that peridot, the old peridot, used on her back when they were in the ship.

– Peridot, I'm sorry, I–

– No need, Lazuli. You were right, I am better like this – Peridot wouldn't listen to Lapis anymore, but that's what she wanted, right?

Peridot changed back, now Lapis should be happy and love her again, that was what she needed to do to make Lapis feel good with her again, now everything would go back to how it used to be.

(Lapis POV)

What am I going to do now? This is all my fault… I was so selfish and stupid, why did I have to tell her? I should’ve just stayed quiet, I’m such a fool…

I gotta do something about this, but what can I do? I’m useless.. I can’t even talk to Peridot without making her feel bad.

Wait! I know who can help!

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Peridot POV
So, Lapis likes me how I was before huh? Alright, she'll get it. Amethyst is helping me find my old limb enhancers. Those were my everything back then, if I don't find them, I'll just make new ones. I don't care how hard it'll be, I'll do anything to get Lapis back.

I don't know if I should back off, I mean, this whole thing is messed up. But I love her, and I want her to love me like I do. But what if I go back and she still doesn't want me? …

Lapis POV
My stars… what did I do.. Peridot ran away because of what I told her and she's been gone for a long time. She never does that, I'm scared that something happened to her. This is all my fault, I shouldn't have told her, I should've stayed quiet.

Some days went on and Lapis couldn't stop thinking about peridot. Has she been hurt? That was a possibility and lapis couldn't handle being there doing nothing.
She got out of the barn and when she was about to fly, she heard the warp pad that the crystal gems had placed near there.
Lapis ran over there, hoping that her Peridot would come back.
When she saw her, something was off. Peridot, she came back, but she was different, she was taller.

"How?" Lapis thought, but the answer was obvious.

– Peridot.. – Lapid spoke, with a clear tone of guilt.

– Lazuli. –

That nickname, that was the one that peridot, the old peridot, used on her back when they were in the ship.

– Peridot, I'm sorry, I–

– No need, Lazuli. You were right, I am better like this – Peridot wouldn't listen to Lapis anymore, but that's what she wanted, right?

Peridot changed back, now Lapis should be happy and love her again, that was what she needed to do to make Lapis feel good with her again, now everything would go back to how it used to be.

(Lapis POV)

What am I going to do now? This is all my fault… I was so selfish and stupid, why did I have to tell her? I should’ve just stayed quiet, I’m such a fool…

I gotta do something about this, but what can I do? I’m useless.. I can’t even talk to Peridot without making her feel bad.

Wait! I know who can help!

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Lapis went to the temple, hoping that Steven would be there. She knew that Steven was really good with emotional stuff and that he’ll be able to fix what she did to peridot.

He was her last chance.

Lapis arrived to see the gems talking with each other while Steven was sitting at the couch with a really worried expression.

Pearl looked around and saw Lapis standing by the door, she stopped talking, making the gems see her too.

– Oh! Lapis! We didn’t see you over there! Is everything alright? – Pearl spoke with a nervous tone.

– You know it’s not, I made a horrible mistake- – Lapis got interrupted by Steven running over to where she was standing.

– Steven, I need your help! –

– Peridot, right? She came here and asked me and amethyst for help, and amethyst helped her get her limb enhancers back. –

Lapis looked at Amethyst and she looked ashamed.

– I’m sorry! I just couldn’t stand seeing her all sad like that! She’s my friend, I wanted to help her.. I didn’t know it would result in her going back exactly to how she was before! Plus, it’s your fault! – That last sentence made Lapis really mad, she knew it was her fault, but Amethyst didn’t have to remind her!!

– Whatever’s going on, we need to stop Peridot. Lapis, what made her do that? – Garnet took the lead of the conversation before it escalated to a fight between Lapis and Amethyst.

– I.. uh… – Lapis didn’t know how to tell her, she was really ashamed of what she did, and the reason was really dumb! What would she tell her? “ Oh no, it’s just that I wanted to make peridot dominant again” Of course she wouldn’t say that!

The room went really quiet. Lapis sweating, Garnet waiting…

– It’s easy, she wanted Peridot to be dominant and treat her like shit again, because apparently Lapis likes that. –

The room went quiet again. Why? Why did she tell her?

– Nevermind that! She’s clearly sorry, we need to fix Peridot! – Steven broke the silence, he was right, they needed to tell peridot that everything’s okay, they need to get her back.

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At the barn, Peridot was looking at her old logs, she completely forgot about them…

Suddenly she heard someone coming, she thought that it was probably Lapis coming back, she was really shocked and Peridot didn’t understand why, she did what Lapis wanted.

Outside, Lapis was standing with Steven and the rest of the crystal gems, they were waiting for Peridot to come out, and so she did.

– What’s going on here? I don’t have time for this. –

– Peridot, we need to talk. – Garnet was the first one to speak.

– I’m not going to waste my time with you insignificant clods. –

Lapis stepped forwards. – Peridot. –

– What do you want, Lazuli?

– We need to talk.. About you.. –

– Lazuli, I don’t have time for this, I have things to do. – Peridot started sweating but acted as if nothing was happening.

– No you don’t. – Pearl said.

– Shut up ,you clod! –

Garnet told Pearl to keep quiet since this was something that they should talk on their own.

– Please peridot, listen to me.. I was wrong.. –

– No, you weren’t, I’m better like this, you were right to want me like this! –

– But this is not you! –

– Yes it is!! –

– Guys!! – Peridot and Lapis both turned around to see steven.

– This isn’t the way to talk about your problems, you’re just arguing!! –

Steven was right, they were just arguing, they couldn’t even speak to each other like normal.

Steven looked up to the crystal gems. – Go back to the temple, I’ll stay here. –

The gems did so and left. Peridot and Lapis stayed quiet while Steven explained how the conversation should go, after that, he left too.

They were alone now.

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Peridot and lapis were sitting in front of each other. They were thinking about what Steven had told them, talk, how could they do that? It was a really awkward moment of them just staring at each other silently.

– Lazuli.. I- – Peridot tried to be the first one to speak, but what would she even say?

– Peridot, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that.. –

Peridot stood up in annoyance and got closer to Lapis. – Lazuli, really, stop trying to redeem yourself, you did this, and now I’ll stay like this because I like it. Is it clear? –

Lapis stayed quiet for that statement, and the closeness made her really nervous so she couldn’t think straight.

– I’ll take that as a yes. – Having said that, Peridot went back to do what she was doing before.

(LAPIS POV)
That didn’t end up like I wanted it to be, Peridot is completely ignoring my thoughts! I can’t get her to change her mind at all…

I just wish that this wasn’t happening and that we would have a normal life away from homeworld..

(PERIDOT POV)
Log date, I don’t know. I haven’t shared my logs since the crystal gems poofed me, so I kinda have no Idea of what date it is.

Anyways, today Lazuli tried to speak with me about myself, I told her that we had nothing to talk about. She didn’t answer, so I left.

I am now at the top floor of the barn and once in a while I can’t help but look at her. She seems really bothered, I can’t understand why, maybe I need to convince her that this is better! But how am I going to be able to do that? Lazuli is not the kind of gem that changes her mind easily..

At the temple…
Steven arrived and the gems were a little confused. Why was Steven there? Has everything worked out? It was really quick for sure..

– I left them so they could speak alone, it can be really hard if someone’s watching you. –

– But Steven! What if they get hurt? You shouldn’t have left them, I’m going there right now. – Pearl said that while going to the door until Garnet held her arm to stop her.

– Pearl. You should leave them alone, it’ll be fine. –

– Alright. –

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(LAPIS POV)
This is it, I need to make her stop. It’s been long enough for her to realize that this isn’t helping.

I tried ignoring her, being rude to her.. But nothing’s working! I get that I used to do that a lot but that’s the only thing I thought would work.

Apparently, talking to her is still the best option but I won't do it if she isn’t willing to listen.

I can’t rely on Steven anymore because I told him that I would talk with her. It’s bad just lying to him so it’s worse if he finds out, I think.

Anyways, back to Peridot. I noticed her looking at me sometimes, it’s really weird and it makes me kind of uncomfortable… I don’t know why she’s doing that, do I look funny or something?

(PERIDOT POV)
Log date: uhh.. day two since lazuli has been ignoring me.

It’s weird that she’s not trying to change my mind, kinda awkward when our gaze meets, even though those eyes reflect the ocean even when we’re inside, I can’t get distracted by these minor things.

I’ve grown to notice a presence once in a while on the ceiling, I don’t pay attention to it because it doesn’t bother me, but when I feel it, Lazuli is nowhere to be seen.

I need to start getting closer to Lazuli. I feel kind of alone these days, I feel.. Empty, somehow.

Days go by. Lapis and Peridot are still ignoring each other, making both of them really annoyed. It was better when they at least said hello to each other, to hear their voices sometimes.

Not being able to stand this, Peridot finally made the move and spoke to Lapis.

– Lazuli, you’ve been ignoring my presence. –

– No way, I did not notice. –

…

(PERIDOT POV)
That didn’t go really smoothly, I guess I’ll need to try again next time.

It’s really bad Lazuli is such a hard rock, she won’t even let me talk with her!!

At least I’m trying to break the tension, she’s just appearing and disappearing!

I guess I just have to wait and see what happens…

I just don’t know what to do… I’m supposed to help her quit this, but I like this… I… I’m sorry, Peridot.

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(LAPIS POV)
Oh geez… I couldn’t resist it, I had to be dry with her, I want to talk but I can't concentrate if she has that look on her face!!

Anyways.. I get that she wants to break the tension and that’s so sweet coming from her but, I just can’t, I think it might be the guilt.. I need to get stronger so I can handle a conversation.

Lapis took a deep breath and went where Peridot was standing. Peridot looked at her and saw the best opportunity to tell her what she wanted to ask when they first spoke.

– Lapis!! *cof, cof* L-Lazuli. – Peridot got caught a little off guard so she kinda went “off character” for a moment.

– Uhh. Hi, Peridot.. – Lapis was a little nervous but spoke anyway. – I.. wanted to ask you something. –

– What is it? –

– It’s been a really long time since we last spoke normally and.. I… –

– I get it. I have noticed the lack of communication and it's really bothersome. – Peridot had an understanding look on her face which made Lapis a little less uncomfortable.

Which didn’t really last long since the silence came back again. That quiet and overwhelming silence. They didn’t know what to say anymore, they didn’t really have anything to talk about, just.. that.

– Heyy!! Guess who’s here!! Your favourite Ste-! – The talk was interrupted by Steven seeing the image of Peridot and Lapis standing there, staring at each other in silence. – W-what’s going on here? –

– Hey.. Steven..! – Lapis broke the silence by talking to Steven, it was nice seeing him again. – Don’t worry about it, everything’s alright, we were just.. talking..! –

– It didn’t look like you guys were talking.. –

– What are you doing here anyways? –

– I just wanted to check on you, Peridot won’t answer the calls so I had to come here.. – Steven looked at Peridot, she was standing behind Lapis at the moment.

– I see.. wel.. It’s normal that she doesn’t answer. She hasn’t been using her tablet in a long time.. It kinda worries me.. –

– It’s probably because she didn't use it back on the ship.. She’d always use her screen.. – Steven seemed even more preoccupied than Lapis herself. – Oh! oh! I forgot to tell you! –

– What is it Steven? –

– There’s this party in Beach city tomorrow and I wanted to ask you if you guys would come! You need a partner so you’ve got to come together! –

– That’s so sweet Steven, but I don’t think Peridot- –

– I’ll come – Peridot was standing next to them now. She had a poker face at that moment so it was hard to tell the reason why she agreed.

– This will be so much fun!! –

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The gems arrived at Beach City’s festival, there were a lot of people there and they were all divided in two, and so were they. Pearl with Amethyst, Steven with Connie, Garnet with herself, and of course Lapis with Peridot.

It was a little bit awkward but they went with it. Lapis just wanted to make Steven happy.

The festival was huge, there were food stands, games, music and a lot of festival-related stuff! There hasn’t been something like that ever, it was shocking.

– Come on guys!! – Steven was running around with Connie, they were looking at everything with happiness.. Wish it was like that with Peridot.

She’s so focused on her screen doing whatever and not paying attention. It’s like she isn’t even there, why did she even come in the first place?

Everyone got separated in pairs and went to different places, so now Lapis and Peridot were alone.

– So.. what do we do now? – Lapis wanted to break the tension between both of them at the moment, but Peridot didn’t answer.

…

– Peridot, answer me. –

…

– Peridot-! – Lapis got interrupted by a gesture Peridot was making. She had her finger covering her mouth as if she was telling Lapis to shut up. – What?! You were the one that wanted to come here-! – Peridot grabbed Lapis’s arm and led her somewhere.

Lapis had no idea of where they were going, this was all so sudden and extrange.

They arrived at a pizza place, it was open even though no one was there since everyone was at the festival. At the counter, there was a girl reading a book, she must be really bored, obviously.

– Excuse us, may we have a.. “pizza”? – Peridot asked the girl. Lapis was confused, why would Peridot ask for a pizza?

– Sure, but why aren’t you guys at the festival? I thought all the town would be there. – The girl went to make the pizza while talking to them to pass the time.

Lapis sat down at a random table while Peridot waited for the pizza at the counter. Peridot arrived at the table and sat in front of Lapis.

– So.. what are we doing here? – Lapis wanted to know the reason why Peridot was doing all of this. She knew Peridot was weird, but not that weird.

– I just wanted an excuse to try this.. “pizza”.. –

– It doesn’t seem like that’s the only reason. –

– You are right, Lazuli. That is not the only reason. – Peridot grabbed a slice of pizza and put it in her mouth.

– Then what is it? – Lapis didn’t eat, she just looked at Peridot.

Peridot finished the pizza slice and placed one of her hands on Lapis’s thigh. – I wanted to talk to you too. –

Lapis gulped by the sudden movement Peridot made, she didn’t expect her to do that at all. It reminded her of those things she suffered back in the ship.. it was…

– I miss you, Lazuli. I thought that if I did this you would like me again, but it’s like we don’t even know each other.. –

Lapis stood quiet, she didn’t know what to say… She felt really guilty, more than ever. She made Peridot do all that just to end up ignoring her.

– Lazuli.. Please.. –

– I’m sorry… – Lapis looked down with tears forming in her lower lids. She didn’t mean to do this, she didn't want this to happen.

Peridot noticed Lapis’s reaction and moved her hand slightly up, cupping her face with the other one.

– Hey.. Don’t cry.. It’s okay.. – It wasn’t okay, but Peridot wanted Lapis to feel okay. On the inside, she still cared about Lapis more than anything.

– But it’s not peridot, it’s not okay.. – Lapis was crying now, she felt so bad. She has been holding back these tears since day one.

Peridot cleaned Lapis’s tears. – Let’s finish this.. pizza, so we can go back home. –

– What about Steven..? –

– Forget Steven, Let’s go. –