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Himeno kept sitting on the closed toilet bowl as she tried not to expect anything.
She had found that she coped better with the pain and defeat if she got used to seeing negative pregnancy tests. Even if it meant staying that way for months. Even if she wished more each time to have a baby.
It's not going to happen, it's okay.
She repeated it to herself like a mantra. Although she knew that those words relieved her for a few moments, they only succeeded in accumulating her misery and dragging down her suffering. However, she knew of no other method that would make her feel better.
Sometimes, she felt that she was already lucky to enjoy hours and hours of sex with Aki and that should make her happy enough. She was together with him, and he wanted her.
It should be enough. And yet, she knew it wasn't.
She knew she was willing to keep trying until all her chances were over. Since the desire to give a child to Aki had settled in her mind, it was already something she could never ignore again.
And, as she waited, she sought to see another negative test, already entrenched in her routine. At least that would protect her from further disappointment.
And that's when she saw no negative result.
It was then that, to her disbelief, she contemplated the positive test result. If the result was positive, it meant that she was already waiting for a child. That she no longer had to keep trying. That her longing had become a reality.
That she was pregnant.
And so, she began to experience the shock.
“Himeno, you all right?”
Aki's question after knocking the bathroom door was clear, but, despite its simplicity, she knew she wouldn't be able to answer him. She trusted that Aki would understand her.
Not knowing how much time had passed, Himeno got up to leave the bathroom. She was not aware of the face she had adopted. It was also unclear to her whether she had turned off the bathroom light after leaving. After all, it was not something that mattered to her at the time.
The only familiar thing she recognized afterwards was Aki's expression full of concern.
After handing him the test, her face abandoned the shock and began to light up with relief and happiness. Aki looked at her and, in those moments, left behind all his journey through his past and focused on that present moment.
That reality that both had been chasing so much. Something that, at last, could stop being a wish.
Then Himeno watched her companion slide down the wall to sit on the floor.
“Aren't you going to say anything?” She commented smiling after joining him while holding him by the arm.
“I... wish I could” was his answer.
And she understood.
Aki was used to frequenting hospitals and, as such, had come to terms with the feeling of despondency that came with spending time in them. However, everything was different that day. There was no longer a dark or pessimistic approach. For the first time in a long time and in such an unexpected place, Aki felt excitement in a hospital.
He felt hope.
The man watched as the doctor applied clear gel to Himeno's bare abdomen. Somehow, despite his pleasant feelings, he felt like an intruder in such a situation: at the first moment when he would meet his future child.
Something that, to him, still sounded like a fantasy.
The device rolled across her abdomen as both she and Aki waited to identify something on the black and white screen next to them.
“All right... Do you see it there?”
They both looked at the white spot the gynecologist was pointing to.
“Is that the baby?” Himeno asked.
“Yes, there it is. It’s still too early to do a decisive test of its health. After the sixth week it’ll be easier to know more information about the embryo and we’ll be able to continue with the follow-up”.
Although he understood every word, Aki could not shake off the feeling of being a stranger in that room. Of how something he had been longing for more and more was becoming real before his eyes.
He couldn't help but feel overwhelmed and lucky at the same time. Then, as he stared at that black and white screen, he felt Himeno's hand on his. He turned his face towards it and simply squeezed that grip gently.
That gesture was what his body was asking him to respond.
That morning Aki was just finishing tying his uniform tie when he realized that it didn't feel like any other morning. That no morning was going to feel the same. Then he sighed, skeptical, when he saw Himeno come out of the room fully uniformed.
“I still don't get why you have to go to work”.
She approached him, almost amused by his complaining tone.
“How nice to hear that you care about me” She commented as she grabbed his uniform lapels and stroked them to rearrange them.
Aki frowned slightly at her words.
“I always care about you” He reproached her.
Himeno smiled, noticing how her teasing tone began to take on one more marked with tenderness.
“I'll just be in the office doing paperwork” She assured him “No devil hunting. Now that no one sees me at the bar, I'll have to say hi to people before I disappear on maternity leave”.
Those words seemed to echo in Aki's mind. Again, that feeling of being cut off from the real world was present.
“Okay?”
Himeno insisted, realizing that she hadn't received any response from him.
“... Okay” He murmured.
Himeno's hands left his lapels to move to caress his cheeks.
“You good?”
Aki kept his gaze averted for a few moments; he finds himself having to organize the thoughts in his mind to know which words to drop first.
“It’s just... I don't know... I just feel like... like none of this belongs to me” He confessed.
Himeno took some time to try to decipher his speech, although it always ended up being easy for her.
“This child is ours” She told him as if she was discovering it at that very moment “And we have to live it. Not be spectators”.
Aki had seen Himeno's vulnerable side more than once. He had had that privilege. He knew that, for his peace of mind, she was still a human being like him, she had her insecurities. Her uncertainties. However, he knew when her words were sincere. And that poise always managed to reassure him.
As the weeks went by, Aki became convinced of how impossible it would be for him to go on living without her by his side.
“Yes. You're right” He answered.
Himeno smiled and approached him to kiss his lips.
It was a simple caress, a token of affection. However, just the thought of his pregnant woman wanting to go to work caused a brief overbearing feeling to take control of him. So, Aki brought his face close to her swiftly to kiss her again, longer that time. Himeno let himself be done and accompanied the movement of that kiss as he felt Aki's hands embrace her waist.
Himeno slid her hands from Aki's cheeks to his temples and rested her fingertips there, tempted to ruffle his hair. She began to think that, if Aki insisted that way, she would quickly forget her purpose for going to the office that morning.
The woman grabbed the back of Aki's head to press her lips tightly to his and continue to lengthen that kiss, which she no longer remembered why it had started. Their teeth touched between each kiss, which seemed to refuse to end. At some point during those months Himeno had come to wonder if her encounters with Aki would continue even after she became pregnant. In that instant she had confirmed that she could never live without them.
After they parted, Aki watched her gaze.
Suddenly, he thought he didn't care about anything.
He didn't care about the outside world. His coworkers. Going back to his apartment to make lunch for Power and Denji. The only thing he wanted at that instant was to stay by Himeno's side.
“It's just today” She reminded him, as if she had guessed his thoughts.
She always did.
Later that afternoon Himeno thought that what motivated her most on that day at the office was knowing that she would be gone for a long time for something that made her happy. She tried to focus on her latest reports when a tiny voice interrupted her concentration.
“Hello”.
Himeno looked up from her desk.
“Kobeni” She greeted.
The girl shyly approached her table.
“How are you?”
“I'm fine. Looking forward to going home, like everyone else”.
Then Kobeni looked away.
“I... I just wanted to congratulate you. And tell you that I think you're very brave”.
Himeno blinked at her comment, surprised. Those comments had been too unexpected even from someone like Kobeni.
“Me?”
“Yes, you know... because of your baby. Makima told me the news”.
“Oh”.
Himeno was thoughtful. She didn't remember letting Makima know at any time.
“Well, thank you, Kobeni”.
She just smiled nervously. That was enough to ignite Himeno's curiosity, who didn't stop her next question.
“Would you want to have children someday?”
It wasn't hard to make Kobeni feel embarrassed. And that comment was certainly no exception.
“W-what?!? No! No, I mean, I... I don't see myself as a competent mother…” The girl confessed after averting her gaze “That's why I really think you’re so brave”.
Himeno smiled. She didn't know if it was out of compassion or gratitude. In any case, the feeling was warm.
“Thank you” She repeated.
Then Kobeni left her office and left Himeno wondering if brave was really the label she had ever considered herself to be. It was certainly too positive a thing for her to consider. She always had expected her decision to be taken as unconscious, reckless, or irresponsible; something she thought anybody could imagine.
Although only a dot was visible in the center of the photograph, Aki treasured it as if he were making an exciting discovery. He kept moving in front of his face the echography that the gynecologist had printed, trying to assimilate each moment and, little by little, rectify the thoughts he had shared with Himeno that very morning.
“It's not going to change no matter how hard you look at it”.
Aki practically jumped off the couch, upset at suddenly hearing Himeno's voice behind him. Besides, he could tell she was smiling, satisfied that she had scared him.
“Yeah, I just... wanted to look at it again” He muttered.
Himeno walked around the couch, sat down next to him calmly and leaned back on it. For his part, Aki checked that she wasn't abrupt in any of her movements, not caring about being exaggerated in his behavior.
It had been a long and strange day and, late in the evening, Aki decided to tell a decision that had been on his mind all day.
“Himeno...”
However, as soon as he got her attention, he sighed; a part of him was already regretting that proposal he hadn't even uttered.
“Let’s see... we're obviously going to be spending a lot of time together from now on. And that means that I'm hardly going to be coming by my apartment, so.... Well, you can refuse at any time”.
Himeno pinched the tip of his nose at all this beating around the bush.
“You're a doomsayer. Say anything already”.
Himeno could have impertinent remarks. But, for Aki, it was what he needed to go on. When he doubted, no matter in what way, she was always there.
“I... anyway, I want to stay here to take care of you”.
And our baby He simply thought; it still felt too huge, imposing, to be able to say it out loud.
“But I can't leave Power and Denji alone for so long”.
Then Aki paused and sighed.
There were so many things that could go wrong. Horrible ones. And, despite everything, he had no other way in mind. It was a matter of time that scenario to eventually happen.
“Then I thought they could live here too”.