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Too much had happened.
It was the loudest thought amongst the myriad of thoughts in Kathryn's head. She and Chakotay had shared an extensive array of experiences over their time in the Delta Quadrant. Many would probably think that would bring them closer. Make them tough enough to be able to withstand anything once they were home. Even tough enough to weather a relationship and the trials that went along with one.
But that wasn't true.
Not in this case.
Not in this reality.
They had seen too much. Felt too much where the other was concerned. They had watched each other skim the edges of death's dark abyss. They had hardened. Laughs had been shared progressively less while indifferent masks were held firmly in place. The warmth between them had persisted, but somehow held an icy edge of professionalism by the time they reached Earth. They had argued, they had kept bitter comments and thoughts to themselves, and they had withheld too much from each other near the end.
There was a deep and unrelenting love between them still, but it wasn't enough. It hadn't been enough while on Voyager and wasn't destined to be enough now. He had his life and she had hers. It wasn't a bad life for either of them. She had her rank, her career, and the knowledge that they had brought the crew home. She saw her family often and had learned to even take a break upon occasion. Meanwhile he had his own passions, his own driving forces that kept him busy and usually away from Earth.
It was only a chance encounter on DS9 that brought them together again after several months. She hadn't seen him since the one year reunion nearly nine months before. The reunion had felt like a turning point at the time, the point in which they would all officially go on with their lives. Afterwards Kathryn had had to make a serious effort to do so. It had taken time and a lot of unimpressed looks from her mother. Phoebe had even waltzed into her office to drag her out of the building a couple of times. Eventually, she had gotten the hint. And eventually she had gotten on with her life.
Seeing Chakotay sitting at a table in a corner of the bar hadn't surprised her too much. She'd heard from B'Elanna that he was in the area. It was the gentle smile that surprised her. There was warmth in his eyes again. The kind, gentle soul that she had grown so fond of was once more in her midst. It had felt like many, many years since she'd seen such a sight.
The initial conversation had begun just as she would have expected. Updates on both their lives. Laughing over stories about Tom and B'Elanna's adventures in raising a child. Slightly more serious discussions about Starfleet's most recent actions and plans for future endeavors. It was calm, friendly, and comfortable. They spoke with an ease that had been fought for and earned over the course of their journey.
Any animosity, grudges, or bitterness was securely pushed aside. Not forgotten, just no longer important. Without the constant reminders, without the constant threats and stress, none of it seemed important any longer. It was only then, as they sat and enjoyed each other’s company, that Kathryn realized how far they had truly come since the beginning of their journey. Only then did she realize how very un-ready for a regular life they had been upon first returning.
So much had happened. Too much. Far too much to process quickly, too much to forget, too much to simply accept. They would never be ready for a romantic relationship now. That time had long passed. As she held his gaze from across the tiny table, she knew he realized that as well.
Life had dealt them a bad hand. The price of overcoming the obstacles had been their love. Though she hadn't truly realized it at the time, their opportunities had come and gone until any chances had wasted away. It hadn't been realistic in the Delta Quadrant, it hadn't been realistic to hope for change upon their return, and it would illogical to assume they could start again. She could see that now. She could see it clearly.
But she could also more easily remember the good times now as well.
That hadn't been true at one time. Not so long ago she had found herself sitting in a far-too-large office during one of a hundred restless nights, going over ever decision she had made. Dissecting each scenario and wondering if she could have saved a life by changing one small choice on her part. Faces of crewmembers had haunted her nights while memories of regret and self-loathing followed her during the day.
But she had moved. And so had he.
His warm eyes seemed to smile as he laughed. Gradually the laughter faded and he looked down at the glass in his hand with a bittersweet expression. An expression of fond remembrance and sad acceptance. "It's been nice to do this again," he said. He looked up and met her gaze with a softened expression before continuing. "I wasn't sure we'd reach this point, considering..."
He didn't need to finish. There had practically been icicles in the air around them the last time they had been alone. The cold detachment had been overshadowed only by bitter disdain and the unspoken words which had been hanging between. She returned his smile with one of her own. One which she had fought hard to reclaim.
"I've missed it as well," she confessed. "I'd forgotten there for awhile what it was like."
"What we were like? What we were like in the beginning?" It wasn't really a question. He already knew what she meant.
She simply smiled a little more in answer.
"We'd lost something for awhile," he continued. He glanced down at his glass again as his thumb ran along the rim. "Maybe more like a part of ourselves than anything actually between us. I think...." A flash of somber contemplation crossed his features. "I think I've found it again though."
She nodded and reached for her own drink. "I think I have as well," she replied. She brought the glass to her lips and let the bold flavor of the coffee slid down her throat comfortingly before she looked up to meet his stare. The concern she saw etched in his face was more comforting than even the coffee. She hadn't known it was possible. Or maybe she'd simply forgotten. "It's been...a long and twisting path to get here."
"That's putting it mildly." A familiar hint of humor made his eyes shine again.
She chuckled and leaned forward, placing her hand atop of his. She gave it a light squeeze, which he readily returned. "I've missed you, Chakotay. I really have."
"I've missed you too, Kathryn. I have to admit though...." He paused for a moment as he tried to hold back a smile. "I haven't missed your pot-roast."
She narrowed her eyes at him playfully. "If I didn't think it would cause a scene," she began lowly. "I would throw this coffee at you."
"Wouldn't that make people ecstatic? 'Starfleet admiral gets into a brawl with former first officer'. I can see the news reports now. They'd be all over it." He laughed and soon Kathryn found herself joining in.
"Even worse than that though....," she began.
"You'd lose your coffee?" he finished knowingly.
Kathryn raised her mug as if in a toast and took a long sip. "It would be a shame to waste good coffee. I'm not sure you'd be worth it."
"I would never dream of trying to compete with your coffee, Kathryn."
They both began to laugh, but before she could respond her communicator chirped. She sat down her coffee and reached up to tap it, forgoing the option to release Chakotay's hand instead. "Janeway here."
"We're ready to disembark when you are, Admiral."
"Understood, Commander. I'll be there shortly," she replied before looking up at Chakotay again. He smiled, without a hint of annoyance, and squeezed her hand. "That's my cue," she stated.
"B'Elanna said you were only stopping here briefly," he said with a nod.
So B'Elanna had informed him of her being in the area, just as the half-klingon had inform her of Chakotay being in the vicinity. The thought that perhaps Chakotay had been hanging around the bar just to see if she would show up briefly crossed her mind. She quickly decided it didn't matter if he had been or not.
"I'll be back on Earth in another two weeks," she told him. She couldn't tell him all the details of where she was heading next, but he didn't seem to mind.
"I'll probably be dropping by to visit B'Elanna and Tom soon. Maybe we could have lunch if you're not too busy?"
"I think we should," Kathryn answered. "If you're around long enough you might even get to see a promotion ceremony of a mutual friend of ours."
Chakotay's brows creased before a look of realization appeared. "Harry? Wasn't he just promoted last year?"
"Special circumstances. He deserves it."
"I wouldn't miss it," he said with a light chuckle.
"Good." Kathryn leaned back, finally releasing his hand, and finished off her coffee. As she stood up, Chakotay did the same. The table was so small that, once they stood up, they were a mere foot or two from each other. "I'll see you soon, Chakotay."
"You will." To her slight confusion he held out his hand as if to shake hers.
It seemed odd for many reasons. The most glaring of which was that, just seconds before, they had been practically holding hands. A handshake seemed far too formal after such a pleasant reunion. She raised an eyebrow, but accepted the gesture nonetheless.
To her further surprise, Chakotay gripped her hand tightly and then quickly pulled her into a hug. His bulkier form engulfed her and Kathryn didn't bother stopping the chuckle the escaped as she wrapped her arms around his torso to return the hug.
"Stay safe, Kathryn," he whispered before slowly releasing her. He took a step back, his warm gaze once again meeting hers.
"You too." It was time to go, she knew. He knew it as well. As she passed she placed her hand on his shoulder though. A brief moment of familiarity at the automatic gesture washed over, causing a smile to tug at her lips.
She knew he watched her leave. He probably left the bar soon after. They would both be on their separate ways once more. There was a new sense of peace she could carry with her now though. Another small piece of closure that came with the knowledge that life would carry on. They would see each other again. Would share stories and laughter. And even though life hadn't taken them to the destiny she had once foreseen for them, she was perfectly okay with that.
Because not everything worked out the way it should. Not every story had a fairytale ending. Happiness could still be found, peace could still be obtained, and finding fulfillment didn't become futile simply because one door was closed forever.
Life just wasn't that simple.