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As a professional Charming Magician and Master of Dimensions, as well as part-time jester, I certainly do not have time for frivolous distractions like a pet. I have never once gone to the animal shelter and picked out the perfect, fluffy kitten to be my companion in chaos. Like a lone wolf, I work alone.
...Oh, of course, I meant that I work closely with Count Bleck and the other minions, to whom I am very loyal. Obviously.
If I did have a pet, which I never have and never will, I would always ensure they were tucked safely away beneath my poncho, or perhaps even in a little personalized pocket dimension, to ensure maximum safety and security. No hypothetical fluffy kitten deserves to be exposed to dangerous amounts of jumps and fire flowers from some silly hero. There would, naturally, be many toy mice, and some of those plastic balls with the bells inside, contained within this pocket dimension so that Chaos Cat Fluffypaws Esquire does not get bored, and enough food and water to keep them well-fed and hydrated.
...Chaos Cat Fluffypaws Esquire is certainly not the name of my cat; I do not have a cat. But if I did, that would be an excellent name for them, don't you think?
Recently, the other minions have started handing me bags from the pet store, filled with toys, treats, and other products that a cat would love. Time and time again I have told them that they are wasting their money, like a foolish grandfather who believes he can win the lottery. It is as if they hope to win the affection of some cat that does not exist. Besides, if I did have a cat, those silly minions should realize that my cat favours the cheesy treats.
...WOULD favour the cheesy treats. I do not have a cat, but if I did...
[Mrow?]
"Oh, hello there, C.C. Fluffypaws! Come along, it's time for you to see Lineland! Oh, and don't worry, no-one suspects a thing... Like a homeowner without a lamp at nighttime, they are entirely in the dark."
[Loud purring, magic teleportation sounds, Lineland music plays.]