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It hurts. It shouldn’t, but it does.
Hoseok wasn’t sure what he wanted when he signed up for this. His dream, if he could call it that, was to dance. Express himself to wide, gazing eyes, to his beautiful fans who would cheer him on. He expected it to be a difficult journey…but this- whatever this is- is too much to take.
Hoseok thinks himself to be a simple enough guy. Both in the appearance and talent departments, there isn’t much to see. His dance is nice though, he thinks. He raps and everything, but…dancing is his life. He wouldn’t be anywhere without it. He wouldn’t be anything without it. Well, and his fellow members too.
The first time Hoseok had gone to meet them, he was really, really nervous. His future bandmates…what if they didn’t like him? It was an unlikely, yet very understandable thought. His future would lie in the hands of these people. Should they choose to hate him, Hoseok knew he would be torn from the inside.
Luckily though, they hit it off. There was Joonie, who had his heart set on the name ‘Rap Monster’ because he thought it was ‘swag’, bright-eyed, ever-patient Seokjin-hyung who was practically his stand-in eomma, and grumpy, sleepy Yoongi who snuggled with him when he thought no one was looking. Not to mention the maknaes; Kookie, the ‘golden maknae’ with his cute, manipulative smile, Jiminie (cheery, jam-less Jimin) and TaeTae, the alien with the cutest quirks.
That day, once Hoseok had some time to himself, he asked himself why. Why on earth would he be paired up with such perfect people? They were all so special and unique and notlikeHoseokhewasabsolutelyuseless-
He always had a habit of hoping so much…hoping that his fate could be turned around, to get better (at what was beyond him, but it never mattered) and just overall… that he could be not-Hoseok.
Hoseok was ugly…but J-Hope is not. Hoseok always frowned, J-Hope always smiled. Hoseok always kept hoping, but J-Hope gives everyone else hope. J-Hope is not Hoseok.
He doesn’t like being Hoseok, but everyone calls him that anyway.
At times, though, he can’t help but become Hoseok again, when he’s too tired to resist the change…but he only does it in his few moments of privacy. Initially, it worked out, but now, he’s barely got any breathing space…and it’s starting to scare him. He can’t let anyone see who he really is (no, was), can’t let them see ugly, annoying, useless Hoseok because then they’ll hate him and he’ll get kicked out of the group and no one will bear to set their eyes open him because then, if he lost himself, he would be Hoseok; plain, boring, underwhelming, untouchable Hoseok.
When he finally loses it, trying to deal with it the only way he knows, he’s interrupted. When he looks at his ugly body in the mirror, tries to dance off the stress, when the practice room is only filled with his pathetic huffs and attempts at comforting himself, when everything seems impossible…he breaks down.
He becomes Hoseok again. He hates being Hoseok but he can’t help it.
He cries, curling into himself because he hates that he’s being so weak, clutches weakly at the wooden flooring in attempt to ground himself, to no avail. Tears spill out of his eyes, collecting on his eyelashes and cheeks as he harshly rubs at them in a futile attempt to calm down. He needs to be J-Hope now, not Hoseok.
But it’s so hard. He’s trying so much but it’s not working, why is he still crying?
He looks up with a start when he hears the door slam open, eyes wide with terror, before he automatically looks down. He’s waiting for it, for the verbal lashing he knows will come. Idols aren’t supposed to cry, especially if they’re supposed to be happy viruses like J-Hope. He deserves every sock to the gut that’s coming for him.
So he waits. And waits. And nearly shrieks and bawls all over again when he sees Yoongi staring at him. Literally no space between their faces, it was frightening.
“Yoongi- hyung,” Hoseok tries to smile, but he knows it’s not fooling anyone when Yoongi starts glaring. “What’s up?”
A moment of silence. Then:
“What’s up?! You idiot, what’re you doing sitting here and crying by yourself, huh?”
Hoseok blinks, beginning to get teary-eyed again, “N-nothing hyung, I swear, I’m just…”
“Just what? Practicing how to cry? Eye techniques?” Then, Yoongi softens, “Why’re you crying by yourself?”
If he were J-Hope, he would crack a joke about Yoongi being too repetitive, but he’s Hoseok. He looks down, staring unhappily at his shoes, picking at the frayed ends of his pants. He knows that he has to say something, but his mouth is completely dry and it hurts to swallow and his head is pounding-
“Hey,” He nearly jumps out of his skin when Yoongi places a hesitant hand on his knee, “Stop it.”
When Hoseok sees the softness in his eyes and the slight curve of his mouth, he can’t help but cry again. And this throws Yoongi off, Hoseok can tell, because he automatically strays to his phone.
This is so embarrassing and Hoseok knows it’ll only get worse if Yoongi calls, god forbid, Jin or Namjoon. He can’t have that…he-he just can’t.
“D-D’you hate me?” It escapes his mouth before his mind can process it (stupid Hoseok, stupid stupidstupidstupid Hoseok who doesn’t even have a mouth filter).
That stops Yoongi in his tracks though, and he gazes steadily into Hoseok’s eyes as he says, “Never.”
“Really?” Hoseok refuses to believe the outrageous lie, and sniffles a couple of times, “I know you guys like J-Hope, but d’you guys…do you like Hoseok?”
He knows this throws Yoongi off, but at this point, he doesn’t care; he just wants the confirmation that Hoseok is stupid and annoying and that BTS is better without him (because it is). Hoseok….Hoseok is just tired and he wants to be able to give up because it’s easy.
Yoongi frowns and plops down next to him, and Hoseok can feel the heat from where his shoulder brushes his own. It’s strangely comforting, and he can’t help but lean into it; Yoongi doesn’t seem to mind anyway, or so he hopes (as usually, he’s hoping). Instead of roughly shoving him away like Hoseok expects, Yoongi actually strokes his hair, and it feels so good, and Hoseok can’t help his content sigh, even though everything’s wrong.
“Listen, Jung Hoseok,” Yoongi says, finally, and Hoseok tenses in anticipation of the rejection “Listen well. We might like J-Hope, but we absolutely adore Jung Hoseok.”
His eyes fly open, and he stares at Yoongi in shock.
“J-Hope always smiles, sure,” Yoongi continues, unperturbed, “But Jung Hoseok makes us smile. Hoseok makes us feel cared for. But, the only problem that Jung Hoseok has-“
Great, Hoseok shuts his eyes, now for the rejection.
“Is that he needs to let his hyungs and dongsaengs help him.” Yoongi finishes, smiling sleepily at Hoseok in that familiar way that has Hoseok choke back a sob. “I mean, I know this is a pretty shitty speech and all but, for what it’s worth, you’re absolutely perfect. I mean it.”
Now Hoseok can’t help but throw his arms around the shorter male, pressing his head into the crook of Yoongi’s neck, and breathing shakily.
“Hyu-hyung,” He whispers shakily, unable to form a coherent sentence, “I-I-“
“Shut up, Hoseok, just…” He feels Yoongi’s hand press into the back of Hoseok’s head, hears him breathe out unevenly too, “Just shut up.”
Hoseok listens, because he’s elated beyond anything that, at least, one person seems to like Hoseok,not J-Hope, just Hoseok.
Just him.