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There was certain poetic justice to it, if Jamie was being honest with himself. The way the dark clouds came out of nowhere, slowly rolling overhead as they walked out of the visiting team entrance of the stadium.
The first drops falling as they slowly trudged onto the bus.
Truthfully, the rain he could deal with, it was almost peaceful even, but the thunder made him flinch every time it ripped through the sky.
Everyone took their seats wordlessly, they were all tired, and quiet after their defeat.
In fact, the whole bus was silent as they all settled in for the long drive home to Richmond.
Not even Dani was trying to engage anyone in a conversation.
Most everyone had decided to sleep their misery away. The dark grey skies and the sound of rain the perfect background for a late afternoon nap on the long drive home.
Jamie probably needed the nap more then anyone. He’d had a bad phone call with his dad the week before and he’d hardly been sleeping the whole week.
It was part of the reason they’d lost, in Jamie’s opinion anyway.
He had played poorly. Sluggish, and slow.
It was almost ironic really, it was just going to give his dad more ammunition to get on his back about how shit he was.
It was more than just that though. Jamie knew he had let the team down by letting his dad get into his head.
He felt like he could feel the waves of annoyance rolling off everyone in the bus as he walked with his head down towards the back of the bus, taking a window seat and tucking himself up against it. Trying to melt into the thin metal as the rain picked up outside, hammering against the window heavily.
He figured he’d be sitting by himself. Surely nobody would want to sit next to the guy that lost them the game so he couldn’t help but glance up in surprise when he felt a warm body settle beside him, quickly looking down again when he saw Roy looking at him.
All eyebrows and disappointment.
Jamie swallowed heavily as a cry rose up in his throat unbidden. He hated disappointing any of them,
but Roy had sacrificed so much of his own time, his life, to train Jamie.
To make him better and this is how Jamie repaid him?
He curled further into himself, putting as much space as possible in-between him and Roy, least the coach have to brush shoulders with such a weak, pathetic disappointment of a player.
Roy growled softly, but he didn’t say anything. One thing Jamie could be grateful for.
He doesn’t want to make a scene on the bus, Jamie thought to himself as out of the corner of his eye he watched Roy pull out a book.
Later the voice in his head that always sounded suspiciously like his dad said later when nobody’s around he’ll yell, and call you names, then he’ll probably tell you he’s not going to waste anymore time training such a useless limpdick player like you.
Jamie closed his eyes against the sudden sting of tears, working hard to keep his breaths even, the last thing he wanted to do was start bawling on the fucking bus.
Now wouldn’t that just show them all how pathetic he really was?
The bus took off, lurching slightly before setting into the steady soft rattle that Jamie always found oddly soothing.
Team buses were one of the few places Jamie always knew his dad couldn’t get to him. Sure he was usually waiting at the other end of the journey but the bus itself was safe, at least for a small moment of time, Jamie could breath.
He didn’t mean to fall asleep, but between the 90 minutes he’d spent running around on the pitch, and the fact that he’d barely been able to sleep or eat all week he quickly found his eyes fluttering shut as his body demanded rest.
He fought against it, he didn’t want to fall asleep on the bus, surrounded by the team. But his body betrayed him and eventually, against his will, his eyes fluttered shut.
___________________________
The dreams always started the same way. Jamie was all alone on the pitch, he had the ball, on a tear away. For a moment he feels free, like he was flying, but then the ground falls out from under him and suddenly his dad is in front of him.
There’s strong hands on him, shoving him, before dad’s suddenly crowding him, getting in his face. The stale scent of alcohol making Jamie’s stomach churn
“what the fuck do you call that?” James seethes, spit flying in Jamie’s face as he tries not to cringe back.
Hands wrap around the bottom of his shirt, hiding how they shake.
Dad hates it when he shows signs of weakness.
“I’m sorry” Jamie mutters looking at his mud caked boots
The backhand knocks him back a step.
“I’m sorry” Dad mocks in a high-pitched voice “Fucking pathetic Jamie” he spits “Don’t be sorry lad! Be fucking better!”
Jamie bites his tongue until he tastes the familiar taste of blood.
“I will” he promises “I’ll be better”
“You fucking better!” Dad says getting right up in Jamie’s face again “Fucking embarrassing having you out there with MY name on your back, making a fucking fool of yourself. I reckon you need me to remind you want happens to losers.”
“No” Jamie whimpers “M’sorry, please”
A hand grabs his shoulder and he screams, flinching back violently, banging his head against the bus window as he pulls away.
Blinking himself awake Jamie looks around with bleary eyes, taking in basically the whole team craning around in their seats, looking back at him.
He turns to see Roy beside him, hand out hovering in the air between them unsurely.
“I…” Jamies voice cracks as panic builds up in his throat and he feels his face grow hot.
“Its okay” Roy says softly “You’re okay, just….just take a fucking breath yeah? Sorry I didn’t mean to fucking scare you. You’re okay Jamie”
Panic builds. The team just saw him make a fucking idiot of himself. He’s always had nightmares, but never in front of his team.
Fuck Fuck Fuck
FUCK
“Hey” Roy says again “You need to take a breath you Muppet”
Jamie tries, he really does, but all that comes out is a pathetic little wheeze.
And now Ted’s walking up the aisle towards them and everyone’s staring and its all too much.
He chokes on another attempt at a breath.
“Oi” Roy says, but this time its softer. The tone is so out of character that Jamie can’t help but look up at him through watery eyes.
“Good.” Roy praises. “Just look at me, fucking ignoring anything else, just eyes on me Tartt”
Jamie nods. He can do that. He’s grow used to following Roy’s gruff directions in their training sessions.
Roy holds up a hand to Ted, making the older man pause in his pursuit of getting to them, Roy shakes his head, its small nearly unnoticeable but Jamie notices. He’s hyper aware of everything around him in this moment.
He can feel the tension in the bus, its hanging heavy in the air, choking him.
Roy doesn’t seem to notice, as he slowly reaches out his hand again “I’m gonna touch you, is that okay?” He growls softly
Jamie barely realises he’s nodding until Roy’s hand is slowly and deliberately moving in front of his face, coming up to softly cup Jamie’s cheek.
“Breath” Roy commands softly reaching out with his other hand to lift one of Jamie’s shaking hands to his own chest. “Like me yeah?” he instructs as he takes a deep exaggerated breath, Jamie watches absentmindedly as his hand rises on Roy’s chest as he breaths in.
Jamie tries to copy him, but like everything else in his life, he fucks it up, breathing wrong, he coughs harshly.
“Its okay” Roy says immediately, and he softly strokes his thumb across Jamie’s cheek “Try again”
He takes another deep breath.
Jamie copies, and this time he manages to not fucking choke on air like a moron.
“Good” Roy praises “again.”
Jamie does as he’s told, taking another deep breath, and another, and another. Jamie’s not sure how long they go on like but by the time he’s breathing normally the hand on his cheek has fallen to the back of his neck, squeezing lightly in a way that makes the world seems a little more solid around him, more real.
As Jamie comes back to himself horror flashes through him. He tries to pull away but Roy doesn’t let him, holding him firmly, but gentle in a way that makes Jamie think of Wembley.
“I’m sorry” He croaks.
“Fuck off with that” Roy scolds “You don’t have to be sorry you little shit, you just have to be okay.” He looks at Jamie with a furrowed brow “Are you okay?”
Jamie shrugs, looking down at his lap, picking at his fingernails nervously, he can still feel the eyes of the whole team on him.
Roy seems to somehow sense that it makes Jamie nervous because he looks up and growls and everyone at least pretends to look away. Except Ted, and Isaac who both probably feel like they’re failing at their jobs because they’re not the ones helping Jamie.
“Dunno” Jamie shrugs “S’stupid innit”
“Its not fucking stupid” Roy growls squeezing the back of Jamie’s neck lightly “Anything that fucking…freaks you out that much isn’t stupid.”
“Just a nightmare” Jamie mutters softly “I get ‘em sometimes, doesn’t matter. Just wish the boys hadn’t seen”
“No one will say anything” Roy says firmly, and somehow it feels like a promise.
“Doesn’t matter” Jamie sighs “They saw, now they all know I have fucking nightmares and…” He sniffs “…fucking wake up crying like a weak baby.”
“You’re not a weak baby you twat” Roy scolds softly “You’ve been through a lot of shit, but you’re here, aren’t you?”
Jamie blinks at him “huh?”
Roy sighs “You know I grew up in a council estate yeah?”
Jamie’s face twists in confusion and the picking at his fingernails stops as he turns to look at Roy as he nods.
“and so did you” Roy adds, like Jamie doesn’t know where he grew up.
“Yeah” Jamie agrees.
“Takes a lot for guys like us to get out of those places” Roy says conversationally ignoring Jamie’s look of confusion.
“Yeah” Jamie agrees “It does.”
“Have to really be a battler” Roy adds “Never take no for an answer, fight tooth and nail for every little thing.”
Jamie nods
“Yeah.” He says softly “I guess”
“I reckon,” Roy says lowering his voice so Jamie can only just hear it, “we’re made of stronger stuff because of it.”
“But…” Jamie mutters back “I ain’t strong Roy” He admits a faint blush returning to his cheeks “you saw…and-and…I fucked up the game today, I played like shit. I let you all down I-”
“That’s bullshit” Roy interrupts “you had a bad day you Muppet, everyone has bad days.”
“I’m not supposed to” Jamie insists quietly “I’m supposed to be better than that.”
He takes a shuddered breath and softly continues “Just…I ain’t been sleeping well and I…I let me fuckin’ dad get in my head again which I know I shouldn’t…and then I let the team down out there and I fuckin’ bawled all over you…”
“You know my sisters a doctor?” Roy asks suddenly and its such an abrupt subject change that it makes Jamie stop his rambling with a small flinch.
“Huh?” he says “Yeah?”
“Well,” Roy continues in the same low voice and Jamie really wishes he’d growl a little more because that soft voice is oddly soothing and Jamie’s still so tired.
Roy’s hand drops from Jamie’s neck, falling to his shoulder, tucking Jamie firmly into his side.
“A little while after I had to have my knee surgery, Phoebe wanted to go to the fucking beach” Roy rolls his eyes fondly “and I told Sarah that I was worried the scar on my knee would scare her, it was still pretty raw and gory”
Jamie hums sinking into Roy’s side deeper, wondering how the fuck the coach managed to be so warm when it was freezing and raining outside.
“You know what my fucking sister said?”
“Hm?”
“She told me to stop being a stubborn dickhead.” Roy snorts “That scars ain’t about what happened, they show how we survived. You fucking believe that shit?”
Jamies blinks up at Roy, eyes heavy “wha’s that got to do with me?” He asks tiredly
Another roar of thunder cracked above them but this time Jamie barely flinched, tucked up against Roy fucking Kent.
“Well obviously I survived knee surgery” Roy mutters “But my knee still fucking…. bothers me sometimes, doesn’t it?”
Jamie hums in response, blinking heavily trying to keep his eyes open as the bus rattled down the motorway, rocking him gently into Roy’s side.
“Do you think less of me on those days?” Roy asks seriously “Or on the days where I need a little extra…fucking help” Roy spits out almost reluctantly.
Jamie shakes his head against Roy’s shoulder “course’ not” He mutters thickly “You’re Roy Kent”
Roy squeezes Jamie’s shoulder lightly.
“And you’re Jamie Tartt” He murmurs into Jamie’s hair softly. "Scars are more then just fucking marks on our skin...Just cause you can't see yours, doesn't mean they aren't there, or that you don't deserve help or fucking...compassion on the days where shit just feels harder." Roy tilts Jamie's chin up to make the younger man look at him.
Jamie wills himself to not look away as Roy's eyes bore into his own. “We care about you, you Muppet.” Roy promises softly.
Jamie swallows down another whimper, “even on the bad days?” he whispers almost inaudibly as he twists his hands in the bottom of his jumper anxiously.
Roy reaches up and gently tucks Jamie's head down against his neck. “Even on the bad days” He promises. “Now close your eyes, we’ve got another few hours to go before we get home, and you look like shit.”
Jamie snorts softly, finally letting his eyes fall shut as he slumps deeper into Roy’s side.
“You’re warm” He mutters sleepily, “must be all that fur.”
Roy squeezes his shoulder lightly “Prick” He scoffs softly “Go the fuck to sleep.”
Jamie, like any good player, listens to his coach and almost immediately falls asleep.
Ted walks up to them with a soft knowing smile. “He okay?” He asks like he wasn’t watching the entire interaction.
Roy scoffs quietly, reaching up to brush Jamie’s hair out of his face as the younger man nuzzles into Roy’s neck with a soft, content sigh.
“He will be.” He says confidently. “He’s Jamie fucking Tartt.”