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After the baby was born, River stayed in the Tardis during a few days - or what would stand as “a few days” in the ship. Rory wanted to look after her to check that she and her girl were fine after the delivery, and she was too tired to argue with him. She didn’t do that often, staying in the Tardis for such a while, but she cherished all those moments. She was going to cherish it even more this time, because it might be the only time they would be there together: her, the Doctor, her parents and her daughter, all together. The fact that she was the only one to know the fact that they were a family gave her a bittersweet feeling that she tried to ignore; it was probably nothing but a bit of baby blues anyway.
In fact, she found herself enjoying those few days more that expected. Everyone was there, taking care of her and the baby. Rory was doing it very professionally, and it was amazing to see her father in his element. He had always been good in his job, and whatever he said or felt, nursing was what he was made for. He explained things about the baby, taught her how to hold her, feed her, bath her, and take care of her in general. He told River what she should expect as the baby would grow up, what she should do, how she should react, in so many situations that she didn’t remember half of them. “Well,” he finally added in the end, “this is what I know about human babies, but I’m not sure if it applies to Time Lords, or half Time Lords, or whatever - sorry, whoever your daughter really is... You should ask the Doctor. Or check books in the library maybe.” She smiled at him and nodded, not telling him she had already checked everything she needed to check.
Amy often came to her, most of the time to chat, and River suspected she missed a feminine presence in the Tardis. Of course her mother loved her father and the Doctor was her best friend, but there were things she couldn’t tell them, that they would not understand. So she used this time with River to have proper girl talks, laughing and crying as they shared some secrets. It reminded River of the time when her mother was a best friend, and she thought that nothing had really changed since this time.
“And so, tell me,” Amy whispered once in a confidential tone, “the Doctor, how is he?”
River frowned. “Well, you know, he’s the Doctor and...”
“No, I know. I mean... in private.” Amy winked and River laughed.
“I’m sorry, I can’t tell you.”
“Why?” she sounded really disappointed, her face pouting.
“Because I can’t. Believe me, one day you’ll thank me that I didn’t tell you anything.”
Amy frowned but didn’t insist, the word “spoilers” hanging between them.
The Doctor visited her too. Sometimes with the Ponds and he just stayed quiet, staring at his daughter with big eyes, like he still couldn’t believe she was there. But most of the time he came alone when they were back from their last adventure, and then it was like he couldn’t stop talking. He told River every detail of his day, where they went and what happened, how they nearly died but finally saved the day, bouncing all around the room as he mimed every action. She laughed, he smiled, and he always kissed the baby goodnight before sitting on the bed next to River to keep talking quietly. Most of the time she would fall asleep in his arms, rocked by the melody of his voice, and even if it wasn’t perfect and far from what she had imagined, she was glad he shared those moments with her.
x.
She really enjoyed those few days in the Tardis, at home, but she knew she couldn’t stay. She wasn’t with the right people, at the right time of their lives, and it was definitely not a place to raise a child, even a Time Lord child. So after what might be the equivalent of a week, she asked the Doctor to let her go. He tried to make her stay but didn’t insist much - he knew as well as her that it was the best choice, and she didn’t have to explain it to him.
She was glad she had thought about the situation, including a place she could go after the baby was born, so she had everything set up already. She would spend her daughter’s childhood here, maybe she would wait until she would be a grown up before coming back in Stormcages - she would be back a second after she left and nobody would realize it would have been years for her. She hadn’t told her plan to the Doctor, but now she realized that he must have known, the entire time - about the baby, about the house... And suddenly little things he had said or done during her pregnancy made sense.
The house was a bit isolated; far enough from any neighbours who would possibly ask questions about a stranger and her daughter, but close to every possible thing she would need. All she wanted was anonymity and a safe place to raiser her child.
The Doctor dropped her off on a rainy and cold day, and he winced as the building stood concrete in front of them.
“You’re sure that’s what you want?”
She nodded, pressing the baby closer against her chest and blinking to chase the rain away from her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure.”
He lead her to the house then, entered with her and checked if everything was okay - she doubted he really knew what she would need for her and a baby, but he checked anyway and she found it sweet.
“So, I think I must go now...” he said after a moment, standing in the doorway, scratching the back of his neck clumsily. She knew he had to leave, now, before he wouldn’t want to anymore, or before he asked her to come back. She knew she couldn’t stay with him, but she also knew she wouldn’t be able to say no. She didn’t reply, watching the rain still pouring outside and the Tardis a few feet away, welcoming, inviting. She still could feel her reassuring humming floating around them despite the distance. She sighed, resigned, silently telling the ship good bye.
“Do you think...” he spoke again and she almost jumped, “do you think I could come sometimes?”
She smiled then, so glad he had asked. “Of course you can. Whenever you want. Sweetie, she’s yours.”
He smiled back then, and hugged her tightly.
“See you soon then.”
x.
He did come after that. Not every day, not every night, but regularly - from her point of view at least. She couldn’t tell for him, if there were days or years between his visits, or if he was doing them all one after the other. She didn’t ask, and she didn’t care. All that matters was the fact that he was there, meeting their daughter and watching her growing up.
Nothing really changed from the time when they were in the Tardis. He always talked joyfully, took care of the baby, and when she was peacefully sleeping he joined River in the living room or in her bedroom, telling her his latest adventures, or one he had a long time ago, or just talking about nothing. She had taken the habit to fall asleep during his sessions, so peaceful and happy to have him with her.
One night, maybe one or two months after she entered this house, he came and it was different. He didn’t talk much, and there was something sad in his look she couldn't read. He was thinking, she could tell, and whatever he was thinking about it annoyed him. She didn’t ask, afraid that maybe it was something about her, afraid that maybe it was something in her future and he couldn’t tell her, afraid that maybe it was something about his future and it would hurt her if she couldn’t help him, couldn’t say anything but “spoilers” and silently swallowed her pain.
The dinner was extremely silent, except for the baby babbling like she couldn’t feel the tension floating in the air - or maybe she could feel it and she tried to lightened it. After the meal the Doctor played with her, bathed her and put her to bed while River washed the dishes. He was still in their child’s room after she had finished and she stepped silently into the room. She leaned against the door-frame and watched him as he bent over the cot and whispered things she couldn’t hear.
She knew he was still young. He still didn’t know who she was, and every now and then she caught him looking at her, some words on his lips that he never asked - he was still young, but old enough to know he shouldn’t ask questions she couldn’t answer. She knew how frustrating this must be for him, because it had been for her, when she had been the younger and he kept stopping her with spoilers. Sometimes he had sighed, when she wasn’t good enough, and he stared at her like he wasn’t seeing her, but someone else, someone who was her but not yet - and whatever she did, how hard she tried, she couldn’t be good enough, she couldn’t be that perfect woman he was looking for. But she knew, he loved her anyway, and she hoped he could feel it now, that even if he was young and not confident she still loved him, would love him as she always had.
And he was taking care of their daughter as best as he could, even if she couldn’t imagine how lost and afraid he might be. But he loved his girl, and his initial fear had turned into a great affection. Now he was acting with the baby like his older self would - and River couldn’t help but hoping that one day he would be here, the Doctor that had been with her while she had been pregnant and knew her well enough to also raise their child with her. She couldn’t imagine he would live that backwards.
She shook her head, refusing to think more about that. He was still talking to the baby, apparently unaware of her present behind him and when she left them. Whatever he was saying, it was some kind of secret between him and the girl and she shouldn’t be there trying to listen. She turned on her heel and walked into her room.
He appeared a few minutes after, and she had already put her nightdress on, ready to go to bed. She was surprised he showed up in her room - after the mood he had all day, she had assumed he needed some time to think and would leave, but apparently she was wrong. He hesitated a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other, like he was trying to take a decision. Finally he walked to the bed and sat down next to her.
For long minutes he didn’t move nor say anything. He just sat there, his shoulder against hers and she could feel him breathing quietly. She didn’t dare move, didn’t dare speak. She knew he had something to tell her - or he was debating whether he should tell her and how - and she knew she shouldn’t push him. It would come the moment he could, and if it wasn’t tonight, it would be the next time.
“River?” he finally asked, and she almost jumped because even if his voice was nothing but a murmur she didn’t expect it after such a long silent.
“Yes?” she breathed out her reply.
“You will always come, when I ask, won’t you?” He was a bit hesitant, but he asked anyway and she was glad he did. She was just a bit surprised; she didn’t really understand what he wanted.
“Yes. Of course I will.”
He turned his head and stared at her, and she felt suddenly uneasy. “As I will,” he added. She smiled then because this was true, one of the only constant in their lives. She took his hand and squeezed it gently. He smiled back, a fraction of second before his face darkened again, and she was still confused. For a moment he didn’t say anything, staring back at her like he could read the answers he was looking for in her eyes.
“Except if there’s a good reason for you not to come. A very good reason.”
He looked at her, almost pleading. Her heart sank and, oh, she got it now. She knew where he was, she knew what he was talking about, and why he had come to her - he wanted her to tell him that the reason she rejected him, the only time she had, the time she had done it against her will.
She remembered that day clearly. She remembered the night they had, ice-skating under the moon with Stevie Wonder singing for them and it had been a wonderful night, a wonderful date, a wonderful birthday. She was completely unprepared to find her father waiting for her after that, wearing his Roman suit and asking her to come with him to save Melody.
She had to refuse, because she couldn’t cross her own time line, and because the Doctor had made her promise, a long time ago, that she wouldn’t show up before the end. It broke her heart but she had to say no. And Rory didn’t insist, didn’t try to push her, and just left. She hadn’t met the Doctor that day, she could just imagine his disappointment, maybe his anger against her...
And now he was here, next to her, talking about that moment and asking her why.
“Yes,” she murmured, “only if there’s a good, a very good reason.” She tried to put a “sorry” behind those words, and she hoped he understood.
“Okay,” he just nodded, and somehow she could feel that he began to feel better. Maybe it was what he needed, just be sure she didn’t come because she really couldn’t, and not because she didn’t care about him.
“How do you stand it?” he asked her, his thumb stroking the knuckles of their entwined hands, his touch soft and warm against her skin. “The spoilers... me...”
She swallowed, and opened her mouth to answer but nothing came. Instead tears formed in her eyes. What she usually told herself, when she felt like he was too young and knew nothing about her, about them, what usually helped her stand their timey-wimey lives and the pain it caused her - it didn’t work today. Of course, she knew it was not his fault, she knew she was going to see her husband again, she knew it was worth it... but it was so difficult, right now, in this house with a baby to look after and she was so tired, and so lonely, and she missed him so much - and she knew she shouldn’t because he was there, right here next to her and his hands in hers, but it wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted a Doctor who knew her, who had lived all the pregnancy with her, who would hold her in his arms and comfort her, who would say all those stupid things to her to make her feel better.
“I...” She tried. She really tried to say that everything was okay and that she could handle the situation. But she couldn’t say a single word. She couldn’t lie. Not today. And she didn’t have to.
His free hand cupped her face, and gently wiped away the tears that had started to fall. She blinked, and sniffled, and she wanted to say that she was sorry and that it was stupid to cry like that, but she couldn’t because suddenly he was kissing her. And, oh, he was kissing her, fully, deeply, like he wanted to express all the unsaid words by the movement of his lips on hers.
She closed her eyes, and in that moment she forgot when they were and where they were, and her pain disappeared because he was kissing her like he always had, and it was him, here, now, concrete between her hands. She sighed into his mouth, swallowing her tears, reacting to his kiss like she always did.
She didn’t know who deepened the kiss, and who began to take off their clothes but then it was nothing but his naked body against hers as he made love to her. It surely was the first time for him, his touch a bit hesitant, but gentle, and it had been so long for her too that it felt like it could be the first time for her as well. And it hurt, but somehow the pleasure was stronger, because he was back in her arms, comforting her, loving her, perhaps not her Doctor yet, but so close...
x.
A few hours after, and she was deeply sleeping when the cries of the baby woke her up. She sighed and stretched, smiling when her arms came in contact with another warm body. Usually he left when she was sleeping, but tonight he had stayed...
She removed the blanket, looking blindly for her nightgown but he stopped her, with a hand on her waist and a kiss in her hair.
“Don’t. I’m looking after her.”
Before she could reply he was up, stepping out of the room. She would not argue; if she could have a real night, she would take it.
She fell back against the pillow and slept almost immediately.
x.
When she opened her eyes the sun was shining through the blinds, and she thought that she hadn’t slept that late for a long while. She felt good and rested, and she had almost forgotten what it was like. She turned back, her sigh of contentment interrupted by a frown as she stretched; she was alone.
For a few seconds she didn’t move, looking at the empty space next to her. She had been stupid to think that maybe something was different this time and that he would have stayed. Of course, he had run before the morning came and without a good bye. Again. It was not the first time, it would not be the last, she should not feel so disappointed about that.
She finally found the strength to stand up and out of bed, grabbing a nightgown before stepping out of the room. The corridor was silent as she walked to her daughter’s room, and she knew there was something unusual; by that time the baby should be awake. She walked faster, trying to shush the worrying voice inside of her.
When she finally entered the room the cot was empty, the baby nowhere to be seen, and she had a brief moment of desperate panic. She paced around the bed, looking under the cover and beneath the furniture and it didn’t matter that there was no way for her girl to be there, she needed to do something and to check everything, because she felt like she couldn’t breathe.
And then, suddenly, she made the link between the missing Doctor and her missing daughter. They couldn’t have both disappeared during the same night. The baby must have cried again during the night and he had taken her... She must find them somewhere in the house, perfectly fine, babbling together. And, at least if they weren’t in, they should be together and she knew he would never let anybody hurt the baby, she would be safe.
She almost ran down the stairs, stopping herself from yelling their names; she wouldn’t want to act ridiculously if nothing was wrong. She checked the kitchen first, because she knew that if the baby was awake she would have been hungry and that would have been the first room they would have been. There was nothing in the kitchen, but the dishes had been moved and a dirty pan lay in the sink.
She sighed, feeling a bit better. She turned back and walked to the living room with a great hope to find them. At first she couldn’t see them, nor hear them, but then she finally spotted something. She approached, quietly, and there they were, both sleeping on the couch, the Doctor holding the baby tightly against his chest, an empty bottle on the coffee table.
She smiled, forgetting her previous fear while watching the two loves of her life so quiet and comfortable. She picked up the bottle, before covering the sleeping forms with a blanket and kissing them gently.
She stepped out of the room, letting them sleeping quietly.
x.
Eventually, he left. She knew where he was going and she knew that, even with a time machine, it couldn’t wait. Rory must be losing patience in the Tardis, and she suspected that even the Doctor didn’t want to know what happened when the Last Centurion was really impatient and angry and prepared to face the people that had abducted his wife and daughter. So he just stayed a few hours after the morning and left, promising her that he would be back and kissing her goodbye.
Yes, he would be back. But he didn’t say when.
Day passed by, one by one, long and slow. A week. Two weeks. A month, and he wasn’t back yet. After the second month she stopped waiting. She knew how he was, his intention was maybe to be right back, but he mixed something or broke another, or forgot to simply read and check the coordinates, and he would land in one year, or two. Maybe longer. Maybe he would come back when the girl wouldn’t be a baby anymore but a grown-up, and he would miss her whole childhood. Maybe, maybe not. She didn’t really want to think about that.
In fact, she had plenty things to do that prevented her to think about that. Having a baby and raising it alone was far more difficult than she had expected. There were the nights being waken up every few hours, leaving the bed and walking half asleep down the corridor, holding the girl, feeding her, changing her, rocking her, trying to sleep again and succeeding just before she cried again. There were the days, and they were the same; feeding the baby, taking her bath, changing her, trying to understand what was wrong when she was crying, and sometimes she wouldn’t even stop for hours.
It was like she was trapped in a circle of pure domesticity - meals and laundry and cleaning and groceries and all over again. She had barely time for herself, trying to sleep in the rare times when the baby wasn’t awake and there was nothing left to do in the house. She had never slept much, her time lord part she guesses, but since she was in that house alone with the baby it felt like she had never felt so tired.
Sometimes she wanted to break. She wanted to stop and cry and let go of everything. Because she missed him and she hated him for leaving and for letting her alone. She knew there was a Doctor somewhere who had been with her for her whole pregnancy and who knew she was waiting alone in this too big house, and why didn’t he come? She missed him, and she hated him, and she was so exhausted she wasn’t sure she could do it on her own.
Sometimes she was happy. Her daughter was the best thing she had ever done, and she was fine, growing up, becoming more and more beautiful every day. She could look at her during those hours, her tiny hands, her tiny feet, her tiny smile, and River smiled because she always found a piece of herself in her, or a piece of him, and she was proud they had succeed at least with one thing in their lives.
She knew he would have hated all this - he would have loved watching his girl growing up, of course, but he would hate being there and doing what all normal people do when they take care of a child. A few days and he would be bored, he would want to run... and who knew what could happen then? No. She was glad she had the idea of that house and raised her child and he was not there all the time. She just wished he could be there more often.
x.
A few months after he last came, she was in the garden. It was the beginning of summer and the weather was already hot, but not too much. She was hanging the laundry, her daughter a few meters from her, playing on the grass. She looked at her between the clothes, sometimes stopping at what she was doing to stare at the little girl. She was growing up fast, so fast, but so long at the same time; she was the only proof of time passing by since he came for the last time.
The baby had grown up a lot since he last saw her. She was not a little fragile thing anymore. She could now walk all on fours and was exploring everything she could, holding whatever was in her reach, trying it, shaking it, breaking it – like every other little girl from her age should act. A few weeks and she would run everywhere, and River would have lots of difficulties looking after her – her Time Lord genes, obviously, as well as the other things that proved she was more advanced than a normal not a year old child.
She was currently playing with cubes – except she was creating amazing buildings, sometimes arranging them in little cities, almost architectural projects. It never last longed, a few minutes and then the girl destroyed everything, like a child. But the constructions were amazing. Currently she was building what looked like a castle, with towers and a central dungeon and even a drawbridge.
River forgot her laundry and her clothes pegs for a second, staring at her daughter focusing on her cubes. She frowned as she was trying to place a delicate piece on the edifice. Then suddenly she dropped the cube she was holding and stared at some point in front of her. Her face curled into a smile... and River could not tear her eyes off of her as she tried to stand. It was not the first time of course, but every previous attempt had ended with the girl falling back.
This time her legs seemed to hold her, and she slowly raised… and miraculously remained up. River felt like she didn't breathe anymore, like one of her sighs could make her daughter fall - but when she finally breathed out the baby raised a foot and walked her first step. She shook slightly, a bit uneasy and still not confident. And a second step.
It took River a few seconds to realize her daughter was walking in a specific direction. She turned her head, and let her laundry drop at her feet. He was here. Him. After all this time he was here, a few meters from her, and only a few more feet from the little girl. He knelt down and reached out for his daughter, ready to take her when she would be closer. The girl cried with joy and quickened her step, maybe too much. She felt frontwards, directly in the open arms of her father.
He stood up, holding her tightly against him and spun around, and they both laughed out loud. The girl tugged at his bow-tie and chewed at the collar of his jacket but he didn’t seem to care, kissing her and rocking her and telling her how beautiful she was and how old she looked now.
Eventually he spotted River, and his smile turned brighter.
“Oh, look at your mum!” he kept speaking to the little girl who didn’t seem to care, playing with the button of his shirt, “you have taken care of her, haven’t you?”
He hesitated then, and River suddenly realized she hadn’t breathe since she saw him and that tears were running down her face. She wiped them away, running until she was by his side. She laughed as she clung to him, an arm around his waist and the other on their baby’s back. She rested her face against his neck, breathing in deeply.
“I’ve missed you,” she whispered, and he wrapped an arm around her.
“I’ve missed you too.”
x.
“I didn’t realize it’s been so long,” he confessed hours after, their bodies tangled between the sheets. “I knew there was a younger me with me, I didn’t remember when and... I’m sorry, I should have come before.”
“Don’t. You’re here now, that’s all that matters.” She kissed his chin and he pressed her closer against his chest. For a while they didn’t speak or move, just enjoying being together after that long time alone, sharing just light touches and soft kisses.
“Come with me. You and her, come with me.” he finally whispered in her hair and her strokes on his arm stopped.
“I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“Why?” It was hard to refuse something when he was making that face, but she knew it was the best thing to do.
“We can’t raise a child in the Tardis, not knowing what danger is waiting for us. What if something happens to her? What will she become if something happens to us? What if someone... what if the Silence finds about her and tries to use her against you? We can’t take so many risks, not now, not with her.”
He closed his eyes and sighed, and he knew she was right - but it was still difficult to accept.
“Don’t you miss it? The Tardis, the running... everything?”
“I do. But I have something more important to do now.”
He smiled then, secretly admiring the way she could have given up everything, choosing a normal and boring life for the safe of a single being... Not any single being, but it was still a difficult choice, and he wasn’t sure he could have made it, not that way.
“I didn’t give up everything though,” she said, as if she could have read in his mind, “I just have to wait until she’s old enough to understand and protect herself.”
“And what if we find a baby-sitter, or ask your parents to look after her - have they even met her yet, I mean, now, knowing who you are? Maybe you can let her be with them sometimes and we can, you know, have times on our own.”
She laughed then. “You never give up anything either, do you?”
“No. Not when it’s about you.”
He cupped her face and kissed her, and she sighed happily against his mouth. “Okay, maybe, maybe...” Really, he could be very persuasive, and how was she supposed to resist him? “On certain conditions. But now...” she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him again, “I suggest we stay here and you make up for letting me alone for a whole year.”
And he did.
the end