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Jay isn’t having the best day.
He hasn’t been having the bestest week.
Everything seems to be overwhelming, especially in his head, with all the burden he is forced to bear. His bike is broken. Crumpled. It was honestly a nightmare that he still can’t get over from the shock.
For days, Jay has been hiding in his shell. Or so to say, but said shell is empty. Jay’s soul is somewhere else. It’s not hiding, but it’s lost. Jay feels like there’s a huge hole inside of him and that he’s just a wandering ghost, haunting every place he goes to. The school halls, his classroom, his bedroom, the whole house, everywhere.
He has heard people asking him if he was okay every now and then, and Jay gets it honestly, because he knows to himself that he looks so lifeless even when his skin still has its normal color. For days, Jay is just a stray leaf flowing through the wind with no certain destination. He feels as weak as a leaf.
He’s convinced that in the night Vinny broke his bike, he returned home with both victory and Jay’s oxygen. And Jay wonders if Vinny is happy to hold those captive.
Jay wanted to bring him back to the crew when he left. Looking at things now, it didn’t go well. Not when the bike Jay loved more than his own life is broken. Not when Jay is numbing from feeling everything at once and so deeply. The noises in his classroom. The creaks and the rattles. The honks in the street and a creaking bicycle’s bell. The kettle’s whistles. The sounds of folding clothes. His brother’s aggressive keyboard tapping. Dom’s obnoxious laughter. A ringtone. Shelly’s lipstick lid popping open. His own breathing. A football rolling on dirt. His shaky breath and nervous fingers on his desk.
Everything was overstimulating.
Everything.
And Jay couldn’t handle it.
He can’t go on another day just bottling it up. He might appear indifferent all the time, but Jay can be very sensitive too, especially when he finally has enough of keeping himself together. Inside his tall walls is just panic and a shaking boy. He’s so close to crying for days, but he never had the time to let it out. He can’t seem to get himself to. He would choke, sob even, but all with no tears. It made him feel like breaking down even more.
That’s when Jay realized he couldn’t do it himself. He needs something. He wants someone.
So he searched. The whole day, he looked in every nook and corner; called everyone that might know. He even called the guy with thin framed glasses who always has his brown hair slicked back. Jay thought that was the first conversation he had with the guy and he sounded so desperate that it was almost embarrassing.
He shows up in front of the exact location a panting mess. The fancy hallway is still, but Jay is already crumbling. He has a shaking hand against the cold wall beside the door, looking at the door number with quivering pupils.
Jay doesn’t like how his heart is drumming inside his chest. He doesn’t like how it had been for hours. He is so close. He is so close to having a panic attack right there, and really, why did he end up here like a pathetic dog?
But how he needs this.
He needs the cure. He needs the cold sweat it would bring him.
So he rings the doorbell.
Jay waits there for a few loud beats. He’s counting the beats of his heart as he waits there, to keep himself calm because the lights are getting too bright and the quietness is getting too loud. Jay counted fifteen, almost sixteen, when the lock finally clicks. When the doorknob finally twists.
He finally sees those heterochromic eyes, watching how they grow wide upon seeing him in front of his door. Sweating like he ran. Disturbed like he ran out of an extreme horror booth at an amusement park.
He feels a surge of relief when he doesn’t receive a door slamming at his face. But that emotion isn’t executed well when Jay just gasps out a hard breath, not realizing he had been holding it for too long. He feels like crying now. He’s unsure of what to say. He doesn’t know if Vinny would still let him in after that night. Vinny doesn’t get why he still shows up in front of him after that horrible night.
“Why’re you here?” Vinny questions, his voice strained. “How did you even know my fucking address?”
And Jay’s heart only races even more.
Vinny gets startled when he’s suddenly breathing abnormally after the questions. Jay is looking at the floor, their shoes, then he’s shutting his eyes and shaking his head. He’s in panic now, his surroundings ringing, his thoughts a mess.
“I asked—I asked your friend, I, shit, I’m sorry. Sorry. I don’t—I don’t know why I—“ He’s panting so hard. He’s a fucking mess. Vinny is so confused and so concerned to see Jay act like this for the very first time.
“Fuck. Fuck.”
Jay covers his face with a hand. He’s shaking, Vinny notes. His tough facade suddenly falters when the hand on his door slides down, his foot taking a step forward involuntarily. He wanted to hold Jay, but refrains.
“I wanted,” the raven gasps, finding it difficult to get some wind in him. His shoulders begin to shake too. “Just wanted to see you. I—I don’t know. I wanted to see—you.”
It was a sob.
Fuck, Jay is crying.
Vinny breaks.
“Fuck.” He grabs Jay’s arm in a tight hold it almost hurt. He pulls Jay inside his apartment in a swift, closing the door shut. Vinny is a hermit to be living alone in this apartment with all the lights closed, but it mattered little now because Jay is having a panic attack right in front of him.
Jay can’t see anything. The lights are off and he has a hand on his face. He can only hear and feel. He feels Vinny push him back against the nearest wall. He hears the small table beside him clank from the impact. Jay wouldn’t have allowed it if it was a normal day, but it isn’t a normal day. Not when he’s being so vulnerable in front of the redhead. Not when he’s onwardly seeking for that certain brashness.
“What the heck is going on with you?” He hears Vinny’s voice breaking. Feels the tightness on both his shoulders where Vinny holds him. Jay is shaking his head; he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to say. But he’s still crying. There are still tiny sobs slipping out no matter how hard he’s pressing a hand on his face, it still escapes him.
He hears Vinny curse again, but it’s not directed at him. It’s directed to the whole situation and how Vinny knew for a fact that he’s bad at this. If Jay is to see him right now, he would see how Vinny’s face is scrunched up from both concern and anxiety.
He has no idea how to deal with Jay.
He doesn’t know what to do or say that wouldn’t break him. Because right now? Jay seems so fragile. He seems to be in so much pain right now that Vinny wonders what could’ve affected him this much. Maybe he doesn’t wanna know after all. Maybe he’s afraid to find out that he’s the answer to all his own questions.
For now, he tries hushing Jay gently. It sounded so wrong even to his own ears. His hands are hesitant as well, but they eventually begin rubbing Jay’s shoulders and down his arms. Fuck, it’s weird, but the last thing Vinny wants right now is even more snot and tears. What he wants the most now is for Jay to calm, so tries to tell himself to care for the night. It wouldn’t hurt that much in the morning anyway, so he tries. He relaxes.
His hands soothing Jay’s shaking shoulders are much smoother now in the dark. He lets himself let go that even Jay can feel him do so.
“What’s got you like this?” His question comes out softer. It makes Jay shake even more. It makes him weak. Vinny looks down at him. He looks so small in his hands like this. Vinny might not know, but his gaze holds so much gentleness.
Jay doesn’t see it either.
He refuses to.
He’s still crying, but it’s quiet. Vinny isn’t sure if that’s a good thing. He tries his best to offer the best comfort for now. He lets his hands explore around. A hand comes to hold Jay’s neck, the rough texture of his palm is sending silent tingles down Jay’s spine.
“Shh.”
And Jay melts into more tears. A sob comes out, and it worries Vinny again. He holds a wrist.
“Jay.”
Vinny’s tone is soft at first. Jay knows what’s next, so he shakes his head.
Vinny is patient with him.
“Jay.” He calls twice, his tone firmer now, however. His hand slides up from Jay’s thin wrist to the hand covering his tear-stained face. “Come here.”
Vinny squeezes Jay’s fingers, gently tugging. Jay refuses, so Vinny stays. They stay—he stays, until he tugs again, and Jay allows him this time. Vinny removes Jay’s hand away from his dampen face. It drops and Vinny finally gets a good look at the raven’s crying face. His eyes are slightly bigger, probably swollen from the flowing tears. The edges of his eyes are red, as well as his lips. It’s plumper from getting bitten in attempts to hold back stubborn sobs. His cheeks are puffier too, just a bit, and Vinny refuses to acknowledge that little tug he felt in his heart.
Jay averts his eyes, sniffling. “Don’t know what I’m doing here.” His voice sounds quite weird too. Jay wipes his tears with the heel of his palm, and Vinny just watches him do so.
“I shouldn’t have come.”
Vinny hums, noncommittal. “Doesn’t matter now. You’re already here.”
He watches as Jay’s eyebrows knit, lips trembling.
“I shouldn’t,” his voice cracks. He shuts his eyes to collect himself, reopening them only when he’s ready again. “I shouldn’t have disturbed you.”
Vinny isn’t taking that now.
“It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t even doing anything when you came.”
Jay shuts up.
His head hangs low and Vinny stares. Their surroundings had gone completely quiet, and when Vinny had thought the dust finally settled, Jay’s shoulders begin trembling again and he’s crying once more.
The tears keep on flowing that Jay himself doesn’t even know what’s happening to him. Vinny is worried all over again—he steps closer, holding Jay’s wrist to a stop when it came up to cover his face again. Vinny doesn’t let him do that anymore.
“Hey.” His tone is soft again, “Hey.” He towers over Jay by just a few inches and Jay appreciates the press. The close proximity.
“What’s going on?” Vinny asks, purely just wanting to know the root of all Jay’s problems but it’s hard to squeeze it out the man.
And it’s ironic really, for Vinny to suddenly get so caring after committing something that cannot be undone. And yet, Jay’s here too, wanting his comfort more than anyone else’s. It’s ironic for a person to want the people who hurt them bandage the wound they put on them.
“You.” Jay croaks in between his cries. And it is the truth Vinny didn’t wanna hear out loud despite knowing already. He knits his brows, having no choice but to swallow it quickly and just accept.
The redhead nods mutedly, sliding his thumb up Jay’s inner wrist and into his palm.
“You left.” Jay says finally, “You left. I tried to get you back, but you acted like a complete asshole.”
Vinny takes that.
“You even destroyed my bike. You know how much it meant to me.”
“I did.” Vinny rasps.
“You did, but what the hell did you do?”
Vinny doesn’t respond. He lets Jay vent. He lets Jay hate him and he lets himself hold Jay’s face, getting wet in an instant from the tears. Vinny watches Jay cry; he never knew he can make him cry like this at all. He watches him solemnly, heart and mind quiet. Just Jay and the mistakes he can’t undo.
“I just wanted you back.” Jay cries even more. Sobs. His eyes are closed because the tears are hurting him by now. “We needed you there. I needed you there.”
And even if it’s the first time Vinny is hearing those words from Jay, he already knew long before it became actual words. Because Vinny needed him the same, but there were much more greater things he needed to tend to than his own problems. Greater than Jay.
“Fuck, you bastard,” Jay hiccups. “Fuck. You’re such a pain in the ass, but I need you to keep me sane.”
It strikes Vinny so close to home.
If it wasn’t for Jay’s own tears, he would’ve broken down that instant too.
“Look at me.”
But Jay doesn’t. He denies him. Yet Vinny’s touch on his face is yet to leave. Jay wishes he’d be more like it. Jay wishes Vinny is someone who is able to stay more.
Vinny’s pale thumb caresses his under eyelid. “Jay,” he forces Jay to turn his head towards him, and Jay is little to no strength, so he couldn’t resist. “Look at me.”
They hold each other’s gazes this time. Vinny holds Jay’s carefully, afraid of urging another tear to ache out of him. Jay’s eyes are glassier than ever, and even though Vinny thinks that he’s so pretty, he wishes that he’ll never drown Jay in a pit of painful tears again.
Jay is sniffling when he caresses out a drop threatening to fall from the corner of his left eye. Vinny holds Jay’s face so tenderly that Jay almost forgot all their bad memories. All the bad memories Vinny specifically had left him. A wound to his heart.
“Listen to me,” the redhead says in a hushed tone.
“I already know what you’re going to say.” And it meant that Jay didn’t wanna hear it.
There’s a pause. “I need you to understand.”
“I always understand and you know it—“
“Jay, damnit, it’s not that fucking easy.”
Their words are under aggressive whispers. They both have something to fight for. They both know where the other is coming from, but they aren’t completely on the same page.
“Why?” Jay’s voice raises slightly, “Why do you do this? We all know you’re lying whenever you turn your back on us. I know that you’re lying even to yourself,” Jay’s voice is breaking, his emotions are everywhere that it starts getting the best out of Vinny too. His pupils shake and his jaw clenched tight. His hand on Jay’s face somewhat trembles.
“I don’t lie to myself. I know what’s the painful truth and I know that I can’t keep running away from it so I plainly decided to face it head on. That’s it.” Vinny snaps, “Not everyone has a fucking easy life, idiot, and not everyone is willing to take the easy way.”
“I’m not telling you to take any other way!” Jay shouts, more tear drops rolling down his cheeks. And Vinny halts, heart aching at the sight. “I’m just telling you to stop sabotaging yourself. Sabotaging everyone. Don’t close people out of your life just because you’re having a hard time. Don’t shut me out. God, Vinny, let yourself be happy for once.”
And Jay breaks into a pit of sobs again. Harder this time that it embarrasses him utterly. He tries stopping his overflowing tears with the heels of his palms, but the tears are not cooperating at all.
Vinny is frozen silent. He only melted again when Jay gasps, finding it hard to breathe once more. He looks down at Jay’s state with such apologetic eyes as a new perspective got injected into his mind.
He begins to cup Jay’s cheeks with both of his cold hands. He steps impossibly closer into the raven’s space, pressing their bodies together like they are one. Vinny helps him wipe away his tears.
He also realizes that slapping Jay with the reality of their situation right now will not help with anything. What Jay needs is his cooperation. A small distraction out of their helpless situation because he knows anyway. Jay knows that no matter what he says, Vinny won’t hear and have a change of heart. He might go soft on him when he sees him this way, but he’s never backing out on his priorities.
“Okay,” so Vinny plays along for now. He brushes Jay’s hair out of his face. Subtly, he saw how Jay followed his touch and he felt how his heart ached at that. “Okay, I hear you. I’m sorry.”
He’s sorry.
“It’s not easy for me to just let everything go for the sake of my own happiness, and I know you know that well.” Vinny explains gently because it’s the easiest pill Jay can swallow at the moment. “I’ve been the absolute worst to you, so I’m the least deserving of your tears... I don’t like when you cry for me.”
He says that, but he doesn’t know how many times Jay did cry for him ever since the night he left. Vinny watches how the other’s tears and breathing are finally slowing down. And he also realizes that he can never do anything without making Jay go into a complete spiral.
And yet, he tries.
He gets closer. Specifically towards Jay’s cheek, the hand there traveling down his pale neck. Vinny nuzzles at the dampen skin and whispers, “I never wanted to hurt you.”
Their hearts are pressed; drumming into each other. The paces match, and Vinny decides to show the most deepest part of his heart.
Lips ghosts against Jay’s cheek. Barely. Almost unfelt, but there is a certain unfamiliar tickle.
“But I did anyway. Multiple times.” Vinny says. “And that was something both of us couldn’t help. I’m a miserable person, Jay, you know that damn well and still you keep coming back to me. That’s something I can’t comprehend.”
There’s a hand now gripping Jay’s wrist in a tight hold as it remains on the side of his hip.
“Whenever you are close to me, you only get yourself hurt. I needed to keep you as far away as possible before you could witness me start going batshit crazy. I didn’t wanna consume you in all that bullshit. I needed to be left alone.”
Heterochromic eyes now stare right into Jay’s soul. Jay accepts him no differently. Even after everything, he’s still the same Vinny that would let him inside his old house and would cook them instant ramen despite the grumbles. The same old Vinny who’d sleep beside him even when he claimed that he hated their super rookie the most.
Maybe Jay got too fond of him that he is even turning a blind eye to a monster.
“Yet, you still want this.” Vinny’s voice goes extremely low. Dangerous.
“For me to hold you. To treat you kindly for once even though you know it’ll be gone by the morning. That’s why you’re here in the first place, ain’t that right?”
Oh, but he’s also broken. So incredibly broken. Vinny doesn’t notice it himself though, but Jay can see it clearly as it’s displayed all over his face. In his creased eyebrows and frown.
“You want me to take responsibility for all the wounds I put on you. You want me to fix you up, to comfort you, even though it’s just all a big damn lie.”
The hand he has around the raven’s wrist starts shaking harder. It’s like a call for help.
Jay isn’t the only one who needs all of that.
He isn’t the only one who needs some lying to.
The wrist Vinny grasped gets snatched away from his hold as that hand comes up to take a handful of Vinny’s collar. Jay yanks him closer, and Vinny’s tough facade instantly falters, melting at Jay’s mercy, because Jay was right—he needs all of that too.
“It isn’t just a big lie.”
Jay concludes, and the air shifts.
They meet in the middle; sealing the remaining distance in a desperate kiss. With knitted brows, Jay grunts against Vinny’s lips, and Vinny responds gladly with the same eagerness.
All of a sudden, Jay is getting pushed against the wall harder, Vinny’s trembling fingers threading through long dark locks. Their tongues clash, fighting but at the same time savoring each other’s taste.
Vinny tastes like cigarettes and misery while Jay tastes like bitter tears and Vinny.
Oh, how they needed this. Wanted even.
They pant against each other, and Jay cries more because it’s all too much. Too much. Yet he clings on to Vinny like he’s his lifeline. Vinny does the same—his free hand clutching the back of Jay’s shirt, pulling down, holding him pinned.
They continue kissing, noisily, they’ve never craved for anything else so badly before. Vinny kisses Jay rougher, and Jay can only accept, accept, accept until there is nothing left to give.
Vinny cups his face again, opening his heavy eyes slightly. Jay is still kissing him just as hard, not stopping until he feels like dying, and it does something to Vinny greatly.
He presses his lips on him again, a way of saying that the feeling is mutual, but it only lasted for a second before he backs away. Still lingering close, however. Jay chases, placing small pecks, hungry for affection like a dog.
And Vinny doesn’t push him away. He wants nothing more but to have Jay this close too.
“Enough tears.” The redhead slurs, kissing the raven again but softer; more innocent and loving. “Your lips taste bitter.” He says between kisses.
Jay shakes his head, opening his eyes too. They look into one another in the dark.
“Vinny.” He calls.
“Mhm,” a kiss.
And, “Vinny.”
Jay clings eagerly. He tugs on the other’s sleeve.
Vinny stares at him, wiping yet another tear that fell. He nods, tucking an arm under Jay’s pit, “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers and the words rolled so oddly in his tongue. Vinny’s. Vinny kisses Jay’s head before he lets Jay hop on to him, strong thighs wrapping around his torso.
The raven is almost embarrassed to be in this position, but he could honestly care less. He wraps his arms around Vinny’s neck too, tilting his head downward to meet the redhead’s eyes once more.
And for a moment there, they share a mutual understanding. They both lean in for another kiss even as Vinny starts walking, carrying both their weight. The kiss is soft and slow this time but with the same passion and fire.
Vinny pulls away, flushed ears glowing in the pitch black space and Jay thinks quietly how adorable that is. He feels much lighter now. Much… comforted.
He is getting laid under a soft mattress. The redhead is in between his legs, his forearm beside his head as they continue their love declarations from the hallway against each other’s mouths.
But it’s different now. They’re more in sync with all the head tilts and tongue movement. No one is fighting for dominance anymore, merely enjoying the peace that this connection brought them.
With the realizations and throbbing souls, they kiss the night away—slow and fond and a bit shy.
Until they’re just lying on the sheets now, staring up the ceiling for about ten minutes or less. Jay is using Vinny’s arm as a pillow. This is almost perfect; even with Jack leaning on the side of his leg.
Jay turns. Jack hops down the bed.
He places a hand on Vinny’s chest, and Vinny acknowledges the gesture without protest, even giving the boy a kiss on the hair.
It’s perfect.
“Are you real?” The raven asks.
“Are you?”
“Yes,” Jay replies quietly after a short pause. He looks up at the paler male. “You don’t push me away.”
Vinny stays completely still, thinking, eyes on his smooth boring ceiling. Jay can feel his arm wrapping around his shoulders, embracing him more. It makes Jay’s heart jump.
Finally, the redhead looks down.
“I love having you near.” He says honestly.
And, oh.
Well, that certainly doesn’t help with Jay’s heart.
It just began pounding even more.
Jay keeps it chill though. He hopes he’s getting Vinny fooled.
“That’s a first.” He says casually but Vinny shakes his head. Then he’s closing his eyes.
“Not a first,” he mumbles, gripping Jay’s shoulder gently. “I’ve just been lying to myself the whole time.”
That sounded about right.
“That’s not very healthy.”
And Vinny sighs, turning his body towards the raven and proceeding to put another arm on top of him. On his stomach, around his torso. He cuddles the love smitten Jay.
“Then take care of me.”
He gives Jay the responsibility, and Jay responds no more. He just hugs Vinny back by the waist, burying his face on his broad chest—a silent call for sleep to come and visit.
Ah. This is what Jay wanted all along.
To have Vinny let him in his life and to trust him to hold him with care.
All along, Jay just wanted Vinny to open up. To be true to his own feelings because Jay couldn’t suffocate for the both of them any longer.
Jay cried because he was so desperate. He wanted Vinny to know how much he is so in love with him and that it’s making him so miserable to keep it hidden. And for that, Vinny rewarded him with a gift.
His bed. His chest. And his heart.
For the night, Vinny did stay, but things won’t go back to the past like how Jay wanted to.
But it’s fine, he concluded.
Because at least he’s got Vinny visiting him more often in the following days. Because Vinny started taking him out on dates, giving him phone calls, and his bed, his chest, and his heart.
They might be apart, but Vinny finally learned how to let him in and does not resist anymore.
For the longest time, Vinny had loved him too. And that is all Jay needed to make sure of.