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“That would be nice”, Miyeon said to herself as she watched from afar the hand that held her whole heart, dancing with someone else. The ring on her ring finger looked heavier than on any other day.
At that moment, she saw. She saw what had been written in front of her for a long time, and perhaps, her own hands had prepared the pencil. She saw that, in the end, they never made it.
It wasn't hard to remember when it started. For Miyeon, it was always her, but for her? Oh no, for her it was always another heart. For Shuhua it was never her.
Looking back, in that same place, with the same people, Miyeon almost wished she had never met her. But that could never happen either.
When they met, they were students at the same university, but all with a different goal. When Miyeon started Business and economics, it wasn't by choice or for a specific dream. Seoul National University, that was her parents dream. As soon as she started, she learned that there were two groups in the university. Those with big names and big heritages, where graduation was more about their dedicated life of "accomplishments" - in her case, her parents - than about dreams or those who have done their utmost to live out their dreams and deserve to be there.
In her case, it was the first and she only learned that when she met Minnie, who oddly enough, like her, came from an influential family, but was more suited to the second scenario when she abandoned everything to go to the university of her dreams, including her country and family.
Soon enough they met Soyeon, which was totally the second scenario. She didn't have the money, the influence or any other privileges that a big name can provide, but she did have talent, dedication and a big love for music.
It didn't take long for Miyeon to consider Minnie the closest person she had, and Minnie being a foreign student, was the one who introduced Yuqi, that even though she was from a completely different country and a bit disrespectful to someone younger, she seemed to belong to the group from the start. She, too, belonged to the second scenario.
Shuhua, she came along in the most unusual way possible and just like Miyeon, she was also from the first scenario. But in a different way, she wasn't there because she needed a degree on her list of achievements that her parents could brag about, but because she was herself.
When Miyeon first saw her, for the first time, she found herself enchanted by something in life. Shuhua was everything Miyeon admired, she was strong in defending her ideals, she was shy, but she wouldn't stop speaking her mind even if she didn't know exactly what to say. She was strong and confident, and unlike Miyeon, she had a very strong goal.
She was the most beautiful person Miyeon had ever seen; she was cheerful, innocent and true to everything she did.
For a while, Miyeon believed that Shuahua could feel the same way she did. As much as outsiders found them a bit peculiar, given that they were always fighting or arguing about something, they were each other's person, they understood each other like no one else, even in view of Miyeon's much deeper affection. For months, Miyeon allowed herself to believe that Shuhua's indifference was pure pettiness, until she too joined the group.
Soojin, who was introduced to the group by Miyeon. She who was everything that Shuhua wanted. And even then, when Shuhua's great affection for Soojin became almost impossible to deny. Miyeon didn't have the courage to walk away or blame Soojin for something she had no control over.
But that was five years ago, they were young and didn't realize much about life. And they would never have imagined that they would be where they are today. Analyzing everything that has passed, those were much easier days to follow.
That morning, when they were getting ready for the five-year graduation party, Miyeon didn't realize how much more effort Shuhua had to put into getting ready than usual, or how strangely anxious she looked, or how with every stepdone Shuhua asked if she looked good. She knew that for her, Shuhua would always be the most beautiful.
But looking at it now, as Shuhua danced with Soojin, the smile Miyeon lived to see was much more radiant than any she had ever seen. Even more so than the day they danced their first dance as wives.
Miyeon watched while Yuqi talked about how beautiful it would be to live a love like the one in the book Minnie wrote. “Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time and although you listen to it thousands and thousands of times, it will continue being your favorite. Or when you read a book that no matter the mistakes or the plots, you'll love it from beginning to end. Or when you dance and no matter the place or the music, it will be perfect for your heartbeat” At least it was the quote Miyeon remembers highlighting in green, Shuhua's favorite color.
“That would be nice,” Miyeon said out loud without realizing it. She was holding her drink with one hand while looking at the ring shining at the other.
“Ya, what you are saying, Miyeon Unnie. You’re a married woman, and with our friend” Soyeon pushed her with her shoulder as she said.
“Ya, don’t pretend you aren’t the most lovey dovey person who exist, you’re the most in love person that i ever saw and i truly don’t know how Shuhua don’t have diabetes being marry to you” Yuqi keep shaking her as she speak and even there Miyeon was able to give a little smile.
Miyeon felt her heart on the floor, her eyes were burning, and she wasn't exactly present in what her friends were saying. Her eyes, as discreet as they were, were glued to the two dancing women. And even though she felt that what she loved most was on the verge of slipping from her hands, it wasn't something Miyeon didn't know.
She knew of the unconditional love Shuhua felt for Soojin and the reasons why they didn't work out. She was there when Shuhua confessed for the first time and she wiped away her tears for 3 hours when she begged for a chance for the fourth time. Miyeon just wanted to believe that after 5 years, she could be what Shuhua wanted.
“I would like you to know, Miyeon Unnie. If I had to name one couple where I could most see the love I wrote about, it would be yours and Shuhua's.” Miyeon knew that Minnie being the one most close to her and being her confident since the beginning about her feelings for Shuhua, she could see the internal battle written in her eyes at that moment.
It wasn't long before Shuhua and Soojin returned to the table, and seeing her wife come to her, Miyeon drank the rest of her drink in one go. She didn't want Shuhua to see the pain in her eyes and she most definitely needed the alcohol. She could not be the person Shuhua loved the most, but she was her person after all.
Shuhua looked tired and sweaty, but had a beautiful smile on her face that could tell she was having fun. She approached her wife to rest on her shoulder, as she looked for her drink.
“I didn’t remember i could dance like that, god i am tired” Shuhua told them as she made a dramatic face.
“Ya, both of you are so selfish, how could you go dance without us? Soojin has been out of the country for 4 years and she didn’t even bring us presents” Minnie kept shaking her head as she saw the women back.
"I remember I sent you all presents before the party, didn't I?" Soojin made a questioning face at Yuqi.
“Oh no, that wasn’t a present. That was a very nice notification that you would be back for the party, if i recall.” Yuqi as always can't stop side with Minnie at the slight chance of getting something.
Shuhua for a moment let herself lean on her wife, but it didn't take long for her to join the conversation. Clearly, the fact that Soojin was with them after almost 4 years of not seeing each other was something they were all excited about. Miyeon couldn't deny that she was happy with her friend back, even with the whole situation, Miyeon and Soojin had never had anything against each other and had always had a good relationship. After all, Miyeon just confessed to Shuhua the very same day as today but 4 years ago. Maybe that's why that night was messing with her so much.
She remembers how cold it was that day as they walked across Banpodaegyo Bridge. She remembers holding Shuhua's hand and confessing. She confessed how she had listened and supported Shuhua in chasing the one she loved, helping her to arrange dates and make gifts. She listened and understood her, but deep down she was lying to her.
Miyeon confessed that every time she saw Shuhua, her heart almost fell out of her chest, she also said that because she loved Shuhua so much, she wanted her to be loved by the one she loved, and that's why she helped her. She confessed that she believed that one day Shuhua would make it and that she would go on, but that at that moment Miyeon no longer wanted to be the person who watched from afar and that she wanted to have the courage that Shuhua had for all the times she had tried, no after no. It was there, on that November night, that Miyeon confessed her love, which only grew. There she gave the rest of her heart.
Miyeon saw the shock in Shuhua's eyes, watched as her mouth opened and closed again and again, for 3 minutes, and for the first time, Shuhua had no answer on the tip of her tongue, and so Miyeon, with nothing to lose, said, “I respect your feelings, no matter what your answer is, I'm not asking you to reciprocate what I feel, because I don't know if it's possible for someone to love someone else with the same intensity. I'm asking for a chance, a chance for you to feel loved, a chance to make you happy and if one day you think I'm not enough, I'll make you happy in the same way I've always done from a distance. “
Miyeon knew it wasn't fair, coming from the same background as Shuhua, Miyeon knew that the fact that Shuhua had come out to her family was the reason she came to Korea, after all, her family wouldn't have to face the repercussions of the news on their perfect image. Even more so if Shuhua turned up with someone who also belonged to the second scenario. Someone who didn't have a big name or influence, but whose efforts and dreams were enough to pursue their achievements.
It was even more unfair to confess on the day when, once again, she had said ‘no’ to yet another attempt. Even more when the person you love has just found out that the person they love is moving away and that "no" was their last chance.
That night, Shuhua kissed her with tears in her eyes and at the end of the year, Soojin left for another country. After all, to give up a degree in Management to pursue your dream of dancing is to go where you have the opportunity. She, even with her love for Shuhua, couldn't return her feelings in the same way, for Soojin, Shuhua had always been like a sister.
And for months, Miyeon believed she was walking on ice, where that reality wouldn't last until the next summer, where with every kiss, she wasn't the one on the other side or how she wasn't the one Shuhua was waiting for when the phone rang, but Miyeon was patient and the hope that born on that bridge in winter was the biggest flame that could exist that day. That flame that just grew and grew and overshadowed the signs when, two years later, Shuhua said yes not just to a chance, but to a future. Miyeon let herself believe that for Shuhua, it was her.
The noise in the room was muffled by the realization that that flame had not resisted the winter. With trembling hands and oblivious to the conversation her friends were having, Miyeon looked once again at her wife and even with all the pain she felt at that moment, she couldn't help but smile. After all, as much as she ignored it to the point of having forgotten what was written a long time ago, sometimes “Until death do us apart “ is for books and not for life.
"I'd love to keep hearing you complain just like you did 5 years ago, but my cup won't fill up on its own and as much as I love the ring on Shuhua's hand, it looks so much better while holding a cup" Miyeon said as she retreated towards the bar, in the background the grumbling of complaint at her cringe phrase echoed. In fact, the focus of her exit was the door that led towards the balcony right next to the counter full of drinks.
The night wasn't that cold, but the air was refreshing in contrast to the choking room. The moon seemed more welcoming than her thoughts too. Miyeon could let herself think without the constant noises and voices around her, it would be easier to hide the fact that she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings.
As she listened to the music muffled by the doors, the ring on her finger remained heavier than it normally was. It would be nice to be able to go back to the time when loving Shuhua from afar was enough for her. But at that moment, she couldn't imagine such a scenario.
Without waking up to Shuhua clinging to her like a koala, even when she insisted that Miyeon is the clingy one. Without spending the weekends with Shuhua's loud laughter, while the most absurd situation occurred at their home. She couldn't imagine not having the only moments when Shuhua allowed herself to feel shy around her, when she complimented her for no apparent reason or when the red of her face contrasted with the white of her skin during their countless nights of sex, and the fact that even after four years, Miyeon still drew the same reaction from a breathless Shuhua left her craving for more.
She couldn't imagine not having to save Shuhua from her studio, while creating the most beautiful art and getting lost in time and space. And even though she complained about Shuhua's bursts of creativity, which led her to paint the walls of their house or even parts of her body. Miyeon would miss coming across different walls several times, or taking long baths together to remove the colors and shapes from their bodies after what started out as a living canvas painting, aka Miyeon, became a paint war after the fifth fight due to the fact that the bristles of the brushes made it impossible for Miyeon not to move.
She wouldn't have to console Shuhua after a stressful day at work, while Shuhua told her that only Haku and Mata loved her, after once again her parents stuck her with company problems that could just as well have been solved the next morning. And when it came to Haku and Mata, she couldn't find the courage to take them away from Shuhua for a second, even if it was to share custody and in the end, the image of her seeing herself alone was enough to make the tears flow.
"I thought the drink had run away from you on the way to the table," Miyeon heard Shuhua say behind her.
"I think it would be hard to miss the scene of me running after them, I believe I ran from them instead"
"Miyeon Unnie, what's wrong? I thought you were excited about meeting everyone today.”
"Shuhua, are you happy?" Miyeon said as she stared at the moon, not feeling the strength to look into the eyes of the one who held her heart and soul in their hands and who understood her better than anyone and say what she had promised four years ago.
"What do you mean? Today? Well, I'd forgotten how annoying lawyer Yuqi can be, but I'm very happy to be with them." Miyeon could feel the weight of Shuhua's gaze as she leaned on the counter next to her.
Miyeon took a deep breath as, like a deja Vu, she confessed again. This time, she talked about that day four years ago and how she only had the courage to confess because Soojin had told her she was leaving at the end of the year and that for the first time Miyeon felt like she might have a chance. She confessed how she didn't believe that anyone could ever feel a love like hers for Shuhua. How she had accepted a ‘no’ before she even started confessing and how she selfishly believed that if she loved her enough and made her happy, then one day Shuhua would love her as much as she loved her , or even more.
But that same day, Miyeon had promised her that she didn't want to bind Shuhua by obligation to a feeling she didn't have.
Miyeon allowed herself to clench her fists as tightly as she could and to bite her lip to prevent them from shaking and making her lose her courage in what would be her greatest regret.
"I know this isn't the time, but I don't think I can pretend anymore" Miyeon swallowed dryly, at what she feared would be her last chance "I love you, and you'll never be unloved by me, because you're already too deep in my soul, but love … love is not finding someone to live with, love is finding someone you can’t live without. So…if today you tell me that you think it could be different and that once again, you can love someone like you did four years ago, then I'll give you the chance to love endlessly, just like you gave me that day"
For a second, Shuhua's silence became familiar and her heart was calmed by the familiarity of the moment, until Shuhua began to speak.
"Was it the dance? Is it because I danced with Soojin that you believe my love is unreal?"
For a moment Miyeon didn't know how to move on, but in less than three minutes, Shuhua had realized the reason for her despair.
"I know, I know you're too good and the fact that you think it was selfish to be honest about your feelings proves it." The tears in Shuhua's eyes were something Miyeon couldn't have predicted and for just a moment, the fear she felt seemed unfounded.
"I'm sorry ... I'm sorry that on that day I took your love for granted and for months I hoped that your love would heal the pain that mine was in, a pain that you never caused. I'm sorry for having made you believe for all those years that you were less than first in my life." Shuhua seemed increasingly nervous as she spoke, it was unusual and Miyeon could count on her fingers how many times she had seen Shuhua opening up about her feeling like how she was at that moment and the unfamiliarity made hope return for a second.
"At that moment, or even months later, I was blind. Blinded by a love that I had believed to be unique, blinded by someone I had sworn to be forever. But today I know ... I know and yet I didn't say ... I know and yet I didn't show it" Shuhua looked into Miyeon's eyes, she didn't want for a second for her eyes to betray her words. "I didn't know, but I ... I ... I didn't have to try, I don't know when or where as you know, but I know … I know that suddenly I started imagining you in all the empty places I sat next to and ... and all the songs had you in the name and one day all my paintings were about you. And I know I could never name all the “when’s” like you can and I wouldn't know how to write a line like Minnie wrote in that book that has more green than a blank page, but... I selfishly, thoughtlessly, want you to be mine."
Shuhua's breathing seemed unable to draw in the air that the cold night was blowing so hard, and the tears in Miyeon's eyes made her want to stop breathing. "And God... you have me. You're my person and I'm not good enough to let you go... I don't want you where I can't see you, where I can't have you, and I really don't want to be anywhere where you're not."
“And I'm too stubborn to allow myself to tell you this, because I love you…I love you like I've never felt or like I could never imagine, because it's you and it's always going to be you and because I feel like everyone should know, my conversation with Soojin was about you, it was about my love for you and I'm sorry for believing that dancing with her would be better than talking to her privately.”
And at that moment, Miyeon saw. She saw that it had always been her for Shuhua. Because Shuhua wouldn't allow herself to cry or lose confidence in front of anyone if it wasn't for her. Because she was her person, she always had been.
The tears that Miyeon had been holding back finally fell without any effort to stop them. The only thing that kept them from falling to the ground were Shuhua's hands, which wiped them away while her face was in a similar situation.
"Pabo" Shuhua said as she left small kisses along the paths of the tears. "I'll tell Minnie not to write any more romance books with impactful phrases, there are people who don't have the emotion for them"
"Yaa, don't make fun of my feelings, I thought we were going to have to share custody of our children" Miyeon said as she tried to escape from her wife's arms.
"Share custody? No no, just visitation." Before Miyeon could complain, Shuhua was pulling her back into the party. "Come on, you still owe me a drink to show off my wedding ring and a dance."