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Two years is not that much time. At least, that's what Tobio keeps telling himself. He thinks that maybe, if he says it enough times, it'll be true. Maybe time will stop for Sugawara and Tobio can catch up. Maybe no one will go off to college and forget about the other, and no one will be heartbroken over a silly crush on a kind, gentle third year that never could have worked out, but that wouldn't stop them from hoping.
But time moves forward on its own without a care for anyone, and it most certainly does not give a second thought to the petty, childish wishes of a sixteen-year-old kid who's too scared to tell his teammate, his elder, his friend, that he might be a little in love with him.
Summer rolls around, bringing the sound of ever-noisy cicadas and the taste of sweet, juicy watermelon and a training camp with Nekoma and several other high school volleyball teams, including Fukurodani that has the fifth best spiker in Japan. Tobio is ready to learn as much as possible and become better, so he can defeat Aobajousai and Shiratorizawa and anyone else in his way.
Hinata spends every free moment with Kozume playing video games or pleading the Nekoma setter to toss to him. Tsukishima gets roped into practicing with Nekoma's captain and Fukurodani's captain and setter. Yamaguchi works tireslessly on his jump float serve while Yachi stands on the sidelines, and the rest of the team busies themselves following Kiyoko around (Nishinoya and Tanaka), meeting the other teams (Sawamura and Azumane), or having debates about films and computer games (Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita).
Everyone is sleeping soundly. Tobio lets his head fall to the side and glances through the darkness at his teammates. The sounds of study breathing and light snoring fills the silence ever so slightly. He feels restless, like his body is pulsing with energy, and he knows it's a hopeless case to lay still and try to get some sleep. He sits up as quietly as possible and steps over one body at a time, taking extra care not to accidentally kick someone in the stomach or step on their face. Once he's safely out in the hallway, he breathes out a sigh of relief and shuffles down the hall.
He climbs a small, grassy hill just outside the building and sits down cross-egged. He leans back with his palms against the grass, ignoring the way the blades poke into his skin and make him slightly itchy. It's not cold enough for a jacket, but there's a slight breeze that kisses his skin gently. It's refreshing to be in weather like this, where the nights aren't searing hot or frost-bitten cold. When he tilts his head back, he notices several thick clouds obstructing the view of the moon. Nevertheless, the stars shine down pleasantly and twinkle against the black sky. Small glimmers of hope in the dark.
"Couldn't sleep?" a voice comes from behind him, and Tobio nearly jumps out of his skin. He turns wildly to see Sugawara standing at the egde of the hill a foot away.
"Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he says, chuckling sheepishly.
"Sugawara-san," Tobio says, his heart still beating hard from the startle. "How did you know I was out here?"
Sugawara settles himself next to Tobio on the grass and half smiles at him. "I heard you get up and leave the room, and I had a feeling you weren't going to the bathroom."
Tobio picks a blade of grass and pinches it between his thumb and pointer finger. "I'm sorry for waking you."
Sugawara shakes his head lightly. "I hadn't gone to sleep. I was just pretending so that when you got up you wouldn't notice me." He pauses to glance at the sky, and then back at Tobio. His eyes have gone serious now, and while still retaining the light-heartedness they usually do, it's clear that he's concerned.
"Is everything okay?" he asks carefully with that worried look on his face that he sometimes has when Azumane starts thinking negatively or when Yamaguchi serves and his face falls when it sails into the net.
"I'm," Tobio says, hesitating to let his brain think of what to say next, "fine."
Sugawara cocks his head ever so slightly, looking as if he doesn't believe him. "Really? You don't seem fine."
Tobio curses under his breath. Sugawara is the type of person who knows exactly what everyone else is feeling, which can be wonderful at times, but also not so ideal at other times. Like now.
"Why do you say that?" he grumbles, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on his kneecaps.
Sugawara shrugs and half smiles at him. "I can tell." He pauses for several seconds before continuing. "Is it about you and Hinata? I know you aren't doing as well since the fight."
"We're doing fine," Tobio says unconvincingly.
"You haven't spoken to him since we got here," Sugawara says back.
Tobio clutches his knees tighter. "We're fine. It's not about that, anyway."
The older setter furrows his brow. "Then what is it?"
Tobio doesn't say anything, knowing that this was one thing that he wouldn't be able to talk to anyone about, especially Sugawara.
He sighs and gently places a hand on Tobio's arm. "If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. I just want to make sure you're okay." The warmth from his hand radiates onto Tobio's skin and he yearns to feel that warmth wrapped around his body, safe from the world, because Sugawara has always been like an angel and Tobio needs to be saved.
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou, he doesn't say. Instead, he croaks, "Thank you," and closes his eyes, letting darkness reign over.
After a few minutes, the warm of Sugawara's hand leaves his arm and he hears quiet footsteps leaving. Tobio sits still, curled up in a ball, and thinks about if he'd ever find the courage to tell Sugawara, to not be afraid of anything for once, to not fear being that vulnerable in front of someone.
"Argh!" he cries out loud, flopping backwards onto the grass with arms and legs splayed wildly like a starfish. The night is like a black hole, an endless void that draws him in. He wonders if the stars could fall to the earth, and if they did, maybe he could catch one in his hand.
Maybe it would feel like holding Sugawara's hand.
_______
Tobio breathes in. Touches the ball with his fingertips, gently, as if it's porcelain. Looks for Hinata. Tosses. The ball hits the court with a loud smack and Hinata drops to the ground making excited squawking sounds.
"We won!" he exclaims, pumping his fist.
Tobio wipes a bead of sweat from his forehead. "Nice job."
"Nice, Shouyou!" Nishinoya calls from behind them.
"Dammit!" Tanaka yells. "I'll get that point back tomorrow, Hinata!"
"Bring it on!" Hinata shouts back, grinning.
Sawamura quiets them and dismisses them to get water and change out of their sweaty jerseys. Hinata trails after Tobio, chattering about the last set while they get changed. He never shuts up, Tobio thinks fondly.
Now dressed in a fresh shirt, Tobio drops down onto the bench beside Tsukishima, who gives him that same disinterested look he always seems to have. Only this time around he seems to be studying him, like he's trying to figure something out. He opens his mouth, and Tobio prepares for another snarky remark about his playing, with the nickname King tacked on at the end to annoy him.
"Nice job," Tsukishima mumbles.
Tobio does a double take. "Huh?"
The blond narrows his eyes in annoyance. "You heard me. I'm not saying it again."
An awkward pause of silence ensues, and finally Tobio says, "Uh, thanks. You too, I guess."
Tsukishima grunts and turns away while he drinks from his water bottle. Tobio stares at the side of his face, confused.
Sugawara is the first to leave, bowing at the doors and congratulating everyone for their hard work. Tobio's fingers tighten around the hem of his shirt as he watches the older boy disappear. He could do it. He could tell him right now.
He stands up quickly from the bench, not garnering a glance from Tsukishima, and bolt out the door with a thanks to the coach and captain thrown over his shoulder. He looks left and right, trying to think where the older setter would have gone. He jogs around the outside of the gym and, when he turns the corner, he sees Sugawara. But he's not alone. Hair swept to the side with cowlicks sticking up at the back, a dazzling smile, and an Aobajousai volleyball jacket. Tobio presses his back against the wall, heart beating fast. He listens.
"Oikawa, what are you doing here?" Sugawara giggles quietly, like a giddy child trying to keep a secret from the rest of the world.
"To see you, of course," Oikawa replies. Tobio peeks out from around the wall. They're tangled up together in the cool summer breeze, and Sugawara is holding Oikawa's cheeks in his hands.
"What if someone sees us?" the silver-haired boy whispers.
Oikawa laughs and pulls him closer. "Don't worry so much."
Tobio looks away before he sees their lips meet.
A week later, when Sugawara reveals his relationship with the rest of he team, Tobio tries his hardest to look surprised like everyone else ("The Grand King!" Hinata screeches, almost fainting, and even Tsukishima's eyes go wide). He smiles and tells Sugawara he's happy for him.
He knows his smile must look sad.
_______
Sugawara's hands are soft and warm, with long slender fingers that he uses to set the ball up gracefully in the air for Tanaka or Asahi to spike, and to push the strands of silver hair away from his pale face and warm, dark eyes, and to hold Oikawa Tooru's hand. They are not for Tobio to hold.
Time passes. Everyday after practice Sugawara leaves as soon as possible, and although he never says anything, Tobio knows he goes to meet with Oikawa. Eventually all he can think about is Sugawara and Oikawa and how he really wishes this whole ridiculous crush thing would go away and never come back. Ever.
Coordinating with Hinata becomes harder. His mind is somewhere else almost all the time, and the more he tries to do well, the worse his technique becomes. Not even during the time he and Hinata were fighting was he in such a place of emotional distraught to the point where he could hardly play.
He tosses to Tsukishima too hard, and he knows it's happened before the ball is in the air, but he can't stop it. The ball drops to the floor. For half a second everything is still. Then, Tsukishima grabs him by the shirt collar angrily and is spitting maliciously, "Pull yourself together. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Tobio can't even bring himself to come up with a clever retort. Instead he just scowls and mutters, "Let go of me."
"I'll let go when you get your shit together," Tsukishima snaps back.
Tanaka quickly steps in between them and pushes at both of their faces, forcing them apart. "Shut up already! We all need to calm down."
Tobio rubs at his cheek where Tanaka's hand had been. "I am calm."
"You are not!" Hinata pipes up. "You've been all spacey-out for weeks."
Tobio shoots him a glare, but the shorter boy has become used to his empty threats. "I'm fine," he insists.
"Obviously you're not, or else you wouldn't be playing terribly, even more so than usual," Tsukishima jeers.
Tobio snaps and moves to swing his fist at Tsukishima. Before he can blink, Sugawara has caught his fist in his hand and is staring him down calmly yet firmly.
"Kageyama, I think we should talk," he says in a way that lets Tobio know this is not optional. Sugawara lets go of his hand and motions for him to follow. Tobio trudges after him begrudgingly until they're outside the gym in the warm night air.
Sugawara sighs and smiles at Tobio, but it's that disappointed smile that he uses when someone has done something they shouldn't have. "What's wrong?"
"I told you, it's nothing," Tobio grumbles. "Tsukishima's just being a snarky bastard, as always. It's not my fault."
Sugawara is patient. "I'm not angry at you for fighting with Tsukishima. That doesn't matter. I just want you to be honest with me."
Tobio shifts some dirt around with the toe of his sneaker. "I am fine."
The older boy doesn't say anything for a while. He stares at Tobio as if he's waiting for him to say something; as if he knows Tobio is guilty of something and it waiting for him to confess.
"I know you like me," Sugawara finally says.
Tobio sputters. "Why would you think—"
He smiles, small and soft. "I can tell. And I'm flattered, really. But I'll be going to college soon, and you'll still be in high school. Two years is a lot at your age."
Tobio refuses to meet his gaze. "Two years isn't a lot of time. Can't you wait for me?" He hears how pained his voice sounds and he can only imagine how the older boy must feel, having a kid flutter after him like a small moth drawn to a dazzling flame. How pathetic.
Sugawara's eyes are sad. "I'm afraid I can't. And Oikawa..."
Tobio can feel the tears begin to sting his eyes. "Oikawa-san. Of course."
Silence lapses between them. Then, Sugawara crosses over to him, takes Tobio's face gently in his hands, and places a kiss on the top of his head. Tobio watches him leave through the tears welling in his eyes.
_______
Sometimes he wonders what it would be like to hold Sugawara's hand; to have that firm but gentle grip surrounding him and keeping him safe. He wonders what it would be like to be the one to make Sugawara's face light up with laughter, and to make him smile out of fondness.
But he is juse a boy caught in a current that's sweeping him away from shore, only at this point he's not sure if he cares enough to swim.
Maybe it's better to drown.