Work Text:
When Pei Ming woke up, he found a scroll on the floor next to him. He unrolled it and found a survey titled 100 Questions on Affinity. About half way through any other heavenly official would have blushed profusely and burned the scroll up, but Pei Ming was no regular heavenly official. As he finished reading Pei Ming had one of the best ideas he had had in the past 150 or so years.
100 Random Questions on HuaLian’s Affinity
The Questionnaire interviewees: Hua Cheng and Xie Lian
The Questionnaire interviewer: Pei Ming
Pei Ming had asked Xie Lian if he wanted to be a part of the survey, because all of the three realms knew that Crimson Rain Sought Flower and The Scrap Immortal were pretty much model citizens. It did not take much for Pei Ming to get Xie Lian to say yes. All he had to do was say that it was for the good of others, which it technically was, and that it was for research purposes. Yes, All of this was technically true, but mainly Pei Ming had to get his drama somewhere, because everyone knows that when life gives you a questionnaire filled with deeply personal questions, you make drama.
“Names?” Pei Ming asked, looking up from the scroll at the two people across from him.
“Xie Lian,”
“Hua cheng,”
“Your ages?”
They both just shrugged and looked mildly confused, as expected of Imortal beings. If you were to ask how old Pei Ming was he wouldn’t know at all.
“How would you describe your personality?”
“…” they both stared at each other
“Really? You dont know anything about your personality?”
“…”
“Ok. Fine. Moving on,”
“How about your partner’s personality?”
“San Lang has the best personality,” Xie lian stated matter of factly, r
“Gege has the best personality,” Hua cheng one upped him making Xie lian look mildly annoyed. All of this made Pei Ming want to kick them out and go find some more interesting people, or at least require all sentences to have descriptions.
“Where did you first meet?”
“During the heavenly ceremonial procession in Xianle,” Xie lian said looking very nostalgic, while hua cheng looked embaresed.
“What do you like best about your partner?”
“Everything,” they both said at the same time, causing Pei Ming to think that maybe getting some different people was not such a bad idea after all.
“What do you hate about your partner,”
Pei Ming was expecting them both to say nothing, but instead they both said something along the lines of “I hate that he thinks that he is not good enough,”
“How do you address your partner?”
“San Lang,”
“However his highness wants to be addressed.” Pei Ming really was this close to kicking them out, and aperently his face showed it to because Xie lian said somewhat apologetically
“Did we do something wrong?”
“If you were to compare your partner to an animal, what animal would it be?”
“A fox, but a cute little fluffy one,” xie lian said, gesturing with his hands in a way that was supposedly emphasizing that the fox small, but really he was just moving his hands up and down a lot.
“A ferret, or a bunny, or a bunny-ferret,”
“If you were giving your partner a present, what present would you give them?”
“The best present,” xie lian said like a little kid talking about their birthday.
“Whatever gege wants,” hua cheng said with none of the Mu Qing that usually went with the word “whatever”,
The scroll that Pei Ming had in his hands had worded this question much more delecetly, but when it came to this topic, one of Pei Ming’s specialitys, the wording was very clear.
“Have you had sex yet?”
The fact that Xie lian’s face turned a shade of red Pei Ming had never before seen on a face was answer enough, and while Hua Cheng was looking the other way the pointy ears showing through his hair had turned the color of one of yushi hangs pink radishes. This was why Pei Ming had chosen these two.
“Do you and your partner fight often?” Pei Ming asked to give them a break before he started on the “serious” questions
“No, not really, ”
“Which one of you is the top, which one of you is the bottom?” Pei Ming said trying very hard to suppress his laughter as he spoke.
“PEI MING,” Xie Lian cough-yell-sputtered, blushing even harder.
“How many times per month do you-”
And with that Pei Ming lost consciousness after what was probably a chair got chucked at his head.
Pei Ming regained consciousness the next morning, and after trying very hard remembered about the scroll.
He felt as though his hard work had not quite paid off. Xie Lian and Hua Cheng were just too perfect to laugh about, even if Xie lian’s expression after that last question had been gold.
Pei Ming’s work was far from done. He would have to find some other people who he could question. And then while looking at hi he had his second greatest idea of the past two days. One word (plus the sparkles that came with all of Pei Ming’s greatest thoughts) ✨FengQing✨.