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The crisp night air whipped through his hair as Kanata stood in awe at the display before him. Below him stood buildings littered with cracking foundations and he reckoned the street housed more garbage than a dump. Looking at it, he couldn’t understand what Nayuta saw in this place. He scrunched his nose at the sight of it. “This is where you came when I couldn’t find you?”
“Hey,” Nayuta lightly laughed, “I know it doesn’t look like much, but I think it’s nice up here.”
Kanata turned to look at the ratty old couch that had sat atop the building for god knows how long. Had it always been so torn up? And the stereo…did it even work after being left out like that? There was no way the speakers survived even one rainstorm.
“What do you like so much about this place anyway?” Kanata grumbled as he looked back at his brother, a bit jealous that he’d spent time away from him; and with someone else to boot.
Nayuta didn’t answer at first. He simply smiled and glanced up at the night sky where the stars almost seemed to sparkle that night. Kanata didn’t often look at the sky. But when he did, he recalled that it was usually filled with crusty buildings, broken signs, and bloodied fists. Never once could he remember a time that he’d witnessed it unobstructed. Maybe it had always been this beautiful, but he’d never found the time or place to look at it properly. Then, if on cue, Nayuta shared, “I like looking at the sky up here. If I look up at the sky, I don’t see – and typically forget – about the trash below.”
Kanata cracked a smile at the confession and lightly punched Nayuta’s shoulder, drawing his brother’s attention to him. “You never change.”
“Did you expect me to?” Nayuta teased.
“Well, your hair did,” Kanata quipped back as he burst out into a fit of laughter.
“Not fair,” Nayuta pouted. “It’s not my fault no one gave me a haircut.”
The waves of laughter continued to roll out of Kanata. Each one swelled, cresting on the edge of the last, and tumbled out until his sides hurt. When was the last time he’d felt like this? Could he even recall a happy memory before now? As the last of his laughter subsided, Kanata’s mind wandered back to a moment he didn’t realize he’d almost forgotten. At the time, he’d shoved it away with the belief that his world only had enough room for the two of them. Yet, Kanata now found himself swimming in a vision of fire.
Suzaku, he thought to himself. Allen Sugasano. Fuck.
He gritted his teeth a little at the thought. A part of him desperately wanted to deny any kind of friendship with the guy, but Kanata knew that he practically owed Allen his life after what happened at Paradox Live. “Tch.” He furrowed his brow in frustration. He didn’t want anything to do with the other guy. At least, he knew that was what he’d been telling himself all this time.
“What’s up?” Nayuta carefully asked, noticeably picking up on Kanata’s attitude change. He could never hide anything from his twin, could he? Their souls were truly tethered, or at least Kanata thought so before…
Ah . He shook his head at the thought. Why would he dwell on that when Nayuta stood beside him now? “It’s nothing.” Kanata dismissed and turned to look back out at the sky.
“It clearly isn’t ‘nothing.’” Nayuta crossed his arms, refusing to let Kanata drop the subject. “I manage to wake up from a coma, get cleared from any metal erosion, and reunite with my brother after being separated for months for him to hide things from me?”
Kanata inwardly winced at the sentiment. Though Nayuta’s voice was soft, his words bit under the cheeky smile Kanata knew decorated his brother’s face without even looking. Nayuta had always been like that—kind and gentle, but oh so honest. Hell, even his illusion had been that way a few times when Kanata thought about it. God, he would never forget the week when he and the illusion had gone to work at the spa house and it gave him shit about Suzaku.
Kanata didn’t want to address it then and he certainly didn’t want to talk about it now, but he knew his brother well enough to know that Nayuta would either figure it out on his own or pester Kanata until he broke. So, Kanata sighed, conceding that simply telling Nayuta would likely be the easier option.
“Suzaku,” he started.
“Who?”
“Just, listen.” Kanata squinted as if he already had a headache just thinking about the other man. “When you were– gone,” he started, each word tasting like molasses as he spoke them aloud. “I met someone who actually wasn’t all that bad.”
Nayuta perked up at the confession and Kanata could sense his brother’s eyes narrow in on him, making him shrink under the other’s gaze. He had placed Kanata under a microscope, trying to analyze every minute detail about him. Perhaps even discovering things Kanata didn’t know himself. But, he knew a few short sentences wouldn’t satiate Nayuta’s curiosity. So, he continued, “He’s stubborn, an idealist, hell– a dreamer even, and all too naive. He’s brash and annoying and always causing me headaches–”
“You’re smiling, Kanata.”
“Huh?” Kanata glanced over to see his brother smiling warmly back at him. The look on his face appeared soft– too soft– for Kanata’s liking, forcing him to turn away. Kanata frowned as he kicked a loose stone by his foot, watching it fall over the edge of the rooftop before faintly hearing it hit the sidewalk below them.
As the echo died, Nayuta whispered, “He sounds a lot like you.”
“As if!” Kanata whipped his head around, ready to argue with anything Nayuta might say, but lost all steam once he saw misty eyes.
“He is though,” Nayuta’s voice lightly cracked on the last word. Kanata could hear the strain in his voice as he continued. “You’re stubborn, Kanata, but it’s because of your own ideals that you are. You’re a dreamer too. How else would you have made it through Paradox Live?”
“That’s not–”
“And you’re certainly brash,” Nayuta chuckled as Kanata huffed, crossing his arms. “But, my guess is that this ‘Suzaku’ is also kind. I’m also going to assume he’s talented if he’s caught your attention.”
“Maybe, for a rich kid,” Kanata mumbled.
“You even said he’s passionate and so are you. Listen–” Nayuta placed his hand on Kanata’s shoulder. “I can see it clearly; the way you think about him. So, why do you push it away?”
“Not you too.” Kanata shrugged Nayuta’s hand off of his shoulder, side-stepping him to look at anything other than those all-knowing eyes. A chill ran through Kanata, causing him to shiver. From the cold or Nayuta’s words, he was unsure.
The cold night wind carded through his hair as he thought back on what the illusion had said to him weeks ago:
“I’m glad that you broadened your horizons. That you were able to find someone important to you, other than me.”
At the time, Kanata thought it’d been Nayuta saying those words, but looking back on it, he knew it couldn’t have been. While the illusion came about from the memories and perception Kanata had of his brother, the words spoken could only be construed as something Kanata could have believed Nayuta to say. Not that he truly said it. The words had come from somewhere else.
They continued to echo and gnaw at him until the voice he heard no longer belonged to Nayuta. Slowly, through the sounds of distant cars and back-alley street fights, Kanata found the words laced into his own melody, singing back at him. They were his. They had always been his.
Fuck. That meant–
“Kanata!” Nayuta grabbed him by the hand.
Ice-cold fingers enclosed around Kanata’s wrist, lightly tugging at him; their grip tightening with every pull until he looked at his brother once more. Nayuta’s eyes darted around Kanata’s face as his mouth fumbled for words. With a squeeze to Kanata’s wrist, he barely managed to get out, “What do you mean ‘not you too’?”
“It’s just something yo– the illusion, said to me a while ago,” Kanata admitted, taking Nayuta’s hand into his own. He tried to warm it between his palms before sticking both of their hands inside his jacket pocket. He hated the thought of Nayuta being cold, but it seemed to be the new norm since his return.
Nayuta scooted closer until the two were shoulder-to-shoulder and nearly attached at the hip. Then, after a beat of silence, he nudged Kanata. “What did it say?”
“Something about being happy I found someone other than you,” he huffed out, trying to convince Nayuta of his frustration. But, Nayuta didn’t buy it if his giggle was anything to go by.
“Why is this so funny to you?” Kanata stepped away from him. “What about any of this can make you laugh?” He gestured widely at the decaying buildings around them. “I wanted us to escape this shit-hole so badly that I stole phantometal to keep food in our mouths, I conjured up another version of you to perform alongside me in an idiotic competition, and I nearly died had it not been for Al–”
Kanata’s jaw snapped shut before he could finish the sentence, but Nayuta had already put the pieces together. Kanata could see it written all over his brother’s face. He’d said too much and Nayuta finally had the last thing he needed to complete the puzzle.
“Allen Sugasano,” he whispered. “Suzaku.”
A devious smile crept across Nayuta’s face as he stared Kanata down. With a quick tsk, he crossed his arms. “Who knew you’d grow so much while I was away.” And Kanata swore he saw something sinister flick behind pale violet eyes. “I guess I’ll have to thank this Allen sometime for saving my brother’s life.”
All of the blood drained from Kanata’s face as he stood in fear of what the future encounter might look like. Would Nayuta embarrass him? Would he try to play matchmaker? Or would he remain quiet and let Kanata handle the situation on his own? Whatever the case may be, Kanata knew one thing for certain.
Nayuta would meet Allen.
A few weeks later, Kanata found himself shoulder to shoulder on an uncomfortable pleather sofa with the guy he wished he could have wiped his memory of that night on the rooftop. Of all the people who had attended the music networking party that evening, he had to be sitting next to the obnoxious redhead he desperately wanted to avoid.
Kanata rolled his eyes as Allen took a sip of his drink and laughed along with his band members over the deafening club music. “So annoying , ” Kanata grumbled to himself, crossing his arms. He wished Nayuta would have let them stay home like Kanata had wanted. Instead, he found himself overheating in a much too crowded place, pressed into the phoenix’s side and listening to some bullshit about how the source of his irritation had lost another sleepless night to writing music. Kanata leaned back, quietly stewing as the pitch of their voices grew in volume and the places Allen touched stretched out until the larger man nearly melted into his side. Slowly, the whole thing coalesced until it became too much.
After one particular bump of Allen’s frame against his own, the room flooded red. It hadn’t been significant, a nudge at most, but Kanata had kept his cool for as long as he could.
“Could you fuck off?” He quickly shoved Allen away from him, providing the space he desperately needed from the lively rapper before standing up. “God, you’re annoying sober, but you’re a fucking plight when you’re drunk.”
“Wha–” Allen whipped around, appearing almost hurt when his eyes caught Kanata.
Kanata tsked. Allen’s feelings weren’t his problem, but something about seeing his kicked puppy frown almost made Kanata want to apologize. He hesitated for a split second, debating whether he should when the speakers kicked over to a blaring song and promptly knocked the idea away. His hands balled into fists at his sides as his face twisted in pain at the ear–splitting noise. It was too much. All of it.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” he proclaimed, leaving no room for argument for him to stay. As he turned to walk away, Allen called out to him but Kanata thought he heard Nayuta telling the man to give him some space.
Whatever, Kanata thought, rolling his eyes. It wasn’t like he believed he was going to be able to stop them from talking forever. He just wished that it wasn’t right now. On a Friday night, in a crowded room, at a table filled with their colleagues, all while he angrily stalked to the bathroom.
After bumping his way across the room and into the silent sanctuary, Kanata slammed the door behind him and slid to the ground. He rubbed his hands across his face and into his hairline, tugging at the roots as he lamented aloud about the situation. How the fuck had it come to this?
He leaned his head back against the door as he distantly listened to the music seeping through the cracks. He tried to focus on the vibrations of the subs pulsating against his back in a comforting rhythm while he urged his mind to grow still. His eyes drifted closed in the hope of calming down from the previous overstimulation.
He didn’t want to be there. In fact, he hated it, but Nayuta had practically begged him to go– which Kanata bemoaned, powerless to refuse at the time. He groaned, cursing himself for getting overwhelmed as his mind replayed the final moments at the table. Of course, he’d managed to fuck up any chances of trying to talk to Allen again. No shocker there. He was certainly shit at communication, but damn it, would he ever get better?
He bit at his lip, trying to make sense of his emotions inside the quiet room. He thought back to when the irritation had started. As he stepped through the events of the evening, Kanata believed the initial rub began when Allen had returned from the bar with his third drink in hand.
He recalled how the other man had started slurring his words and getting a bit too affectionate for Kanata’s taste. It had started innocently enough, but as the night dragged on and Allen’s drink ran dry, Kanata found himself more and more aggravated with his boisterous demeanor and carefree touches.
His skin prickled at the memory of Allen hanging all over Anne as the two giggled about something Kanata couldn’t quite hear and how Allen had held Hajun’s hand while proclaiming how much his other bandmate meant to him. Then, Kanata sucked in a deep breath as a knot formed in his throat at the vision of Allen wrapping his arm around Nayuta’s shoulders, pulling his twin tightly against his larger frame, and celebrating the “prodigal son coming home.” Whatever that fucking meant. Finally, after his fourth drink, Allen had sat next to Kanata on that awful couch; immediately knocking knees and leaning a bit too far into the smaller man’s space for his own comfort.
Kanata couldn’t forget how quickly the temperature rose to a sweltering heat after that.
He dropped his arms beside him, letting the backs of his hands brush against the cool tile as he looked up at the brightly lit ceiling. Why were bar bathrooms always so much brighter than the bar itself? Kanata tried to distract himself with pointless questions that didn’t deserve answers instead of letting his mind fester on the tempest that was Allen Sugasano.
Just as Kanata had managed to drown his thoughts in music and Nayuta, a knock reverberated through the door. “Kanata?” A muffled voice called for him on the other side.
Kanata couldn’t make out who the voice belonged to on the other side thanks to the music. But he figured he’d probably been missing long enough and reluctantly stood up to answer it. He assumed it had been Nayuta finally making his way over to check on him. So, when he opened the door to find a scarlet-flushed phoenix on the other side staring at the ground, he couldn’t help the sound that escaped his mouth.
At first, his blood ran cold, but Kanata quickly threw on his mask, trying to feign irritation. “Why the fuck are you here?” He crossed his arms, hoping to appear more convincing.
“Can we talk?” Allen meekly smiled at him, still struggling to make proper eye contact.
“About what? Your obnoxious behavior and lack of self-restraint in both drinking and personal space?”
Allen pathetically laughed at that. “Yeah, I guess so.” He started to play with his jacket sleeve in one hand. “Uh…may I?” He weakly gestured to the bathroom.
Kanata’s nose scrunched at the suggestion. “You really don’t think about what others might infer from that do you?”
Allen’s eyes finally found their way to Kanata’s. A mix of hurt and determination flickered in their maroon hue. Was he really that dense or did he actually just not care? Kanata sighed after a moment and stepped aside to let him through. He didn’t know why he did it or what came over him to convince him that letting Allen in was even remotely a good idea, but Kanata did it anyway. A moment of sheer stupidity, he surmised.
Yet, when the door clicked closed behind him and the blaring music lulled to a low rumble, Kanata found himself relaxing once again–even with Allen in the room with him.
“You have two minutes.” Kanata crossed his arms and leaned against the door. “After that, I’m leaving.”
“I’m sorry.” Allen heaved. “I’m drunk–thoughtless. Too touchy. Not paying attention. Nayuta–Nayu said you don’ like bein’ touche–.” He shook his head a little. “Wasn’t right for me to be in your space li’ dat. Tol’ me to be more mindful of you.”
Kanata quirked an eyebrow at the mention of his brother. He was certain he had heard Nayuta call for Allen when Kanata had first left for the bathroom, but now he wondered what his twin had shared in his absence.
“Anything else my brother told you?”
A sly smile crossed Allen’s lips at the question. He stood up straight as if he was suddenly devoid of all alcohol and sauntered over to Kanata until he could clearly peer down at the shorter man. Then, with a quirk on his lip, Allen scanned Kanata’s face like a predator eyeing his prey, “Nothing I didn’t already suspect.”
Kanata’s face flamed. What did Nayuta tell him?
Allen stood a foot away from Kanata, providing him the space he’d inadvertently asked for but also seemingly giving him too much space at the same time. A war waged in the pit of Kanata’s stomach as his eyes darted across Allen’s face. He couldn’t decide whether he wanted to push the smug rapper away or reach out and drag him closer. What were these feelings ? Why couldn’t he bury them? Why did Allen both infuriate him and make him crave attention at the same time?
Eventually, he shoved the larger man away, sending him stumbling to the floor. Kanata rolled his eyes as Allen collided with the tile. Guess he was still drunk after all.
“Ow,” Allen whined from the floor as he rubbed his ass.
“Stop your bitching,” Kanata bit as he walked over to help him up. “I didn’t even shove you that hard.”
“Maybe, but the room’s spinning.” Allen closed his eyes.
“Tch.” Kanata stuck out his hand, offering to help Allen back to his feet.
“What’s your deal?” Allen brushed the hand away and reached for the edge of the sink to hoist himself up. “You act like you don’t give a shit about me,” he huffed as he leaned against it for support. “But your eyes always say otherwise.”
“You’re drunk and delusional,” Kanata retorted.
“Drunk, yes,” he laughed and Kanata hated the way his heart leapt at the breathy sound. “But delusional?” Half-lidded eyes met Kanata’s. “That one I wouldn’t be so certain of.” Allen’s voice grew dark in a way Kanata had never heard before as velvet coated his words. “Do I need to remind you that I saved you?”
He wasn’t wrong, but Kanata never wanted to admit he was right either; frequently putting the two of them at an impasse. He stared at Allen for a moment, taking in the predatorial aura around him in a wave of hypnosis. Memories of the phantometal overtaking him swam through Kanata’s head until a warm light, blazing like a fire, appeared before him. Allen.
The trance broke the moment Allen shifted to move toward Kanata, causing his hackles to rise again.
“I’m going back to the table,” Kanata blurted out and promptly left Allen alone in the bathroom. He needed to put distance between them as quickly as possible and he needed a strong drink that’d bite and burn him the way he secretly wished Allen would.
Once back at his seat, Kanata waved down a bartender and ordered a whiskey sour with a double shot. The fuck if he knew what the drink even was; all he knew was that the whiskey would burn his throat and turn his mind to fuzz. Both of which he needed— stat.
Just as the bartender walked away, Allen trudged his way back into his chair. He must have sat down a little harder than intended if the way he nearly fell off his seat meant anything. Kanata rolled his eyes and huffed at the pathetic sight. It wasn’t his problem.
“Kana—“
Thankfully, his drink arrived quicker than he’d expected and promptly cut off the red-head. Kanata tilted the glass in thanks before downing it in one go and signaling for the bartender to bring him another. Across the table, Nayuta stared with wide eyes as Kanata wiped his lip on his sleeve with a sneer.
Fuck both of you.
He sat the glass down with a passive-aggressive clink as he stared headlong at his brother. He loved him, but right now, he hated him. Kanata’s blood boiled at the thought of Nayuta divulging Allen’s curiosities in his absence. So what if he’d been the main reason Kanata returned from the brink of phantometal. The asshole still didn’t reserve any right to know him.
“Kanata…” Nayuta softly pleaded, but Kanata shook his head, stopping his brother before he could even get started. He wouldn’t hear it. Right now, if he was lucky, he’d down enough alcohol to drown out the uncomfortable atmosphere around him and send him home stumbling. And if whatever god out there would take mercy on him, maybe he’d black out and forget Allen’s stupid fucking face.
His vision had already started to blur before the second drink hit the table; a good sign in his book. Hopefully, he’d be drunk by the end of the second drink and out by the third. Just as he started running the math through his head, his second round hit the table, still swirling from the alcohol dumped on top. His mouth watered as he swiftly lifted the rim to his lips, but paused as he caught a glimpse of Allen staring at him out of the corner of his eye.
God , when would it end?
***
The room had started spinning hours ago, but Kanata didn’t know the floor would slip out from under him as he stood up from his chair. However, before his knees kissed the carpet, strong arms caught him. Relieved to be spared from more bruises, Kanata rolled his head back to thank whoever grabbed him. He blinked his savior into focus with gratitude already rolling off his tongue when red came into view. Shit.
”You’re welcome.” Allen helped him back to his feet and Kanata wished he would have collapsed instead. He would have shot back some shitty remark, but the alcohol made his tongue feel thick and the whiskey still burnt his throat. Instead, he jerked his arm away and braced himself against the table, trying to steady himself on his own. He’d just lean on Nayuta when they left.
So, he reached out to his brother, hoping for a hand, but before Nayuta could take Kanata’s into his own, Allen’s hands fell to his waist, stabilizing him once again. “Could you fuck off?” He tried to brush Allen off with no bite. He was exhausted; from the alcohol or Allen’s constant doting after they’d returned from the bathroom— it didn’t matter which.
“I’ll catch up with you guys.” He heard Allen say as he watched Anne and Hajun wave their goodbye.
”I already told you, don’ need your help.” Kanata unsuccessfully tried to wiggle away from Allen, but strong hands seared against him as they gripped him tighter.
”Your brother can’t carry your ass home,” Allen chided. “Look at him.” Kanata squinted to see what bullshit Allen was spouting and finally saw Nayuta for what felt like the first time that evening. As his eyes scanned over his brother he took in how small Nayuta’s arms looked, how his knees seemed to tremble under his weight, and how loose his jacket hung around his waist. When had—? Of course… Kanata deflated at the memory.
Nayuta had been in the hospital for the better part of a year. How had Kanata forgotten? He’d lost so much during that time that Kanata barely recognized him at first and it’d only been about a month since he’d been released. Biting back his grief, Kanata sagged against Allen accepting the truth for what it was: Nayuta didn’t have the strength to carry him home.
Defeated, Kanata sighed, “Fine.”
With a nod, Allen walked around him and slightly squatted. “Get on.”
“‘Scuse me?” Kanata tried to cross his arms, but nearly lost balance and grabbed the table again.
Allen rolled his head, “Just get on.”
”Please?” Nayuta gently added, and how could Kanata tell him no?
He rolled his eyes, frustrated but cornered and climbed onto Allen’s back. Kanata blushed when warm hands scooped him up to hold him firm against the larger frame and he hated how his arms instinctually wrapped their way around Allen’s neck, pulling him ever closer. Something about it sounded off sirens in Kanata’s head, echoing the words: too intimate.
“Ready to go?” Allen’s voice rumbled against his chest and Kanata tried not to sink into the comfort of it.
”Yeah.” Nayuta replied from somewhere ahead of them. Kanata’s eyes had already started to slip shut, pulling him into the warmth of the body that carried him home.
***
Kanata slowly blinked awake under the glow of incandescent lights. Where were they? He and Nayuta lived in an abandoned area that had been devoid of all forms of comfort for years— electricity included. Slowly, he noticed something tickling his nose and his chest was still pressed against a solid surface. Then, he vaguely felt his thigh being squeezed.
”Awake now?” He heard a familiar voice ask him too softly and all he could do was grunt in response as he buried his face into soft hair and fabric.
“Allen offered us a place tonight,” Nayuta rubbed his hand against Kanata’s back in a soothing gesture.
Of course he had. Of course, Allen Sugasano took pity on them and offered them soft sheets and hot water for a night. Of course he’d provided them the things they couldn’t get themselves. Of course he’d brought them to BAE’s apartment like two stray cats that needed a bowl of milk. They were nothing more than a boost to his samaritanism.
“Here.” Kanata felt Allen dig through his pocket to hand something to Nayuta. “Feel free to use the bathroom first, it’s down the hall to the left…” The front door creaked open. “I’ll take care of him.”
“Thanks,” he thought he heard Nayuta say before they followed him inside.
As the door closed behind them, Kanata felt the world plummet into darkness and he heard the faint sound of footsteps padding away. Damn it, Nayuta really left him alone with this guy.
”Hey.” Allen nudged him as he carried Kanata down the hallway. “I’m gonna lay you down and grab you some water.”
”Don’ need it,” he grumbled into Allen’s shoulder but got no response.
Allen’s hand left him as a door cracked open and Kanata was deposited on a bed shortly after. “I’ll be right back,” Allen whispered to him. Why did he have to be so close? Why was he wasting his time, his efforts on him? Why did Kanata have the disgusting feeling that Allen actually cared?
He rolled over, bemoaning the situation and begging the demon that gave a shit to crawl back into the pit it came from. He didn’t like - couldn’t - like Suzaku. He didn’t need anyone and nobody wanted him. Just Nayuta, only Nayuta.
“What are you talking about?” Kanata rolled over to find Allen frozen in the doorway with a glass of water in hand. Wide eyes stared at him and if Kanata actually believed Allen cared, he might have sworn the man looked hurt. But that was a pipe dream. A good joke on a bad day. Yet, Allen crossed the threshold and knelt beside the bed as if feigning concern.
“Fuck off,” Kanata dragged out the second word as he turned away from Allen. He couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at those big red eyes as they inevitably searched his face like they sought an answer regarding his well-being. He wouldn’t feed the delusion.
“Do you really believe I don’t give a shit?” The mattress dipped as Allen sat down on the bed.
“Why would you?” Kanata curled in on himself.
Allen sighed. “God, your brother was right…”
He sobered up real quick at that. He sat up so fast he nearly fell off the bed and demanded, “The fuck did my bother say?”
“Nothing bad!” Allen waved his hands in a placating motion. “He just…He said you don’t exactly let people in. That you struggle to see your worth.”
“Bastard,” Kanata bit under his breath.
Allen’s voice dropped to an unsettlingly soft volume as he continued. His eyes darted around the room, trying to look anywhere except at Kanata. “He also mentioned that you’ve seemed…well… fond of me. In your own kind of way.”
So, Nayuta had told him. That cheeky asshole. Kanata would have a talk with him about it later. For now, he needed to find a way out of this mess. “Nayuta thinks he knows things…” He tried to placate, but what Allen said next made Kanta’s blood run cold.
“You called my name in your sleep on our way here…” Allen looked down as his thumbs rolled over themselves in a nervous circle and his voice barely spoke louder than a whisper, “And you asked me not to leave.”
Fuck. No. No. How? Kanata backed away from him instinctually, but Allen followed him. “It’s fine! I promise.” He tried to reach out but Kanata smacked his hand away. “I get it, you’re scared.” He drew his legs up onto the bed until he was sitting with his knees tucked under him. “I know it’s just been you and your brother.”
“You don’t know shit ,” he spat with venom. “How would someone who has the world at their feet even possibly have an idea–”
“Because I’ve lost things too!”
“Like what? A new pair of sneakers?” Kanata bit back.
“Like family, you jackass!”
Kanata’s eyes widened as Allen puffed, trying to steady his breathing. “You may be right that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but you’re dead wrong about my status.” His voice began to waver as he continued. “My parents don’t recognize me. I am unwelcome in my own childhood home. If Hajun hadn’t taken me in…” Kanata sat stunned as he witnessed tears form at the corners of Allen’s eyes. “I’d be no different than you.”
How…? What? His voice caught in his throat as his brain tried to decide on what words to form. He’d misjudged Allen?
”And I’m not the only one.” He turned over, looking Kanata directly in the eyes. “Hajun was disowned and Anne cannot return home as is.” Finally, a tear slipped down his cheek, painting his face in a way that made Kanata’s chest ache. “Just because we look well-off doesn’t mean our lives are perfect.” Another one slipped and Kanata nearly reached out to catch it.
”I give a shit about you because I was lucky enough to have someone give a shit about me.”
Unable to utter a sound, Kanata watched as Allen wiped his eyes and reached out to grab one of Kanata’s hands. Calloused fingers wrapped themselves around his own and the swell in his chest grew until it felt like he was suffocating. The gentle way Allen took Kanata’s hand prompted tears to form at the corners of his eyes. As the place behind Kanata’s nose burned at the gesture, he struggled to understand what emotion curled inside of him.
Then, one little squeeze and a desperate plea– “Please, let me care about you.” --had the wells shaking loose.
”Shhh,” Allen cooed as he brushed away Kanata’s silent tears. “I’m here.”
Why? Why did he care so much? Why did he waste time on Kanata? It was all too overwhelming and Kanata collapsed against his chest, gripping at his shirt and crying. Without a word, Allen scooped him up and held Kanata against his chest as he released all of the tears he’d held inside for far too long.
His tears for Nayuta. His tears for his loneliness. His tears for believing he deserved to be abandoned. His tears over the stress he endured on his brother’s behalf. His tears over nearly giving up and dying… Kanata had buried it all, only for it to overflow and pour out of him in front of none other than his savior; the man Kanata held feelings for that he wished would go away.
He hiccuped against Allen’s chest as the tears subsided. A hand brushed through his hair and Kanata wondered if it’d been petting him the whole time. He wanted to hate the gesture. He wanted to tell Allen to quit and act like Kanata meant nothing, but he buried his head even deeper into his chest instead. He chased the warmth, the care, the touch Allen freely gave; too weak to fight against it any longer. Tightly gripping the shirt in his hands, Kanata whispered, “Why?”
To which, Allen placed a finger under his chin, coaxing Kanata to look up at him and smiled, “Because I want to.”
A quiet moment passed between them as Kanata gazed into soft red eyes, unable to look away. His heart fluttered wildly in his chest in anticipation of something he couldn’t name, but, under his palm, Allen’s beat the same.
“In the bathroom earlier…” Allen started. “I’m sorry. I should have…” And Kanata felt the heartbeat under his palm begin to beat exponentially faster. “I just—” He bit his lip and tore his eyes away from Kanata. Then, through a taut voice, he admitted, “I wanted to kiss you.”
The room began to spin again. Allen wanted to kiss him? Something bloomed in his chest at the thought of it and Kanata didn’t know what to make of it. Did he want that too? The rolling in his gut left him unsure, but the moment Allen’s eyes caught his in the dark room something carnal clicked into place. He wanted it too.
“Do you still want to?” The words came out breathier and more pathetic than he anticipated. Was that really his voice? But before he could linger on it any further, Allen’s hands slid up, pulling him flush against his chest.
”Of course,” he sighed, ghosting the words across Kanata’s lips.
He could almost taste the essence that was Allen and suddenly, he felt drunk all over again. Tugging on Allen’s shirt, he mumbled, “Then do it, you coward.”
Grinning from ear to ear, Allen cupped Kanata’s jaw with one hand and drew him closer until their lips barely touched. His eyes flicked down to Kanata’s lips as he drew in a deep breath and closed the remaining distance.
Kissing Allen was unlike anything Kanata had ever experienced before. He’d kissed the cool steel of phantometal countless times, but nothing could have prepared him for this. He knew the mechanics of what to do, but being held in Allen’s arms while warm and soft lips pressed themselves wantonly against his own had Kanata melting in ways he never knew possible.
It was foreign the way Allen pulled Kanata closer to him like he couldn’t get enough. He tugged and nipped and moaned as he drug Kanata down onto the mattress and hovered above him. He ran his hand across Kanata’s jaw, through his hair, and down his sides and each sensation left Kanata more breathless than the last.
As Allen became more bold, so did he. He reached up to tangle his fingers in soft hair, urging the phoenix's kisses deeper and fuller as he settled against the mattress. He kissed Allen with the same fervor as if he were drowning and he was Kanata’s only source of air. Why had he refused to admit this for so long?
Maybe Nayuta had been right, but like hell if Kanata would ever admit that. For now, he’d enjoy the burning heat radiating off of the man above him and indulge in the elation of the company of another. He never imagined anyone would give a damn, but maybe - just maybe - Allen actually did.
The way he kissed Kanata within an inch of his life might just be the tell-tale sign that Allen Sugasano actually does give a shit.