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In the small town of South Park, Colorado, where everyone knew everyone, there was always a story to tell. The game would go like this.
There was a war between two kingdoms, or two sides of the neighbourhood, both fighting over the responsibility of a royal child having been stolen from the throne. The Great Wizard, who was an arrogant fat turd, with the Princess at his side would declare war on the High Elf King.
The King would deny any responsibility and would try to sway the Princess to prevent a bloody war, but she would deny, forcing the King to rally his lead ranger, Marshwalker to gather the troops and move onward to battle. This story would take place every day after school, in between class, during recess, lunch, and if the four of them were free, on the weekend.
Though nobody could confirm who started the fantasy game no matter how badly Cartman claims to have during the console wars, any kid could tell you at least one story from their late elementary school years. Stories ranged from incidental wars, betrayals and tales of love; while the overactive imagination types would tell you stories of magical farts to alien abductions with Taco Bell green sauce that turned you into an evil nazi zombie.
As the four main players grew older, the game quickly expanded around their 5th grade year. The Great Wizard and Marshwalker proposed a wedding for the King and the rightful Princess of the throne, in attempts of uniting the kingdoms and ending the war for good, as 2 and a half months of playing the same game had become boring and ravaged by repeating plot lines.
Powers between ranks were uncontrollable, which led to the Great Battle of Stark’s Pond, where a bloody battle of power scaling had taken place. Rules were created and changed during battle, arguments of civilians, thieves, and royal ranking whined to Marshwalker, who had become the High King Elf’s right hand in various battles.
The four boys had agreed to meet at the town centre, where many gathered for their daily shoppings lists, or where mothers of the village would gather to gossip. But the King and Princess tired of the same discussions their closest confidants seemed to obsess over, so they agreed to meet in the alley that led to the brothel a few minutes early, only wishing to see each other.
“Princess Kenny, it has been a while since I’ve seen you,” the king teased, softly poking her in the side, allowing a melodic giggle to escape her.
“Yes, it’s been 3 hours since recess your highness,” the blond Princess responded in a horribly sounding posh accent, “Impossible to withstand, especially with sire Garrison’s lecture,” The two erupted in laughter, leaning on each other for support.
“You are quite joyous, Princess,” The King eventually said after catching his breath.
“Why wouldn’t I be your highness,” she sarcastically asked, raising her eyebrow in curiosity, “Are we not on the eve of a wedding?”
There was an uncomfortable silence that settled between the two, causing their hazel and blue eyes to avoid one another.
The wedding had been an intense subject between the four. The Elf King had some objections to the wedding, for reasons he would not specify, which only pissed Cartman off. Princess Kenny had become offended at the Wizard’s kitchen comment when she questioned why she needed to be married, as it made no sense for the game to do again. Ranger Marshwalker had lost any opinion on the situation, as the local posse of valkyries rumored that Lady Testaburger, left him for Tolkien the Cleric again.
When the group couldn't reach a decision, the Wizard threatened ending the game in favor of video games at home, prompting the meeting at the center.
“You say nothing, your highness,” Princess Kenny scornfully said, looking in the ginger's direction. He was nibbling the insides of his lips as he returned eye contact with the Princess, but it was clear to her he was lost in thought.
“If you do not wish to marry me, that is fine, as I do not wish to marry you either,” the Princess plainly stated, the candor of the comment pulling the King out of thought.
“You do not wish to marry me?” The King repeated, putting emphasis on the last word. “And why is that?” He chuckled, raising an eyebrow in amusement.
“Excuse my bluntness your highness,” Kenny said looking at Kyle bitterly, “But it is obvious you long for someone that is not me, and I refuse to be your second choice.”
The King sat in a beat of silence before laughter escaped his body. The Princess looked at him in bewilderment as his laughter grew more boisterous as time passed.
“Am I missing something, your highness?” Princess Kenny questioned hardily, as the King calmed down from his fit of laughter.
“Yes Princess,” he said, wiping a tear from his eye, “I am more worried about what my ranger has gotten himself into, as you know the Wizard has many tricks up his sleeve.”
Kenny sat in silence, as the King curiously observed her features. Her blue eyes glowed in the sunlight, as the sun seemingly warmed up her soft brown freckles that littered her face. Maybe it was her childlike demeanor or her crude attitude, but he was unusually enchanted by the Princess, as she was quite entertaining.
“I feel as though you are fibbing your Highness,” Princess Kenny finally spoke up, cocking her eyebrow in curiosity.
“Do trust I am telling the truth darling Princess,” he said, offering his arm, while giving a mischievous smile. “As I do understand, it’s getting closer to our-”
“Yes, yes I understand,” she interrupted, rolling her eyes, looping her arm with his.
“I am absolutely dreading having to listen to fatass,” the Princess lamented as a bark of laughter escaped the king, “I mean- the Great Wizard’s, whining. It’s gotten quite awful lately,” the Princess lacklusterly said as they approached the town’s fountain.
“I heard it’s because Warrior Donovan and Ranger Malkinson power scaled him so hard he went home mid fight,” the King sarcastically gossiped. It was the Princess’ turn to giggle as the King softly chuckled, the two so lost in their own company, they were completely unaware that the wizard and the ranger had arrived.
It was a nice Friday afternoon in the middle of fall, the clouds in the light blue sky calmly floated above the four boys. Brown, red, yellow, and lime green leaves landed within the fountain and skittered quickly across the tiled ground.
The scene before the two right hands was picturesque as the sun beat down on both the blond and ginger's hair, illuminating and framing their smiles, setting the perfect scene, at least in the wizard’s mind, a perfect wedding.
“Ah, glad to see our groom and bride in the best of moods,” the wizard confidently says with a teasing smile, nodding toward the king and Princess.
“I agree,” the ranger teasingly responded, giving a mischievous grin toward the king.
“I swear your highness is blushing right now, Cartman,” causing the Princess to laugh harder as the King abruptly stopped walking.
“Ahh yes, I see a bit of pink on Princess Kenny’s face too,” the wizard egged on, prompting the Princess’ laughter to die down.
“Fuck you fatass,” Kyle replied rolling his eyes. “Kenny and I don’t even want to do this stupid wedding thing, right Kenny?” the hazel eyed boy said looking at the blue eyed child before him. Kenny hesitates as Cartman interjects.
“What the hell are you talking about Kyle?! Stan said that you-”
Stan quickly elbowed the chubby boy, hissing a shush, as Kyle’s face grew red.
“Stan?! You promised!” Kyle whined, looking at the raven haired boy in annoyance.
“Dude he TOLD Wendy about me looking at Sofie Miller’s boobs during lunch time!” Stan protested scratching the back of his neck.
“Dude! Weak! Is that why she left you for Tolkien?? What is it with you and looking at-"
“What is Cartman talking about?” Kenny interjected looking at the other 3 in bewilderment.
“What are you guys talking about??” The blond child repeated, his initial look of shock quickly turning into suspicion.
Cartman awkwardly cleared his throat and faced the blond one.
“We’re only here to continue on with the plan,” the Wizard sarcastically responded, rolling his eyes. Kyle’s eyes narrowed at the chubby boy.
“Fatass, why are we here,” he growled watching Cartman refuse to respond.
“Well, my King,” the Ranger spoke up, “It is time for the ceremony,” nervously looking between the two.
“Ceremony? What ceremony,” Princess Kenny objected, fiercely looking at the wizard.
“Haha, you see Princess,” the Wizard flatly explained, “Since Marshwalker informed me of you two’s struggle about the wedding, and we decided that it was best to marry you off and worry about the consequences later,” the chubby boy quickly explained before abruptly clearing his throat.
“WHAT?!” The two royal figures yelled in confusion.
“I would like to clarify, there was no we, and I was blackmailed into this,” Stan objected, not wanting to take any blame for the current situation that was unfolding.
“Marshwalker, you fucking asshole, I’m gonna get you back for this,” the elf said angrily, looking at his ranger awkwardly scratch the back of his neck.
“Sorry dude, it was like, for the better of the kingdom or whatever,” the raven haired ranger replied.
“How crude for a man to decide a woman’s fate,” the Princess huffed, rolling her eyes. “I refuse to marry this oaf elf king and declare as the last ogre from my kingdom, war upon you all,” she dramatically said, casting an eye of disdain toward the three boys.
“Ha! Like you have a choice Kinny,” the Wizard teased, snapping his fingers.
A hoard of drow elves and various rangers from the Kupa Keep Kingdom suddenly surrounded them.
“I totally like, assembled the entirety of both Kingdoms and betrayed your trust, KYLE!” The Wizard said, pointing his staff toward the king.
“Now, Feldspar! INITIATE!” the chubby boy yelled.
Before either royal authority had time to act, a flood of pink coneflowers showered around them, with Valkyries appearing from nowhere, and ambushing the Princess and King. They held brushes, combs and flowers alike, as they ransacked the pair with various fabrics and makeup powders. Various elves set up a makeshift pew for the two to stand on, as the rangers all formed a protective barricade in front of it, as various citizens made their way near the fountain.
When the Valkyries and Elves finally finished, the royal pair, and town center looked nothing like it did before. There was a picture perfect altar and pew, with a chupa, the poles were decorated with coneflowers, goldenrods and purple poppy mallows . The Great Wizard had changed into a white cloak with golden etchings flowing through the fabric, and as Ranger Marshwalker stood in white armor, both on each side of the altar.
Before them were seats made out of wooden vine-like material, as though they had been crafted weeks in advance, perfectly aligned behind the pew, filled with various citizens, mages, and barbarians from both kingdoms.
Feldspar, the well known thief, stood behind the altar, holding a green journal that looked to be made out of leaves, with David’s star made perfectly out of small sticks.
The Princess had been transformed into a beautiful bride, her once horribly placed wig, was styled nicely into one big braid with various flowers, standing in somebody’s perfectly white church dress, while holding a bouquet of black eyed Susan’s.
The King had been forced into a black robe, with etchings of gold and blue running through the cloth, with a white drape hanging off his shoulders. He still wore his green ushanka and wooden crown, and the girls had placed small pink flowers on its brim, to make it ‘pretty.’
The two children revered in each other's presence, momentarily forgetting the bizarreness of the situation, as the crowd gathered around this makeshift wedding.
There were children, all dressed in various fantasy outfits, walking down a poorly made red carpet, stunting awkward poses for the paparazzi. The paparazzi were elves holding their cellphones, some capturing various outfits, and scenery but most importantly the ceremony.
“Craig,” Kyle said through clenched teeth, “What the hell is going on.”
Craig only glanced up from reading the journal he held, closing it, instinctively picking his nose.
“My name’s not Craig. It’s Feldspar,” Feldspar said in a monotone voice.
“Well my King,” Princess Kenny chimed in, “It looks like we are in a wedding,” she sarcastically responded as a bell rang, signaling the beginning of the event. Children and adults alike gathered around the pretend wedding, drawing more attention than intended.
“My Princess,” the King sarcastically responded, “I am somewhat aware of that,” he finished rolling his eyes.
“SHHHH!”
This sound came from the one and only Paladin Butters. He was standing in front of the altar holding a megaphone that had the name Eric Cartman clearly written on it. The 3 of them looked at Butters in annoyance, as the blond boy sheepishly smiled.
“The ceremony is beginning,” he cheerily said, walking off with a smirk on his face.
“That little,” Kyle mumbled, watching a line of 4 elves lined up on each side of the fountain holding Alexa’s in hand.
“Alexa,” Feldspar said, his eyes now trained on the opened journal, activating the devices. “Play the YMCA,” he commanded awkwardly, causing a small silence before the device answered.
“YMCA by Village People now playing,” the digital servant finally responded, after the second hand embarrassment had finally settled. “Oh god,” Kyle groaned, pinching his bridge, as the unsynced Alexa’s started playing.
There was a snorting giggle that drew Kyle back into the moment, his eyes meeting crinkled blue eyes, with a mischievous glint in them. That alone comforted the boy as the crowd began doing the dance.
By the time that nightmare of a bridal chorus ended, it was finally time for the big moment. The audience before the five boys and rows of elven guards muttered with excitement as Feldspar began to speak.
“We gather here in the name of the great Land of Zaron, to unite the Drow Elves with The Kingdom of Kupa in order to end this dreadful war,” a roar of cheers and arguments erupted from the crowd, followed with flashes from phones, as the thief raised his hands attempting to calm the crowd.
Though the wave of noise did not completely die down, Feldspar continued, “Now, the royal King and soon-to-be Queen shall read a prepared speech.”
Kenny watched as the usually confident and brash Kyle, turned pale with anger as Craig handed the both of them pieces of paper to read.
“I am not reading Cartman’s fanfiction in front of these people,” Kyle said, clenching the parchment in his hand, knuckles going visibly red, giving Craig the death stare. (It would’ve sent chills down Kenny’s spine, if he hadn’t looked Death in the eye so many times.)
“I don't know what you want me to do,” Craig monotonously responded, as Stan rushed to Kyle’s side and held him back.
“You’re such a fucking asshole ‘Feldspar’,” he angrily responded struggling against Stan’s grasp.
“Oh yea?” Craig mockingly said, leaning into the redhead's face.
“Yea!” Kyle yelled, as Stan and some elven guards attempted to intervene.
“Ahem,” a horribly posh sounding voice rang out, pulling attention away from the scene unfolding before the crowd.
“My dearest King,” soon-to-be Queen Kenny exaggeratedly proclaimed, reaching her arm out as she spoke, “You are the centre of my passion,” dropping her hand to her chest. “The one that I live for.”
Kyle and the majority of the boys, excluding the chubby boy who was laughing his head off, looked at Kenny in confusion, as she continued on. “It is you that I desire, I have always admired you,” Kenny said, looking at Kyle. It was a look of encouragement to go along with the moment, and not to worry what others thought, even if it was horribly embarrassing.
“I love you forever my King, and I take your hand in marriage, in the name of Zarkon,” she finished extending her hand in front of Kyle, expectantly awaiting a response.
“I DIDN’T EVEN WRITE THAT PART!” Cartman laughed, as the colour slowly returned to Kyle’s face.
The King shook his Ranger off of his shoulder and pushed the thief away in the face, crumbling the paper and tossing it aside. “I’m not reading that,” Kyle teased, taking the Princess’ hand on his own.
“Ken,” the King said, looking the other seriously in the eye. “You are a douchebag, but you’re my douchebag,” he teased, trying not to giggle at the offense the crowd took to the statement.
“Our kingdom will be the douchiest of them all,” he finished, bowing his head, and lightly kissed her hand. The crowd erupted in cheers from the show they had received, as Feldspar resumed his position on the pew. “I now pronounce you King and Queen of-”
“ATTACK!!” a scratchy voice called out from the crowd.
It was no one other than Tweek the Barbarian and his band of misfits, wielding weapons and charging the altar. Elves, warriors and thieves alike leaped into united action against the attack, swearing off their allegiance to the new kingdom.
Ranger Marshwalker guided the “newlywed” royal couple down the altar, clearing a pathway by running, so they could flee. “Head to my house,” the ranger yelled, punching some enemies, “I’ll stay back here!”
“How much do you wanna bet fatass planned this?” Kyle asked, dodging a water balloon filled with pee. Kenny only smiled as the two of them ran, “Eh,” she replied, scrunching her nose.
“It’s only pretend.”