Chapter Text
Jäger: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited
Anya: If?
Ivushkin: Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and he might not even die.
Ivushkin, to Jäger: My life is in the hands of an idiot!
Jäger, motioning to himself and Thielicke: No no no no no, TWO idiots!
Ivushkin: Don’t worry, I have a few shells up my sleeve.
Stepan: I think you mean cards.
Ivushkin, pulling tank shells out of his sleeves: No, I do not.
Anya: You love me, right, Nikolay?
Ivushkin: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.
Ivushkin: *Screams*
Jäger: *Screams louder to establish dominance*
Thielicke: Should we do something?
Anya: No, I want to see who wins.
Jäger: Okay, truth or dare?
Ivushkin: Truth
Jäger: How many hours have you slept this week?
Ivushkin:
Ivushkin: ...Dare
Jäger: Go to bed.
Ivushkin: I don’t like this game.
Wolf: Please, I'm begging you go to a doctor.
Jäger: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.
Ivushkin: Nothing in life is free.
Anya: Love is free!
Wolf: Adventure is free.
Thielicke: Knowledge is free.
Jäger: Everything is free if you take it without paying.
Thielicke: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?
Grimm: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.
Thielicke: Three of us saw it, Walter. How do you explain that?
Grimm: *points at Ivushkin* Sleep deprivation. *points at Anya* Paranoia. *points at Jäger* Delusional personality disorder.
Thielicke: Anyone d-
Ivushkin: Depressed?
Jäger: Drained?
Anya: Dumb?
Grimm: Disliked?
Thielicke: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people ...
Thielicke: Nikolay Ivushkin... How do I begin to explain him?
Anya: Nikolay is flawless.
Volchok: I hear his hair's insured for $10,000.
Stepan: I hear he does car (tank?) commercials... in Japan.
Jäger: One time he punched me in the face... it was awesome.
'Can I copy the homework?'
Anya: I can help you with it!
Ivushkin: Yeah, sure.
Volchok: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.
Stepan: lol nope.
Wolf: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!
Jäger: *Read 5:55pm*
Stepan: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Ivushkin: >:O language
Anya: Yeah watch your fucking language
Jäger: OKAY WHO TAUGHT ANYA THE FUCK WORD?
Wolf: 'The fuck word'.
Thielicke: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Anya: Oh my god he censored it
Ivushkin: Say fuck, Thielicke.
Anya: Do it, Thielicke. Say fuck.
Anya: Hewwo.
Stepan: Hihiiiiii!
Thielicke: Greetings, Humans.
Ivushkin: Three kinds of people.
Jäger: I want pudding.
Ivushkin: Four kinds of people.
Wolf: WHAT’S UP FUCKERS?
Ivushkin: Five kinds of people.
Ivushkin: We need to distract these guys
Volchok: Leave it to me
Volchok: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Jäger, Thielicke, and Grimm: *Immediately begin arguing*
Anya, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.
*Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*
Volchok: Thanks fam!
Ivushkin: oh no
Anya: *cries* I love you too
Grimm: Sounds fake but okay
Thielicke: *A flustered mess*
Jäger: can i get a refund
Jäger: Well, aren’t you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you’re out to save the world!
Ionov: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.
Stepan: More or less, I guess...
Volchok: That sounds awesome! Let’s do that!
Anya: I’m new here, but I am open to the concept.
Ivushkin: I thought that’s what we were doing, guys, come on!
[The group is a prison cell that was just hit by an earthquake]
Ivushkin: Uh, I'm gonna roll a perception check of... 4, and see if our cell is, uh, in any way damaged by this quake
Wolf: You're in a prison cell :)
Jäger: You did great. Well, I got a 10-
Wolf: You're in a prison cell with bars on it :3
Thielicke: I got a 1!
Wolf: You're in... a cube-shaped place.
Ivushkin: Self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys.
Anya: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap!
Jäger: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you!! Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists!! Self care is the fear in your enemies’ eyes!!!
Wolf: Lmao self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting.
Jäger: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.
Ivushkin: Am I going too far?
Grimm: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.
Jäger, pointing: May I sit there?
Ivushkin: That's my lap
Jäger: That doesn't answer my question, Nikolay.
Thielicke: WHAT’S YOUR TYPE
Jäger: Anything, honestly, but nerds especially
Thielicke, desperately, as Jäger bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE
Jäger: Oh! B positive.
Thielicke: DONT TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE
Jäger:
Anya: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.
Stepan: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.
Thielicke: This is such a bad idea.
Jäger: Then why are you coming along?
Thielicke: One of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.
Anya: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Ivushkin: You need to stop.
Jäger: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives
Ivushkin: I wake up at 4:30 AM
Jäger:
Jäger: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives
Ivushkin, going over Volchok's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you’re creative.
Volchok: Yes
Ivushkin: Okay... may I know what you create?
Volchok: Problems.
Anya, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me
Jäger, pointing at her and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.
Stepan: This is a mistake
Ivushkin, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!
Stepan: But not today
Ivushkin, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess
Jäger: I can explain.
Grimm: Can you?
Jäger: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.
Stepan: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?
Ivushkin: I'm a knife.
Jäger, from across the room: He's the little spoon.
Ivushkin: What do you think Volchok will do for a distraction?
Ionov: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.
*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*
Stepan: ... or he could do that.
Jäger: Hey Thielicke,
Thielicke: Yes?
Jäger: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Thielicke:
Thielicke: Where’s Grimm?