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“Onii-san…?”
Rinne stumbled over the welcome mat. He was surprised that Niki was still up this late; the kid was usually asleep well before midnight. Rinne clutched his arm to his chest self-consciously as he made eye contact.
Niki was unusually pale, and he looked exhausted. Upon processing that it was, in fact, Rinne who had come in, a smile lit up his face and he ran forward to pull Rinne into a hug. Little arms around his waist, head against his chest. Niki's body relaxed against his.
“Oh, thank God… I was praying really hard for you to come home… I was so scared that something bad had happened to you onii-san!” Niki shook as he spoke, though it was obvious he was trying to keep it together.
Home, huh…
“...have you eaten?” Rinne's voice didn't come out as steady as he would have liked. Niki shook his head timidly, and glanced over at a pot of water he'd put on the stove.
“Not since… um… not since you left…” Niki swayed a little, as though his body finally remembered through the excitement that it was on the verge of collapse.
“Niki! That was almost forty-eight hours ago!” Rinne growled, forgoing his arm to shake Niki by the shoulders with both hands. “The hell’s wrong with you? What if you'd died, huh?!”
Niki winced, looking down and frowning apologetically.
“I-I just… whenever I tried to eat, I got too worried about onii-san! I thought, what if onii-san doesn't have anything to eat? That's the worst fate in the world…” Niki muttered. His eyes shone like a sad shelter dog alone on Christmas morning. “I want onii-san to eat my cooking until he's satisfied. So, eating by myself when onii-san is hungry… that would be selfish, you know?”
“Ya need food to live, dipshit!” Rinne ran a hand through his hair with a gruff sigh. “If I hadn't come back, would ya've just starved?"
“But you did come back!” Niki's bright smile killed the growl of frustration growing in Rinne’s throat before it even had the chance to escape. He nuzzled his tiny chin against Rinne's chest and looked up at him with enormous blue eyes.
“You're an idiot.” Rinne remarked, laying a hand against the small of Niki's back. Niki purred out a laugh and drew back to take Rinne's free hand in his with a big smile.
“Good thing I've got onii-san around, then!” Rinne's eyes narrowed with fondness, but widened a mere second later when he felt Niki's little hands close around his forearm.
“Ah? Ah! You got into a fight!?” Niki whined and ran his hands gently over the ridges of the cuts lining Rinne's arm that had gone unnoticed by the younger boy until now. Rinne scoffed and his expression quickly darkened, a distinct stiffness overtaking his ragged frame.
“What, is it funny to you?” He pulled his arm back to his chest defensively, eyes sharp. “I get it, ‘kay? So stay the fuck out of it.”
Niki jolted back in surprise, hands clutching at his own nightshirt with obvious anxiety. His signs of hunger were returning—or maybe the trembling was from fear. Good. It would be better for the both of them that Niki not get too close, despite the way they were now bound to each other. Rinne wasn't built for intimacy; this he knew well.
“Jus’ leave me alone. Go back to bed. I can take care of myself.” Rinne moved to push past Niki, but was quickly forced to a halt as the other boy came to his senses and shoved Rinne back with both hands.
“No! I-I wouldn't think onii-san was weak o-or… or stupid, for getting into a fight! I'm just so worried… please let me help…” Niki's voice shook as much as his body did while he struggled to choke out the words. He was clearly on the verge of tears, and Rinne felt a pang in his chest despite himself.
“I don't need your damn pity. And quit callin’ it that, like ya don't know exactly what this is.” Rinne sneered and tried to push past him again. The hunger-stricken, half-asleep fourteen year old was proving surprisingly strong in his stubbornness.
“What are you talking about!! Onii-san, if I did something wrong, I-I don't get it…?” Niki rubbed incessantly at his eyes with one sleeve, and Rinne clenched his hand into a fist as the guilt returned in waves.
“You're mockin’ me. We both know I did this to myself, so just fuckin' drop it, okay?!” His voice came out as a frustrated yell and he waved his injured arm in Niki's face, finally abandoning his dancing around the topic in question. Niki's face screwed up in confusion. “I get it! I know it's stupid and childish! I know!”
“You… what?” Niki's voice dropped, and his hands went back to Rinne's arm to examine the wounds. His eyebrows were furrowed, and a big pout had overtaken his features. “...why?”
Rinne's mind reeled at the abrupt realization that of course this stupid kid wasn't making fun of him.
Why would he? Niki, of all people, who'd probably never even known someone who self-harmed on account of being a junior highschool student and somehow wildly sheltered despite having industry-famous parents? Niki, who'd shown him nothing but kindness since the day they'd met?
He suddenly felt like an absolute idiot on top of being the world's biggest asshole.
Niki's small fingers ran over the cuts, eyes swimming in watercolor shades of blue with curiosity, concern and something else that Rinne couldn't put a finger on.
How was he supposed to explain cutting himself to a little boy, much less justify it? If he'd only returned an hour or two later than now in hopes that Niki had passed out from hunger. He felt guilty even thinking it, but it didn't quell the selfish desire to continue to hide his own self-destructive habits as he collected them like fucking trading cards.
“Didn't it hurt?” Niki spoke suddenly, breaking the silence. Rinne paused to regain control of his expression, and wore only a small frown as he looked up to respond.
“Um… yeah. That's, um, that's why I d-did it, y'know?” Of course he'd fucking stutter. He was hungover and in what was probably one of the lowest states he'd been in since leaving his godforsaken village. God, there goes any hope of getting out of this stupid situation with even a shred of dignity intact. His head throbbed with the beginnings of a migraine.
“Oh, I didn't realize…” Niki's voice was soft. He picked some of the dried blood with his nail. “So, it's good when it hurts? Do you like it?”
Rinne's frown morphed from one of self-recrimination into something bordering on weariness. What the hell was this reaction?
“Uh, I don't know. What kind of question is that?” He didn't mean to snap, but it seemed to come out that way anyways. Niki winced slightly but didn't let go of Rinne's arm, much to his growing confusion.
“S-sorry, I was just wondering… I haven't seen this kind of thing, so I…” Niki paused, seeming to consider his next words. It was longer than Rinne would have liked to wait, but he did so anyway out of baffled curiosity. “I guess I'm just, I dunno… I thought if onii-san was doing it, it must be because it felt good somehow?”
Rinne blinked.
“B-because, y'know, onii-san likes to do things that feel good right? That's what you told me about the other things that you do, so I just thought…” Niki's voice trailed off self-consciously, and even in the dark, Rinne could see a faint blush coloring his cheeks. He cleared his throat in a similar state of embarrassment.
“I guess it kind of does. It helps me, um, relax… somehow. I can't really explain it.” He mumbled, sounding awkward even to his own ears. He cringed at the pathetic excuse. He wasn't exactly prepared for a situation in which he had to explain his own neurotic behaviors in a way that made sense to anyone other than himself.
“Why don't you do it here, then?” Rinne’s jaw went slack, and Niki quickly added, “That way, you don't have to go away, right?”
“You're… telling me to cut myself, here?”
Rinne nearly laughed. His little outburst from earlier seemed more and more ironic the longer this strange conversation went on. He should've expected some weird shit like this. Niki had never behaved “normally” in the three months they'd been living together, despite his obvious predisposition to the contrary. He supposed, with a condition like his, he was bound to have some of the quirks he did. This kind of philosophy, however, was so nonchalantly logical that it looped right back around into being alien.
“W-was that wrong to say?” Niki's face lit up with worry again, and he drew back his hands from where they'd been scratching gently at Rinne's scabs. There was dried blood beneath a few of his fingernails. Rinne didn't know how to feel about the sight. “I just thought that… if you were here, I wouldn't have to worry! And I could help you clean up…? I've cut myself with a knife by mistake plenty of times, so it can't be that much different.”
Rinne resigned himself to the boy before him with a disbelieving shake of his head and a long exhale.
“I… I guess not.”
He didn't dare make any promises, far too put off by the idea alone to even consider addressing it outright without some serious thought.
A tense silence sat between them for what seemed like hours, before Niki at last failed to stifle a tiny yawn. Rinne breathed a word of gratitude to whatever god was listening for the escape route he was being provided.
“Go back to sleep. I'll be here tomorrow, so take a protein bar or something, would you?” He huffed, throwing open the doors of the pantry as relief flooded his overburdened brain. He tossed two bars at Niki, who caught them clumsily, nodding with big eyes. He may not have been the keenest kid around, but he clearly picked up that the conversation between them was over.
Rinne watched him hesitate, before finally padding back to his bed, his bare feet against the wooden floor the only sound pervading the thick silence that had retaken the room.
Whatever perceptions about Niki that Rinne'd had up until this point clearly needed some serious reevaluating. Or maybe, Rinne himself did. He'd figure that out later, when he was less dead on his feet with something substantial in his stomach. For now, he could only muster up the energy to keep his promise. He headed for the spare futon, still dutifully made in anticipation of his return.
Niki Shiina, huh? He'd sure found himself the strangest kid in all of Tokyo, that was for damn sure.
Guess it takes one to know one.