Chapter Text
He shouldn't feel guilty. He shouldn't feel confused or angry. But he is. He's angry with Hye-Jin, with Editor Kim, but mostly with himself. So angry that he can't do anything but stare at the pink notepad on his desk as if he could find an answer to his mood in those pages. His stomach clench in a vice and he urges to scream.
He shouldn't feel this way. He shouldn't want to sink under the covers and forget everything, curled up in a ball of pity and sadness. He shouldn't hear Kim Shin-hyuk's words in his mind, over and over again.
Do you really feel nothing for Kim Hye-Jin?
He shakes his head, pushing the thought away, and sighs. Since he returned to Seoul, everything has been going wrong. None of what he had planned in his mind is coming true, quite the opposite. He should have come back, met his Hye-Jin, started over from where they left off, saved the magazine and like a victorious hero, asked her to marry him. And yet, everything was falling apart.
Why did his Hye-Jin, his old friend, his umbrella, the one who had saved him countless times in his childhood, seem so distant and different now, no longer overlapping with the memory he had of her? While a perfect stranger, clumsy, awkward, and insecure, kept inserting herself into his life and filling the empty pieces of his existence, perfectly, as if she was meant to complete him. As if she was his Hye-Jin.
I love that woman.
Hearing Kim Shin-hyuk declare his feelings so openly has thrown him off balance. He shouldn't feel confused and angry about this. But he does. He's angry with Hye-Jin, with Editor Kim, but mostly with himself. He can't say why. He doesn't want to think about it.
He closes his eyes and tilts his head back, hoping for some relief. The pain seems unwilling to leave him in these weeks, even less so today. He squeezes his eyes shut, massages his temples, but the pain is still there. And every time he closes his eyes, the memory of Hye-Jin's wounded, incredulous, and disappointed gaze haunts him.
You're back again. Why is it always you? Stop driving me crazy by hovering around here.
Go away.
He opens his eyes abruptly, straightens up, and picks up Hye-Jin's pink notepad again. He feels uncertain, but decides to look at her world without prejudice. He flips through the pages filled with clippings and colorful phrases with an open mind, and he sees her. Hye-Jin's curious, carefree, funny, and spontaneous soul.
I wonder why you never apply that rationality to Kim Hye-Jin. It's as if you feel something different.
Seong Joon looks up at the desk and notices the smiling onion he gave her, looking at him stern. Almost as if it wants to scold him.
Damn.
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I wouldn't come back even if it were for your own good.
Hye-Jin's words haunt him. Not so much for her rejection, he had anticipated that and understands it, he really did behave badly towards her. There are no excuses.
It's not the rejection that torments him, but that hint about his well-being. What did she mean? Why even in the moment of retaliation, did she say that phrase to him? Was she worried about him?
Honestly, working with you is really awkward for me.
He had made her life difficult, hadn't he? She had been there for him in difficult times, and what had he done? He had fired her in a moment of anger, of frustration. What kind of person had he become? He feels so ashamed.
So farewell.
He should have chased after her, begged her to come back. But something had held him back. The shame, the thought that deep down he deserved it. He was a bad person.
He sighs, another sleepless night lay ahead. But this time what would keep him awake wouldn't just be the worry about The Most's future and the team he worked with, but also a pair of brown eyes, full of tears, disappointment, and disbelief.
I wouldn't come back even if it were for your own good.
He wouldn't see her again. This truth hit him hard like a boulder. And the fault was solely his.
Do you really feel nothing for Kim Hye-Jin?
He curses Editor Kim once again. He shouldn't feel guilty. He shouldn't feel confused or angry. But he is. He's angry with Hye-Jin, with Editor Kim, but mostly with himself. Sitting on the couch in his luxurious apartment, he can't help but stare at the Renoir puzzle with a sense of defeat.
I'm sorry, Hye-Jin.
And he doesn't know which of the two he's more sorry for. Whether for his old friend who his heart feels more and more estranged and distant from, or for the funny and amusing intern he fired just because he was incapable of managing his own emotions.
You're a mess, Seong Joon.
He gets up from the couch unable to stay still, opens the fridge and takes out one of the dozens of water bottles, opens it, takes a long sip, and looks at the smiling onion on the kitchen counter.
"Don't look at me like that too. - he says grumpily. - I apologized to her. What else should I do?"
The smiling onion continues to gaze at him, oblivious to his mood, and he sighs, grabs a marker from the kitchen drawer, and picks up the glass.
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He watched her for a long time today, as she arrived in the office to find the sad version of the onion, as she turned towards him, bowed, and unconsciously touched her hair. He responded with a nod to her greeting and couldn't help but hold back a smile. Wide, genuine, happy.
He smiles again now. He feels strangely warm and content today. A warmth that rises from the center of his chest and pervades him, making him strangely calm. Capable of facing even the most difficult challenges. He will save The Most, they will overcome the difficulties together. He feels it.
He continues to watch her for a long time as she moves in the open space, always available, lively, always Kim Hye-Jin. Even though she's dressed differently, with straight hair and makeup, she's still her.
You're back.
So, full of warmth and affection, he can't help but tell her how much he appreciated her work, her deep insight into things, how happy he is about her return. He feels strangely embarrassed as he returns her beloved badge and revels in seeing her smile as she puts it on. He returns the smile and tries not to seem like a complete idiot when, calling her back once again, he welcomes her back.
You're back. Thank goodness you're back
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He enters the room just in time to see Director Kim Ra-ra conclude her speech amidst applause, short of breath, his heart pounding wildly. He feels mortified, confused, and useless but, somehow, also reassured. Despite him, the evening was a success. Despite him, his weakness, his limitations, his fragility.
I'm sorry.
He waits with his head bowed outside the room, unable to raise his gaze, desolate, dejected, and tired. He feels cold, a cold that comes from within that doesn't allow him to think clearly. He can only repeat that he's sorry. Kim Ra-ra looks at him surprised and intrigued at the same time, as if he were some unknown and mysterious creature. She questions him, but immediately understands that she won't get any answers. Not today. So she gives him an affectionate pat and leaves him alone.
Alone.
He remains outside in the hall, sitting on a bench, unable to do anything but breathe and stare straight ahead. Immersed in his misery and self-pity, unable to sort out his confused thoughts and the emotions that have overwhelmed him and still seem to torment him.
Alone and cold.
I'm sorry.
Then, suddenly, he's no longer alone and miserable. He felt her coming, even though she didn't say a word and made no noise. He felt her in his heart, even before his ears. A slight weight on the bench next to him. An unusual, comforting warmth. A discreet and silent presence that is able to reassure him without saying anything, without touching him, without judging him. He breathes, feeling a little less desperate and confused.
He's no longer alone. He's not so cold anymore.
He will get through this moment. He has done it in the past, he will do it again. He managed everything on his own, in one of the most difficult moments of his life, he will be able to pull himself out of this misery once again.
Because maybe he's not so alone anymore. And it's not so cold here.
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He leaves the energy drink on Kim Hye-Jin's desk and walks away. There's nothing extraordinary about this gesture, she has done it so many times for him. Leaving him a sandwich, a coffee on his desk, just to make sure he remembered to eat.
It's nothing extraordinary and it doesn't mean anything.
Simply, she deserves it, she's putting so much effort into the article. Fortunately, she has reconsidered. He doesn't know if it's thanks to the story of the opportunity of God that he told her the night before, but he's still happy that she reconsidered the idea of writing. It's nice to see her engaged, among a thousand papers and magazines, motivated to give her best. Her enthusiasm is contagious.
So he can't help but stop and watch her suddenly wake up, notice the drink, open it, and take a long sip. He smiles from behind the glass, unseen, and mentally wishes her a good job.
Do you really feel nothing for Kim Hye-Jin?
Him again. He curses Editor Kim once again for his direct and indiscreet questions. He doesn't know what to answer. He doesn't want to answer.
He just wants Hye-Jin to be okay. Because she's a good person, because she deserves it, and he has hurt her too many times. He has a lot to make up for.
What he's doing now is nothing special, it doesn't mean anything.
He looks at her one last time and feels a comforting warmth in the center of his heart.
Good luck, Kim Hye-Jin