Work Text:
Cassandra Cillian has always been able to see how the puzzle pieces fit together - literal or figurative - even before her "brain grape" decided to start crowding in on her daily life. It might take her some time to solve the puzzle, but she always does.
While she can't solve the puzzle of the Library itself, she's come to realize the Librarians aren't so hard. Flynn will never settle down, and Eve will never really leave, and the two will circle each other until one dies or they break, whichever comes first. Jacob Stone will eventually find his way in the world, without shame of who he is or what he is capable of. Ezekiel Jones will one day be the hero she saw in that quantum computer.
And Cassandra Cillian will die.
It's not so bad, knowing that your life is over before it really begins. It makes it that much simpler to enjoy the world around you. She knows that when the time is right, everything will be over.
It's a release, really.
The problem comes when the patterns break, when they suddenly change direction.
It had been easier, before they destroyed the Serpent Brotherhood. She'd known where she'd stood then - part of a necessary group to win back the Library. Part of a team. Someone who didn't work without the others. Someone that not everyone trusted.
But then the Library trusted her - trusted them - with their own missions, their own lives. For someone who had lived so long trying not to interact with the world, it nearly paralyzed her. She’d known, at the back of her mind, how without Eve’s presence that tenuous friendship couldn’t be maintained. That Jake would destroy Ezekiel with his arrogance, and she’d destroy the rest with her failure to keep the peace. She’d known, but gone anyway, because for the briefest of moments, she knew she’d be happy.
Sometimes Jake smiled at her, just so. Just the way he’d looked at some of the girls they’d met on their missions. Like she wasn’t just brilliant, but beautiful in her brilliance too.
Which was terrifying. The best part of being one of the Librarians was that for all their comradery, they’d never exactly been friends. Ezekiel was still a thief, Eve still kept herself separate from the group, Cassie had always been the traitor, and Jake --
Jake had always been too good and pure for the rest of them.
She heard a movement in the background, and tensed. Cassandra knew they’d doubled the security measures on the Library and the Annex, but every unannounced movement made her feel like they’d been infiltrated once more.
“What are you doing, Cassandra?”
She relaxed. It was just Ezekiel. Cassandra turned up from her book and smiled. “I’m researching Merlin. That other you became the most technological Librarian ever, and you’re already starting to fulfill that destiny with your apps. I became a magician. I want to be prepared for the what if.”
Ezekiel shook his head. “Are you sure that’s all you’re doing here? Because it feels like you’ve been avoiding us all for a while.”
“That’s not true,” she replied indignantly.
“Don’t lie to the liar, Cassandra. I can see right through it all. Really, what’s up?”
She glanced down, and bit her lip. She hated her nervous ticks, but they helped her move through moments of awkwardness.
“We’re becoming friends. For real this time.”
“And that means you need to avoid us?”
She sighed loudly. “I’ll die one day. My tumor is still inoperable. I haven’t found a spell yet that can save me, and even if I do, who’s to say I won’t betray you all again in pursuit of saving myself?”
Ezekiel’s eyes widened, and he shook his head. “You’ve been worried about this the whole time?”
She bit her lip. It wasn't quite true, but she hadn't yet been ready to admit the truth to herself.
“Well, that’s stupid. We all know you’ve changed. You wouldn’t do that to us again. I knew that a long time ago, and even Jake knows it now. You’re a Librarian, Cassandra. We all are. We’re part of something bigger, and I know you feel that responsibility as heavily as I do. We’re safe with you.”
“But am I safe with you?”
The words were out of her mouth before she had a chance to think about them, and the weight of her insecurity crushed the breath from her lungs. She gasped, taking in fresh air and realizing that really, at the end of the day, that was the heart of the matter. For all her patterns and puzzle pieces, what scared her the most was she could no longer see the effect being a Librarian would have on her.
When That Day came, would she be ready to end her life? Or did she have too much at risk now to make such a decision?
For once in his life, Ezekiel doesn't say anything - just gives her a crushing hug and kisses her temple. She smiles.
It's almost like having a real brother.
“You don’t need to be afraid of connecting with those around you, you know,” Jenkins tells her one Sunday afternoon, when they’re all alone at the Library and she’s trying to research Moriarty’s latest moves, trying to see the pattern in his actions. She’d nearly had a breakthrough too, but Jenkins has completely interrupted her train of thought.
Cassandra continues to mutter under her breath, repeating the points she has mapped out over and over again until the pattern reemerges.
“You’re afraid of what will happen when they lose you. That's what paralyzes you.”
Jenkins breaks Cassandra’s concentration with that thought. “Jenkins, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. But you don’t know what I’m going through.”
“You’re right,” he said, crossing from the podium of the clipping book to stand beside her. “But that’s only because you won’t let me in.”
“Well, you’re wrong, you know.” She says it forcefully, almost as if she's trying to convince herself.
Oh, who is she kidding? Of course she's trying to convince herself.
He sits beside her. “You aren’t afraid of death. I’ve seen it in your eyes. You know that death is coming for you, and you’ve accepted that. You’re afraid of the pain you can inflict on others.” He pauses, gauging her reaction.
She sighs. “I can see the patterns. The patterns in our behavior. I can see exactly where all of our actions lead to one most probable result, and that result is mutual destruction. We’re too different, Jenkins. We hurt each other, in the end, if even one of us steps outside of our necessary roles.”
“What does stepping out include?”
Cassandra stays silent.
“Does it have to do with a Mr. Stone?” he asks.
Cassandra shakes her head. “Why would you say that?”
Jenkins laughs. “I’m old, but I’m certainly not dead. There’s a spark. The way you feel about Ezekiel is like he’s an annoying brother. I can see that. It’s the same for everyone here, really. But when you look at Stone, you care. You care where he came from, where he’s going, in a way that you don’t concern yourself with the others. That’s how you’re afraid of getting hurt, is it not?”
The problem is, of course, that Jenkins is right. Cassandra has played out the scenarios a million ways in her mind, different ways that she and Jake come together and come apart, and nothing ends well for either of them. The worst part of all of this is that she's never felt this way before, this strongly about a man, and she's sure that even if Jake were to consider her as a potential partner, he has probably felt this way millions of times. Even that thought is enough to make her feel jealous and spiteful, and all of those behaviors lead still to that path of mutually assured destruction. If their relationship doesn’t destroy the Library, then her death destroys Stone’s soul. Which sounds dramatic, but after meeting his father, she realizes his serious exterior is just a facade, hiding the sensitivity he has inside.
After all, she could never tell him the day she’ll take her own life, and he’d never forgive her for following through.
So she pretends that nothing is bothering her, and continues as if nothing is wrong. As if she isn’t breaking inside every time the group grows closer and more fond of each other.
But that’s the problem with sensitive souls, of course. They notice these kinds of things.
What she doesn't expect is that the sensitive soul to understand her internal dispute is Ezekiel.
"You know, it won't kill you to have a little fun. Go on a date or something," he tells her one evening.
She laughs, playfully. "Well, that'd be all well and good if there were anyone to go on a date with."
Ezekiel shrugs, that same devil-may-care expression on his face as always, but a deeper emotion in his eyes. "Stone said he's going back home for Christmas. I bet he'd enjoy some company. I know his dad and him are getting along better, but it's never easy."
Cassandra lets out a nervous giggle. "And what makes you think Stone would want my company?"
"Oh, come off it, Cassandra," he says, knocking her lightly on the shoulder. "You two have been playing a weird dance ever since we went to Oklahoma. Ask him. Take a chance. Try something new."
"All signs point to disaster," she mutters.
He laughs. "Cassandra, you've just described our entire job. Disaster comes with the territory. And whatever happens, you'll always have me, and Baird, and Jenkins. You'll even still have Stone. Just go."
She stares down at her research papers, unconsciously letting the words float into the air around her. "You're sure you won't feel like a third wheel?"
"Third wheel? No way. Jenkins and are best buds. How could I feel left out?" The sarcasm is palpable, but she can't tell if that's just Ezekiel being Ezekiel, or Ezekiel actually feeling left out and trying to cover up his emotions.
Cassandra opens her mouth to say something comforting and reassuring, and he silences her with a wave of his hand. "Merry Christmas, Cassandra. Go do something for yourself, for once. We'll hold down the fort here."
She tries to interrupt again. "No, not another word! Not unless it's asking Stone to go to Oklahoma."
Later, when Cassandra and Jake get to Oklahoma, she wears one of her nicest, brightest sundresses, paired with cowboy boots she found in Eve's closet, and loops her arm in Jake's while he tilts his cowboy hat down to shade his eyes from the sun. He's already apologizing to her for how his father will likely behave, and thanking her for coming with him, and in his behavior she starts to see a new pattern emerge - one where maybe That Day doesn't come, and where maybe she dies and she is sad, and he is sad, but where they all realize it was better to have lived, and lived honestly.