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Perils of a caretaker

Summary:

Maria is sick, and it falls upon Chris to choose who'll help her out.
Results are mixed.
Maria is easily influenced, and her consciousness betrays her.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

“Let me make sure I got this: Maria’s sick…” Tsubasa said.

“Yep.”

“And Akatsuki was your best option?”

Chris felt the gaze upon her like a gun to her head. As far as she remembered, that was her specialty, but now it seemed people had no respect. Perhaps she should have sued.

“Hibiki and Miku are on their excursion, I have my driving license exam today, you have a very tight schedule, and Shirabe is gonna be at school all day because for extra credit in history to not fail the year”

“That still leaves all of S.O.N.G and Noble Red still free, I’m sure”

“Tsubasa, trust me on this one. I’ve been looking after them for a while now, and Kirika will know what to do.”

---

“I don’t know what to do, dess!”

That was a lie, of course. Kirika Akatsuki, at least, knew better than to scream as she entered Maria Cadenzavna Eve’s apartment.

She also had a good overall plan of what to do, product of being on the “receiving care” end of her current predicament.

Today’s the day, Kirika! Maria has taken care of us for years, and now I get to repay the favor! I just have to reverse psychology this, and this will go as good as it can be! First: positive attitude!

“How is the most beautiful idol in the world feeling!?” she sang, entering Maria’s room.

“Like death would be a mercy…” muttered a hollow husk crumpled on the bed.

“Dess!”

“It’s not that fierce, just a small fever, really. You don’t have to be here.”

“Well, I could never leave you on your own.” Kirika tried to hold Maria’s gaze for a moment, but eventually relented. Not that her determination to help had faltered, but the “mother knows what’s best” look really wasn’t her style. So she did the next best thing, and opened her backpack. “So, here I have some cotton with alcohol for your forehead and face, and some sleepy tea so you can get a good rest! I picked many flavors so if you don’t like one, you can try the others!”

Suddenly, for the first time in the day, Maria was very grateful of her current condition, as it rendered her too tired for tears.

When did you grow so much?” she thought as her little sister unpacked nearly everything from her bag and on the small desk next to her bed.

A few minutes later, her condition seemed to have improved. A bit. Maybe. It hadn’t worsened, at least.

“Okay, now you’re going to drink your sleepy tea-”

“Right, I think the proper term was bedtime t-“

Your sleepy tea, and properly rest that brain of yours. Is there anything else I can do?”

“Hmm… I’d like to sleep with some music on. You can put something on from the computer in the living room and connect it to the Bluetooth speakers in the corner”.

“Wow, the idol lifestyle sure pays the bills, dess… Any request?”

Maria took down her whole cup of sleepy tea and winked.

“Surprise me” she smiled, and the blondie smiled back.

--

Sasuga, Maria! You mentioned your speakers, but you forgot to mention that it had a camera connected to your room!” Kirika remarked to her reflection in the computer screen. “Now I can safely monitor you! I have caught the moment you absolutely fell asleep! And so, a surprise you will get!”

She connected to the speakers, activated the mic function, and-!

Zeilos, igalima raize-

“Kirika-kun, I’ll have to stop you right there,” said a powerful male voice in her ear. Oh right, her ear communicator. Which could only mean…

“Mister Genjuro! Eeerm, I was just trying to cheer Maria up a bit while she was sleeping…”

“Very commendable, miss. However, activating your relic seems a bit overkill for the situation. And it is, of course, forbidden, as I think you are aware. I’ll let it go this time, but please do not… Ah, wait a minute, I’ll put you on speaker”.

“Kirika, can you hear me?”

“Elfnein! Sure! What’s up?” She saluted excitedly, already imagining the little alchemist at the command room.

“You should be very careful. As the Igalima’s Superb Song can affect souls, unleashing its Phonic Gain near an unconscious person could have some side effects like more vivid dreams, which can be easily influenced by additional sound!”

“That sounds dangerous… So, what do I do?”

“Just put some regular music for her,” Elfnein replied. “Luckily for you, I have a playlist of relaxing music for such a situation! I’ll be sending it to your account in just a few minutes. That’s all, be careful and keep in touch if needed!”

“Sure, thank you so much, dess!”

A few minutes later, Kirika got a message in her inbox, leading to a YouTube playlist. After a couple seconds of scrolling, Kirika opted to pick a random number from 1 to 74, and so!

“Song 29 of the playlist, you’re up!” she said as she declaratively clicked. Mendelssohn’s Wedding March resounded in the apartment.

--

A blue, cloudless sky. The glint of raindrops could still be seen on the grass, with air at the perfect temperature to be fresh. 

Maria Cadenzavna Eve could not think of a better day for a wedding. She could not think of better company for a wedding, with all her friends and allies present, even Genjuro as the Justice of the Peace. Or maybe she could, as she saw the bride enter.

Oh, how Tsubasa rocked the bride look so perfectly. A dress with enough ornaments to be still simple, yet elegant and full of personality. A thin white veil rested over her face, but couldn’t hide the smile on her lips. And was that a white orchid and a near transparent ribbon holding up her sidetail? Maria was falling in love all over again. She could hardly wait to greet her bride as she slowly approached. Maria waited, waited so patiently…

--

“Hmm, this is boring… I can’t let Maria have a boring dream; I have to spice it up! She’ll surely appreciate it! Yes, a tetric vibe is just what she needs, dess! So, let’s see here… Here it is! Tocatta and Fugue in D minor, you’re up!”

--

…from the audience. Wait, was that how it was supposed to go? Maria looked at her feet, and yes, she was standing in front of one of the seats. Definitely not on the altar, which was empty save for Genjuro. So who could?

“Sorry to keep you waiting!” a voice resounded in the sky, alongside the noise of… large wings flapping, closer and closer…

Tsubasa reached the altar at the same time as her partner landed, vampiric wings combining perfectly with her oh so elegant tuxedo. Milaarc turned to her soon-to-be-spouse with a smile, took the last step separating the two of them…

Maria gasped in denial as their lips connected like they were meant for each other. Faintly, she could hear a “do that at home!” in the background as she took a step forward.

Millaarc turned and smirked at her.

“My my, aren’t we impatient? I thought we agreed on a schedule…”

“A...a schedule?” she managed to utter, stretching a hand forward in a feeble attempt to reach what should’ve been her wife. A hand with a ring on it.

Millaarc lifted her own clawed hand, which clearly featured two rings. “Yes, a schedule. I married you yesterday, I marry Tsubasa today. If you can’t wait a few hours for our honeymoon…” Her Stained Glance was not needed; Maria was already lost in her eyes “just say the word, and I’ll take you right here, babe.

--

“Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!””

Maria, naturally, woke up screaming. Help arrived almost immediately.

“Maria! What’s wrong!?” Kirika said as she entered running.

“I… I’m ok. Give me five minutes. I need to clear my thoughts.” 

Obedient and considerate, Kirika obeyed and slided out of the room.

What was that nonsense? A po-polycule with Milaarc? Who does she think she is, with her infuriating smile, and her admittedly fantastic legs, and her…

And so, Maria pondered, as she rolled over on the bed. Then rolled to the other side. Then rolled  back once again. Over and over, until eventually (and obviously)-

“Kirika, I rolled around too much; now I feel worse.”

“Nooooooo!!”

“It’s okay. This is karma. I’m just reaping what I sowed”

“Mariaaaaa, you can’t reap, that’s Igalima’s schtick!” she complained, though refrained from demonstrating only because she had already gotten an earful a little while ago.

“Right, sorry… I think I’m gonna try to sleep again. If you could please look for some medication for the fever, thankee…”

“Leave it to me, dess!” She saluted, bolting for the living room as quickly as she could. “Ok, now I have to find which is the right medication. Hmm, but I always get confused with all the long names and small boxes…” She pouted, before rising and gently closing the door. “But fear not, Maria. I am prepared for this situation. I will whip out my super secret, super infallible intel gathering tool!”

---

Muy buenas a todos, my dessidents! Welcome to another KirikaEpic stream!” she said to the webcamera, as her eyes scanned the chat already filled with her small, but dedicated base followers. It had been as simple as logging into her account on Maria’s computer. (How did Kirika get a streaming channel? The better question is: How could she not?)

“Today, I’ve got a special task for you, my community! I will list some symptoms my friend has, and I need a diagnosis! Surely some of you must be talented in medicine!”

Why, yes, Kirika had reasoned that her devoted fans would be the best source of information she could ask for. Her faith in the goodwill of mankind really was something to applaud. And so, Kirika read a list of Maria’s symptoms and put on some funny videos while waiting for someone in the chat to come up with an answer. Eventually, her pleas were answered.

“Ok, so, I’mma screenshot this, wait a sec… Every six hours, gotcha… Avoid cold drinks until properly recovered, gotta make sure of that… Thank you so much, ‘BasedAlchemistIcon’! You have earned yourself a request! Send some bits or whatever they’re called, speak your will, dess!”

Elsewhere, an attractive turquoise-haired woman in a black dress smirked and typed on her keyboard.

“Eh? You want me to say this… Wait a second, chat is this okay? Safe for work and all? You know the rules by now!” She patiently waited and checked the various confirming messages, and figured it was indeed no trouble to follow the request. “Okay, here it goes, dess! Pay attention, this is gonna be a clip! Three, two, one… Fine, I…” 

-- 

The setting sun painted the sky with tones of orange and red, creating a beautiful watery effect over the horizon. A couple seagulls here, a ship there, the little details added up for a wonderful picture. Maria recognized this beach, it was where they all had landed after joining forces at Frontier. The uncertain future she feared at that moment had turned out for the better, and now she was at peace.

“Is wonderful, isn’t it? A shame we never visited this particular beach afterward,” a voice said to her left, along with a hand interlocking with hers.

Her head turned, and cyan met purple. A lot of purple. Yukine Chris was sitting very, very close to her, in a very risqué (by her standards) swimsuit.

“A-aren’t you supposed to be a long range specialist?” Maria stammered, a bit scandalized at the lack of not-shared personal space.

“Quite observant, aren’t you? However, I am also capable of getting in close if I feel I can grasp a win…”

Some instinct triggered in Maria, and she tried to slide back. The sand worked against her, and instead all she only ended up laying on the beach. “W-what’s with the suave speech with no warning?” she said while attempting to retreat, but all Chris had to do was get on all fours on top of her and catch Maria’s attention in a way that left her defenseless.

“You did get a fair warning. My, didn’t Hibiki herself warn you here, once? That I could be such a handful…” Chris leaned forward, locking eyes with her once again.

“Eep!” What could barely be identified as a scared yelp left Maria’s lips, which by their slight opening were already surrendering to the inevitable embrace.

“It’s fine, dear. I promise I will be sweet with you…” She cupped her cheek, and got so close that she could feel her breath like a gentle breeze on her lips “… my little pogchamp

--

Kirika’s afternoon was looking bright until Maria woke up screaming again. She instinctively cut off the stream and turned just in time to be witness to the power of determination: Maria exiting her room and walking straight towards her, eyes twitching.

“Maria? I’m so sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Kirika, the fever got worse. I feel like I’m going insane! Poly relationships, outdated slang, depraved outfits! It may be contagious; run before it is too late!” 

After a few seconds of silence, this time it was Kirika’s turn to scream.

“Deeeeeeeeeeeeessssssss!!!!!!!!!!”

--

Hibiki caught up with Maria a couple days later in the S.O.N.G. submarine base’s cafeteria after their weekly reports. “Wow, Maria, you sure eat healthy nowadays,” she remarked, as she saw Maria exclusively scooping vegetables from the buffet. She was picking fruits too, as well as anything organic she could reach.

“Yes. I have learned a valuable lesson: I cannot afford to fall sick ever again”.

“Oh… Is this about last week? Did Kirika do a bad job taking care of you?”

“Kirika did nothing wrong. The only thing that was ill was my own sick mind.”Maria muttered, a blush forming in her face.

Notes:

Hello there! Glad you came to read my second entry! This one was entirely motivated for the silly comedic scenes, hope you had as good a time as i had writing it.
Shotout to the wonderful geahcord community and my beta reader.

Jokes that didnt make it to the final product:
-A reference to the CodeMENT "I'm at soup!" bit.
-Someone in Kirika's streaming chat being called "Igalima balls" but i wanted the focus to be on the other punchline.