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What the fuck is happening?! What did you do?!
..and we are eternally grateful for his service
He was so young
Mr. Iruma? I’m so sorry..
Losing his partner at such a young age..
Stay with me, please, stay with me
«-to? Jyuto?!»
Jyuto’s body woke up before his mind had the chance to. In a split second he sat up, instinctively grabbed the arm that was shaking his shoulder and pinned it against the mattress.
Mattress?
«Oi, what the fuck?!»
The sound of that voice snapped him back to reality. As his eyes began bringing into focus his dimly-lit surroundings, he finally remembered. He was in Samatoki’s bedroom. He’d had a nightmare.
Fuck, not this again, he thought.
He turned his head to see a very confused, very disheveled, and slightly pissed Samatoki who was lying on the bed next to him, and whose left arm was still uncomfortably pressed against the mattress. Jyuto let go immediately. Samatoki sat up slowly, massaging his forearm. The first morning rays of light were scarcely illuminating the room from the big window behind Samatoki, coloring his white hair with golden highlights, while his whole figure was in shadow. Only his eyes seemed to spark a light of their own – his inquisitive, piercing red eyes that were now looking at Jyuto as if he was a test subject, examining him, analyzing every inch of his body and soul, with no intention of stopping until they had found exactly what they were looking for. Jyuto loved those eyes, but hated how naked he always felt in front of them. There was no escape from them – he’d learned that by now.
«Care to explain?» Samatoki asked.
Jyuto briefly wondered if it was concern that he saw hiding behind the pissed look on Samatoki’s face. He decided not to dwell on the thought, and shrugged. «I had a nightmare. That’s all.»
Samatoki raised his eyebrow. «You don’t have nightmares.»
Jyuto sighed, annoyed. «Everybody has nightmares.»
«You were screaming, Jyuto. What the hell did you dream about?»
«I dreamed that zombies were chasing me» Jyuto replied absentmindedly as he reached over to grab his glasses and his phone from the bedside table. 5:36am. Good enough.
He decided to ignore the mumbled insult coming from Samatoki and began dressing up. Why the hell was it so hot in that damn room anyway? He needed to get out. Staying in there any longer was pointless anyway. He knew he couldn’t hope to go back to sleep after that, and to be honest he actually didn’t want to. He knew full well that the possibility of having another nightmare was too high, and he couldn’t afford to take the risk.
«You’re leaving?» Samatoki asked, sounding disappointed, or maybe a little concerned. Jyuto couldn’t tell, and frankly didn’t have the energy to care at the moment. The room was getting smaller by the second and he desperately needed some air.
He nodded in response to Samatoki’s question. «I have a shift in two hours anyway.»
As he finished buttoning up his shirt, he shot a side-glance at Samatoki. He was still sitting in the middle of the bed, half-naked, with the bed sheets covering him up to his waist, and his triangle-shaped necklace standing out against the pale skin of his chest. He was still staring at Jyuto, with his mouth slightly open. He looked like he was hesitating, as if he was pondering whether he should say something. Jyuto silently prayed he wouldn’t. And evidently, Samatoki eventually decided against it because he closed his mouth and simply nodded back at him. For a brief second Jyuto wondered what it was he had wanted to say, then shrugged it off.
After putting his shoes on, Jyuto went to grab his coat from the hanger. He started walking towards the front door. «See you later at the meeting.»
«Jyuto.»
Jyuto stopped walking, but didn’t turn around. «What is it?»
«Look, uh.. I know we don’t do feelings and stuff. But if you ever wanna talk.. you know. Talk to me.»
Hearing Samatoki’s surprisingly thoughtful words, Jyuto’s heart clenched against his will. He closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose between his fingertips, lifting his glasses in the process. He sighed silently. I don’t have time for this, he thought, as if he was trying to convince himself. He opened his eyes and grabbed the door handle.
«Go back to sleep, Samatoki» he said eventually, before closing the door behind himself.
The cold morning air hit him as he walked towards his car. Yokohama was slowly beginning to wake up around him – the first cars lazily passing him by on the street. Without a single soul in sight, everything was still and quiet. Unnaturally so, almost. The lampposts were still on, and the light they projected mixed with the morning fog to create a sort of haze all around in the air that made it look like the city was trapped in a distorted parallel universe, one that resided on the blurred border between dreams and reality.
He shivered, and squeezed into his coat, putting the collar up to cover his throat. With the other hand, he fished for his pack of cigarettes in his pocket. Slowing down his pace, he lit one up and took a long drag. There was no need to hurry now that he was finally outside, alone. A vague sense of guilt started rising inside of him. He realized he had been particularly mean to Samatoki, and this time he had done nothing to deserve it. What he had with Samatoki was purely physical, that was true. Still, it was no excuse to treat him like that. They were also teammates first and foremost, and Samatoki was his leader. Feeling the annoying sensation of a headache coming on, Jyuto raised a hand to his temple and started massaging it slowly. This day couldn’t have had a worse start, and he was in desperate need of caffeine. Once he reached his car, he threw the cigarette butt on the asphalt and stepped on it to put it out. With his head full of rumbling thoughts, and one of the most terrible moods he’d ever been in, he drove back to his own house.
---
If anybody had asked Jyuto how the MTC meeting was going, he would’ve probably answered that he’d prefer having to go through all the boring police paperwork he’d been piling up on his desk for a week, if it meant he could avoid being in Samatoki’s office and listening to him ramble about arrangements and stanzas for an hour straight. He normally didn’t mind these meetings; in spite of what people might’ve thought of him on first impression, he actually liked making music with his teammates most of the times. That day, though – it just wasn’t one of those days. He’d had the longest, most uneventful shift at work, which meant he had to listen to his rookie colleague’s embarrassing attempts to make small talk with him. Now, he just wanted to go home as soon as possible, and possibly sleep for the next decade. That’s why, from the second he’d stepped into Samatoki’s office, he’d let his brain switch into power saving mode. He let his gaze wander around the walls and the drapes hanged on them – not really seeing them but rather lazily acknowledging that they were there, and cataloguing them as something interesting he should’ve payed more attention to the previous times he’d been there. How come he’d never noticed that Samatoki actually kept his office pretty minimalistic when it came to decorations? Thinking about it, that was something that actually made so much sense, if one had met Samatoki. He was exactly like his office: blunt and cold, a down-to-business kind of person who kept little to no space for trivialities in his life. That was probably why Jyuto didn’t mind the kind of relationship they had, and actually even liked it – because he was sure that they were on the same page, and that Samatoki wasn’t going to complicate things. They kept it simple, and mutually beneficial – no feelings involved, no strings attached. Neither of them had any intention to make it into anything more than what it was: a way, like any other, to shut everything off for a while and release some pent-up energy. Knowing how Samatoki wasn’t one for frivolities was also the reason why, the first time they had slept together, Jyuto had been surprised to notice that Samatoki kept his necklace and his bracelet on at all times. It made some kind of contrast with the first impression he’d had of him. Jyuto surely wouldn’t have pinned him down as the type of person who cares about jewelry.
«Jyuto? Are you with us?»
«Oi, bunny cop, we’re talking to you.»
Jyuto’s train of thoughts was interrupted by his teammates’ voices calling out to him. Evidently, they had noticed that his mind was somewhere else. Shit.
«Hmm?» he asked.
Samatoki rolled his eyes and sighed. «I said, we can call it a day.»
Thank God, Jyuto thought. «Right» he said, standing up.
«Samatoki, Jyuto. Goodnight» Rio saluted them.
«Goodnight» Jyuto said. He felt the uneasy and by now familiar sensation that came with having Samatoki’s eyes piercing through his skin, looking for answers to unspoken questions. Therefore, he was trying to avoid his gaze at all costs.
«’Night, Rio» Samatoki said, still keeping his eyes fixed on Jyuto.
Jyuto picked his coat up from the couch where he’d lazily left it one hour ago.
«Jyuto.»
Samatoki’s voice sounded way more serious than Jyuto could’ve possibly had the strength to bear.
«Will you stay a little longer?» Samatoki asked, straight to the point like he always did.
Jyuto squeezed the bridge of his nose between his fingers as he pondered. Maybe staying wasn’t a bad idea. Maybe sex could help him take his mind off of everything else.
«I’m tired, Samatoki» he said. «Let’s make this quick.»
He started loosening his tie, but Samatoki shook his head and put his hand on Jyuto’s instead, to stop what he was doing.
«I didn’t ask you to stay for that.»
Jyuto’s heart started beating harder in his throat. He stiffened and fixed his tie. «What do you want, then?»
«I wanna talk to you» Samatoki answered. «You’ve been acting weird all day. What’s going on?»
Jyuto sighed, slightly irritated. «I told you this morning. It’s nothing.»
Samatoki smirked. «Actually, you told me to go back to sleep.»
«It’s not funny, Samatoki. You should mind your own business.»
The room was starting to get smaller, and Jyuto was getting restless. He needed to get out of there.
«I know it’s not funny» Samatoki was back to his serious tone. «You look pale.»
You’re the one to talk, Jyuto thought. The room was getting smaller by the second.
Samatoki gestured towards the balcony. «Come on, let’s get some air.»
The room was unbearably small. He was cornered.
«Why won’t you just let it slide?» Jyuto said, raising his voice, almost begging.
«Because I care about you!» Samatoki shouted in response.
Jyuto froze. That’s dangerous territory, Samatoki. Don’t do that, he thought.
Samatoki bit his lip, then sighed.
«Let’s get some air» he said, and stepped onto the balcony. Jyuto followed him without complaining.
It was a small balcony with a plain metal railing, nothing fancy. The lights of Yokohama were shining all around them; it felt like that city never slept. A cold wind was blowing, and it started playing with Samatoki’s hair as soon as he stepped outside. He shivered lightly, ran a hand through his hair, then took out a cigarette and lit it up. He took a drag, and slowly exhaled the smoke. Then he looked Jyuto in the eyes and said, «I care about you. Clearly you don’t want me to, but I do. So no, I won’t let it fucking slide because I can feel that there’s something big that’s been bugging you and I need to know if I-» he hesitated. «If Rio and I can help you in any way. I’m the leader of this crew, and I can’t just turn my back on a teammate who’s in trouble.»
Right. Teammates first and foremost. That’s what they were, right? That’s what they’d agreed upon. Sometimes they have sex, and that’s it, nothing more. That’s what they both wanted.
Jyuto scoffed. «I’m not in trouble» he said.
He hated having to recognize that he already felt better, now that he was able to breathe some fresh air. And he hated that Samatoki had read right through him when he’d suggested they go talk on the balcony.
Samatoki groaned. «Then what the fuck is it??»
«You have a death wish, Samatoki.»
«I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t» Samatoki smirked, then became serious again. «You know, you can trust me. What is it?»
Jyuto rolled his eyes. Trusting Samatoki had never been an issue; despite his reputation, Samatoki was one of the most principled people Jyuto had ever met. He knew he could rely on him. Opening his heart to him, though – that was different. There was an invisible line they’d silently agreed to draw between them when they’d first started sleeping together. Crossing it was bad news, Jyuto knew that full well. It was easy at first. The line was still there, and they were both aware of it. What they’d failed to realize was that, while the line was where it had always been, it was the both of them who had gradually been stepping closer and closer – to the line, and to each other.
And now, he was feeling inexplicably at ease, being on the balcony with Samatoki. And against his will, he realized a part of him actually wanted to cross that invisible line they’d put between them, to tell him everything about what had been going on, to tell him everything about him. He hated how calm he felt now – a sharp contrast with the shitty day he’d been having – and he most definitely didn’t like the implications of it all, which he promptly decided to archive as something he shouldn’t be dwelling on, at least not right now.
He took a deep breath that he prayed would go unnoticed. Then, he stepped over the invisible line.
«You know the story of how I lost my parents, right? And my mentor in the police.»
Samatoki nodded, frowning lightly. His eyes had never stopped scanning him.
«He wasn’t exactly my mentor. Or, well, he was my mentor, but he wasn’t only that. I tell everyone that we were friends because it makes it all a little less unbearable, I guess. And probably because I’m sick of other people’s pity. But yeah. He was actually my partner.» He blurted it all out without even catching a breath, knowing that if he’d stopped anywhere mid-sentence he probably would’ve never found the courage to start talking again. Then he shot a glance at Samatoki, to make sure he’d understood what he’d just said. «We were together» he added, to be sure.
Samatoki’s expression was undecipherable, and for a moment Jyuto really thought he hadn’t understood. If Jyuto’s emotions were easy for Samatoki to read on his face, Samatoki’s had always been illegible to Jyuto.
After what seemed like an eternity, Samatoki finally moved and took out his pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He took one for himself and lit it, then passed the pack and lighter to Jyuto.
«I’m sorry» Samatoki said. He was resting his forearms on the railing of the balcony, looking at Yokohama’s lights underneath them.
Jyuto smiled bitterly. «Don’t be.»
Jyuto’s heart was pounding in his ears, yet he felt somehow slightly better. He wouldn’t be able to explain how. Maybe the whole ‘getting something off your chest’ thing really worked.
«I was bound to talk about it sooner or later anyway, I guess. I mean, it’s been weighing on me for years now. Back then, it felt like such a cruel twist of fate – losing my parents and then him for the same underlying reason. Just when I felt like I was finally doing something right, finally moving on from the loss of my parents.. It all came crashing down on me again, when I lost him.»
Samatoki was listening to him quietly, his eyes still pierced on him – only, a little less inquisitive now. There was a hint of sadness in them, the quiet type of sadness, the one that comes from a deep understanding of another person’s pain. Jyuto suddenly became very aware of Samatoki’s past, how family and parents and loss were all topics he was way too familiar with.
He cleared his throat. «Sorry. I don’t want to play the victim. I know you had it hard as well-»
Samatoki shook his head.
«We’re not talking about me here. And it’s not a fucking competition, Jyuto. Keep talking» he said sharply, exhaling the last smoke of his second cigarette.«If you want to» he added quickly.
Jyuto lowered his gaze. «I don’t really have anything else to say, but thank you.»
«Then I have a question» Samatoki said, and Jyuto was taken by surprise. He shivered. Classic Samatoki. Always straight to the point.
«Uhh.. Sure, go ahead» he replied, slightly alert.
Samatoki took his eyes off of him, and let them wander on the starless night sky.
«Why today?» he asked. «What makes today different? I never saw you like this.»
Jyuto had to look for the last bit of his strength before being able to answer.
«Today is the anniversary of his death.»
Samatoki nodded. «I see.»
He was smoking his third cigarette, and it made Jyuto realized he had completely forgotten about his own cigarette, which had kept burning by itself and was now completely useless. He grabbed the spare ashtray that Samatoki always kept on his balcony and dropped it in it.
«I usually try to.. not be available when this day comes» he said. Something compelled him to keep talking. It was a new feeling, unusual – Jyuto couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He didn’t know if he liked it. He still decided to keep talking.
«You were right when you said I don’t usually have nightmares. It’s true. Except for this time of the year. But I’m usually working my ass off, taking double shifts, anything to make sure I don’t have enough time to have that kind of dreams. Most of the times it works. Then sometimes it doesn’t, because I have to get some sleep at some point. And they’re always right there, the nightmares, waiting for the second I fall asleep.»
He paused, and took out a cigarette. Samatoki handed out the lighter.
As he exhaled the smoke, he continued. «I try to isolate myself when this time comes. Last night I just.. I guess I forgot, for a second. And I’m sorry you had to see that.»
He took another drag, and used this small pause to shoot a glance at Samatoki, just in time to catch him averting his gaze from him.
«The worst part is, I realize this whole thing comes from me. That I’m doing this to myself. Every year since he died, I see the date approaching and begin wondering if I’m gonna relive what happened that day. If I’m still going to see him die in my nightmares over and over again. And every year I do. It’s like a curse I put on myself that I don’t know how to break. I’m constantly hanging between the need to forget everything about that day and the fear of forgetting everything else I lived with him. And so I trap myself in this damned ritual of remembering only what I want to forget. Some days it feels like everything he left me was this obsession with erasing drugs. And everything he left me eventually became my everything, too. Gradually and inexorably, I stopped caring about anything else that wasn’t directed towards achieving my goal. And now it’s too late» Jyuto shrugged. «Because I’m not sure I can live normally without him. I don’t think I know how. I feel like all I exist for is to carry his legacy, and my parents’ legacy. I live because they left me behind to live in their place.»
As he spoke, he started feeling an ugly, long forgotten sensation in his throat – like it was burning up, like he was choking on fire. It had been so long since the last time he cried, and he was almost surprised to notice that a tear had started running down his cheek. He had cried for so long back then, somehow he’d just assumed he had exhausted his reserve of tears for this lifetime. And now, he learned that he hadn’t, and that there is a kind of pain that never fades, no matter how many years have passed.
He wondered if maybe this whole evening shouldn’t have happened. If opening his heart like this to the man he sleeps with was actually a terrible idea. Yet deep down, he knew that it had been just the right thing to do. Because the leader of his crew had lent him a helping hand – albeit in his own peculiar way – and for the first time in forever Jyuto had found himself feeling grateful for it. For being a part of something. For not being left behind.
Samatoki was looking at him again, keeping some sort of respectful distance. He didn’t seem worried about seeing him cry, and this somehow reassured Jyuto too. He wiped the tear from his cheek, and cleared his throat.
Then unexpectedly, it was Samatoki who broke the silence first.
«I don’t know why fate is so cruel to some people. I’d love to tell you that there is a meaning to what you went through but that would be a lie» he exhaled a breath of smoke. «What I do know and can tell you is that you are more than what you think you are.»
Jyuto scoffed. «What is this now, are you a philosopher or something?»
Samatoki suddenly took a step closer, and Jyuto turned to look at him, surprised.
«I mean it» Samatoki said, looking straight into his eyes. «This whole thing about you living in their stead. I don’t think it’s true. You may be driven by your past but the way I see it, you’re your own person. I’ve seen plenty of fake-ass people without an identity to know you’re not one of them. You’re honoring your deceased family by working towards your goal, and that’s noble, and it may be a huge part of your life, but it’s not the only part. There’s a lot more to you. I’ve seen it. I bet everyone who knows you has. You’re the only one left who still hasn’t realized.»
Jyuto froze for a moment – not really used to such words coming from Samatoki, of all people. He lowered his gaze, slightly embarrassed.
«Thanks, Samatoki» he smiled, and realized it was his first heartfelt smile in a while.
Samatoki suddenly looked away and grabbed the ashtray.
«Well, I’m fucking freezing out here. Wanna go inside?»
Jyuto chuckled. «Yeah, it’s gotten pretty late.»
While Samatoki closed the window, Jyuto picked up both their coats, and handed Samatoki his. They shut down the lights and closed the office door behind them. The cold air hit them once again as they walked towards their cars in comfortable silence.
As they approached Jyuto’s car, Samatoki suddenly stopped walking. Jyuto shot him a confused look.
«I was thinking.. Do you wanna sleep at my place?» he said all at once, then quickly added, «Just sleeping. So you won’t be alone, in case you have other nightmares. You can drive us there, and drop me off back here tomorrow morning.»
Jyuto stiffened a little. He thought of their invisible line, and how many times they’d already stepped over it tonight. One more step won’t hurt, he thought, and smiled at Samatoki.