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Simon only allowed himself five seconds to think, counted them himself, them recognized this might be his last chance to do this. His only chance.
hey, Johnny : You
doin alright? : You
Johnny : aye, hbu?
good enough : You
feel like havin a trip? : You
Johnny : how so
I’m offering to pay everything, and you come visit me : You
I’ll even pay you a nice hotel : You
Johnny : not your house?
dont got one : You
u coming? : You
Johnny : ...
Johnny : count me in
He thought he might have been dreaming, or at least he wished he was. But as Simon watched Johnny walking in his direction on the airport, and Nala, his cat which he walked everywhere with her leash, jumped for him to pick her up, he knew all of this was very, very real.
He looked at the bright blue eyes, the wild hair shaved on the sides, and decided that no screen could ever do Johnny any justice. Simon knew John MacTavish was as pretty as it got before, but he was so much more in person. It squeezed his heart, and he felt that if he didn’t love the scotsman with all his heart already, he might’ve fallen in love right then.
When Johnny finally stopped in front of him, they both were silent for seconds. Minutes maybe, Simon couldn’t be bothered to count, he could barely believe this was real.
But it was, Johnny was real and in front of him, had travelled all the way from Scotland only because Simon had asked. Even if he didn’t deserve it, even if Johnny had all the right to never even reply to any of his messages. But they weren’t like that, they promised each other that they would be there. And here they were.
Johnny cleared his throat, it didn’t come as a surprise that he spoke first, ‘’Si.’’
‘’Johnny,’’ Simon felt like he was breathing right for the first time, he could feel his own heartbeat, and there wasn’t much he could do except say, ‘’so, you want to see the beach?’’
It worked like a charm, and he got the brightest smile in answer, a smile he had seen this very same smile countless of times, that reached the man’s cheeks and made him look all the more beautiful. He loved Johnny’s smile like the first day he ever saw it.
‘’Lead the way big guy.’’
It hadn’t been easy for Simon, to take this decision.
But when his own mother, who had fled their terrible father with her two sons, cared for them on her own, loved them and did all she could- when the same woman he admired looked him in the eyes and told him to ‘drop his trans bullshit or leave’, it had been Simon’s last straw.
It wasn’t easy, the ultimatum had been the end of it, but the start was so old Simon was disgusted to even think about it. It was like she could accept anyone, as long as it wasn’t her own child.
He wondered, many times, if he was in the wrong, if maybe she had a reason to it and he should go and try to live the life everyone seemed to want for him. He tried, he tried so hard, he tried, and it felt like dying. He nearly did, a part of him was surely lost forever thanks to this, Simon knew he couldn’t keep it up, not if he wanted any chance to live.
As it was, for people like him, living and dying was but a choice to make every day, and a choice that could be made for them anytime. It was a jackpot, where peace was nearly impossible, where love was scarce, where the odds of winning were always slim, and where he soon learned that luck was never on their favour. To make the correct choice to see another day was hard, but not as hard as the sure path of death he once tried. The path that life was a possibility was no easy either, but it was possible, and it was all he could ask for.
So when he left, and went to live far away from his family, from friends, from anything he knew, he left for a possibility. Call him reckless, it was a choice he made basing himself on the will to live, a little more at least, it was all he could ask. To live as himself for a bit and that to be enough for as long as his luck lasted. He took Nala and ran.
He didn’t regret it, he found a shelter with more people like him, for queer people. He found that he wasn’t as alone as he was made to believe, he found that the odds were always hard but they weren’t lonely, when he chose to live another day, the sister two beds away from him chose the same, and they would greet each other with a small smile everyday.
He only knew her name, Dorote. Simon didn’t know how old she was, he was nineteen and she looked younger than him, he didn’t want to know.
As much as he wasn’t alone anymore, Simon had been raised as a family person, he loved his family with all his heart still, and it was a wound that cut him deep. As such, it wasn’t all that surprising that it all took its tool on him, and that everyday he lived, he felt more like dying, this time for a whole different reason.
He thought, multiple times when he was younger, that life wasn’t worth living enough to withstand huge amounts of suffering, and he was suffering.
He remembered Johnny then, not that the man ever scaped his mind for long, but he remembered something they used to say to each other when things got hard. They’ve never seen each other in person before, always through screens, speakers and so on, but the words still ringed inside his brain like a promise he could not break.
‘‘You’re not allowed to die before we meet,’’ they used to tell each other. It was a lifeline of sorts, life hadn’t been any kinder to Johnny, they were very alike after all.
And it wasn’t a conscious thought to do it, no, but when he sent the messages to Johnny, after reading them over and over again, he knew exactly what he was doing.
For someone who rarely had been on the beach before, Johnny surely looked in his element. He laughed and swam, then promptly got back to where Simon and Nala sat under the beach umbrella, and laid down on their side, body exposed to the sun. Johnny loved the sun, Simon felt safer on his shadows.
It was peaceful and quiet for a few moments, and in these moments, Simon got to observe and remember, as if he could ever forget, about him and Johnny, about when they were a ‘we’.
They’ve dated online, like the teenagers they were, and they fell in deep with each other, there was so much going on with both of them and they both were happy to be there for the other. But as all good things, it came to an end, to multiple endings, actually. Because for as much as they loved, love alone wasn’t enough.
Distance played a huge part on their break ups, that and how distant Simon was at times, it was his own way of coping with his problems, but Johnny needed the closeness, his RSD screaming whenever Simon didn’t appear for a few days, even when they both knew it wasn’t the other’s fault, they still got hurt. So, they decided it was for the best if they kept it as friends, if only they could avoid causing pain to someone they held dear.
But Simon still loved him romantically, with all his being, there was a Johnny shaped place on his heart, his name craved there to ensure his rightful place, even if he never came to fill it again, it was Johnny’s. He was Johnny’s wholeheartedly and there wasn’t a moment in all these years which he thought it could ever change.
He felt eyes on him, and realized he had zoned out, and now was staring straight at clever blue eyes.
‘’Ye said yer on a shelter?’’ the question was rhetoric, Johnny knew he was on a shelter, he had told him as much, had explained all the shit show in the last months that led to this moment.
‘’Yeah,’’ he said anyway, because it was Johnny.
‘’Where ye spending christmas this year?’’
That was one of the things Simon avoided thinking about like the plague, and as soon as the words were out of Johnny’s mouth, Simon could feel his eyes stinging with tears, his nose had that weird buzzing feeling, and his throat closed up, all the telltales that if the first tear fell, he wouldn’t be able to stop crying.
He loved christmas, it was a family thing for him, he loved christmas with his family.
But now he had nothing, well, not nothing...
‘’I guess-’’ he forced out, his voice trembling despite his efforts, he looked at Nala who was sleeping peacefully on his lap, he felt Johnny sitting up on his side, ‘’I’ll buy Nala a few snacks and wrap them up, my cute little daughter deserves the best christmas,’’ his voice shook and he felt one tear scaping his left eye.
He felt Nala purr under his fingertips, like she could hear the promise of tasty food.
‘’Sounds like a plan,’’ Johnny said lowly, it sounded apologetic in a way, like he knew the question had caused harm. Simon didn’t dare look up just yet, he didn’t trust himself not to burst out crying. ‘’Si, be honest now, how ye call’d me? Made me travel all the way here?’’
How could he explain? He knew exactly why, but it wasn’t like he could turn to Johnny and just tell him he was thinking about ending it all.
But he could never lie to Johnny, so he chose to tell the truth, in a way at least.
‘’I wanted to meet you in this life,’’ Simon said softly, and despite knowing he couldn’t stop himself from crying anymore, he turned to look at Johnny. Dear, sweet Johnny, with blue eyes so worried and so honest, like Simon deserved it.
‘’We’ve met years ago, Si.’’
He shook his head, a sob threatening to go out instead of words, but he forced them out anyway, ‘’no, Johnny, I wanted to meet you, still in this life.’’
This time, he was met with awareness.
He would find Johnny in any life.