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'Thomas... Darling. I'm really sorry, but I'm afraid I don't understand your fears and concerns.'
Thomas Barrow has to hold on tightly to suppress a tired and resigned sigh. Instead, he closes his eyes in defeat and lets his heated forehead fall gently onto the cool edge of his desk.
Of course. Of course Richard doesn't understand his concerns. How could he, since they are just as irrational, stupid and panicky as all his thoughts and worries over the last few days.
Inside, Thomas wants to scream. Slap himself in the face for burdening Richard with his stupid and childish insecurities when all hell is already breaking loose in the royal palace so close to Easter. And still Richard takes his time to call Thomas, to make sure he is alright and spends hours listening to his ramblings.
Thomas exhales a deep breath and stares wearily at the black telephone receiver in his right hand, from whose dark depths there is now impenetrable silence.
Perhaps he has now unsettled and annoyed Richard enough that he has hung up. Perhaps the royal valet has finally realised that Thomas is not as easy to love as he first imagined. Perhaps Thomas has now put to flight the man he thought he didn't deserve from the start.
And he really didn't. At least Thomas can't think of a good reason why he could have done so.
But in the end, he shakes his head in resignation. Even if he didn't deserve Richard Ellis... Richard himself does not deserve to be punished with silence when he has done nothing wrong.
So Thomas takes a deep breath before continuing in a trembling voice 'I'm just scared that...'
But the rest of the sentence sticks in his throat. Because he has no idea how to explain this Richard without sounding selfish and stupid.
''I'm afraid that the others won't like me as a butler as much as they liked Carson.'' The words already sound bitter and stupid in his head, so Thomas doesn't even dare to speak them out loud.
Thomas realises that this fear is more than unfounded. When Lord Grantham offered him the position of butler, at least all the other servants acted as if they were genuinely happy for him.
At first, however, Thomas only accepted this joy with suspicion and caution. He was too afraid that the support was just an act, just a pretence.
During the first few days, he was haunted by nightmares almost every night. Thick grey smoke and voices... whispering, hissing voices of his colleagues that haunted him and burrowed deep into his mind.
''Who would voluntarily appoint someone like you as the butler of the house?''
''It's a disgrace to have a faggot like you as your superior.''
Thomas is aware that his colleagues, his friends, would never say that to him. On the contrary. In his first few days as butler, they all did their best to make his start as easy as possible.
Daisy and Mrs Patmore always saved him his favourite marmalade for breakfast.
Andy lent him a cigarette after work and kept him company while he smoked in the backyard.
Although Andy is anything but an active smoker... Daisy would put the idea out of his mind in seconds, the first footman is aware that Thomas doesn't always like to sit alone in the backyard and smoke either. And although this unexpected gesture took Thomas completely by surprise at first, now, a few weeks later, he has to admit that these short breaks after dinner have almost become a cosy and relaxing ritual for him.
And to Thomas's astonishment, Mr Bates and Anna have also decided to give him a helping hand as he started out as a new butler. John has asked Lady Mary... of all people, Lady Mary, for a favour and the Earl's eldest daughter has immediately complied.
Lady Mary has been in Lord Grantham's ear for so long that she has managed to persuade him to provide Thomas with a cottage on their land. In fact, Thomas had been the only one to still spend his evenings and nights in the dark and deserted corridors of the servants' quarters until then.
Anna and John, of course, have long since moved out, as have Daisy and Andy, who, with the loving support of Mrs Patmore, have been able to build themselves a little cottage next to Mr Mason's farm.
And since then, the evenings and nights at Downton Abbey have become increasingly lonely for Thomas Barrow. Only his now almost daily phone calls with Richard have broken through this dreary and silent atmosphere, at least for a few minutes at a time, and filled the dark office with new colours.
But now Thomas can make these calls from his cottage. He has a place where he can come back and pause.
A home... like he hasn't had for more than ten years.
But also a home that often feels cold and lonely. Thomas is still a long way from finishing furnishing everything and, in a house that is actually far too big for him alone, he realises again and again that it is not meant for one person alone.
Inwardly, Thomas wishes he could tell Richard all these thoughts, all these sentences over the receiver of the phone. But the whole thing would sound too cheesy and too pathetic. It would seem as if Thomas is trying to convince Richard to move in with him, even though he knows full well that the distance to London is too great and simply not feasible for Richard's job, which means everything to him.
Instead, Thomas breaks his silence by sighing and mumbling into the receiver.
'You know... I think I'm just worrying too much. I don't want to waste your evening with my worries. I love you.'
On the other side, the silence is tense at first, before Richard replies in a low voice.
'I love you too, Thomas. We'll hear each other again.'
When Richard Ellis puts down the telephone on the small station in his supervisor's small office, he realises what he has to do.
********************************
The next few days are almost torture for Thomas and can only be endured with a heavy heart.
Having to watch the other servants laughing together and looking forward to Easter, while he can already see himself sitting alone in his cottage and moping before his inner eye.
These days, Thomas often has the feeling of being strangely detached from the other servants. As if he is sitting in an oversized bubble from which he watches the others as a silent observer as they spend their time with their loved ones and build their own lives alongside their jobs.
But Thomas can't do that. Because his life... his whole world is so far away from Downton Abbey.
'How far have you got with furnishing your cottage? The last time I visited, it already had a nice cosy atmosphere. If there is something you still need help with, just let me know.'
Andy Parker's voice jolts Thomas out of his thoughts that morning, so much so that he almost falls into his jam toast with his upper body. At the last second, he manages to catch himself on the edge of the table and avoid an uncomfortable encounter with the solid wood.
As he lifts his head, which by now seems to be burning with surprise, he instinctively feels the curious glances of the other servants on his face.
Thomas can't stop himself from breaking out in a sweat and opens the first button of his shirt with shaky hands.
He knows that Andy's question is out of genuine interest and that his offer is meant seriously. And yet...
And yet there is a bitter note to this question that Thomas cannot quite interpret. It is probably his own pride, wounded by the fact that he, the butler of the house, was the last to leave the dark corridors of the servants' quarters.
Bitter scorn creeps up inside him and poisons his heart. Scorn that Thomas has only found and furnished his own place to stay after years.
But then Thomas remembers that when he moved into the small cottage, all the other servants offered him their help.
Phyllis helped him to furnish the cottage to Thomas' liking. She went shopping with him, picked out tables, bedspreads, picture frames, lamps and countless other pieces of furniture and helped him plan the layout of the cottage.
Mrs Patmore and Daisy helped him to put together and buy all the kitchen utensils. Without them, Thomas would have been more than lost with all the different tools.
Andy and Albert joined Thomas in lugging boxes and cartons until Mrs Patmore forced them all to take a break with a worried look and treated them to her homemade chocolate biscuits.
Downton's gardener has given him tips and tricks for the small garden that sprouts in front of Thomas' cottage and explained to him which flowers and vegetables are most suitable for his green oasis.
Thomas could never have imagined the amount of support and loving gestures.
And yet... there remains this bitter, corrosive feeling that all these gestures and words of encouragement were purely out of pity.
That these people are treating him from above for his sad existence and are supporting him only for this reason.
A lump rises in Thomas' throat and the more desperately he tries to swallow it down again, the more it seems to swell up and cut off his windpipe.
He finally breaks out in a sweat and, with great effort, manages to swallow the lump and turns to Andy.
'I'm as good as finished with it. Just a few finishing touches and then it'll be ready to move in.'
Andy's eyes light up with excitement at these words and a mischievous grin spreads across his face.
'Very good. Then let's hope it doesn't stay lonely for too long.'
Thomas is just about to ask what Andy meant by this enigmatic remark when the bells of Lady Mary's and Lady Gratham's rooms ring simultaneously and the rest of Thomas's words are drowned out by the general noise of chairs scraping the floor and people rushing out of the room.
***************************************
Andy's words continue to echo through Thomas's mind in the days that follow. However, every attempt by Thomas to intercept the footman in the long corridors of the estate fails and Andy always waves him away with a gentle smile and the explanation that he is very busy at the moment. A stinging feeling is increasingly boring into Thomas's stomach, which tightens painfully at the thought of Easter.
In the week before Easter, he tries to spend as much time as possible with the other servants, playing games and cracking jokes with them in the evenings. He also notices that he now more actively seeks the company of Phyllis and spends some evenings simply in quiet togetherness with her, the only noise the clattering sewing machine, before she finally tidies up her tools and bids Thomas farewell with a friendly hug before Joseph picks her up at the back door.
On the evening before Easter Sunday, the mood in the servants' quarters could not be more different.
While all the servants are engrossed in excited chatter, Thomas feels as if he is far away from everyone else.
He feels as if a stone has fallen into his stomach and although dinner on this Saturday is exceptionally rich and luxurious, he finds it difficult to get more than three bites down. His throat feels as if a lump is stuck in it and cutting off his air.
Thomas tries really hard not to let on in front of the others and yet he can feel Phyllis' worried eyes on his back. But Thomas is not in the mood to talk to her. Phyllis has been busy all day anyway and urgently had to run a few errands for Lady Grantham in the afternoon, which is why she only arrived back in time for dinner. He doesn't want to burden her with his stupid self-pity.
Just as Thomas is about to say goodbye to the convivial group for a few moments to clear his head, there is a loud and clear knock at the back door.
Thomas's head jerks up so suddenly that he feels as if he has just twisted his neck.
Who the hell would turn up unannounced at Downton Abbey on a Saturday night like this?
Thomas looks uncertainly to his left, where Phyllis Baxter's expression has changed from a worried look to a mysterious grin.
'Aren't you going to see who's at the door?'
For a few seconds, Thomas weighs up the possibility of simply remaining stubbornly seated in his chair. But Phyllis's mischievous smile makes him stand up with a defeated sigh and take firm steps towards the back door.
When Thomas opens the door, his eyes rolling, he immediately turns into a pillar of salt as soon as he realizes who is standing in front of him.
Standing in front of him is none other than Richard Ellis, his jacket slung loosely over his shoulder and the sleeves of his shirt casually rolled up. But what catches Thomas's eye more than anything else is the suitcase standing on the floor next to Richard, almost as if he were waiting for something.
'I've heard about a cottage not far from here that needs a bit more life in it.'
Thomas stares alternately from Richard's face to the suitcase and back again. Gradually, the realization trickles into his brain and tears of joy form in his eyes and his hands begin to tremble.
'You're kidding me, aren't you?'
But Richard just grins.
'I've never meant anything so seriously.'
'But-'
But Richard just nods in the direction behind Thomas and as he turns his head, still stunned and overwhelmed, he recognizes Phyllis standing behind him with a triumphant grin, the key to Thomas's cottage, which he always keeps on his desk, dangling from her index finger.
Thomas's head turns jerkily from Phyllis to Richard and back again as if he couldn't believe his eyes or ears. For a moment, he is literally at a loss for words an all his questions, stick in his throat, refusing to leave his frozen body.
But he doesn't need to ask them. Richard simply knows him too well for that. With a cunning yet loving grin, Richard takes a few steps in the corridor and closes the door gently behind him before turning to Thomas with a smile that seems to turn Thomas legs into jello. But before Thomas can ask any more questions or even gets to say 'hello' to Richard in a proper way, the valet interrups him with a soft look.
'Mr Bates feels the need to slowly but surely give up his work and spend more time with little Johnny. And I doubt that Lord Grantham can manage so easily without a valet.'
Thomas feels as if his heart is pounding in his chest and he is dizzy from the strain. For a few seconds, he feels as if he is floating on clouds, so weightless and light, all his worries and concerns tiny at his feet.
But this elation disappears as quickly as it came and a single dark thought sends Thomas crashing to the ground so hard that he feels as if someone has hit him over the head with a baton. With trembling hands, he turns to Phyllis.
'But the others... What... what will they say? And what about Bates... he certainly won't want that- And Andy.. I thought he would be the next valet for Lord Grantham-'
'Oh, please, Thomas... After all, it was their idea.'
Thomas stares at her as if she has gone mad.
'But why...?'
Phyllis gives him a gentle smile, as if she were speaking to a child.
'Because you're important to us, Thomas. Don't look so surprised! We've all taken you to our hearts and we all think you deserve a bit of happiness in your life. And convincing Mr. Ellis really wasn't that difficult.'
Richard gives Thomas a loving smile.
'I haven't been happy with my job at the palace for a while now. Too much stress and effort for the smallest things, everything needs to be more than perfect. Constant nagging and shouting from Mr Wilson and work colleagues who behave as if they themselves belong to the royal family. No thanks.'
Richard grins furtively and Thomas has the feeling he's about to burst into tears. Determined, he rubs his eyes with his shirt sleeve before pulling both Richard and Phyllis closer by their hands and wrapping them in a bone-crushing hug.
'You're such lovely and crazy idiots', he mumbles and Richard plants a gentle kiss on Thomas's forehead.
'I know.'
When they finally part carefully, Richard gently reaches for Thomas's scarred hand and runs his fingers gently over the fine lines. Like an unspoken declaration of love.
'Now come on. I want to explore every corner of this cottage.'
Thomas nods, but then he pauses 'What about the rest of your things? That can't possibly be all your luggage.'
Phyllis grins lovingly at him.
'Why do you think I was running errands for Lady Grantham today?'
She draws little goose feet in the air at the word ''errands'' and Thomas automatically lights up.
'You're crazy' he gasps and his ears get as hot as if they were glowing.
Richard's eyes sparkle mischievously 'Aren't we all a little bit?'
And with those words, he reaches for the key in Phyllis's hand, pulls Thomas out the door with a grateful smile to Phyllis and out into the glowing sunset on the way to a new life.
Together.