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It happened before sound check in Sydney. Matt plopped down next to Alex on the suspiciously comfy couch (because couches in the backstages of music festivals should never be this nice, really, with all the grossness of shared space, shared sweat, shared whatever ) with a tinfoil wrapped burrito. Alex was absorbed in his moleskin and his own thoughts, the other guys were off doing something loud and possibly disastrous in the hallway offshoot, and Matt was chewing on his burrito. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Alex looked up a few minutes later with a question on the tip of his tongue, something about guitar pedals that they might’ve left at some studio, but the thoughts died before they had a chance to leave his mouth because now he was only capable of staring at Matt.
Matt turned to him. “What?” he asked, still chewing, the bastard. “Have I got something on me face?”
Alex just kept staring. “Not your face.”
At this, Matt grinned and put down his burrito. “They look nice, don’t they? Just got ‘em done at some tattoo parlor. Didn’t even need an appointment.”
When Alex still didn’t offer any conversation, Matt took to showing off. He turned his head this way and that, showing off the brand new black studs in both his ears. “I was a bit nervous, but the lady told me that it shouldn’t hurt, and it didn't! They really know what they’re doing in Australia.”
“They could get infected,” Alex said.
“That’s another thing.” Matt rummaged in the pocket of his jacket for a moment and pulled out a little blue bottle. He shook it and the aerosol can rattled. “She gave it to me for free with the piercing. Neat, right?”
“Mm,” said Alex, annoyance making his words short. Matt’s grin dropped and Alex felt bad, but then Jamie and Nick came sauntering in, still sing-shouting an unintelligible rock ballad, and Alex lost his thoughts again.
“Woah,” said Jamie, pointing at Matt. “Those are right fucking sick.”
Matt posed for them now, maybe on-purpose facing away from Alex to give their friends a good look. Alex scowled and tried to pull himself together.
-
Their show went well, thank God. It was a big venue and Alex always got more tripped up on his words when performing during the day because he could actually see the faces of the audience instead of a black, pulsating mass with the occasional limb thrown out or girl sitting on someone’s shoulders. But no, this show was good. Alex felt himself relaxing into the new set-list, the sounds of the screaming crowd and screaming guitars invigorating and intoxicating. He walked backstage feeling floaty as hell, a smile seared onto his face like Australian sunburn.
The band surrounded him quickly and everyone was patting each other on the backs, wondering about drinks later, wondering if that girl with the tie-dye bandana from sound check was gonna hang around some more. Alex caught Matt’s eye just as he was adjusting his new piercings (and Alex actually jolted, they looked so natural on him already) and declaring that yes, his earrings were still on. Once he noticed that he caught Alex’s attention, Matt gave him a smile. Alex tried to give one back.
No one wanted to hang around the festival after so they did, in fact, go out for drinks. Jamie was in charge of venue-picking for some reason and of course managed to find the darkest, smokiest bar on the whole of the small continent. Alex stripped off his show jacket (real leather, so it made the sweat cling to him in the heat) in the back of Jamie’s car and was immediately thankful he’d stashed it as soon as he got into the bar. It would have been smelling like bar for months.
There was some music humming deeply from the speakers and a total of two lighting sources in the entire establishment, including red LEDs running under the bar. He stumbled in, mostly blind, following the familiar shape of Matt’s head.
Someone ordered shots and Alex smiled when a glass was handed to him. He was still hopped up on post-show energy, and maybe a few shots would make this place feel more fun instead of just horribly stressful. Alex tipped it back and whooped with his bandmates. He was thrumming, slowly falling in-time with the music pumping from the bar.
The Monkeys found a booth at the back of the room and Alex fell into the seat beside Nick, who was already giggling-drunk thanks to his backstage pre-gaming.
“What a rocking show,” Jamie couldn’t stop saying. “Best one yet.”
“Thanks to these, I’ll bet,” added Matt, pointing to his studs.
Alex’s gaze latched on to his best friend’s ears again. The jewelry looked natural there, good, complementing Matt’s jawline. It was perplexing, a little. Matt never was a big jewelry person.
“Now you’re a real rocker,” said Alex. It didn’t sound like a good thing to say as soon as he did, something in his tone was all off. He cringed but the words were gone now and he couldn’t take them back.
Matt’s face, again, fell. He knew Alex well enough to tell that something was wrong but Alex didn’t have an explanation nor did he want to start apologizing for two barely passive-aggressive comments in the midst of the colossal success that was their show. So Alex stayed silent and Matt did too until Nick started talking again, something about the hot bartender looking the type to like rocker guys, and Alex allowed himself to get enveloped in the conversation and tried to forget his pettiness once again.
It worked, for the most part. The shots were good, and the darkness of the place was starting to become Alex’s favorite part about it. He might have had to take back his earlier misgivings about letting Jamie venue pick, because clearly he knew where to find the best places to get horribly drunk while alleviating the stress of having to look at anyone getting drunk around you. Nick heated like a furnace next to Alex, only getting worse as he got drunker, but Alex found as he himself got drunker he cared less and less about anything that weren’t the cool glasses being shoved into his hands by a now faceless but nevertheless benevolent gift-giver.
People stumbled by and away from their table. Nick laughed hard at a joke Alex missed, slamming fist and glass down on the table as he did. Alex’s gaze drifted across the bar, the dimly lit tables, the people laughing as they walked by. The darkness was solid, all-encompassing.
And suddenly Alex had to get out.
The world spun a little as he stood up, steadying himself briefly on the table. “Goin’ out,” he said to no one in particular and didn’t stick around to hear if anyone confirmed that he’d been noted.
He stalked off, swallowing back the spit that kept pooling in his mouth. He was nauseous and claustrophobic because the world was seeming both way too small and way too vast. He coughed into his fist once, twice. The air was so thick with smoke it was almost choking him.
Then, suddenly, he jolted to a stop. It took a second to realize he’d bumped into someone. He looked down at the bewildered face of the girl he’d just stumbled into.
And suddenly the world regained focus. The girl was gorgeous, her big blue eyes blinking up at him from behind full, dark lashes, looking shocked. Alex soon realized why. He’d caused her to spill her drink all down the front of her shirt.
“I’m so sorry, love,” Alex said, internally hitting himself in the face. He wasn’t usually so blind and now he’d made a fool out of himself in front of some poor girl.
The girl just smiled, though. “It’s alright. You picked a good time to bump into me, I’ve just got some water. My friend’s getting a little too drunk, I thought I’d help her out.” She was American. This was somehow surprising and intriguing to Alex.
“Oh, good,” Alex said, relief evident in his voice. “Well, not good that I made you spill it. Good in the sense that I would have felt horrible if I was the reason you were smelling like vodka the whole night.”
The girl laughed. It was a nice laugh, the little Alex could hear of it over the din of the room, anyway. “Sorry, it’s a bit off-topic, but I like your accent. I bet you get that all the time.”
“No, actually. I mostly live in Britain. So usually my voice is just normal, I guess.” God, he was awkward. Alex debated running off through the bar doors, like his original plan, but figured that would be ruder than sticking around and talking to the girl he’d made spill her drink on herself.
“Well, I like it.” She smiled bigger, then her face got all serious. “Ohmigosh, I didn’t even ask for your name yet. I’m Callie.”
“Alex,” said Alex, thinking Callie like California, what a lyric that would be.
“Well then, Alex,” said Callie with a flirtatious grin, “how’d you like to come get a drink with me? And by that I mean just another water for my friend. But it’d be nice not to go alone.”
“It’d be my pleasure.” And truly, Alex could suddenly think of nothing he’d rather do.
“What good manners they teach in Britain!” Callie chittered.
Alex was thinking of the merits of getting water for himself as he and Callie walked over to the bar, the girl seemingly having forgotten about the state of her wet top. Alex found that he liked watching Callie move and how she seemed fine with talking enough for both of them.
Alex did not end up getting water. But Callie got her glass refilled, and when Alex made no further moves to converse or order any alcoholic drinks, Callie gave him a smile and a kiss on the cheek before waltzing back over to where her friend was, hopefully this time without spilling the drink. She called over her shoulder for Alex to come find her again later.
And thus Alex, feeling both strangely disconnected and alarmingly present at the same time, finally completed his initial objective in stepping out of the bar.
The second that the night air hit his face Alex exhaled a heavy sigh, his eyes sliding shut at the same time the bar doors did. The taste of clean air was unbelievably welcome after inhaling all of that smoke. It might have been strange that Alex took cigarette breaks to breathe in fresh air, considering the cigarettes themselves were doing the opposite for him, but it was true nonetheless.
Alex tapped his shirt pocket, eyes still closed, and realized stomach-droppingly that he didn’t have his smokes. He must’ve left them in the pocket of his jacket, all the way in Jamie’s car. And he couldn’t exactly go get that now, could he?
The doors opened behind Alex, so he stepped off to the side to let whoever it was through. To his surprise, though, the sound of footsteps stopped as soon as the doors swung closed again. Alex looked to the side to find Matt standing there, an unreadable expression on his face.
“Took a bit of a roundabout way to a cigarette break without any cigs,” Matt said, and his expression then became readable– he was angry. Not overly so, but definitely enough to pass through the region of ‘annoyance’ and land safely at ‘anger.’
“Forgot ‘em in Jamie’s car. Don’t suppose you’ve got any on you?” asked Alex, trying to keep it cool.
Matt just shook his head.
Alex looked back over the desert-like terrain of Sydney– or was this even still Sydney? They’d gone a far way out from the concert venue. It certainly was desert-like out here, almost sci-fi-ish the way the sand stretched on with little to no light in sight. It reminded Alex of Rancho de la Luna and the endless stars above and tumbleweeds below. That was a nice comparison. He smiled a bit despite himself.
It would have been fair for either one of them to break the ice with the question “so what’s up your arse?” but luckily for Alex’s indecisiveness, Matt broke first.
“Why were you flirting with that girl in there?” Matt asked, stony.
“I weren’t,” said Alex, and considered leaving it at that because it was the truth. But he could feel Matt bristle beside him and pretty quickly arrived at the conclusion he figured his friend was leaping to. “Even if I were, it’d be okay. Me and Lexa have a thing for touring, you know.”
“A thing?” Matt echoed.
“Yeah. A thing.”
Matt didn’t press further. Alex knew he understood.
Then, Matt reached into his own jacket pocket, rustled around for a second, and produced a single cigarette. He handed it to Alex, who took it gratefully before placing it in his mouth.
“This is a nasty habit, Al,” he said, flicking the lighter and cupping the flame, shielding it against the light desert wind. “Really gotta kick it soon.”
Alex took a deep inhale and let his head hit back against the wall. It was a menthol, which he usually didn’t smoke, but the mintiness was welcome to his overheated body. “I’ll stop when you stop enabling me,” he said, too sly for the air of tension still hanging around them, but he never could help himself around Matt.
Matt chuckled. Alex counted it as a win and let his gaze wander across the martian desert in front of him.
It wasn’t long before Alex could feel Matt’s gaze boring holes in the side of his face and he was forced to admit that there were still things they needed to talk about. Alex sighed, pulling the cigarette out of his mouth.
“I’ve been acting like a dick,” said Alex, anticipating Matt’s eye roll. “I don’t mean it. Not really.”
“You have,” Matt agreed, “and I know.”
“It’s just,” Alex started, and then realized he had no idea how to continue without incriminating himself with vulnerability which he was frankly not ready for. So he stopped talking, trying to collect his thoughts.
Matt waited with him and they both stared straight ahead.
“It’s not a big thing. And you don’t really care, so I shouldn’t really care, but I’m only surprised you hadn’t mentioned something earlier,” is what he landed on.
Matt turned to face him. Alex didn’t look, only surmised this from the sound of moving clothing.
“You’re upset because I didn’t tell you I wanted to pierce my ears,” said Matt.
Alex smoked his cigarette determinedly.
“It was impulsive, Al. If it makes you feel any better, I really wasn’t planning on doing anything of the sort. I just saw the shop and went in, I guess.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Alex repeated. “You don’t have to… I’m not your nagging girlfriend.”
“I know you’re not,” Matt said, something indiscernible in his voice.
The cigarette was getting short. Alex took it out of his mouth and offered it to Matt, who just shook his head.
“So you carry these for me.” Alex blew out smoke in victory. He’d seen Matt smoke a few times, sure, but not with the same regularity as he did. So he’d assumed as much, but having that confirmation lit a warm feeling in his stomach.
“You get cranky when you’re craving nicotine. It’s a nightmare. Consider it me trying to help myself as much as I’m helping you.”
Alex finally turned to him, grinning around Matt’s cigarette. He wasn’t prepared for the softness of Matt’s face in this light, his earrings glinting in the warmness cast by far-off street lamps.
Off-guard, he decided to try for some honesty. “They look good on you, you know. Impulsive or not.”
Matt’s face, somehow, warmed further. “Thanks.”
“If you’re thinking of getting more done, you should tell me. Nose piercings, eyebrows, tongue, eyelid, or some tats, even, you could go balls to the wall with it, try anything.”
“Now you’re taking the piss,” Matt laughed. “Come on. Look, if I’m wanting anything more, I’ll tell you. You’re my best mate.”
“I am?” Alex asked, smug.
“Yeah,” Matt said, leaning his shoulder against the wall. “I’ll tell you what I want.”
And there was a shift in the dry, desert air, like everything was suddenly priming for a lightning strike. The filter on Alex’s cigarette was almost gone, but he put it back to his mouth to have something to do just for a second. Matt shifted, like he was deciding whether or not to get closer. Alex shifted too, but he knew that he wanted to get closer, needed to feel that contact because all of a sudden he was aching for it. It. Matt. Anything.
Then the bar door banged open, letting loose a gaggle of girls into the night. They were giggling and hanging off of each other, some with shoes dangling out of their hands, all in matching sequined tops. Alex and Matt moved away from each other because somehow they’d reached a perilously closeness, seemingly without either one of them noticing until this point.
Music thumped out of the open door, the same deep, bass-y rhythm Alex had sought to escape by coming outside. The girls giggled some more as they realized they were being noticed before hobbling off as a group towards the parking lot, hopefully to reunite with their designated driver, and disappearing with the same quickness as they’d arrived.
So Matt and Alex looked at each other once again.
“Think we should move away from the door,” Matt suggested. “People’ll keep walking out.”
“Yeah,” agreed Alex. He flicked his cigarette out and dropped it on top of the trash can.
They walked through the ghost town of a parking lot. Alex dug his hands deep into his jean pockets because he didn’t know what else to do with them otherwise. Soon enough, and painlessly enough because Alex didn’t feel that drunk anymore, they reached Jamie’s car. Matt walked right up to the hood. Alex followed him.
“We don’t have the keys,” said Matt, and then Alex stepped forward and kissed him.
Matt’s hand immediately came up to cup Alex’s face, brushing his thumb against Alex’s cheekbone. It was a tender, amorous reaction. Alex shivered, putting his own hands on Matt’s hips less chastely.
Just when the thought of oi, I’m drunk-kissing my best mate in a bar parking lot was beginning to occur to him, Matt pulled him closer by the face and tilted his head just right and opened his mouth some to let his tongue dart out and catch the edge of Alex’s. It was just a brush, barely anything, but all of the thoughts melted out of Alex’s head.
It was good. Matt was a good kisser, all solid and warm up in Alex’s space. Alex’s hand creeped up Matt’s back, splaying his palm out at the center of it, turning the kiss into an embrace, too.
“You want this?” Matt whispered against his lips when they pulled back for air.
“Yeah,” said Alex, sure that he’d never been more sure of anything. “I’m sure.”
“I want you,” Matt agreed, kissing the corner of Alex’s mouth. “Even though you taste smokey.”
“Your fault,” said Alex.
Matt’s hand, the one not on Alex’s face, traveled down to Alex’s hips and pushed backwards, coaxing Alex to sit on the hood of Jamie’s car. Alex did, opening his legs to allow Matt to stand between them.
“Jamie’s gonna kill us if we scratch his car,” said Alex, but Matt just grinned before leaning down to kiss him again. And Alex, into the kiss, grinned back.